Hello there people of the DMT Nexus forum.
I'm a girl in my mid 20's, I've been practicing meditation
and holotropic breathing since I was 8 years old, and in
recent years experimented with mind altering substances.
In perspective I've chosen to stop the use of drugs as a
means for transpersonal experiences, since these arise
naturally to me without the use of these kind of tools.
Also because the negative effects have outweighed the
positive. Even so I've had a lot of valuable experiences
in that I've learnt a good deal from them.
One of the things I would like to present to you guys as a part of my introcudtion is a small part of my personal journey. I don't know what else I have
to share that would be valuable to you guys, except the
story. I hope it's not too depressing or confusing. I
would be happy to answer questions. Please, please understand that this is my PERSONAL journey alone, and that the routes and thoughts I have had are also personal, and that this essay is written as a story, and not meant to have a nature of telling other people what they should do or think.
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I come from a moderately wealthy family and had what one
might call a good upbringing. In my early years I suffered
alot of teasing and violent verbal abuse from class and
school mates because of my asian genetics, -> I was
different from my norwegian fellows. This made me retreat
into meditative states. After entering my teens alot of
these experiences generated into intense feelings of hate,
guilt, shame and I became intensely deluded, which made me
seek professional help through psychology. The confusion
lasted for years and as I fought I became hateful against
other people, manipulative, proud, and unwilling to learn.
This was my first spiritual crisis.
When I turned 18 I started reopening direct delving into
myself and the sub-consciousness, and I believed most of
what information I was able to go through, my mind was
open, and without restrictions, and with poor descision
making skills, no guidance, and poor self discipline I
found myself wrapped inside a world of fantasy, which I
believed to be true.
Around this time I started ingesting mind altering
substances, first in the form of THC and cannaboids, then
LSD, Cacti/phenetylamines, Psilocybin, DMT and mostly kept
away from amphetamines like speed, cocaine, mdma, and I
stopped my intake of alcohol and caffeine.
I had wonderful, epic spiritual experiences, and through
all of this a new world had opened for me. I had many new
friends, and a completely new place in society, I had
found the psychedelic enviroment. It was a part of my life
that involved alot of new people, free flowing trust,
substances and partying. For me it had all started with a
kind of buddhist, meditative approach and so this was my
personal red thread.
I continued ingesting psychedelic substances, mainly LSD
in larger and larger amounts, and in unsafe enviroments I
started using LSD together with psilocybin until the
result was an acute spiritual crisis, the psychologists
coined it a psychosis of the type mystical psychosis, and
I was told this was a state of mind very similar to an
existential crisis.
At this time I hadn't read alot about transpersonal
research, and I was not aware of for example holotropic
breathing, which was an exercise I used frequently, daily
for many years before my 20's. In short, I was lost with
no real anchor point to understand what I was going
through.
The buddhist approach I still tried to follow, but without
guidance I had a very hard time seeing through the
delusions.
My experience of the spiritual crisis is a story of
itself, but suffice to say that it was the hardest time of
my life. I met people who both tried and succeded in
taking advantage of my mental states.
But through it all I always had a burning will to live and
thrive, and respect for happiness and so I pushed through.
This was a very dark time of my life. I remember my first
experience when smoking DMT; I was immediately shot out of
my body, and fought it, I went through all of my fears one
after one, shortly after getting through one fear I was
funneled into some kind of hyperspace void, and as I
realized what was happening, my consciousness feared the
separation from the body, and I got pulled down again,
BAM! only to experience another intense loop of fear and
another glimpse of the void. This happened 4-5 times in
the one trip, expanding over 15 minutes. Up and down, up
and down.
I continued taking LSD after a month of full stop in
substance intake. Which was far too early to start again,
I had started getting permanent hallucinations, or what I
think is called HPPD, which is a kind of persistent
hallucinations directely from the use of drugs like LSD.
But I was stubborn and set on unraveling the problems in
my life through psychedelics alone.
After less than a year had passed, I decided to quit my
use of LSD as a tool, all of the substances except weed
and the occational DMT trip.(Not very often)
After letting all the realizations and experiences sink
in, (It's been a year since I quit completely, and the
only substance with an effect on my psyche I am putting in
my body at the time is nicotine) I've come to understand
that all of what I've been through, have been some kind of
searching and problem solving journey, where I have
discovered many new aspects of myself. But not through the
direct approach of solving my personal problems.
The moments on my journey where I have had a feeling of
here and now are the ones I remember and have been able to
learn from.
I stopped believing the immediate visions, like spirits
conveying messages and my own interpretation of vibes, as
I hated my own vibes but could easily take in other
peoples's (I've seen this as projection of emotion onto
others), and soon I could feel myself "landing" and
becoming grounded yet again.
As I landed I've realized that specific parts of how I've
operated myself have been seriously harmful to myself, and
that the spiritual crisis involved negative effects on
simple, well basic parts of myself like how i moved my
hand, or blinked my eyes.
I had become part mechanical in that every single little
action was controlled.
I started camping out in the woods and going for long
walks, just being in nature and having the luxury of
forgetting time. I've been so lucky to have a boyfriend
who's supported me through alot of confusion. And also I
want to thank alot of my recovery to his dog, in which my
relation to was easier to grow on, because the fear of
being judged was but gone when with an animal.
I rediscovered my friends and most importantly my family.
And at last I rediscovered myself as an individual, apart
from the group mind which I had been so deeply connected
to.
So here I am yet again with myself, an individual, after
10 years of travelling through myself in hate and
depression I can say that I am finally equipped to handle
the sadness and feelings of depression and anxiety that
fueled my journey, and that now I am able to walk a more
balanced and peaceful road, with a goal of not solving or
finding myself, but the goal of being happy and feeling
good with my self.
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I am still open to ingesting DMT with such as MAOI
inhibitors, but I wouldn't smoke it again. The experience
was too extreme for me and I don't really remember much
about it, thus I did not learn much from it.
I hope one day I will be in such a mental condition that I
can enjoy these substances once again as happiness
enhancing and of corse to glimplse at the divinity, but
not as tools to search.
I am also very interested in transpersonal studies as half
of my life have in effect been about them. Which is why I
am here.
I want to read stories and experiences of others and see
opinions and I hope that my experiences can enrich other people. Lately I have also acuired an interest in extraction and how substances react when being treated. So this is me! Anything you want to ask, go ahead.
Namaste. healing love to all of you
