Sati
Rising Star
Hello Everyone!
I’m so glad to finally have joined the nexus after reading it for so long. It is so refreshing to find a place where I can learn from others and honestly share my experiences as well.
Looking at myself right now I never would have guessed I am the same person that was when I first started using any drugs. As many, I started my drug use with alcohol, as we all know it is the most socially acceptable way of changing ones state of mind, and this began early in high school. My use became more and more excessive, until somewhere in there I also began smoking marijuana. Marijuana became my drug of choice, for everything, all of the time. I pretended that my drinking wasn’t problematic, just due to the fact it may have decreased slightly, as my marijuana use increased. Looking back I almost think I performed these types of behaviors due to my lack of confidence in myself.
When I went to college I was still drinking heavily and smoking marijuana every day. I had also continued smoking cigarettes, which I had begun in high school due to a waitressing job, and my need/want to fit in, becoming hooked. During my freshman year at college my mother suddenly passed away, and not so shockingly, my habits became worse. At this point I had begun to experiment with MDMA and other drugs similar to that, which would turn out to be something I would battle with in the coming years. I also began to experiment with other drugs like cocaine, and opiates, but neither of these ever became a huge problem for me, compared to others I had experimented with.
I would say that my journey with entheogens began the next summer, when I tried mushrooms at a festival with friends for the first time. I didn’t quite understand the gravity of such a mind-altering substance at this point. My previous experience has been to take as many drugs as possible to become as inebriated as possible, and I soon found out mushrooms were not the drug to take in that sort of way at all. I was amazed at what these were doing to me and how they were changing my perception of reality. I believe, though, that I took to many, and wasn’t prepared to handle that sort of situation, so the when things started going not as planned, the trip went downhill as well. This was the first time that I saw how unstable my emotions were, and how little control I really had over them. A month or so later I decided to give them another chance with a small group of friends in a controlled environment. This was an amazing experience and I was able to see the beauty in this fungus for what it had to offer. I am so happy I gave them another chance. In both cases I saw how much one could learn from this substance, and eagerly wanted to try more substances like this.
It wasn’t until about 9 months later, April of 2012, I met my current boyfriend, who introduced me to LSD for the first time. This was a life changing point in my life for two reasons; the entrance of someone who touched my life in a way no one had ever and LSD was like nothing else I had ever experienced. Even compared to mushrooms I could see how truly unique they were. I almost found that I was able to handle this kind of trip better than one on mushrooms, as it was much less emotional. I had still been using MDMA very heavily, and was starting to feel its long-term effect wear on me. The magic was gone, but I had been using it so frequently for so many occasions it was hard for me to even see that. It was also around this time that I first tried ketamine, which again was like nothing else I had ever tried. The only thing that would have come close would have been nitrous oxide, but ketamine was such a seductive drug in all the ways it differed from N2O, and soon began using this very frequently. If my boyfriend had not ended up having a problem with this himself, I may have continued using this for much longer than I did or may still be, as I was doing it way too often and in the most inappropriate situations. This was one of those drugs that I nipped it in the bud before I ever really getting too deep into it, thank god, because when I look back now I can feel the hold it was starting to have on me. I also started experimenting with many different RC’s around this time as well, MXE, 5/6-apb, camfetamine, and etizolam being the most common. My drinking at this point had slowed down considerably, as my drug use in other sorts increased.
Around this time I tried dmt for the first time, my first taste of beautiful hyperspace. This again was another life changing experience. What it showed me was more than a lifetime worth of knowledge and experiences. This first time was the easiest for me. Any other time I have done this since I have had a slight trouble with letting go, and I have begun to see how resisting is something I must get over in many areas of my life. Now I take my time and only do it when I feel I should. I then embarked on my first solo LSD trip, very soon after, which was an enlightening experience. I feel the dmt prepared me to handle such a journey on my own. I was sensing there were things in my life that I was not happy with and wanted to change, particularly my drug use (MDMA to be specific). I could tell this was different though. This was not just a drug, this was a teacher that was illuminating many aspects about myself that I could now see more clearly.
This next summer I went on a study abroad in London. I gave up marijuana for that month or so I was there. I also gave up cigarettes at this point (I relapsed after returning from London, letting myself have acouple here and there, but quickly gave them up again, as they were starting to make me sick and upset my stomach). Instead I replaced that with heavy binge drinking, and use of all the RC’s I have just mentioned as well as methiopropamine. I don’t know how I didn’t go crazy due to the amount of stimulant RC’s I was using, or seriously hurt myself due to the mixing of alcohol and benzos. I was not very smart with my drug use while I was in this foreign country, but I was desperate and getting what I could. This trip was a turning point with my drug use, and I saw I had gone too far. When I came back I stopped drinking, using any stimulants, RC’s and doing MDMA. The only drugs I continued to do after returning was marijuana and ketamine, and entheogens. Around October/November of this past year I stopped using ketamine as well. I mistakenly tried MDMA once again around this time, but the magic was still gone, and I have no interest in ever doing it again. I still don’t drink, apart from 1 or 2 drinks once in a long while, but I still don’t really enjoy the feeling like I use to. I have no interest in doing any of the drugs that I have mentioned here again except for entheogens like dmt, mushrooms, LSD and marijuana.
The use of dmt has showed me many things about myself, and has given me the strength to see through my habits that were holding me back from my spiritual growth. After returning from this study abroad I was beginning to find myself. I had been looking for the spiritual path for some time. I had done much discovering of who I am, without any relation to other people around me, when I was away that summer, as I was on this trip with no one else that I knew. I started practicing yoga very frequently when I returned. Now I practice everyday and will soon begin a teacher training. During this Fall I tried ayahuasca for the first time. This was the most healing encounter I have ever experienced (next to a breakthrough dmt hit). I felt the reassurance that the damage I had caused myself from way to much MDMA use was slowly being healed. I felt as if I lost part of myself through MDMA, I wasn’t able to really enjoy things I use to, and my emotions were all over the place. I knew I would be okay and would recover though. I now know this will happen through much self-work. I sometimes still feel that I am stuck in certain circuits, but I am growing and becoming stronger now, and am stabilizing these lower circuits to enable myself to really grow spiritually. I have also since tried peyote, which was also a very spiritual experience that I would like to try again.
I now meditate regularly as well, and this has served me well. I also use many energized mediation techniques from Christopher Hyatt’s Undoing Yourself. Since I have changed my habits and modified my routines I am gaining more control over my emotions and mind. I am learning how to merely watch and observe them, without judgments or any expectations of how myself or things in general should be. I am noticing the new found silence that presents itself in my mind, and the gaps in my thoughts. I am looking to learn more about spirituality, relationships, and the universe through psychedelics, yoga and meditation, while deepening myself and my understanding of it all. I now don’t hold onto any idea, but am constantly changing my viewpoint as I am always integrating new experiences into my mental map.
Through all of this I have gained a quieter mind. I still battle with it sometimes, but it’s a work in progress. I am able to watch thoughts go by more than I use to and not get stuck on them, noticing the beginning and end of each thought. I have learned to accept that there is no control over anyone but myself. I have been able to not take things personally. This helped with getting to know my ego, and recreating it to serve me. I also found that I like spending more time by myself. I didn’t know who I really was before, as I was never alone and therefore defined myself by others presence. It was almost like I was hiding from myself. I had no personal will, I would just show up somewhere and follow the crowd.
I have been having alittle bit of a hard time lately with taking things personally and handling my thoughts and emotions in the present moment, but always realize where I went wrong after. I should also note that I am currently taking a tolerance break from marijuana right now, which is proving to be slightly harder than I had thought. I am 5 days in but it’s getting easier everyday. This was the last thing that has been holding me back in some way. It has been hindering my spiritual growth and hurting my relationships, making me feel out of control. I want to be free from all wants and gain control back over my life, and this was the last thing that I was holding onto, making me live in the future instead of the present (until I took that hit at least). I can’t wait to come back and use this wonderful drug the way it will benefit me the most. I can feel myself slowly becoming more self aware in every moment. I have learned that psychedelics may show you the way, but you have to walk the path yourself, and afterwards you still have to put in the work. I have become better at focusing on what I have, rather than what I lack. Dmt overall has refreshed my habits, and has made me try new things and return to old activities that I lost the drive for when I lost myself. I have seen that anything that takes real effort, is made to be dreaded to do, but that is where the challenge lies, and no one ever said it would be easy. Before, I was just floating through life, but now I am the captain of my own boat, and I am steering it where I want to go.
I’m so glad to finally have joined the nexus after reading it for so long. It is so refreshing to find a place where I can learn from others and honestly share my experiences as well.
Looking at myself right now I never would have guessed I am the same person that was when I first started using any drugs. As many, I started my drug use with alcohol, as we all know it is the most socially acceptable way of changing ones state of mind, and this began early in high school. My use became more and more excessive, until somewhere in there I also began smoking marijuana. Marijuana became my drug of choice, for everything, all of the time. I pretended that my drinking wasn’t problematic, just due to the fact it may have decreased slightly, as my marijuana use increased. Looking back I almost think I performed these types of behaviors due to my lack of confidence in myself.
When I went to college I was still drinking heavily and smoking marijuana every day. I had also continued smoking cigarettes, which I had begun in high school due to a waitressing job, and my need/want to fit in, becoming hooked. During my freshman year at college my mother suddenly passed away, and not so shockingly, my habits became worse. At this point I had begun to experiment with MDMA and other drugs similar to that, which would turn out to be something I would battle with in the coming years. I also began to experiment with other drugs like cocaine, and opiates, but neither of these ever became a huge problem for me, compared to others I had experimented with.
I would say that my journey with entheogens began the next summer, when I tried mushrooms at a festival with friends for the first time. I didn’t quite understand the gravity of such a mind-altering substance at this point. My previous experience has been to take as many drugs as possible to become as inebriated as possible, and I soon found out mushrooms were not the drug to take in that sort of way at all. I was amazed at what these were doing to me and how they were changing my perception of reality. I believe, though, that I took to many, and wasn’t prepared to handle that sort of situation, so the when things started going not as planned, the trip went downhill as well. This was the first time that I saw how unstable my emotions were, and how little control I really had over them. A month or so later I decided to give them another chance with a small group of friends in a controlled environment. This was an amazing experience and I was able to see the beauty in this fungus for what it had to offer. I am so happy I gave them another chance. In both cases I saw how much one could learn from this substance, and eagerly wanted to try more substances like this.
It wasn’t until about 9 months later, April of 2012, I met my current boyfriend, who introduced me to LSD for the first time. This was a life changing point in my life for two reasons; the entrance of someone who touched my life in a way no one had ever and LSD was like nothing else I had ever experienced. Even compared to mushrooms I could see how truly unique they were. I almost found that I was able to handle this kind of trip better than one on mushrooms, as it was much less emotional. I had still been using MDMA very heavily, and was starting to feel its long-term effect wear on me. The magic was gone, but I had been using it so frequently for so many occasions it was hard for me to even see that. It was also around this time that I first tried ketamine, which again was like nothing else I had ever tried. The only thing that would have come close would have been nitrous oxide, but ketamine was such a seductive drug in all the ways it differed from N2O, and soon began using this very frequently. If my boyfriend had not ended up having a problem with this himself, I may have continued using this for much longer than I did or may still be, as I was doing it way too often and in the most inappropriate situations. This was one of those drugs that I nipped it in the bud before I ever really getting too deep into it, thank god, because when I look back now I can feel the hold it was starting to have on me. I also started experimenting with many different RC’s around this time as well, MXE, 5/6-apb, camfetamine, and etizolam being the most common. My drinking at this point had slowed down considerably, as my drug use in other sorts increased.
Around this time I tried dmt for the first time, my first taste of beautiful hyperspace. This again was another life changing experience. What it showed me was more than a lifetime worth of knowledge and experiences. This first time was the easiest for me. Any other time I have done this since I have had a slight trouble with letting go, and I have begun to see how resisting is something I must get over in many areas of my life. Now I take my time and only do it when I feel I should. I then embarked on my first solo LSD trip, very soon after, which was an enlightening experience. I feel the dmt prepared me to handle such a journey on my own. I was sensing there were things in my life that I was not happy with and wanted to change, particularly my drug use (MDMA to be specific). I could tell this was different though. This was not just a drug, this was a teacher that was illuminating many aspects about myself that I could now see more clearly.
This next summer I went on a study abroad in London. I gave up marijuana for that month or so I was there. I also gave up cigarettes at this point (I relapsed after returning from London, letting myself have acouple here and there, but quickly gave them up again, as they were starting to make me sick and upset my stomach). Instead I replaced that with heavy binge drinking, and use of all the RC’s I have just mentioned as well as methiopropamine. I don’t know how I didn’t go crazy due to the amount of stimulant RC’s I was using, or seriously hurt myself due to the mixing of alcohol and benzos. I was not very smart with my drug use while I was in this foreign country, but I was desperate and getting what I could. This trip was a turning point with my drug use, and I saw I had gone too far. When I came back I stopped drinking, using any stimulants, RC’s and doing MDMA. The only drugs I continued to do after returning was marijuana and ketamine, and entheogens. Around October/November of this past year I stopped using ketamine as well. I mistakenly tried MDMA once again around this time, but the magic was still gone, and I have no interest in ever doing it again. I still don’t drink, apart from 1 or 2 drinks once in a long while, but I still don’t really enjoy the feeling like I use to. I have no interest in doing any of the drugs that I have mentioned here again except for entheogens like dmt, mushrooms, LSD and marijuana.
The use of dmt has showed me many things about myself, and has given me the strength to see through my habits that were holding me back from my spiritual growth. After returning from this study abroad I was beginning to find myself. I had been looking for the spiritual path for some time. I had done much discovering of who I am, without any relation to other people around me, when I was away that summer, as I was on this trip with no one else that I knew. I started practicing yoga very frequently when I returned. Now I practice everyday and will soon begin a teacher training. During this Fall I tried ayahuasca for the first time. This was the most healing encounter I have ever experienced (next to a breakthrough dmt hit). I felt the reassurance that the damage I had caused myself from way to much MDMA use was slowly being healed. I felt as if I lost part of myself through MDMA, I wasn’t able to really enjoy things I use to, and my emotions were all over the place. I knew I would be okay and would recover though. I now know this will happen through much self-work. I sometimes still feel that I am stuck in certain circuits, but I am growing and becoming stronger now, and am stabilizing these lower circuits to enable myself to really grow spiritually. I have also since tried peyote, which was also a very spiritual experience that I would like to try again.
I now meditate regularly as well, and this has served me well. I also use many energized mediation techniques from Christopher Hyatt’s Undoing Yourself. Since I have changed my habits and modified my routines I am gaining more control over my emotions and mind. I am learning how to merely watch and observe them, without judgments or any expectations of how myself or things in general should be. I am noticing the new found silence that presents itself in my mind, and the gaps in my thoughts. I am looking to learn more about spirituality, relationships, and the universe through psychedelics, yoga and meditation, while deepening myself and my understanding of it all. I now don’t hold onto any idea, but am constantly changing my viewpoint as I am always integrating new experiences into my mental map.
Through all of this I have gained a quieter mind. I still battle with it sometimes, but it’s a work in progress. I am able to watch thoughts go by more than I use to and not get stuck on them, noticing the beginning and end of each thought. I have learned to accept that there is no control over anyone but myself. I have been able to not take things personally. This helped with getting to know my ego, and recreating it to serve me. I also found that I like spending more time by myself. I didn’t know who I really was before, as I was never alone and therefore defined myself by others presence. It was almost like I was hiding from myself. I had no personal will, I would just show up somewhere and follow the crowd.
I have been having alittle bit of a hard time lately with taking things personally and handling my thoughts and emotions in the present moment, but always realize where I went wrong after. I should also note that I am currently taking a tolerance break from marijuana right now, which is proving to be slightly harder than I had thought. I am 5 days in but it’s getting easier everyday. This was the last thing that has been holding me back in some way. It has been hindering my spiritual growth and hurting my relationships, making me feel out of control. I want to be free from all wants and gain control back over my life, and this was the last thing that I was holding onto, making me live in the future instead of the present (until I took that hit at least). I can’t wait to come back and use this wonderful drug the way it will benefit me the most. I can feel myself slowly becoming more self aware in every moment. I have learned that psychedelics may show you the way, but you have to walk the path yourself, and afterwards you still have to put in the work. I have become better at focusing on what I have, rather than what I lack. Dmt overall has refreshed my habits, and has made me try new things and return to old activities that I lost the drive for when I lost myself. I have seen that anything that takes real effort, is made to be dreaded to do, but that is where the challenge lies, and no one ever said it would be easy. Before, I was just floating through life, but now I am the captain of my own boat, and I am steering it where I want to go.
