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Chronicmic

Chronicmic

Rising Star
Popping in to the Nexus after a fair amount of lurking. 25, currently in a halfway house trying to figure out this thing called life after checking into rehab for not being able to kick a 4 year opiate habit on my own.

The ~2 years before this culmination of rehabilitation were pretty wild. It all started on the weekend I first tried DMT at a music festival.. hitchiked back from it after my friend got arrested 6 hours from where I live, and met the most insane psychedelic hook up. Mine has been a life of selling drugs, I had alot of previous experience with psychedelics before this.

All of a sudden I was getting kilos of MDMA from China. Along with a list of scheduled and unscheduled RCs/hallucinogens/DMT which I went down 1 by 1. Staying longer on some than others. After this ~2 year binge of epic proportions. During which I had no TRUE respect for these hallucinogens, not like I currently do at least.

I underwent some sort of enlightening psychedelic aided spiritual wakening which was truly eye opening. I feel as if I maybe broke down my nervous system, and was granted a view of something much more than what is normally seem by people - for an extended time after sobering up. My body was weak from the opiate withdrawal and extreme abuse I put my psychical body though, not to mention physical habituation Im still having a hard time with. I ended up relapsing on opiates, and the 'magic' slowly faded. This ~2 year experience has made me realize alot, which Im still trying to piece together.

It was the beginning of appreciating the reality for these experiences I had taken pretty much for granted, and realize that all these metaphysical 'trippy' experiences have a place and can do alot on this plane. I know realize that these substances must be studied and treated with admiration and respect. Im having a hard time figuring out how to use different chemicals to my advantage, to teach me, to help me. I probably need a break before figuring out how to be a responsible psychonaut. Which is what I strive for. Im having a hard time. I feel so much more comfortable, at home, in these altered states of mind. I pray that I can figure a way to actually use different substances to gain something, something positive, which can be applied to this material plane. Right now, my thought patterns seem so, rigid, without the use of a chemical. With a chemical they flow so well, the long complicated things which are whirring around in my head seem much easier to articulate. Just trying to find my place and figure out what the fuck Im supposed to do here.

Peace and love. Nice to be here.
 
Welcome to the Nexus. You'll find a lot of support here, if that's what you are looking for. There are a lot of people here who have had opiate addictions, including myself. I was lucky enough to get into a good methadone program at the perfect time in my life. I had just met a wonderful woman, who eventually became my wife.

I spent a decade slowly tapering off of methadone and taking no other drugs (except caffeine). It was a wonder drug for me and essentially reset my brain. Unfortunately a couple of years after getting off of methadone, I injured my back and had to be on pain killers for ~2 years. Coming off was difficult, but mostly because I had a major fear of withdrawal. I used suboxone at a low dose (I never took more than 2mgs) tapering over about 2 months. My point is, that I can drive about 45 minutes and get heroin or whatever, but I didn't.
DMT found me and I had a breakthrough experience that I partially credit with keeping me on a good path. DMT is good for a real brain reboot.

I smoke cannabis now (about an oz. a year) and drink coffee. Opiates have lost their appeal for me. A lot of people discount opiates as an entheogen, and say that you get nothing from them. I'm not sure about that, but I do know that society makes opiates a truly unsustainable substance to be involved with. Personally, I believe that some people need opiates to lead a normal life. There's something wrong with their endogenous morphine system. Unfortunately, opiates are too tricky for most people to use well. Beyond their obvious medical utility, I think they could be used as effectively as ayahuasca... in a different world. One without money and politics. So it's better ust to stay away from them all together if possible.

I hope you can manage to use psychedelics as a productive tool. It sounds like you may need to make a lot of changes before you can do that with any consistency. Well, maybe not make changes, but keep the changes you've already made, in check.

Make sure you read the Attitude and Health & Safety sections (along with the wiki) at the top of the page under the banner. This is a wonderful and friendly forum, but the rules for the community are taken seriously. Not to say that you would transgress these rules, but there are certain discouraged topics, like selling. But since your time with that is in the past, it won't matter.
Have a good time here. It's a great place.
 
Yeah I realized after posting that it read like an incredibly long run on sentence. Usually pretty good about that as well.

Support is a very big reason for me actually becoming active on this board. Never been active on a board before. Lots of social anxieties which Ive reinforced over the years have spilled over into every aspect of my life. I am aware of it and trying to find a way to break learned behaviors... with certain chemicals and therapeutic approaches. I dont know too many people who have done a very good job at integrating their psychedelic experiences to better there physical existence, and this place seems rich with them. That is what I plan on attempting to do. I really need some people in my life who can help reality check my intentions using certain chemicals, and my current supports just dont have the life experience I need for an adequate answer to why I should or shouldn't use certain chemicals to improve my life.

As for the opiates. I dont ever see myself going back to them. I realize they grounded me. I had no positive reaffirmation for what I was going through, due to who I surrounded myself with, my views only seemed acceptable when using psychedelics with people. To ground myself in between I medicated with opiates. Not to mention the risk vs. reward just doesn't pan out in opiates favor after living through that nightmare.

There will never be any problems with me as far as the attitude required for this board goes. Thats the attitude I live my life with. I know what is and what is not acceptable. Nothing but respect and thirst for knowledge from me.

Peace.
 
It's different for everyone... But in my case, I believe psychedelic use did help with my social anxieties. Many people have these kinds of problems- we are all awkward at heart- and everyone reacts differently: some hide at home and obsess over their online identities, some heavily medicate and hang around others doing the same, some create elaborate identities for themselves, such as getting heavily tattooed (that's me) to offset their insecurities.

But psychedelics can act as a catalyst for a much deeper transformation. In the course of exploring myself via heroic doses of LSD and shrooms, my definition of self expanded way beyond just being that awkward young man looking for validation. I lost my fear... And in social contexts, I started to really just relax and be myself. And it worked- surprise, surprise- I started feeling way more at ease around people, and they seemed to like me better too. This in turn helped me to chase away those pesky social insecurities once and for all.

It sounds like you've got some work ahead of you in the course of finding a comfortable relationship with your reality, but you've got a positive attitude and seem ready to do the work. I wish you the best of luck.

Welcome to the Nexus!
 
Yep, is not too late. Paragraphs are great. Reading your post on my phone was a real workout for the eyes.
 
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