I just realised that I am part of the nexus for a year and still did not introduce myself in the forum.
Not sure where I actually want to start and how deep I want to introduce myself here.
While I have been typing this I actually wished to introduce myself in a more pesetive way.
I think that this was also the reason why I never introduced myself.
But everything I experienced was and is part of me and also maybe the reason where I am headed nowdays.
I hope that people will not view and treat me differently after my intro.
Now looking back.
I experienced so much hate, suffer, pain, insecurities, neglect, discust, distrust.
Heard "that is not possible", "sounds not realistic", "you will not be able to realise that" on so many instances.
And one day i stood up and damn showed everyone how much is actually achieveable.
My entire life i have been feeling under an enourmous pressure.
High expectations from my surrounding but also from my self.
Being there for the youngers in my family while being a sustaining pillar.
When everything and everyone is broken i felt myself as entitlet to have that role at some point in my life.
And sometimes it feels like being atlas who is lifting the world.
While begging every single day not to snap.
And i am very thankful for every single thing i find in my life which helps me with hope, motivation and my believes.
My entire childhood was manifested by repetitive traumas.
I exerienced that life was very unfair with me.
Everyone in my family was suffering from my dads dark triadic personality treats.
But he was also the reason why I never ever wanted to be or get like him.
My mom developed schizophrenia when I was about 10 years old and had more outbreaks then I can or want to count.
The relationship I observed was the exact opposite of synergic and supportive.
I will not go into details here.
As nothing was supporting or holding me in my family I searched for support outside of my family.
I seeked for belonging in friendship circles which could have been viewed as the lesser evil.
Everything I am going to write was fun in some way but now looking back it was the total opposite of being responsible.
Started to hit bongs with the age of 14 daily.
Then dived into heavier drugs and RCs with the age of 18.
There were times where I just disappeared from home for weeks then came and slept there for a nigth and disappeared again.
I dropped my school and dived my nose deeply into the bucked of powder.
The main substance we were consuming back then was mephedrone (4mmc) and 3mmc daily about 10g.
At that time we also used other stuff like amph, meth, GBL, MDPV, 6APB, methylone, mdma xtals and extacy, 2dpmp, keta,..
Basically everything except heroin, benzos and crack.
My first psychodelic experience was also at that time when we divided 4g dried cubensis by 2.
I remember that it was the first time for a long time since I have loughed so much during that experience.
It was fun but we did not seek any more shrooms.
But we were able to find some 2ce and tripped on it a few times.
My biggest dose of 2ce was 100mg orally combined with 3/4mmc, speed and weed.
It was sort of interesting but the RCs were more interesting back then.
The friendship was actually very surface level in some way imo.
The only similarity was taking drugs as much as possible every day all day.
I basically snorted so much mephedrone that my body started to fight myself taking the substance.
Everytime i smelled it my nose started to clogg and rinn like a waterfall at the same time.
For a while i rolled the mmc into papes and swollowed it like that.
But the tolerance developed even faster that way.
As the papes did not fit anymore we started to dissolve and drink it in shot glasses.
My last mmc dose was 1500mg dissolved in a shot glass on an empty stomach.
I remember this day very well because it was my last mmc dose because i almost did not feel anything.
After putting the shot glass down and waiting for half an hour i shouted that i will quit.
It made no sense anymore.
The friend I was with everyday stopped with me and that is very admirable imo.
We stopped with all types of RCs.
Just smoked bong daily.
Coming back from such a flight felt very tough.
I realised how thin i got.
My weight was about 45kg with a height of 177cm at an age between 19-20.
I knew that I wanted to change something.
That was the reason why I started to do bodybuilding.
I remember that I was so weak that I was not even able to lift the empty barbell out of the bracket.
And everyone was shocked about my looking.
I kept ignoring it and went there 5 times per week. (which was too much)
The first year i barely gained weight because of not eating correctly and enought.
I still had issues with eating because of all the drugs I did.
After a year I was able to get a single vial of testosterone enantate and started shooting it.
It helped me a lot with my appetite.
Although that single 10ml vial was not even half a cycle I gained 5-10kg.
Must have been mostly water but after I stopped using it it fixed my eating issues.
At that time it felt less unpleasant to go to the gym.
Now looking back it is interesting for me to observe that I was willing to ignore all the hate for a year when going to the gym.
It is only a matter of how much someone wants to change something and how much someone is ready to sacrefice.
And I think that depends on how much something is annoying for someone.
Was it so annoying which caused a change? But on the other hand does that implicate less resilence?
Is someone who is not changeing something more resilient?
NVM I am digressing.
I continued bodybuilding for 8 years straigth without a break.
Was probably sick only 2-3 times in total.
At the end I substituted my drug consumption with bodybuilding and steroids.
I did about 3-4 steroid cycles during that time.
The biggest one was over 12 months where I used 250-500mg testosterone cypionate every 6 days with short cycles of mdrol and sdrol.
I gained from 45kg to 83kg over 8years as a hard gainer without gaining any fat.
After the first few years of bodybuilding I started a company based training as an electronic engeneer which I completed with good grades after 3.5 years.
I started my civil service which took 9 month.
That was again one stage of life where I reconsidered my life once more.
I started to go to highschool in the evenings to complete my education.
Because I was working during the day and going to school afterwards I stopped with bodybuilding.
And again I substituted my body building addiction with studying.
I have not worked out for probably about more then 6 years and lost only 20kg.
Which is fine imo when considering that I do 0 sport.
I spent all my energy and research I used for fitness into programming.
Spent nearly every free minute into MSDN documentations to learn and understand coding.
It was the first and last thing I did every day for years.
Addiction is insane.
Because I put all the time into working and learning the friendship broke apart.
We went to festivals together and used some mdma, extasy, speed and weed sometimes but there was barely free time.
I completed my high school degree also with good grades and started to work as a sw dev.
After 1 year I quit my job because I was underpaid and there was no possibility to get treated fairly.
Then I worked as a sw architect for 3 years and also quit that a few months ago because I will start to study.
A few years ago another younter family member had to go the hospital continuesly for long periods of time because of psychological reasons.
That was again a stage of my life where i reconsider my entire life.
I started to be there although I had no time.
School and work but visited the family member every other day.
I think that family member was also one of the reasons why i stopped with drugs back then.
Never wanted to be the reason whe that family member would probably also go the same toute as me.
But the situation where my family member went to the hostpital was like loosing my crutch.
The member was not able to comple the school as well.
I was there the way I wished someone has been there for me back then.
A year ago was when i tried dmt the first time.
It was a groundbreaking and lasting experience.
All the mess in my brain started to disappear.
And the mess was actually lots of useful things but everything was disconnected and made no sense.
DMT helped me to connect the useful aspects while blending the useless fog out.
It helped me to be better there for others i like.
Was able to reflect about my entire life and evaluate where i have been, where I have gone and where I want to go.
What is required to get where I want.
And the most important aspect is to also walk the way and not only think or theorise about it.
Some more infos about me:
INTJ/INTP
Virgo, Moon in Libra, ascendent scorpio
I like computer science, philosophy, psychology, stohicism, create a good impact, provide value
Highly critical thinker
good problem solver
I am happy to answer any questions.
Take care.
Not sure where I actually want to start and how deep I want to introduce myself here.
While I have been typing this I actually wished to introduce myself in a more pesetive way.
I think that this was also the reason why I never introduced myself.
But everything I experienced was and is part of me and also maybe the reason where I am headed nowdays.
I hope that people will not view and treat me differently after my intro.
Now looking back.
I experienced so much hate, suffer, pain, insecurities, neglect, discust, distrust.
Heard "that is not possible", "sounds not realistic", "you will not be able to realise that" on so many instances.
And one day i stood up and damn showed everyone how much is actually achieveable.
My entire life i have been feeling under an enourmous pressure.
High expectations from my surrounding but also from my self.
Being there for the youngers in my family while being a sustaining pillar.
When everything and everyone is broken i felt myself as entitlet to have that role at some point in my life.
And sometimes it feels like being atlas who is lifting the world.
While begging every single day not to snap.
And i am very thankful for every single thing i find in my life which helps me with hope, motivation and my believes.
My entire childhood was manifested by repetitive traumas.
I exerienced that life was very unfair with me.
Everyone in my family was suffering from my dads dark triadic personality treats.
But he was also the reason why I never ever wanted to be or get like him.
My mom developed schizophrenia when I was about 10 years old and had more outbreaks then I can or want to count.
The relationship I observed was the exact opposite of synergic and supportive.
I will not go into details here.
As nothing was supporting or holding me in my family I searched for support outside of my family.
I seeked for belonging in friendship circles which could have been viewed as the lesser evil.
Everything I am going to write was fun in some way but now looking back it was the total opposite of being responsible.
Started to hit bongs with the age of 14 daily.
Then dived into heavier drugs and RCs with the age of 18.
There were times where I just disappeared from home for weeks then came and slept there for a nigth and disappeared again.
I dropped my school and dived my nose deeply into the bucked of powder.
The main substance we were consuming back then was mephedrone (4mmc) and 3mmc daily about 10g.
At that time we also used other stuff like amph, meth, GBL, MDPV, 6APB, methylone, mdma xtals and extacy, 2dpmp, keta,..
Basically everything except heroin, benzos and crack.
My first psychodelic experience was also at that time when we divided 4g dried cubensis by 2.
I remember that it was the first time for a long time since I have loughed so much during that experience.
It was fun but we did not seek any more shrooms.
But we were able to find some 2ce and tripped on it a few times.
My biggest dose of 2ce was 100mg orally combined with 3/4mmc, speed and weed.
It was sort of interesting but the RCs were more interesting back then.
The friendship was actually very surface level in some way imo.
The only similarity was taking drugs as much as possible every day all day.
I basically snorted so much mephedrone that my body started to fight myself taking the substance.
Everytime i smelled it my nose started to clogg and rinn like a waterfall at the same time.
For a while i rolled the mmc into papes and swollowed it like that.
But the tolerance developed even faster that way.
As the papes did not fit anymore we started to dissolve and drink it in shot glasses.
My last mmc dose was 1500mg dissolved in a shot glass on an empty stomach.
I remember this day very well because it was my last mmc dose because i almost did not feel anything.
After putting the shot glass down and waiting for half an hour i shouted that i will quit.
It made no sense anymore.
The friend I was with everyday stopped with me and that is very admirable imo.
We stopped with all types of RCs.
Just smoked bong daily.
Coming back from such a flight felt very tough.
I realised how thin i got.
My weight was about 45kg with a height of 177cm at an age between 19-20.
I knew that I wanted to change something.
That was the reason why I started to do bodybuilding.
I remember that I was so weak that I was not even able to lift the empty barbell out of the bracket.
And everyone was shocked about my looking.
I kept ignoring it and went there 5 times per week. (which was too much)
The first year i barely gained weight because of not eating correctly and enought.
I still had issues with eating because of all the drugs I did.
After a year I was able to get a single vial of testosterone enantate and started shooting it.
It helped me a lot with my appetite.
Although that single 10ml vial was not even half a cycle I gained 5-10kg.
Must have been mostly water but after I stopped using it it fixed my eating issues.
At that time it felt less unpleasant to go to the gym.
Now looking back it is interesting for me to observe that I was willing to ignore all the hate for a year when going to the gym.
It is only a matter of how much someone wants to change something and how much someone is ready to sacrefice.
And I think that depends on how much something is annoying for someone.
Was it so annoying which caused a change? But on the other hand does that implicate less resilence?
Is someone who is not changeing something more resilient?
NVM I am digressing.
I continued bodybuilding for 8 years straigth without a break.
Was probably sick only 2-3 times in total.
At the end I substituted my drug consumption with bodybuilding and steroids.
I did about 3-4 steroid cycles during that time.
The biggest one was over 12 months where I used 250-500mg testosterone cypionate every 6 days with short cycles of mdrol and sdrol.
I gained from 45kg to 83kg over 8years as a hard gainer without gaining any fat.
After the first few years of bodybuilding I started a company based training as an electronic engeneer which I completed with good grades after 3.5 years.
I started my civil service which took 9 month.
That was again one stage of life where I reconsidered my life once more.
I started to go to highschool in the evenings to complete my education.
Because I was working during the day and going to school afterwards I stopped with bodybuilding.
And again I substituted my body building addiction with studying.
I have not worked out for probably about more then 6 years and lost only 20kg.
Which is fine imo when considering that I do 0 sport.
I spent all my energy and research I used for fitness into programming.
Spent nearly every free minute into MSDN documentations to learn and understand coding.
It was the first and last thing I did every day for years.
Addiction is insane.
Because I put all the time into working and learning the friendship broke apart.
We went to festivals together and used some mdma, extasy, speed and weed sometimes but there was barely free time.
I completed my high school degree also with good grades and started to work as a sw dev.
After 1 year I quit my job because I was underpaid and there was no possibility to get treated fairly.
Then I worked as a sw architect for 3 years and also quit that a few months ago because I will start to study.
A few years ago another younter family member had to go the hospital continuesly for long periods of time because of psychological reasons.
That was again a stage of my life where i reconsider my entire life.
I started to be there although I had no time.
School and work but visited the family member every other day.
I think that family member was also one of the reasons why i stopped with drugs back then.
Never wanted to be the reason whe that family member would probably also go the same toute as me.
But the situation where my family member went to the hostpital was like loosing my crutch.
The member was not able to comple the school as well.
I was there the way I wished someone has been there for me back then.
A year ago was when i tried dmt the first time.
It was a groundbreaking and lasting experience.
All the mess in my brain started to disappear.
And the mess was actually lots of useful things but everything was disconnected and made no sense.
DMT helped me to connect the useful aspects while blending the useless fog out.
It helped me to be better there for others i like.
Was able to reflect about my entire life and evaluate where i have been, where I have gone and where I want to go.
What is required to get where I want.
And the most important aspect is to also walk the way and not only think or theorise about it.
Some more infos about me:
INTJ/INTP
Virgo, Moon in Libra, ascendent scorpio
I like computer science, philosophy, psychology, stohicism, create a good impact, provide value
Highly critical thinker
good problem solver
I am happy to answer any questions.
Take care.
Last edited:
