Evening there to everyone.
This is a story of what happened to swim 6 months ago, and what is going on now.
Swim has a story to tell about Swim. All in are fictional and not to be taken seriously at any point for any reason, same kind of fictional that the world is fictional. Of course according to the multiverse theory all of it happened to Swim but Swim would like to share it.
So, surviving childhood sexual abuse, the resulting depression and PTSD Swim has gotten off to living his life, sort of. Now Swim does spiritual things, meditates and does healings.
Swim saw a visual of a dark brownish sludge when he thought of what hallucinogenic he should use. Swim did not know what this was until Swim learned of Ayahusca sometime later. For 6 or so years Swim did not feel the time was right, about 3-4 months Swim felt it was the time, but Swim might have done a serious miscalculation! See, Swim is bad with taking it easy and math...
So
Swim orders about 70g of MH in powder form and about 50g of Syrian rue. Thinking it would be sufficient for Swim's needs for an extended period of time. Before ordering Swim Meditates and asks the spirit guides to make sure its DARN good quality.
Then Swim boils 20 grams of Syrian rue, and 30 grams of Mimosa, separately. Swim adds the lemon juice. Swim boils each for 3-6 hours, meditating, listening to calm music, communicating with the spirits and focusing good intentions. Swim also takes a scorching hot shower and ritually cleanses his skin with soap, love and lots of hot water, Swim also fasts for 24-48ish hours or so. Yes, you see where this is going don't you, I'll tell the whole story anyway. Swim has 2 watchers with him and a video cam. Swim dons his ritual garb he likes to use for all kinds of things like these.
After emotionally preparing and watching nice anime and such, swim in 10 minutes drinks about a glass full of Syrian. To this day not sure how much Swim actually drank, good estimate would be 10, perhaps 15 grams worth of Syrian tee. Swim learned later that this batch of syrian is one of the most potent his friend has ever seen, so think, potent. Then Swim proceeds to drink a few sips of Mimosa, perhaps 3-10 grams, likely to be 3-5 grams. This would all happen within 30 minutes. Swim wanted to go DEEP.
Then the Syrian started to kick in, waves of "you will be healed if you hold on + fear" washed over.
Swim thought, I can survive this!
Swim understood that this is all that PTSD and depression all over again, surviving pain and so on, that Swim is so tired of always suffering, why can’t healing be pleasurable! Swim told the spirit that he isn’t ready, spirit slightly backed off, Swim half in panic half in determined I don’t want to go through this now, went down the whole hospital path with the ambulance and the flashing lights.
But interesting thing is this. When Swim put the phone down and stood up, trip was over in almost a flash. Swim felt the spirit of mimosa, a green lady wave and say "you need to love yourself and heal yourself first, or this will be too rough for you. I can cure you, but this is something you need to do to yourself"
Visuals during the trip were exceptionally long Tracers, lasting perhaps 3-5 seconds. A trippy sense of panic, In a small way "I’m going to die" but more of a panic of "I’ll be healed, and I fear that". The thought was not one of wanting to be healed and resisting, where the spirit would force the issue. But one of not wanting to be healed at all, in a deep level so tired of others meddling. Swim felt the spirit decide that this is not something Swim is ready. Though the Syrian did remain in Swims system for 2 weeks afterwards and Swim felt a bubbly sense of panic and joy for 2 weeks afterwards. Also, a purge lasting 15-30 seconds from the bowels of the depths of the underworld punctuated by swims gasps for breath in the hospital got the paramedic looking like he just saw a ghost. You know that purge, where you sit but sort of lean on one side and purge, gasp for breath, which all goes in the stomach, belch incredibly loudly and purge again, all the while not getting any air and starting to feel like you'll pass out, but getting little bits of air just before you purge again. Swim was coherent and smiling coming in, paramedics not taking it seriously, Swim gets to sit in, Swim says "I think something is coming up" swim looks like the woman from exorcism! Swim smiles with a sense of accomplishment and euphoria. Paramedics look scared... Poor medics.
Oh, one visual from the spirit was that the sludge at the bottom of my vomit bucket back before Swim went to the hospital turned to 3 brightly colored white sheep and 1 green bush, and they were like cartoon sheep jumping up giddily and eating that bush. This was accompanied by the spirit of the Ayahusca (which Swim summoned before the consumption to guide me) saying "see, this is cute, it’s nice, I’ll be gentle, I’ll be kind, I’ll heal you, relax" but see, Swim was "WHY MUST I HEAL, WHY CAN'T I FEEL LIKE IM IN PAIN WHEN I AM, WHY MUST I CHANGE!!!" if you'll excuse the yelling. Which of course was all in Swim's head. Anyway.
All in all, the lesson in this was what Swim needed:
"You are rolled over into a ball in the corner, admit that you hurt and you are in pain, unroll yourself and get better on your own pace, slowly, I’ll be here waiting to show this side of the fence" followed by a hand wave and a graceful glide away!
Which is something Swim had not wanted to admit, just how much Swim hurts. Now Swim is learning that he doesn’t have to be the first one in, last one out, so to say. Swim is slowly deflating his defenses and getting rid of some demons, possessions and things he doesn’t even know he has, but has learned afterwards.
Later Swim drank a very small dose, less than perhaps 1g of Syrian and 1g of Mimosa, much less in fact. Had a violent purge accompanied with “!YOU ARE NOT READY! But since you’re so nice, we won’t punish you, go watch some anime!” Swim proceeded to hug this giant plushy and watch Ah My Goddess. Spirit of healing and compassion appeared in anime, anime had scenes never before seen by Swim despite watching this anime dozens of times, literally. New scenes involved spirits talking to Swim.
See, this is Swims experience with Syrian-Mimosa. Taking just the right amount of too much to crack Swims defenses and force swim to admit that he is in pain, while not too much to force the pain away. Swim learned exactly what he had to, now swim must learn to love what swim learned.
Swim can't drink one sip of alcohol without getting a massive panic attack that slowly washes away, with the emotion being "I fear losing myself, I fear change" which is the issue that the spirit bought to the surface that Swim must face. Swim can’t even take a hit from a bong without having a terrible sense of fear or even terror.
Swim now feels afraid, but happy that the emotion comes to the surface now. Swim feels like he doesn't want to hurt anymore.
Swim is content.
Also, Swim recommends people not drink more than 3-5 g of Syrian. Swim strongly recommends people not boil 20g of very potent Syrian Seeds with the intent to go off the deep end unless one really wants to go off the deep end.
Also, swim has a passing thought a few times a day that perhaps this is Swim's trip. The illusion that the trip ends and am healed in this time beyond time appearing like time from before. That perhaps this is the way it would work for Swim. That Swim learns to be human in this world, then wake up lying in his bed years before. Swim brushes these thoughts aside as inherently unverifiable and potentially leading to psychosis.
Swim is on the path of healing, set there by the shock and fear that Ayahuasca caused. But it might be months or years or even decades from the first intro to the second intro. Swim will be ready, but it will take time. Swim is rolled up into such a tight ball shivering in the corner. Ayahuasca cant heal Swim, Damage came from outside, Swim wont trust outside, Swim wants to stand up on his own, slowly. Ayahuasca cheer on but not like to interfere. Not ayahuascas mission! Ayahuasca wait for Swim so Ayahuasca and Swim can go fishing, that is, turn into fishes and swim the Amazon! All in due time, one thing Swim still has to learn, that and Swim must choose if he wants to live or not! Decide to call ambulance was first step to decide to be alive! Decision to get rid of possessions and demons was an important step. Decision to follow dreams and find a good fulfilling and challenging job and not give up was a good one. Ayahuasca force Swim to decide what Swim want and go for it. Swim not want to die yet, Swim not want Ego death yet, Ego death fine and good, not Swims thing yet, Swim been ego pain so long swim want ego love first! Then Swim maybe get ego death!
PS: Apologize for third person and childlike writing, Swim in a ball in corner and like to write like child, Swim feel better! =) If inappropriate for forum, Swim apologizes and rewrite in all serious tone! Swim prefer childlike tone and innocence and awe at aya that tone convey!
PPS: Swim crying when writing this since Ayahusca hugs Swim! =)
This is a story of what happened to swim 6 months ago, and what is going on now.
Swim has a story to tell about Swim. All in are fictional and not to be taken seriously at any point for any reason, same kind of fictional that the world is fictional. Of course according to the multiverse theory all of it happened to Swim but Swim would like to share it.
So, surviving childhood sexual abuse, the resulting depression and PTSD Swim has gotten off to living his life, sort of. Now Swim does spiritual things, meditates and does healings.
Swim saw a visual of a dark brownish sludge when he thought of what hallucinogenic he should use. Swim did not know what this was until Swim learned of Ayahusca sometime later. For 6 or so years Swim did not feel the time was right, about 3-4 months Swim felt it was the time, but Swim might have done a serious miscalculation! See, Swim is bad with taking it easy and math...
So
Swim orders about 70g of MH in powder form and about 50g of Syrian rue. Thinking it would be sufficient for Swim's needs for an extended period of time. Before ordering Swim Meditates and asks the spirit guides to make sure its DARN good quality.
Then Swim boils 20 grams of Syrian rue, and 30 grams of Mimosa, separately. Swim adds the lemon juice. Swim boils each for 3-6 hours, meditating, listening to calm music, communicating with the spirits and focusing good intentions. Swim also takes a scorching hot shower and ritually cleanses his skin with soap, love and lots of hot water, Swim also fasts for 24-48ish hours or so. Yes, you see where this is going don't you, I'll tell the whole story anyway. Swim has 2 watchers with him and a video cam. Swim dons his ritual garb he likes to use for all kinds of things like these.
After emotionally preparing and watching nice anime and such, swim in 10 minutes drinks about a glass full of Syrian. To this day not sure how much Swim actually drank, good estimate would be 10, perhaps 15 grams worth of Syrian tee. Swim learned later that this batch of syrian is one of the most potent his friend has ever seen, so think, potent. Then Swim proceeds to drink a few sips of Mimosa, perhaps 3-10 grams, likely to be 3-5 grams. This would all happen within 30 minutes. Swim wanted to go DEEP.
Then the Syrian started to kick in, waves of "you will be healed if you hold on + fear" washed over.
Swim thought, I can survive this!
Swim understood that this is all that PTSD and depression all over again, surviving pain and so on, that Swim is so tired of always suffering, why can’t healing be pleasurable! Swim told the spirit that he isn’t ready, spirit slightly backed off, Swim half in panic half in determined I don’t want to go through this now, went down the whole hospital path with the ambulance and the flashing lights.
But interesting thing is this. When Swim put the phone down and stood up, trip was over in almost a flash. Swim felt the spirit of mimosa, a green lady wave and say "you need to love yourself and heal yourself first, or this will be too rough for you. I can cure you, but this is something you need to do to yourself"
Visuals during the trip were exceptionally long Tracers, lasting perhaps 3-5 seconds. A trippy sense of panic, In a small way "I’m going to die" but more of a panic of "I’ll be healed, and I fear that". The thought was not one of wanting to be healed and resisting, where the spirit would force the issue. But one of not wanting to be healed at all, in a deep level so tired of others meddling. Swim felt the spirit decide that this is not something Swim is ready. Though the Syrian did remain in Swims system for 2 weeks afterwards and Swim felt a bubbly sense of panic and joy for 2 weeks afterwards. Also, a purge lasting 15-30 seconds from the bowels of the depths of the underworld punctuated by swims gasps for breath in the hospital got the paramedic looking like he just saw a ghost. You know that purge, where you sit but sort of lean on one side and purge, gasp for breath, which all goes in the stomach, belch incredibly loudly and purge again, all the while not getting any air and starting to feel like you'll pass out, but getting little bits of air just before you purge again. Swim was coherent and smiling coming in, paramedics not taking it seriously, Swim gets to sit in, Swim says "I think something is coming up" swim looks like the woman from exorcism! Swim smiles with a sense of accomplishment and euphoria. Paramedics look scared... Poor medics.
Oh, one visual from the spirit was that the sludge at the bottom of my vomit bucket back before Swim went to the hospital turned to 3 brightly colored white sheep and 1 green bush, and they were like cartoon sheep jumping up giddily and eating that bush. This was accompanied by the spirit of the Ayahusca (which Swim summoned before the consumption to guide me) saying "see, this is cute, it’s nice, I’ll be gentle, I’ll be kind, I’ll heal you, relax" but see, Swim was "WHY MUST I HEAL, WHY CAN'T I FEEL LIKE IM IN PAIN WHEN I AM, WHY MUST I CHANGE!!!" if you'll excuse the yelling. Which of course was all in Swim's head. Anyway.
All in all, the lesson in this was what Swim needed:
"You are rolled over into a ball in the corner, admit that you hurt and you are in pain, unroll yourself and get better on your own pace, slowly, I’ll be here waiting to show this side of the fence" followed by a hand wave and a graceful glide away!
Which is something Swim had not wanted to admit, just how much Swim hurts. Now Swim is learning that he doesn’t have to be the first one in, last one out, so to say. Swim is slowly deflating his defenses and getting rid of some demons, possessions and things he doesn’t even know he has, but has learned afterwards.
Later Swim drank a very small dose, less than perhaps 1g of Syrian and 1g of Mimosa, much less in fact. Had a violent purge accompanied with “!YOU ARE NOT READY! But since you’re so nice, we won’t punish you, go watch some anime!” Swim proceeded to hug this giant plushy and watch Ah My Goddess. Spirit of healing and compassion appeared in anime, anime had scenes never before seen by Swim despite watching this anime dozens of times, literally. New scenes involved spirits talking to Swim.
See, this is Swims experience with Syrian-Mimosa. Taking just the right amount of too much to crack Swims defenses and force swim to admit that he is in pain, while not too much to force the pain away. Swim learned exactly what he had to, now swim must learn to love what swim learned.
Swim can't drink one sip of alcohol without getting a massive panic attack that slowly washes away, with the emotion being "I fear losing myself, I fear change" which is the issue that the spirit bought to the surface that Swim must face. Swim can’t even take a hit from a bong without having a terrible sense of fear or even terror.
Swim now feels afraid, but happy that the emotion comes to the surface now. Swim feels like he doesn't want to hurt anymore.
Swim is content.
Also, Swim recommends people not drink more than 3-5 g of Syrian. Swim strongly recommends people not boil 20g of very potent Syrian Seeds with the intent to go off the deep end unless one really wants to go off the deep end.
Also, swim has a passing thought a few times a day that perhaps this is Swim's trip. The illusion that the trip ends and am healed in this time beyond time appearing like time from before. That perhaps this is the way it would work for Swim. That Swim learns to be human in this world, then wake up lying in his bed years before. Swim brushes these thoughts aside as inherently unverifiable and potentially leading to psychosis.
Swim is on the path of healing, set there by the shock and fear that Ayahuasca caused. But it might be months or years or even decades from the first intro to the second intro. Swim will be ready, but it will take time. Swim is rolled up into such a tight ball shivering in the corner. Ayahuasca cant heal Swim, Damage came from outside, Swim wont trust outside, Swim wants to stand up on his own, slowly. Ayahuasca cheer on but not like to interfere. Not ayahuascas mission! Ayahuasca wait for Swim so Ayahuasca and Swim can go fishing, that is, turn into fishes and swim the Amazon! All in due time, one thing Swim still has to learn, that and Swim must choose if he wants to live or not! Decide to call ambulance was first step to decide to be alive! Decision to get rid of possessions and demons was an important step. Decision to follow dreams and find a good fulfilling and challenging job and not give up was a good one. Ayahuasca force Swim to decide what Swim want and go for it. Swim not want to die yet, Swim not want Ego death yet, Ego death fine and good, not Swims thing yet, Swim been ego pain so long swim want ego love first! Then Swim maybe get ego death!
PS: Apologize for third person and childlike writing, Swim in a ball in corner and like to write like child, Swim feel better! =) If inappropriate for forum, Swim apologizes and rewrite in all serious tone! Swim prefer childlike tone and innocence and awe at aya that tone convey!
PPS: Swim crying when writing this since Ayahusca hugs Swim! =)
