thanks enoon - interesting you say this...before i lay for sleep - i tell my self this is training. a friend at another group posted this to me related to the sword/turtle shell vision/experience:

i can tell you this...i am about as "average" as they come...hell i might even be considered below average to some...dui...three divorces...i am a good father ...can keep a regular job - i was just seeking a view...glimpse into the unknown...maybe there is a bigger "plan"... what i know is that something wants something i have (that we all have - because i ain't that special) and i have said - if i need to take up a sword and don a turtle shell shield - so be it...if it means i lose my soul in this battle then so be it...and to that thought i cried profoundly...but the alternative - this evil continues without so much as a whimper from me...and that will just not do.

so i do somethings now i think will help - i eat every other day and i try to live with intent in every word/action/thought that acknowledges the suffering of all and relieves the suffering where i can...the food i do not consume is now available for those without.