I Am the Abyss

[Palmer Eldritch]

PRE-CONDITIONS
(mind)Set: mild anxiety for the intention is grave (pun intended; see below)
(physical condition) Set: no physical complaints and no symptoms but I have stage 4 kidney cancer
Setting (location): at home with my pup resting (I live alone)
time of day: evening, hazy overcast
recent drug use: smoked some spice a few weeks ago; only medication I'm on is immunotherapy for the cancer (not contraindicated with MAOI)
last meal: shortly before the trip, ate half a chicken burrito; had some pre-flight jitters and didn't finish the meal

PARTICIPANT
Gender: M
body weight: ~75 kg (165-170 lbs)
known sensitivities: none
history of use: very experienced with smoked spice; first time with 'hausca

BIOASSAY
Substance(s): Harmala extract; DMT
Dose(s): ~60-70 mg; ~60-70 mg (freebase weights)
Method of administration: sublingual tinctures dissolved in 2:1:1 5% vinegar:H2O:glycerin

EFFECTS[/u]
Administration time: T=0:00 12 drops Harmala tincture (~40 mg); T+0:10 12 drops DMT tincture (~30 mg); T+0:30 additional 3 drops each (~10 mg Harmala; ~7.5 mg DMT); T+0:45 additional 3 drops DMT tincture (~7.5 mg); T+1:00 additional 6 drops each (~20 mg Harmala; ~15 mg DMT); T+4:30(?) unknown quantity smoked DMT
Duration: ~6 hours (including smoked)
First effects: T+0:20
Peak: T+2:00-3:30
Come down: T+3:30-4:00
Baseline: T+6:00 (went to sleep, might have had some afterglow at this point)

Intensity (overall): 3
Evaluation / notes: not as intense as I was hoping, but exactly what I needed

OPTIONAL
Pleasantness: 4
Implesantness: 0
Visual Intensity: 2.5
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AFTER-EFFECTS
Hangover: 0.5; a bit tired this morning, but I did stay up way past my bedtime
Afterglow: 2 contemplative this morning


REPORT
At T-0:15, I set my intention and meditated on the experience before me. As I shared in my introduction essay, I have stage 4/metastatic kidney cancer. Though I physically feel fine, the likelihood of cure is very low, and only 15% of people with stage 4 kidney cancer survive more than 5 years.* I wanted this trip to be a conscious exploration of death and what awaits me if I don't get better.

(The dosing got kind of weird, because at certain points I felt like I was starting to plateau and I wanted to go deeper. I may need to adjust for future 'hausca trips so I'm not re-dosing multiple times.)

Eventually, I did peak, and it was exactly what I wanted and needed.

I had set the intention and now it was time to face my death. I was a little anxious about what shape this experience would take before I came up. Once I arrived, there was no fear, no hesitation.

I sank into my couch and began contemplating death. Everyone dies. Even the most fantastical sci-fi pipe dreams of immortality are not only (very very likely) implausible, but they should be undesirable. The fear must be immense to want to hide from something so peaceful and empty as dying.

I stretched my arm out over the couch and clasped hands with Death. I brought her hand close to my heart, and she showed me what my death would be like.

Death is a lot like becoming enlightened. Enlightenment is about seeing the Truth. But becoming enlightened is not about seeking the Truth or looking for it, either within or without. To be truly enlightened, you must see the false and recognize it for being false. Only once you have realized the falseness in everything, all that remains is Truth. Once you see it, all that remains is what is.

Death is a shedding of that which is false. All the layers of what you think you are are let go. All that remains is Truth, Reality, Self, Soul. How could anyone fear such a beautiful experience.

I hope there are many more experiences before my (possibly impending) demise, but when it's time, I know it will feel like coming home.

The rest of the evening was incredible. After exploring the depth of death, I contemplated life. What I want to do with the rest of my time here, whether it's 2 years or 50. It was very long winded discussion (yes, I was talking to myself for a solid 2 hours (?)), examining everything I'm doing and everything I want to do.

Ultimately, I want to live my life more intentionally. I don't want to sit down after work every day and browse Netflix because I'm bored and tired. Or play a video game I'm only partially invested in. That's not to say there's no value in watching movies/TV or playing games; conversely, I think there is immense value in specific media. But only when consumed mindfully.

That's what I want more than anything, is to be mindful about how I'm spending my time, even more so because I might not have much.

Leaving you with some beautiful "atmospheric melodic blackened death"

*I recognize that it's hard to apply population level statistics to any individual case, and I'm not resigned to dying within ~5 years. I'm simply including relevant data to provide context for the experience.

 

[fink]

I enjoyed this report. Thank you.

Do you believe in some way that a prognosis of your own death can be seen as a blessing in some sense? Of course it is not a blessing in the obvious sense. It must be a very difficult realisation for you at times. But is there a double edged view to it? In other words, we are all dying. A young human may quite rightly get told that before 100 years have passed they will be dead. But we dont really give that prediction to young humans. We allow them to block out the impending end.

That sense of false hope can continue almost indefinitely unless we have a reason to truly contemplate our own death, such as the one you have been given. Humans really do not want to be reminded of their impermanence in most cases.

But with that, you have the advantage to truly confront the inevitable. It appears you have done so with a result of rising inner peace. I suspect that many humans never have the chance to explore what you describe here until right at the last moment when a sudden realisation is forced on them.

Are you finding yourself compelled to do the things that really matter today? Procrastination is really just another way of saying 'well I'm not dying yet'. Which is in fact false for everyone.

And I fully agree that immortality would be undesirable. The boredom of permanence must be what true hell is.

Thanks for your report

 

[Pandora]

Palmer Eldritch,

Great experience report. Thank you for sharing.

Very impressive the way you set your intention and got the result you were looking for. I have often said DMT gives us not what we want but what we need. Looks like you found the two to be the same.

I have a question for you that would make most men angry, non-responsive, leave the room etc. But given your circumstances I feel you might be willing to not only let it in the room but face it head on. My question is this:

Given that in reality war, mass killings, genocides, mass murders, mass shootings and the realm of violence and dealing death is almost 100% controlled and given out by MALES I am curious - why do you think you see death as having a feminine aspect?

I hear you about wanting to live with intention knowing you have limited time. I personally want to thank you for taking the time to share your experiences with us and to be here.

 

[Jees]

Thanks for the report!

...The fear must be immense to want to hide from something so peaceful and empty as dying...

...Death is a shedding of that which is false...How could anyone fear such a beautiful experience...

This has always been very much my concept of death too. Sometimes taking solace that this is awaiting, finally, rest, peace, the absence of dingelang ding dong things.

In one of my deepest trips I got a surprise coming, one I did not like at all, it actually upset me and I was kind of saddened.
The message was clear: after death, more of the rumble goes on in just another form or function. The final point was that in the cosmological existence, dead or alive, it's always going to be a fanfare of intensities and ripping activities. End sum was: no rest for you buddy, forget it. Death would not escape any of it. It goes on and on.... in boundless times...

I'm the last one to say that this is all true. It was a trip with a realization. A point of perspective. And I would not be surprised that it is, after all, a naïve interpretation made out of limited scope on 'reality' as known by my mind. A stance. A brain fart extraordinaire? I don't know.

 

[UnSaNiTy]

Transformation is a something to look forward to but never rushed. It comes when it comes and when it does everything is ok. Please know that I see you in your writing, the person sitting there, and I love you immensely in this moment and you have my gratitude for the love you created.


From the bottom of my heart, thank you for sharing something so eloquently beautiful!

 

[bIRD_]

Thank you Palmer Eldritch and everyone participating in this thread. I greatly enjoyed your report and the input others gave. In your experience is a lot to gain and enabled me to think about great concepts.

 

[Palmer Eldritch]

Thanks for reading and all the thoughtful replies!

Do you believe in some way that a prognosis of your own death can be seen as a blessing in some sense?

Are you finding yourself compelled to do the things that really matter today? Procrastination is really just another way of saying 'well I'm not dying yet'. Which is in fact false for everyone.

I think it certainly has some advantages. As you mentioned, it would be a lot easier to continue to put off certain things in life owing to a an indeterminate (seemingly immense) amount of time left on Earth.

As with all things, I try not to think in black and white. Many "negative" experiences have led to deep transformations or unanticipated benefits. Even the initial cancer diagnosis (which was well over four years ago) led to some much needed change and ultimately improved my life for the better.

Palmer Eldritch,

Very impressive the way you set your intention and got the result you were looking for. I have often said DMT gives us not what we want but what we need. Looks like you found the two to be the same.

I have a question for you that would make most men angry, non-responsive, leave the room etc. But given your circumstances I feel you might be willing to not only let it in the room but face it head on. My question is this:

Given that in reality war, mass killings, genocides, mass murders, mass shootings and the realm of violence and dealing death is almost 100% controlled and given out by MALES I am curious - why do you think you see death as having a feminine aspect?

I normally surrender to the experience when it comes to psychedelics. I don't usually go in with clear, specific intentions like that. Cool that I was able to channel so successfully.

When I first got the news that the cancer had recurred and spread, I was a lot more anxious and upset. Of course time can help us assimilate these feelings, but I also made a point of smoking some spice that day or weekend. I find smoked DMT can be much more disorienting and hard to interpret/explain, but I came back from the experience refreshed and reset to my usual laid back self.

As for Death having a feminine aspect, I don't really think Death itself is gendered specifically. Like, I don't think it's 100% feminine and probably can take many forms. As for why she appeared in a feminine form, I think it was mostly to comfort me. She was taking a gentler aspect as to guide me through what could be seen as a difficult experience without pain and any of the rigid strength/harsh/strict/violent male stereotypes.

Then again, I may just have been primed by the song "Death" by Cellar Darling, where a beautiful young lady sings from the perspective of Death coming to collect a soul.

This has always been very much my concept of death too. Sometimes taking solace that this is awaiting, finally, rest, peace, the absence of dingelang ding dong things.

In one of my deepest trips I got a surprise coming, one I did not like at all, it actually upset me and I was kind of saddened.
The message was clear: after death, more of the rumble goes on in just another form or function. The final point was that in the cosmological existence, dead or alive, it's always going to be a fanfare of intensities and ripping activities. End sum was: no rest for you buddy, forget it. Death would not escape any of it. It goes on and on.... in boundless times...

I'm the last one to say that this is all true. It was a trip with a realization. A point of perspective. And I would not be surprised that it is, after all, a naïve interpretation made out of limited scope on 'reality' as known by my mind. A stance. A brain fart extraordinaire? I don't know.

Thanks for the insight! I wouldn't be too surprised if dinglelang ding dong things exist AFTER death. My experience of course just being the moment of death, with nothing regarding any potential afterlife. Though, "I" won't be the one experiencing them. The physical shell, ego, psyche are shed and only Soul remains. Soul cannot be tainted by the world of experience, so what remains won't be this weary being.

One analogy that I think works well here is the idea of a simulated reality. Like, we're all just wired into the Matrix and upon death, we'll wake up in another world where we all live different lives and our current reality is just an endless VR entertainment complex.

Thus, something would live on beyond our death. But the sharpness of our current experience would dull and dwindle. Like a movie. No matter how deeply we are touched by the movie, over time our memories fade. With a fully immersive VR, I imagine it would be more so. Eventually all we have are dull representations, distorted by the being jacked into the Matrix. My memories as Palmer Eldritch will be gone replaced by John Smith's memories of having been Eldritch.

Assuming that's not the true nature of reality (if it is, yikes!) and just an analogy, our Souls may have some memories of the life just lived but only in a nonpersonal sense. Like, my psyche won't survive death, so any lasting impression of me as Palmer Eldritch will be more of a knowing and less of a being. Again, "I" (all the falseness of me as a person click clacking away on a keyboard with thoughts and emotions, etc.) won't be around to experience the next level of dingledong things.

Or I could be totally wrong about everything. That's the beauty of it, isn't it?

Transformation is a something to look forward to but never rushed. It comes when it comes and when it does everything is ok. Please know that I see you in your writing, the person sitting there, and I love you immensely in this moment and you have my gratitude for the love you created.


From the bottom of my heart, thank you for sharing something so eloquently beautiful!

Love Love Love

Thank you! I hope it was evident in my writing, I'm not advocating for rushing. I was suicidal in that past, but that seems like a lifetime ago.

No, I'm fully plugged into this life for as long as it will have me and relish the beauty of being alive. But cool to know that what awaits will be as beautiful as it is.

 

[Jees]

Thanks for the responses Palmer E.
I feel for your process.

...Or I could be totally wrong about everything. That's the beauty of it, isn't it?...

This is indeed a very much recommended virtue: having one's stances, convictions, biases, thoughts,..., and at the same time the power to put it all in perspective. This might look as a to-avoid contradiction or spinelessness but it is not, it is a liberation to embrace the contradictions and uncertainties fully. Takes away so much mental battle pressure and stress by zooming out.

 

[Palmer Eldritch]

This is indeed a very much recommended virtue: having one's stances, convictions, biases, thoughts,..., and at the same time the power to put it all in perspective. This might look as a to-avoid contradiction or spinelessness but it is not, it is a liberation to embrace the contradictions and uncertainties fully. Takes away so much mental battle pressure and stress by zooming out.

Yeah, I once had this "revelation" (revelation in quotes because it seems a rather obvious understanding) when I smoked some DMT a couple months ago. I was having these deep thoughts about the Nature of Reality and all of sudden, the thought popped in my head: "As if my beliefs mean anything." It was the kind of profound hilarity of how the world will be what it is and my beliefs about the True Nature of Reality don't actually change Reality itself. I could be right, I could be wrong, but what is, is. What is doesn't care if I know the Truth, or if I pretend to know, etc.

It's all so obvious, of course, but people get sticky with their beliefs. I have my ideas about the world, but they don't mean anything to True Truth.

 

[Jees]

About the ambiguous character of thoughts, realizations or existence at large I like to cross reference a fellow nexian 'null24' findings:

...an experiential awareness that I am something simultaneously intrinsic and insignificant to something outside of and far greater than myself...

...I knew from a experiential perspective, that is, not as an article of faith, that although "me" is insignificant, that "I" play an intrinsic part in the nature of being...

 

[Voidmatrix]

I found this extremely beautiful (as well as the discourse that has followed the OP)
. My heart also goes out to you and I hope and pray for the best.

Based on what's been stated and shared, I'd like to share this with you. I have a hard time committing to specific ideals about many things and the self is no exception. I tend to feel that the self is constituted mainly by continuity more than any permanent static being pr essence considering the nature of change that we go through in life. If transmigration/reincarnation is a phenomenon of reality, then it's simply the continuity of the individual soul that continues onward without the framework of the present (but ever changing) ego, psyche, etc.

Your embrace of contradiction is akin to my adherence to paradox. So I feel inclined to share this one with you as well (posts 7 and 10 specifically)

I also appreciated the sentiment about it not mattering what your thoughts are about reality. It seems to me that many claim to be seeking the "truth" of reality, but are more so imposing how they desire the world to be rather than seeing and accepting it as it is. Not to mention, compared the the greater reality, any concepts amd ideas we generate will be greatly limited. The world is what it is despite what we think of it.

Thank you again for sharing your experience with us.

One love

 

[Palmer Eldritch]

Thanks for sharing, Void. I don't pretend to understand all the philosophy in your posts, but I definitely enjoyed reading them. Especially the beginning of the paradox post about frameworks or assumptions for knowing.

 

[Voidmatrix]

Thanks for sharing, Void. I don't pretend to understand all the philosophy in your posts, but I definitely enjoyed reading them. Especially the beginning of the paradox post about frameworks or assumptions for knowing.

I'm glad you enjoyed it that's what I was shooting and hoping for.

One love