elphologist1
Rising Star
I know it sounds like I'm just trying to be dramatic here, but honestly that is how I felt for a large portion of a spice trip last night which was the most intense and frightening drug experience I have ever had.
I have used spice several times before. While my first trip, where I had kept my eyes open, had been disconcerting, other trips were pleasant (although I had never had what you would call a “breakthrough”). I have been wanting to do spice again for a few weeks, but it seemed something always kept coming up. Last night as I was taking a shower, I was debating doing spice even though I had not planned to until Saturday. I decided that yes I would go ahead and try it. I didn't have to be to bed until midnight, so I had a few hours.
The clock said 9:36PM when I weighed out 40mg of spice and put it in a test tube. I heated this with a lighter, and inhaled with a straw. The first time I tried, I realized I had not gotten too much spice inhaled. I tried holding my breath in as long as I could, but the experience was not getting any more intense. I had mild visuals which were all over within a few minutes. I saw there was still some spice left in the test tube, so I heated it again and inhaled. This experience was even less intense.
Wanting a more intense experience, I weighed out 40mg more of spice and placed it in the same test tube. The clock said 9:57PM. I had planned to wait an hour to let any tolerance dissipate, but then I decided after a few minutes that I would go ahead and smoke right away, partly to see just how much of an effect tolerance had. I took a hit, but I could tell I had not gotten much. I started having mild visuals. I laid there about a minute experiencing the visuals, then decided this was not enough. Though I was still getting some mild visuals, I was able to heat the test tube again. I could see there was plenty of vapor this time, and when I inhaled a bit of smoke came out of my mouth. Good, I thought. I'm finally getting a decent hit. (In retrospect, judging by residue in the test tube, I'm guessing I inhaled between 40 and 50mg of spice between the two hits.) I could tell I was in for a pretty major trip, although it did not seem particularly intense at that point. I put down the test tube and lighter and laid back.
Apparently I blacked out shortly after that. When I came to, I was hurling through space, without any memory of having taken any drugs. I thought “Something has gone terribly wrong! Why am I hurling through space?” I had been killed I thought. There must have been a bomb or terrorist attack, and I had died. The explosion must have blown me out into space. But then all of a sudden, I was certain it was not just a small bomb. Whatever it was had certainly blown up the entire world, if not the entire universe. “There must have been some type of malfunction somewhere”, I thought. “Something went terribly wrong, and the whole universe was destroyed”. In front of me in space, I was getting intense visuals. The one I remember most was a grid, kind of like the grid on graph paper, only 3-dimensional. It had a color somewhere between yellow and orange (closer to orange). A grid would form in front of me in a flash, then quickly another grid would form at a slightly different angle. I was hurling through the grids. Then I kept hearing my thoughts in my head - “The universe has ended! Time no longer exists!”. I thought that somehow, the laws of physics weren't actually permanent after all, and they had all just changed. Then I had a vision where I saw a room full of scientists frantically analyzing data right before the universe was destroyed. The scientists knew a huge catastrophe was on the way and were frantically trying to understand what it was or how to stop it. As they were discussing the data among themselves, suddenly everyone realized what was happening. A black hole (I think) was getting ready to crash into the universe. There was nothing that could be done, not even time to warn anyone because it happened seconds later. I was hurling through space again. I was very sad that the universe was no more. I was thinking of my friends, who I would never see again. I wondered what they had been doing at the time when everything was destroyed. It seemed I could even maybe sense their presence, but they seemed far, far away (perhaps hurling through space somewhere else).
I'm not sure how long this went on – it seemed like forever, maybe it actually lasted a few minutes. But then for some reason (I think possibly I opened my eyes and was able to see something in my room that told me I wasn't in space), I got the idea again that maybe the whole universe had not been destroyed. Then I thought again that maybe I was the victim of some kind of bombing. Maybe a lot of people had been killed, and I was one of them, but rest of the universe had not been destroyed. Still everything seemed very weird. I knew I wasn't dreaming though. A thought crossed my mind - “Am I on drugs or something?”. At that instant, I seemed to remember having ingested (not smoked) some kind of drug. I realized what had happened. I had been experimenting with drugs, and had overdosed and died. I was very sad that I had died, because I still had lots of things I wanted to do in my life. I started to feel foolish for experimenting with drugs. I wondered what people would think of my having died this way. I imagined my funeral would be in a few days. I kept looking for God. I thought “If I'm dead, shouldn't God be here?” But I didn't see God or the devil or any other beings.
Then I began to hear a slow, rhythmic sound which my body seemed to be moving to. I kept hearing it. I realized it was my breathing! So if I could breathe, I must still be alive! I opened my eyes, and I could see my naked chest with all of its hair. It was moving up and down as I was breathing, and at the same time I could see my skin quivering. As I started to feel a bit more reassured, the visuals came back again and I was back in space. “I have to survive this.”, I told myself. I opened my eyes again. Now I could see a large US map that I have hanging on the wall on the other side of my room. The map looked very familiar, and I knew it was important, but I had no idea what it was. Gradually, I realized I was in my room. Now I thought I remembered having smoked something. But I couldn't think of what it was. I thought it was either “marijuana or salvia” (I've never actually smoked either). The word for DMT/spice would not come to me. But I seemed to remember that whatever it was, it doesn't last very long. I found my clock and it said the time was 10:23PM. But I remembered the 9:36PM from the first time I had smoked spice, not the later time. I knew it had been “an hour” and yet the effects were still going on. I couldn't remember how long exactly the effects were supposed to last though, so I thought I just had to keep waiting.
I looked at the floor and saw the test tube, cup, and lighter. So indeed, I had smoked something! However, then I thought I was imagining it. What had really happened was that I had either been in a bad accident or gone insane, and now I had amnesia. I was curious to find out what exactly had happened to me, and if I was expected to survive. But I knew I was in my own room, and no one was around. “Why am I not in a hospital?”, I thought.
By now, I could see the whole room fairly clearly. The room looked huge. At the far other end was a closed door. I knew I was not supposed to open that door, but couldn't remember why (I actually had the door closed so my cat would not disturb my spice trip). But the bathroom is attached to the bedroom, so I didn't have to open the door to go there. At that time, I remembered having just read that same evening a guy saying his dick didn't look like his own while under the influence of spice. The rest of my skin already looked weird to me, and I didn't want to see that, so I went to the bathroom without looking at my dick. On the way out however, I passed the mirror, and decided to look at myself. I was shocked to see that I didn't look strange at all! I looked at least like a human, maybe like myself! Then I remembered why the door was closed. I opened it and wandered into the kitchen and got a drink of cold water. I saw the clock in there said 10:31PM.
For the next hour, I paced around recalling my experiences to myself and trying to put them into words. I still felt very shook up, and I felt a deep sadness, like I had just suffered a big loss of some type. But I could think. I saw that my computer was turned off. I turned it on and went to Yahoo news. I half expected to see headlines about the end of the world having been narrowly averted. But, I just saw the same news I had seen earlier in the evening.
I knew I needed to get to bed by 12 since I had to work the next day. I knew this was not good timing – I wished I could stay up many more hours to think over the experience. I had never expected anything at all like that experience when I planned. I figured sleep would be a problem. I would either be afraid to go to sleep, or if I could sleep I would have nightmares. I thought of staying up later, but I realized eventually I would have to go to bed one way or another so I might as well do it now. I thought I would just lay there and review the experience in my mind. But surprisingly, I fell asleep without too much trouble, though I did keep waking up every couple hours (as sometimes happens when I have something on my mind at bedtime). Finally about a half hour before time to get up, I was laying in bed half asleep when I felt myself starting to dream about floating slowly (not rapidly as in the trip) through space. This scared me so much that I woke up immediately.
Today I find myself very thankful to be back in this world and alive, but still feeling a bit shook up. Concentration has been difficult, mainly because I keep going through these events in my mind, but I did get my work done at work. I startle easily. Much of the details and feelings from the trip itself have faded, much like a dream. The experience seems now like it was weeks ago. Mainly I recall things because I have kept going over them in my mind. Fortunately now I've written my thoughts down so I don't have to be concerned about forgetting any more of it.
I'm not sure when, or if, I'll ever want to use spice again. I'm thinking sometime I will, but not sure ever a breakthrough dose again. I'm not “turned off” to psychedelics in general – I would not be afraid to use say psilocybin or mescaline again (although not real soon). It just seems like I have a lot to integrate before I will want to go any further.
Your comments are welcome. I'm particularly interested in any insights anyone may have into my inner psychological workings based on my trip experience. I know I've read before that subjects sometimes interpret ego death as the entire universe being destroyed, but beyond that I'm not sure what it all means.
Thanks for reading.
elphologist
I have used spice several times before. While my first trip, where I had kept my eyes open, had been disconcerting, other trips were pleasant (although I had never had what you would call a “breakthrough”). I have been wanting to do spice again for a few weeks, but it seemed something always kept coming up. Last night as I was taking a shower, I was debating doing spice even though I had not planned to until Saturday. I decided that yes I would go ahead and try it. I didn't have to be to bed until midnight, so I had a few hours.
The clock said 9:36PM when I weighed out 40mg of spice and put it in a test tube. I heated this with a lighter, and inhaled with a straw. The first time I tried, I realized I had not gotten too much spice inhaled. I tried holding my breath in as long as I could, but the experience was not getting any more intense. I had mild visuals which were all over within a few minutes. I saw there was still some spice left in the test tube, so I heated it again and inhaled. This experience was even less intense.
Wanting a more intense experience, I weighed out 40mg more of spice and placed it in the same test tube. The clock said 9:57PM. I had planned to wait an hour to let any tolerance dissipate, but then I decided after a few minutes that I would go ahead and smoke right away, partly to see just how much of an effect tolerance had. I took a hit, but I could tell I had not gotten much. I started having mild visuals. I laid there about a minute experiencing the visuals, then decided this was not enough. Though I was still getting some mild visuals, I was able to heat the test tube again. I could see there was plenty of vapor this time, and when I inhaled a bit of smoke came out of my mouth. Good, I thought. I'm finally getting a decent hit. (In retrospect, judging by residue in the test tube, I'm guessing I inhaled between 40 and 50mg of spice between the two hits.) I could tell I was in for a pretty major trip, although it did not seem particularly intense at that point. I put down the test tube and lighter and laid back.
Apparently I blacked out shortly after that. When I came to, I was hurling through space, without any memory of having taken any drugs. I thought “Something has gone terribly wrong! Why am I hurling through space?” I had been killed I thought. There must have been a bomb or terrorist attack, and I had died. The explosion must have blown me out into space. But then all of a sudden, I was certain it was not just a small bomb. Whatever it was had certainly blown up the entire world, if not the entire universe. “There must have been some type of malfunction somewhere”, I thought. “Something went terribly wrong, and the whole universe was destroyed”. In front of me in space, I was getting intense visuals. The one I remember most was a grid, kind of like the grid on graph paper, only 3-dimensional. It had a color somewhere between yellow and orange (closer to orange). A grid would form in front of me in a flash, then quickly another grid would form at a slightly different angle. I was hurling through the grids. Then I kept hearing my thoughts in my head - “The universe has ended! Time no longer exists!”. I thought that somehow, the laws of physics weren't actually permanent after all, and they had all just changed. Then I had a vision where I saw a room full of scientists frantically analyzing data right before the universe was destroyed. The scientists knew a huge catastrophe was on the way and were frantically trying to understand what it was or how to stop it. As they were discussing the data among themselves, suddenly everyone realized what was happening. A black hole (I think) was getting ready to crash into the universe. There was nothing that could be done, not even time to warn anyone because it happened seconds later. I was hurling through space again. I was very sad that the universe was no more. I was thinking of my friends, who I would never see again. I wondered what they had been doing at the time when everything was destroyed. It seemed I could even maybe sense their presence, but they seemed far, far away (perhaps hurling through space somewhere else).
I'm not sure how long this went on – it seemed like forever, maybe it actually lasted a few minutes. But then for some reason (I think possibly I opened my eyes and was able to see something in my room that told me I wasn't in space), I got the idea again that maybe the whole universe had not been destroyed. Then I thought again that maybe I was the victim of some kind of bombing. Maybe a lot of people had been killed, and I was one of them, but rest of the universe had not been destroyed. Still everything seemed very weird. I knew I wasn't dreaming though. A thought crossed my mind - “Am I on drugs or something?”. At that instant, I seemed to remember having ingested (not smoked) some kind of drug. I realized what had happened. I had been experimenting with drugs, and had overdosed and died. I was very sad that I had died, because I still had lots of things I wanted to do in my life. I started to feel foolish for experimenting with drugs. I wondered what people would think of my having died this way. I imagined my funeral would be in a few days. I kept looking for God. I thought “If I'm dead, shouldn't God be here?” But I didn't see God or the devil or any other beings.
Then I began to hear a slow, rhythmic sound which my body seemed to be moving to. I kept hearing it. I realized it was my breathing! So if I could breathe, I must still be alive! I opened my eyes, and I could see my naked chest with all of its hair. It was moving up and down as I was breathing, and at the same time I could see my skin quivering. As I started to feel a bit more reassured, the visuals came back again and I was back in space. “I have to survive this.”, I told myself. I opened my eyes again. Now I could see a large US map that I have hanging on the wall on the other side of my room. The map looked very familiar, and I knew it was important, but I had no idea what it was. Gradually, I realized I was in my room. Now I thought I remembered having smoked something. But I couldn't think of what it was. I thought it was either “marijuana or salvia” (I've never actually smoked either). The word for DMT/spice would not come to me. But I seemed to remember that whatever it was, it doesn't last very long. I found my clock and it said the time was 10:23PM. But I remembered the 9:36PM from the first time I had smoked spice, not the later time. I knew it had been “an hour” and yet the effects were still going on. I couldn't remember how long exactly the effects were supposed to last though, so I thought I just had to keep waiting.
I looked at the floor and saw the test tube, cup, and lighter. So indeed, I had smoked something! However, then I thought I was imagining it. What had really happened was that I had either been in a bad accident or gone insane, and now I had amnesia. I was curious to find out what exactly had happened to me, and if I was expected to survive. But I knew I was in my own room, and no one was around. “Why am I not in a hospital?”, I thought.
By now, I could see the whole room fairly clearly. The room looked huge. At the far other end was a closed door. I knew I was not supposed to open that door, but couldn't remember why (I actually had the door closed so my cat would not disturb my spice trip). But the bathroom is attached to the bedroom, so I didn't have to open the door to go there. At that time, I remembered having just read that same evening a guy saying his dick didn't look like his own while under the influence of spice. The rest of my skin already looked weird to me, and I didn't want to see that, so I went to the bathroom without looking at my dick. On the way out however, I passed the mirror, and decided to look at myself. I was shocked to see that I didn't look strange at all! I looked at least like a human, maybe like myself! Then I remembered why the door was closed. I opened it and wandered into the kitchen and got a drink of cold water. I saw the clock in there said 10:31PM.
For the next hour, I paced around recalling my experiences to myself and trying to put them into words. I still felt very shook up, and I felt a deep sadness, like I had just suffered a big loss of some type. But I could think. I saw that my computer was turned off. I turned it on and went to Yahoo news. I half expected to see headlines about the end of the world having been narrowly averted. But, I just saw the same news I had seen earlier in the evening.
I knew I needed to get to bed by 12 since I had to work the next day. I knew this was not good timing – I wished I could stay up many more hours to think over the experience. I had never expected anything at all like that experience when I planned. I figured sleep would be a problem. I would either be afraid to go to sleep, or if I could sleep I would have nightmares. I thought of staying up later, but I realized eventually I would have to go to bed one way or another so I might as well do it now. I thought I would just lay there and review the experience in my mind. But surprisingly, I fell asleep without too much trouble, though I did keep waking up every couple hours (as sometimes happens when I have something on my mind at bedtime). Finally about a half hour before time to get up, I was laying in bed half asleep when I felt myself starting to dream about floating slowly (not rapidly as in the trip) through space. This scared me so much that I woke up immediately.
Today I find myself very thankful to be back in this world and alive, but still feeling a bit shook up. Concentration has been difficult, mainly because I keep going through these events in my mind, but I did get my work done at work. I startle easily. Much of the details and feelings from the trip itself have faded, much like a dream. The experience seems now like it was weeks ago. Mainly I recall things because I have kept going over them in my mind. Fortunately now I've written my thoughts down so I don't have to be concerned about forgetting any more of it.
I'm not sure when, or if, I'll ever want to use spice again. I'm thinking sometime I will, but not sure ever a breakthrough dose again. I'm not “turned off” to psychedelics in general – I would not be afraid to use say psilocybin or mescaline again (although not real soon). It just seems like I have a lot to integrate before I will want to go any further.
Your comments are welcome. I'm particularly interested in any insights anyone may have into my inner psychological workings based on my trip experience. I know I've read before that subjects sometimes interpret ego death as the entire universe being destroyed, but beyond that I'm not sure what it all means.
Thanks for reading.
elphologist
