I'm not worthy enough yet, cannot let go

[TrustLoveMan]

In my newest experience with mother earth, I noticed that I was focused on my heartbeat and that makes my breathing turn voluntary. If I were able to just let go, relax and let my body run itself, then I could forgot about it and venture into my mind.
I've been going in without music or light. I have my smoking technique DOWN, but I can't bring myself to hold in that smoke in the beginning. No matter how many times I come back to this place it always precedes with a weirdness that makes me take a step back in my mind. I stop myself from getting enough smoke. Even when I start to break through later and I can feel the wave pushing me through, every breath drags me down.
I remember in the middle of trip I started to lock-in on my brain's ambient buzzing. It got really loud and I felt time slow down and I started to blast away. But the heavy breathing brought me back to the visuals and steady thought.
I felt unworthy. I was not scared but I felt like my mind was a scared little kid. It doesn't want to see inside itself. I felt weak in that I could want something so bad, but my body is fighting against me. My ego is preventing it's own destruction. I want to try again but I think I need to meditate and try and to lose my body for awhile. I don't want to go about this the wrong way. I don't want my first true glimpse to be forced. I want to be LET in.
Any tips on how I can learn to let go would be very appreciated.

 

[hyperspacing]

I will also get the thought "am I breathing" and get taken out a little. I've noticed the more I try and concentrate the less happens . But when you truly blast off and your ego dissolves it can be as if you no longer have a body. At this point it can get scary. Some think they are dead and some freak out. But if your mind can handle it anything can happen. But if you go far enough from what I've seen there's no body to worry about. Lol

 

[gibran2]

...I don't want to go about this the wrong way. I don't want my first true glimpse to be forced. I want to be LET in.
Any tips on how I can learn to let go would be very appreciated.

Two words: SLOW DOWN

This isn’t a contest or a race. And diving in multiple times a day every day gives you no opportunity for integration. You say you don’t want your first true glimpse to be forced. I believe that your first true glimpse can’t be forced.

S….L….O….W……..D….O….W….N

 

[RigelL]

Mannnnn...
I have been reading your posts in your last topic and i just wanna give you my opinion...
You are trying too hard and you are not respecting enough.
You wanna just storm in and be shown whatever you wanna be shown with what seems to me like a childish way to act. Little birds have to learn how to stand before they learn how to fly!
Respect and Time are for me the key words.

 

[Big Inhale]

But if you go far enough from what I've seen there's no body to worry about. Lol

Exactly. You shouldnt have a body to focus on. You shouldnt be concentrating on any thing just have your brain like a blank chalk board and let the spice fill it in.

 

[TrustLoveMan]

...I don't want to go about this the wrong way. I don't want my first true glimpse to be forced. I want to be LET in.
Any tips on how I can learn to let go would be very appreciated.

Two words: SLOW DOWN

This isn’t a contest or a race. And diving in multiple times a day every day gives you no opportunity for integration. You say you don’t want your first true glimpse to be forced. I believe that your first true glimpse can’t be forced.

S….L….O….W……..D….O….W….N

I will stop for a couple days to re-evaluate. I will also no longer re-dose after smoking a sufficient amount. I promise to start treating DMT with the respect it deserves.

You shouldnt be concentrating on any thing just have your brain like a blank chalk board and let the spice fill it in.

I've gotten this advice before and I will meditate beforehand and try to be as blank as possible.

 

[physics envy]

TLM - have you tried any enhanced leaf or changa yet? For SWIM, it calms down the rush quite a bit and it may make it easier for you to get in the amount you need before getting anxious. Many on here suggest doing a 1/2 dose to settle the nerves, then a full dose when relaxed and comfortable a couple minutes later. SWIM sometimes has trouble getting enough in quickly with this method, but he doesn't use a bong which seems to be the preferred method with changa/enhanced leaf.

Continued good luck!

 

[TrustLoveMan]

Caapi leafs are pretty expensive. What ratio of leaf to DMT to I need?
Also, I really like using herb. I think it calms me down a lot and it makes me smile and have a fun trip. I used it today but only a little and it was after waking up so the DMT hit me first. I don't think it dulls the trip but it is very dry and it might be burning the DMT. I might go for a mix of weed and mullein leaf.

 

[gammagore]

Caapi leafs are pretty expensive. What ratio of leaf to DMT to I need?
Also, I really like using herb. I think it calms me down a lot and it makes me smile and have a fun trip. I used it today but only a little and it was after waking up so the DMT hit me first. I don't think it dulls the trip but it is very dry and it might be burning the DMT. I might go for a mix of weed and mullein leaf.

Caapi leaves are cheap, IMO.

1:1 ratio all the way. With changa there is no need to get in as much as possible in a short time, load up a small bowl, pull it, reload with some more, pull it, carry on like this adding a little more each time. When you feel comfortable with it, then you can load up the big cone.

You gotta let go, just surrender yourself.

All the best

 

[physics envy]

TLM - SWIM tried straight spice last night rather than changa for the first time in a while, and cut out the cannabis as well. Well...nausea returned to him So SWIM will continue using as light a dose of cannabis as possible before launching until another herb is found to work in the same way. SWIM has a great relationship with cannabis, and doesn't *think* it dulls the trip. However, it may affect his recall! He generally does the cannabis BEFORE spice because cannabis creates a lot of smoke, and made it more difficult for him to get big hits of spice. Many times SWIM does cannabis, then a bowl of caapi leaf (or both together), then the spice.

In addition to standard changa (caapi+spice), you will find many people swear by Electric Sheep and Golden Temporal. Some say they never found LOVE with straight spice, but found it with one of those mixtures. SWIM found it with Electric Sheep (Blue Lotus + Calea) and the Love made him GUSH tears!

From your posts, I would guess you would enjoy changa/enhanced leaf immensely! Check the Changa section for recipes...

Good luck and good travels!

 

[obliguhl]

I can tell you, that pushing it isn't gonna work with this stuff, it doesn't matter how much you smoke. The problem of yours is very familiar to me. Very often, a voice would say to me: "It's enough, just lay the pipe down!" while another voice is telling me to continue smoking. I guess its a battle between the ego and the subconscious/Hyperspace/otherworld. But even if you got a huge dose you won't be granted access if you don't get IT.

You have to get IT.

 

[TrustLoveMan]

I'm definitely interested in Caapi Leaf. I didn't realize you only needed mg's of the leaf to get it's effects. I've tried both Blue Lotus and Calea by themselves and with marijuana. I find Blue Lotus is calming but expensive. I didn't like the taste of Calea at all. I smoked some spliffs of Calea and it left a bad taste in my mouth. I didn't see any effects on my dreams either. I'm going to by 100g soon and hopefully that will give me the push I need.

*EDIT*
I found some Caapi leaf that supposedly "from Terence McKenna's farm in Hawaii". They also offer shredded Caapi vine. I've heard of people infusing Caapi vine beforehand. Is this neccessary? If not, you think it's worth a shot to make the changa stronger?