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I'm Terrified

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Y

Yeuph

Rising Star
Boy oh boy was I wrong.

I'm pretty experienced with psychedelics - particularly lsd and related compounds often at very high dosages (2000ug+)- but I've had some mushrooms along the way as well. I suppose I thought that since I was such an expert (cough) with tripping that spice would be just a step higher - or even if it was a lot higher that I would be able to handle it.

Well I managed to try it the other day, very small amounts at first. No real effects auditory or otherwise other than a passing sense of well-being fairly reminiscent of an opiate. I thought "OK, well this is fine - lets vape a big hit".

rip me

I didn't even breakthrough but the effects were so stunningly overpowering... words... Yeah, there aren't any. Anyway I lost the ability to control my body (struggling I could wiggle and arm or something) and keeping my eyes open was arduous. This was not an LSD or mushroom trip I was looking into. This was something completely new and alien. I felt like my mind and body were being ripped apart and my "soul" (im not even religious ffs) was being pulled away to something else that had nothing to do with anything here. I knew that if I let my eyes closed that I was going to "fall in" to whatever was pulling my consciousness with such force.

So yeah - I fought it and fought it. Finally I broke free. Terrified; although absolutely amazed. I put the spice down for that night.

One of the problems I had was that I knew I was dying somehow. I just wanted a trip sitter there (something I haven't relied on for a decade) to make me feel more comfortable. I made plans with my best friend for this weekend.

Well I just have to know how deep this rabbit hole goes. I couldn't sit here and look at my vapor genie any longer without trying it again. I was ready this time - I knew this time that I couldn't be ready - so that made me ready. I took another big hit and I thought I was ok this time. I closed my eyes waiting for it to take me away and then that indescribable feeling of "my soul" being ripped away and dragged towards this "portal" came back and I remembered my terror - and it returned with full force.

So guys I'm ok with the terror (genuinely, I am). What I'm not ok with is letting it stop me from breaking through. My body stops being usable when I get to this level of intoxication yet I suspect that even with eyes fully closed and complete submission to the experience that I wouldn't break through. How can I increase my dose high enough that I can't resist or fight the spice anymore; or at least enough that fighting it is irrelevant as it is going to take me where its going to take me either way?

I don't have a scale however I have an exact amount and I know the quantity. Dividing it into equal parts gives me an accurate-enough tool for dosing. I've probably had about 80mgs in my vape at once - wasted half of it by sucking on my pipe too hard and introducing my tongue to spice and I wasn't able to smoke the remaining in one toke. I would estimate that my largest dose has probably been near 25mgs; although I was aiming for more.

Suggestions guys? Gals?
 
Many recommend having sucha a large dose, that you can not fight and have no option but to give in.

25mgs if vaped properly, should give you the benefit of not being in control anymore.

But since you are starting and probably have yet to master vaping technique, I'd suggest try 30-35mg, but with sitter, who can help you vape and remind to take 2nd and 3rd tokes if needed.

> Dividing it into equal parts gives me an accurate-enough tool for dosing.
Oh boy, don't make this mistake, buy yourself some decent 0.001g precision scales.
I don't know how uniform is your spice, but in my extractions it varied. Some little but slightly gooey chunks used to be 2-3 times heavier than visually bigger pile of fluffy crystals, so if you just divide it by eye, you might be in for a surprise, since for example 30mg and 40mg trips might be very very different on a scale.

Btw 80mg freebase vaped fully will most likely have you black out and not remember anything.
 
Yea spice isn’t to be taken lightly lol.. sometimes its all good and sometimes it feels like you’ve made the ultimate mistake.. only comparison I’ve found was ol sally D.
 
pete666 said:
Is your intent to use it as an entheogen or as a recreational drug?
Click to expand...

I use psychedelics as both but lead heavily towards entheogen. My intent with spice is simply "I have to know". Whatever comes of that comes of it. I just have to know.
 
Exitwound said:
Many recommend having sucha a large dose, that you can not fight and have no option but to give in.

25mgs if vaped properly, should give you the benefit of not being in control anymore.

But since you are starting and probably have yet to master vaping technique, I'd suggest try 30-35mg, but with sitter, who can help you vape and remind to take 2nd and 3rd tokes if needed.
Click to expand...

I'm fairly certain I'd refuse anyone trying to give me a second hit when I'm terrified. I will have a measuring device very soon and I think I've got the hang of the vape pretty well at this point. I'm just gonna have to get it in one hit.
 
If you have the classic wooden vg ..honestly that pipe I never cared for, a subpar pipe ime. The glass vapor genie though was/is a popular one here, mainly because of it's efficacy, especially when used with one of those small ceramic flavor discs plopped in there.

Either the glass vapor genie or a small glass bubbler, or small glass bong. Load up 30-40mg dmt and learn to smoke the whole entire dose in one hit. If you can't take the whole dose in one hit - learn to. .

Just be careful in those depths with that sort of method. The experience can take you well beyond any conceivable imagining/s of what you thought to be possible or what you might have thought the experience to be.

And the advice about the mg scale. The cheap ones work well enough for what you're wanting to do. Can you afford $20-$30? That's about how much they are. A wise investment especially with the method I mentioned above; you don't want to mess around with that method any other way tbh.

Milligrams, regardless of eyeballing, is tough with dmt, even if the pile looks similar ..that necessarily doesn't mean much. A few small trace crumbs of dmt freebase plopped onto the scale can make the scale shoot up more than we think.

all the best
 
For dealing with the fear, spend a good amount of time meditating beforehand. You don't have to even properly meditate, as long as you sit in silence and contemplate about what you are about to do. I always get nerves before i smoalk. If i'm nervous or scared, i can't breathe all the way. One suggestion: BREATHE! I practice my breathing exercises for atleast 30 minutes before i dive in for the first round. Subsequent rounds don't need it, since i'm already sorta up there. That's how i know i'm ready, when my breathing becomes relaxed, even with the pipe and lighter ready to go in my hand. If my breathing is deep and relaxed, that helps with the fear immensely. And is probably the most important factor with the physical act of smoalking it ALL in, and keeping it in as long as i can. I've facilitated people that take baby breaths, and only hold it in for a second. And i can see it's because their body is all locked up and tense from fear.

It also helps to "know" that there is nothing to be afraid of. I kept on telling myself that when i'm sober. Somehow, i'm able to tap into that mantra when i'm off the deep end, and i surrender completely to the spice.
 
Yeuph said:
pete666 said:
Is your intent to use it as an entheogen or as a recreational drug?
Click to expand...

I use psychedelics as both but lead heavily towards entheogen. My intent with spice is simply "I have to know". Whatever comes of that comes of it. I just have to know.
Click to expand...

If I wanted to use dmt as a recreational drug (discouraged) and had problems with disconnecting the ego, I might introduce some ketamine to help with this problem. Few ketamine experiences would have to precede the dmt, to get familiar with its effects. I wouldn't use ketamine at k-hole doses though, something about 0.35mg/kg nasal. For some people ketamine is not very pleasant when taken alone, so in that case mdma can be thrown into the mix. It makes the ketamine another story, increases the probability of positive experience and helps to get rid of the anxiety.
But please beware of the fact this works just for occasional visits, let's say few times a year when there are no other drugs in use.

If I was after dmt as an entheogen(strongly suggested) or even medicine, I would first ask myself or any other available inner authority for allowance to enter. It can be done by whatever technique is at hand - prayer, meditation, ....
Then I would accept the experience may be (and sometimes will be) unpleasant. Sometimes horrible. But ALWAYS beneficial. Every experience is a message. If we understand it, we don't care whether the experience was pleasant or not.
The longer the experience is, the better. Definitely go for another ROAs than smoking/vaping. Both for the problem with ego(loss) and depth of the insight.
 
Exitwound said:
> Dividing it into equal parts gives me an accurate-enough tool for dosing.
Oh boy, don't make this mistake, buy yourself some decent 0.001g precision scales.
I don't know how uniform is your spice, but in my extractions it varied. Some little but slightly gooey chunks used to be 2-3 times heavier than visually bigger pile of fluffy crystals, so if you just divide it by eye, you might be in for a surprise, since for example 30mg and 40mg trips might be very very different on a scale.
Click to expand...

This is exactly what happened to me on my third time smoking freebase. I was using a method I saw on a video which allows you to take a large hit in one quick hit. As soon as I had inhaled it I knew right away that I had taken a much, much larger dose than previously. Within seconds I was in a strange alien world desperately trying to get back to the safety of the sofa from whence I had come. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get back. Most of the experience I can't remember but I do remember at the end being inside this massive moving torus field with a being in the middle of it who was creating it. Very incredible and terrifying at the same time. Took me a while to build up the courage to smoke any again after that and lesson learnt, I will never smoke now without weighing it out first.
 
OK well, got my scale today.

I'm tired af today (did snow removal for a longggg time on no sleep) - but tomorrow. Tomorrow I'm gonna slam-dunk 45mgs in my vape. I'm genuinely terrified. I also know that the experience itself could be far more terrifying than anything I've seen so far. Regardless, I'm gonna go swim in the deep end of the pool. Wish me luck!
 
Yeuph said:
Tomorrow I'm gonna slam-dunk 45mgs in my vape. I'm genuinely terrified. I also know that the experience itself could be far more terrifying than anything I've seen so far. Regardless, I'm gonna go swim in the deep end of the pool. Wish me luck!
Click to expand...

Attaboy! :thumb_up:

I think it's pretty cool you are keeping at it! Please let us know how your experience went. I am optimistic and predict you have a wonderful experience this time.

Good luck!
 
Got my pipe ready to light...


but every time I want to light it, my heart starts racing and my breath gets so short and shallow, that I can't even hold it in.

So, I set the pipe back down and go back to relaxing and chilling.
Had several attempts now and think I will postpone until tomorrow :)
 
DmnStr8 said:
Well.... we are waiting with anticipation..... what happened? :?:
Click to expand...

I didn't quite breakthrough - though I intended to. I still ended up, pffft... Man, I dunno. I was just in this place with these shapes falling into me or something, really stupidly hard to explain.

I had a pretty amazing time but I didn't *quite* breakthrough - far and away the furthest I've gone though. I shed off whatever emotional baggage that was causing me fear and just let it take me away. I had to meditate before hand - which just involved me sitting with my pipe and eventually I felt I was ready to just let go and see where it took me.

Yeah man - Its hard to describe but the patterns and the way they moved and how I was moving with them or something. Really fucking incredible.

No reports of talking elves or anything from me yet though!
 
Maxtraxx said:
Got my pipe ready to light...


but every time I want to light it, my heart starts racing and my breath gets so short and shallow, that I can't even hold it in.

So, I set the pipe back down and go back to relaxing and chilling.
Had several attempts now and think I will postpone until tomorrow :)
Click to expand...

Yeah, that perfectly describes how I felt and even what I was doing - sitting with my pipe like "Yep, you're gonna do it... You're gonna do it, anytime now..." Somehow an hour would go past and I wasn't able to convince myself.

It's a very wonderful experience if you let it happen. That's at least what I found after my first high dose.

I think I'll go back tomorrow and see if I can't go further.
 
Yeuph said:
Yeah, that perfectly describes how I felt and even what I was doing - sitting with my pipe like "Yep, you're gonna do it... You're gonna do it, anytime now..." Somehow an hour would go past and I wasn't able to convince myself.

It's a very wonderful experience if you let it happen. That's at least what I found after my first high dose.

I think I'll go back tomorrow and see if I can't go further.
Click to expand...

Last week, I had about 25-30mg FB in the pipe. It was around 8pm and my friend and I were sitting by a camp fire. I had taken 30ug Lucy around noon and was coasting on a very light acid wave.

My friend went twice: after the first one, he reported "cartoonish jokers making faces at him." After the second one, he said he had gone "somewhere" but didn't remember anything. He said his brain had "rebooted and reset."

When I went, I closed my eyes and held my breath for about 25-30 seconds. At that point, my limbs became super heavy and every fiber in my body relaxed completely. I sank into the chair and into myself and felt like I kept sinking further and further until my body lost all tension and cohesion and disappeared.

At first, the geometry was like an Imax screen in front of me and around me. Blue-green-yellow-orange shapes arranged in ever increasing orbits around me on a backdrop of utter blackness, rotating slowly around me and my central axis, or center. When my body dissolved, the geometry penetrated me, went trough me, and my subjective perspective disappeared. I was no longer in the center of the spectacle, but instead, I was part of the spectacle, drenched and suffused by the geometry, without anchor and orientation.

Suddenly, I was panicking. I shot up from my chair with my eyes open. Although it was a dark and moonless night, I could see everything: the trees, the fields, the fire ring, the flames, the buildings half a mile away. I saw everything, even the very air, the very molecules of everything, and the spaces between. My mind was crystal clear, hyper aware and hyper awake. And I was panicking!

Although the feeling I had was of utter well-being, of strength and health and inner peace and meaning, and divine purity, I thought that I had blown a fuse, ruptured my sanity, irreparably and forever. I panicked because I thought I would never be able to sleep again, never be able to eat again, and never be able to lead a normal life again. I paced back and forth and brought my hands down on a table behind the fire ring. My hands looked like molten, flowing lava, igniting the very air around them. I took deep breaths, one, two, and...remembered what I had researched, what I had read, that DMT is short-acting and will be metabolized in a few minutes.

That broke my panic. I immediately felt like tons of weight had fallen off of me and I could breathe again and straighten my head again. I was so relieved and grateful that all I could do was sit back down and ride it out. I just sat there, breathing, holding on, waiting for the ride to end. It was powerful.

To me, that was definitely a 'breakthrough'! It may not have been a 'breakthrough' in the proper sense, but "WOW!" That was a truckload on its own. And I was thinking...

"what does a 45mg 'breakthrough' feel and look like?
I am not sure if I could take that!"

So, my heart races etc., just thinking about it.
And when I take the pipe, I can barely hold it!
I'll try again tomorrow :)
 
Hi.

As Im experiencing same kind of stuff, I would advise to handle with care. With respect, with intention set...

Must admit that sounds fricking cool journey You had something to tell back at home :)
 
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