ControlledChaos
Nature is analog, ever flowing and continuous.
The experience I'm about to detail actually happened a couple years ago. Due to the chaotic nature of my life and relationship at the time, I didn't really get the chance to make a post about it despite it being one of the most meaningful psychedelic experiences that I personally have been through. Now that my life has settled down a bit and I'm in a better place, I figured it was time to share this experience with you all. I think it contained some of the more interesting ideas I have encountered on Ayahuasca and was extremely intense at the peak. It also had the most solid setting I've done this in, which gave me space to have this sort of higher level trip. So without further ado, I'll get into the story.
In the summer of 2024, my life was a mess. I was attempting to coexist with a partner whose mental health struggles were really coming to a head, and there really wasn't much l could do to stop it. On top of it, I was in a shaky living situation with her rooming with a friend, while I was roughing it out in some mildly crazy lady's private "farm" doing 20 hours per week of garden work in exchange to live in a literal tent cabin.
Incidentally, this lady also happened to have an Ayahuasca vine growing on her tree. Yellow Caapi, the good stuff. When I asked her about it, she said that she saw it as a weed and planned on eventually putting it to compost. Now, I found it a bit of a shame to just let a perfectly good Aya vine go to waste and so one night, I climbed the tree and took a generous clipping that would be enough for a brew. I already knew where to find acacia growing wild, so the rest was just collecting that and finding a good day to process the materials and make the brew.
Soon enough, it was all together. I took a large pot and threw my shredded ingredients from both plants into it, and let my butane burner do the rest. I actually put a fair amount of preparation and intention into this brew, listening to Terrence McKenna talks, Alan Watts, icaros, and spiritual music as I prepared it with the intention for mother Ayahuasca to teach me and give me clarity during this tough time in my life.
I have no idea the exact amount of Caapi or Acacia I put into that pot, but this stuff was very strong. It was also the first time I had personally made a brew of my own with Caapi, and also the first time I had experienced a brew with both Caapi and Acacia.
I wish I could detail the entire trip leading up the peak and exactly how I dosed it, but I know that at some point that night I must have received a very stiff dose that I really underestimated. What followed was one of the most intense experiences of my entire life. I will attempt to describe it.
When it really began kicking in hard, I had Ayahuasca icaros playing on my phone. I will say that I definitely understand their purpose after the effect they had on this experience. Without getting too sidetracked I'll say that the singing of that shaman in my phone was a constant, steady reminder that everything is fine as I was being brought through this harrowing, revelatory experience. It also was reflective of the steady pulse of life I was realizing during the experience itself.
The best way to describe it, is that this time the medicine really didn't hold back at all. Mother Ayahuasca intended to force a revelation whether I liked it or not. I don't remember a lot visually, but I know whatever it was, was beyond intense. It was sort of pushing my consciousness into a corner, squeezing it so hard that the meaning of life felt completely apparent in all of its intense, constant glory.
It was like I was being pushed towards this critical point during the experience. A point of seeing my life for what it is, seeing me for who I am. That this life is a story, my story. It's my quest. That I need to be strong and step up to my quest.... Not through overworking for the sake of hard work, but through a steady balance of mindful effort without strain, and resting when necessary. The way of life the medicine was trying to get across is a lot like "Wu Wei" in Taoism, meaning effortless action. Like for instance, when you take a shower you use enough soap to clean yourself but not so much that it is harsh on your skin. That's a small example, but a good one of the sort of "steady, mindful" way of life the medicine was showing me.
Now this might sound like a chill time of being taught how to live a long, sustainable, holistic life.... But really it wasn't. I was purging violently, repeatedly, and the trip wasn't getting any less intense with these purges... It was overwhelming and extremely uncomfortable. Sensory experience turned up to the highest volume possible and amplified. I actually think the intensity level itself was a lesson.
For example at one point during this experience I was laying down, barely able to move, feeling like I couldn't breathe. I was genuinely struggling to catch a breath. Then, the trip sort of showed me that scene from Kill Bill where Beatrix aggressively palm-striked her way out of a coffin she was buried alive in, and I began trying to sit up and cough the shit out that was making it hard to breathe as I drank lots of water. It took a lot of effort, and I felt much better after. I think the lesson was that sometimes an overwhelming display of effort is needed when the circumstances grow dire enough; a proactive message indeed from the Ayahuasca.
I have a really hard time describing the actual physical/mental ordeal at this time, but I've described it as feeling like I was "hatching out of the cosmic egg". It felt like some kind of psychedelic rebirth. My life really was flashing before my eyes, I felt reduced to myself as a small child, I felt the essence of myself and my life and my story. And as it got closer and closer to the peak, it felt almost celebratory, like the entire world was hooting and hollering to commend the fact that I had finally realized all this vital wisdom about life and was then ready to go out into the world and apply it.
But the celebratory mood was more the trip itself..... I was actually rather overwhelmed and perturbed and wanted all this to be over. The "entities" voicing through my thoughts were conscious of this but also made it clear that I knew what I was getting myself into and they were gonna teach me that big lesson no matter how many times I vomited and felt on the verge of dying. They did sort of try to guide me, as a rapid succession of "inner" dialogue told me exactly how much water to drink, how much to purge, how to lay down, and basically walked me through making it through this ordeal even as they were actively dragging me through the ringer.
As brutal as the mother can be, she also is fond of happy endings. And so, after all of that; the cosmic egg, feeling reborn, the self-conscious tightrope, realizing the holistic way to live, violent purging, and being coached by entities through a psychosomatic gauntlet of enlightenment- they finally dropped the big message..... And that message involved SpongeBob SquarePants. Now, describing it indirectly don't do it justice, so I'm just gonna tell you their direct quote:
And you know.... It makes sense. Spongebob is just an ordinary joe, a fry cook. And yet his boundless optimism, reliability, and curiousity allows his life to go places that are anything but ordinary. Why? Because he still has a sense of wonder and hasn't let the more bitter realities of existence weigh him down. He gets up, he's ready, and through it all he still has.....
And that's the message I think I'm gonna leave this off on. I think that sort of speaks for itself. I could get into the harrowing physical ordeal or mental sensitivity I was going through, but this is the essence. And it really stuck with me even 2 years later.
On a funny side note, my ex was there witnessing me going through all of this. She definitely wasn't in the space herself so she basically just thought I was losing it and violently vomiting all night. I vividly remember her repeatedly saying "wash yourself" over and over and over because i puked on my clothes and I just tuned it out because I was so intensely pulled in by the experience.
There's probably more I could share about this, but I think I did it justice.
As always, I hope you enjoyed reading. This is one I've been wanting to write for awhile.
In the summer of 2024, my life was a mess. I was attempting to coexist with a partner whose mental health struggles were really coming to a head, and there really wasn't much l could do to stop it. On top of it, I was in a shaky living situation with her rooming with a friend, while I was roughing it out in some mildly crazy lady's private "farm" doing 20 hours per week of garden work in exchange to live in a literal tent cabin.
Incidentally, this lady also happened to have an Ayahuasca vine growing on her tree. Yellow Caapi, the good stuff. When I asked her about it, she said that she saw it as a weed and planned on eventually putting it to compost. Now, I found it a bit of a shame to just let a perfectly good Aya vine go to waste and so one night, I climbed the tree and took a generous clipping that would be enough for a brew. I already knew where to find acacia growing wild, so the rest was just collecting that and finding a good day to process the materials and make the brew.
Soon enough, it was all together. I took a large pot and threw my shredded ingredients from both plants into it, and let my butane burner do the rest. I actually put a fair amount of preparation and intention into this brew, listening to Terrence McKenna talks, Alan Watts, icaros, and spiritual music as I prepared it with the intention for mother Ayahuasca to teach me and give me clarity during this tough time in my life.
I have no idea the exact amount of Caapi or Acacia I put into that pot, but this stuff was very strong. It was also the first time I had personally made a brew of my own with Caapi, and also the first time I had experienced a brew with both Caapi and Acacia.
I wish I could detail the entire trip leading up the peak and exactly how I dosed it, but I know that at some point that night I must have received a very stiff dose that I really underestimated. What followed was one of the most intense experiences of my entire life. I will attempt to describe it.
When it really began kicking in hard, I had Ayahuasca icaros playing on my phone. I will say that I definitely understand their purpose after the effect they had on this experience. Without getting too sidetracked I'll say that the singing of that shaman in my phone was a constant, steady reminder that everything is fine as I was being brought through this harrowing, revelatory experience. It also was reflective of the steady pulse of life I was realizing during the experience itself.
The best way to describe it, is that this time the medicine really didn't hold back at all. Mother Ayahuasca intended to force a revelation whether I liked it or not. I don't remember a lot visually, but I know whatever it was, was beyond intense. It was sort of pushing my consciousness into a corner, squeezing it so hard that the meaning of life felt completely apparent in all of its intense, constant glory.
It was like I was being pushed towards this critical point during the experience. A point of seeing my life for what it is, seeing me for who I am. That this life is a story, my story. It's my quest. That I need to be strong and step up to my quest.... Not through overworking for the sake of hard work, but through a steady balance of mindful effort without strain, and resting when necessary. The way of life the medicine was trying to get across is a lot like "Wu Wei" in Taoism, meaning effortless action. Like for instance, when you take a shower you use enough soap to clean yourself but not so much that it is harsh on your skin. That's a small example, but a good one of the sort of "steady, mindful" way of life the medicine was showing me.
Now this might sound like a chill time of being taught how to live a long, sustainable, holistic life.... But really it wasn't. I was purging violently, repeatedly, and the trip wasn't getting any less intense with these purges... It was overwhelming and extremely uncomfortable. Sensory experience turned up to the highest volume possible and amplified. I actually think the intensity level itself was a lesson.
For example at one point during this experience I was laying down, barely able to move, feeling like I couldn't breathe. I was genuinely struggling to catch a breath. Then, the trip sort of showed me that scene from Kill Bill where Beatrix aggressively palm-striked her way out of a coffin she was buried alive in, and I began trying to sit up and cough the shit out that was making it hard to breathe as I drank lots of water. It took a lot of effort, and I felt much better after. I think the lesson was that sometimes an overwhelming display of effort is needed when the circumstances grow dire enough; a proactive message indeed from the Ayahuasca.
I have a really hard time describing the actual physical/mental ordeal at this time, but I've described it as feeling like I was "hatching out of the cosmic egg". It felt like some kind of psychedelic rebirth. My life really was flashing before my eyes, I felt reduced to myself as a small child, I felt the essence of myself and my life and my story. And as it got closer and closer to the peak, it felt almost celebratory, like the entire world was hooting and hollering to commend the fact that I had finally realized all this vital wisdom about life and was then ready to go out into the world and apply it.
But the celebratory mood was more the trip itself..... I was actually rather overwhelmed and perturbed and wanted all this to be over. The "entities" voicing through my thoughts were conscious of this but also made it clear that I knew what I was getting myself into and they were gonna teach me that big lesson no matter how many times I vomited and felt on the verge of dying. They did sort of try to guide me, as a rapid succession of "inner" dialogue told me exactly how much water to drink, how much to purge, how to lay down, and basically walked me through making it through this ordeal even as they were actively dragging me through the ringer.
As brutal as the mother can be, she also is fond of happy endings. And so, after all of that; the cosmic egg, feeling reborn, the self-conscious tightrope, realizing the holistic way to live, violent purging, and being coached by entities through a psychosomatic gauntlet of enlightenment- they finally dropped the big message..... And that message involved SpongeBob SquarePants. Now, describing it indirectly don't do it justice, so I'm just gonna tell you their direct quote:
And you know.... It makes sense. Spongebob is just an ordinary joe, a fry cook. And yet his boundless optimism, reliability, and curiousity allows his life to go places that are anything but ordinary. Why? Because he still has a sense of wonder and hasn't let the more bitter realities of existence weigh him down. He gets up, he's ready, and through it all he still has.....
And that's the message I think I'm gonna leave this off on. I think that sort of speaks for itself. I could get into the harrowing physical ordeal or mental sensitivity I was going through, but this is the essence. And it really stuck with me even 2 years later.
On a funny side note, my ex was there witnessing me going through all of this. She definitely wasn't in the space herself so she basically just thought I was losing it and violently vomiting all night. I vividly remember her repeatedly saying "wash yourself" over and over and over because i puked on my clothes and I just tuned it out because I was so intensely pulled in by the experience.
There's probably more I could share about this, but I think I did it justice.
As always, I hope you enjoyed reading. This is one I've been wanting to write for awhile.
