Hello all! I wanted to introduce myself as; xephouria! Xephyr, xep, phour, or just fox work as well, and there's a lot to say, but nothing in particualr catches my brain at this point except i have a topic that i wanted to introduce along with me :] Get ready for a pretty long ramble about my journey with Becoming Whole and a lot of unnecessary nonsense, i wanna hopefully get talking about what happens after you don't need psyches but still plan on having a relationship with them.
As many of us seeking some kind of medicine for mental solace, I've got my fair share of issueeees, and just a few months ago was my very first trip. Years of hyperfocusing on my mental game (since like 14) has given me the tools i need to guide my thoughts in the right direction and reflect from many perspectives, and as such I can control my feelings and such prettt well.
That first trip was entirely me, with a friend to take care of any down-hills (which there DEEEFINITELY WAS at the end of that night, my very first True Death i think occured, and Will held me and it was the most painful and delectable and impactful thing I've experienced, i think), but despite it being my first trip, i still had pretty decent control over the thoughts i thought and the feelings i was feeling. I mean, as much as someone on mushrooms can be. The only reason i died at the end was cuz i got greedy and then i had a panic attack-
But anyway, I've tripped at least 6 to 10 times since, i could likely name off each one but I'm too lazy right now, and each one i feel like i got better and better at it as well as improved my life in a bunch of meaningful ways. Now... I won't tell you all about my life, but i feel like I've received all the benefits I've needed, from my very first time (and only time as of now) in hyperspace, getting stuck in a time loop on my very busy front porch, and escaping all the way up to my room all by myself (huge accomplishment at the time and taught me the value of keeping a cool head and being aware of my limits as i challenge myself), or the time i took MDA and Methamphetamine and felt my body glow, the world lit up like an oily pastel rainbow and nithing felt wrong anymore (i was shown love in a way that i could never have comprehended on my own and it made my relationship with the only 2 people i keep within me so much stronger, it also helped me realize the non-chalantness one must approach their own flaws with, and that guilt is unhelpful on its own if it's not used to hold yourself accountable), or my last (10 gram) shroom trip where i became everything and passed my body along to the other organisms that wanted a turn, ripping my atoms apart for 5 whole hourz and hurting me the way i needed (finally showing me the value of The Eternal Cycle of life and pain, how i needed to embrace all things and approach them with rhe uniqueness that each situation calls for).
Despite much work needing to be done on the outside of my life to be exactly where I hope to be one day, I truly feel as though I've gotten as close as I can to my true self as possible right now. 'Perfect control' is a bit of a stretch, but I've become one with The Cycle and feel as though I've mastered my own way to navigate it, and really, psychedelics no longer will show me anything new that I need to integrate the way all my other trips did.
But.
Despite being fully capable of never touching a single substance again, the past few months have made me feel as though searching every corner of hyperspace, journeying through mycelium to befriend every spore, and generally destroying my seratonin receptors for the sake of knowledge and sharing the information (and hopefully preventing others from living the life i did) has become a need. Not a literal need for myself, but there are few in my exact circumstance that cando this exact thing, and i feel like i need to for the sake of science, history, the next generation, and the fact that I've already screwed myself over enough that my physical value isn't super, uh, there at all lmao.
[[REDACTED BY MOD]] Dmt and mescaline are the last major psychedelics that I need to search through. I've been around mushrooms, acid, molly, mda, 2C-B, I've done ketamine [love you my sweet], DXM, fucking NITROUS and a number of other psychoactive substances one wouldn't calk psychedelic. Other than 5-meo, Jimjam is the only thing i MUST do. I feel like i will never truly be harmed by it, and if i am, i will navigate just like i always have, and it's the perfect space i need to see all of my mind and the universe laid bare in front of me, to reset when i need help, to feel that specific thrill when i need release.
Anyway, I'm Xep, nice to meet you, I'm just a little goober that wishes to see the things i could never on my own. [[REDACTED BY MOD]] My studies must continue.
PS - this doesn't come out of cockiness or a sense that I've truly lesrned everything I can, but a proudness for myself for overcoming the things that I have and knowing that I truly will get over everything evebtually in the future, one of the most important lessons I've ever learned really. Even if it takes death to get release, it will happen one day, so no point in being inconfident or worrying about uncontrollable factors, but instead I'm simply ready for whatever. The thing I'm most afraid of is losing my progress because I'm not ready for something new, but I think I am ready :]
As many of us seeking some kind of medicine for mental solace, I've got my fair share of issueeees, and just a few months ago was my very first trip. Years of hyperfocusing on my mental game (since like 14) has given me the tools i need to guide my thoughts in the right direction and reflect from many perspectives, and as such I can control my feelings and such prettt well.
That first trip was entirely me, with a friend to take care of any down-hills (which there DEEEFINITELY WAS at the end of that night, my very first True Death i think occured, and Will held me and it was the most painful and delectable and impactful thing I've experienced, i think), but despite it being my first trip, i still had pretty decent control over the thoughts i thought and the feelings i was feeling. I mean, as much as someone on mushrooms can be. The only reason i died at the end was cuz i got greedy and then i had a panic attack-
But anyway, I've tripped at least 6 to 10 times since, i could likely name off each one but I'm too lazy right now, and each one i feel like i got better and better at it as well as improved my life in a bunch of meaningful ways. Now... I won't tell you all about my life, but i feel like I've received all the benefits I've needed, from my very first time (and only time as of now) in hyperspace, getting stuck in a time loop on my very busy front porch, and escaping all the way up to my room all by myself (huge accomplishment at the time and taught me the value of keeping a cool head and being aware of my limits as i challenge myself), or the time i took MDA and Methamphetamine and felt my body glow, the world lit up like an oily pastel rainbow and nithing felt wrong anymore (i was shown love in a way that i could never have comprehended on my own and it made my relationship with the only 2 people i keep within me so much stronger, it also helped me realize the non-chalantness one must approach their own flaws with, and that guilt is unhelpful on its own if it's not used to hold yourself accountable), or my last (10 gram) shroom trip where i became everything and passed my body along to the other organisms that wanted a turn, ripping my atoms apart for 5 whole hourz and hurting me the way i needed (finally showing me the value of The Eternal Cycle of life and pain, how i needed to embrace all things and approach them with rhe uniqueness that each situation calls for).
Despite much work needing to be done on the outside of my life to be exactly where I hope to be one day, I truly feel as though I've gotten as close as I can to my true self as possible right now. 'Perfect control' is a bit of a stretch, but I've become one with The Cycle and feel as though I've mastered my own way to navigate it, and really, psychedelics no longer will show me anything new that I need to integrate the way all my other trips did.
But.
Despite being fully capable of never touching a single substance again, the past few months have made me feel as though searching every corner of hyperspace, journeying through mycelium to befriend every spore, and generally destroying my seratonin receptors for the sake of knowledge and sharing the information (and hopefully preventing others from living the life i did) has become a need. Not a literal need for myself, but there are few in my exact circumstance that cando this exact thing, and i feel like i need to for the sake of science, history, the next generation, and the fact that I've already screwed myself over enough that my physical value isn't super, uh, there at all lmao.
[[REDACTED BY MOD]] Dmt and mescaline are the last major psychedelics that I need to search through. I've been around mushrooms, acid, molly, mda, 2C-B, I've done ketamine [love you my sweet], DXM, fucking NITROUS and a number of other psychoactive substances one wouldn't calk psychedelic. Other than 5-meo, Jimjam is the only thing i MUST do. I feel like i will never truly be harmed by it, and if i am, i will navigate just like i always have, and it's the perfect space i need to see all of my mind and the universe laid bare in front of me, to reset when i need help, to feel that specific thrill when i need release.
Anyway, I'm Xep, nice to meet you, I'm just a little goober that wishes to see the things i could never on my own. [[REDACTED BY MOD]] My studies must continue.
PS - this doesn't come out of cockiness or a sense that I've truly lesrned everything I can, but a proudness for myself for overcoming the things that I have and knowing that I truly will get over everything evebtually in the future, one of the most important lessons I've ever learned really. Even if it takes death to get release, it will happen one day, so no point in being inconfident or worrying about uncontrollable factors, but instead I'm simply ready for whatever. The thing I'm most afraid of is losing my progress because I'm not ready for something new, but I think I am ready :]
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and lots to say! xD It's nice to hear such a positive story!
