Internal debate on whether to take the leap of faith

[Studio1one]

OK, maybe this is in the wrong section, apologies if so.

Really this is just a stream of consciousness about me, my motivations for wanting to take the journey and my fears and concerns.

First a little about me. I am 39, reasonable well versed in psychedelics but not for a number of years. LSD and mushrooms I have taken plenty of. In my youth when I was keen I have taken large doses of mushrooms and looked as far inside my soul as I could and walked away happy.

Now I am 39 and the pressures of life, kids, finances etc make me feel I have become disconnected from my source. I have done things I am not proud of due to the pressures of keeping my family afloat (nothing serious like burgling, crime, violence) just compromised my inner self and ethics and who I am as the pressures of reality and modern society weigh down on me.

I feel that this being forced to bend to the will of a society I don't agree with and hold with and having to act in a certain way and spend my days doing things that are not what I am about have made me become lost somewhat. Hoever I have responsibilities as a man and need to support my family. It affects my relationship with both my wife and my children as the further I move from the source of me the more withdrawn I become.

I run my own business and pretty much always have and it can be tough and stressful, right now I run an internet based business and find it soulless and intellect destroying. I need change, I need to do something different but I feel I don't have the inspiration or will power to change and the finances if brings in are ok but not enough to stop work, or set up with something different. In the past (early 90s) I was heavily involved with the music business -- parties raves etc and felt whole and complete doing that.

I feel that I need to be destroyed, broken down into my constituent parts so I can reconect with my core and build up again from the bottom, with oneness and wholeness of the spirit I once posessed.

I believe psychedelics are good for this but I have no more interest in LSD or mushrooms. LSD because I cannot be arsed tripping for that long and mushrooms because I feel I have taken what they have to give me without taking a heroic dose.

I feel DMT may be the molecule and experience I need for death and rebirth. I am not looking for answers to life or anything here, I just want to be torn down to my constituent parts, find my centre, my core and reconnect with it, because right now I can't

I am mentally strong and tenacious, have no mental health issues and am not inexpreienced with difficult psychedelic journies

A few thoughts

hopes:

to break ego utterly and totally and see my centre

to remember what it is my soul looks like at its very core

to rebuild myself with regaines self awareness of who I truly am


fear:

I break myself and struggle too hard to rebuild -- my family suffer from my inability to perform and function as needed

I find my core and am disgusted at what it has become since I last saw deep into it with mushrroms. Trauma and fall out from this

I cannot cope with seeing the reality of my actions in the world of business that I have taken to keep myself and my family going.


I believe my intentions are true and honest in what I seek from the spice, I just fear what it may tell me and the fall out from that.

I feel I have a reasonable amount of negative energy surrounding me from stress, a bad time may give it a deeper hold on me.


Any advice and wisdom from experienced travellers on my motivations and goals would be well received and listened to.

peace and Itection. Stay blessed bredren

 

[ScientificMethod]

When I'm about to take the leap and I feel nervous like that, or when I'm deep on the experience, I remember a Terrance McKenna quote that, "most people have survived this." And that the only thing to be afraid of is "death by astonishment." Both of those, I think of them like a piece of humor that gets me through the experience.

And I am sitting g here, an hour after such an experience, and I'm still alive and breathing. Practice also seems to make it a bit easier, but like all things in life, there comes a time when you just have to do it and let it be done. That time absurdly should not be rushed, and you should remember that it will still be there tomorrow.

Travel safely.

 

[RoyBatty]

Hi Studio1one,

I can totally relate on so many levels to what you wrote here. I have also strayed far from what I thought of as my natural compass direction, to the point several years ago where I was drinking unsafe levels of alcohol to escape the life I had created. At that point I had tried several things to kickstart a new me but nothing worked. Long story short I brewed some mimosahuasca and it helped me to the point that I stopped drinking and then went back to school. Today I am relatively well off in more ways than one and reasonably happy. I still feel that I am not totally following my inner compass but I am closer to the path than I have been in a while.

Personally I think that spice can and will teach you extraordinary things but ayahuasca might give you slower more channeled insight that will initially be fleeting while on spice. At least that is what I have found so far. Of course using both is in the realm of possibility.

There is also the problem of looking for outward solutions to inner problems, which I have always done from when I was quite young. Having a powerful emotional/spiritual experience can instigate change for sure but it is up to you to do what needs to be done after you receive a message/strength/realization.

As Alan Watts famously said about tripping "If you get the message, hang up the phone." Of course you may receive another call but in the meantime work on whats in front of you.

As for fear. As I am sure you know, set and setting are paramount and you may want to test the water before jumping into the very deep end of the pool. Stay safe.

 

[Synkromystic]

I would highly recommend dmt IF you are willing to look at every part of yourself (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual) and be willing to work through the blockages and chaos. Many people focus more on outward manifestations during their dmt journeys, but it seems like you are more inward focused, like I am. It is truly a blessing to be able to work with dmt. It will help show you THE infinite light. DMT will help you to reconnect with the source of all. It is not an easy journey, and often times Dmt will actually make it more difficult, BUT it will help clear up confusion on why certain things are happening in one's life. It will help you find the strength inside yourself to endure the difficult process. For me, it's about removing obstacles(anger, hate, greed, intemperance, desire for material satisfaction...etc) and blockages between us and our ''creator''. It is not about adding anything, and in fact the more you add, the farther from ''it'' you get. It is a lifetime, or longer commitment, and most likely you have already made the commitment to do the work of purifying your soul and returning to the oneness. Oh, and during a dmt trip it is usually best not to resist. Just let the journey unfold. Whenever possible I try to use the ''path of least resistance'' philosophy, although it's not always possible.

 

[Studio1one]

I would highly recommend dmt IF you are willing to look at every part of yourself (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual) and be willing to work through the blockages and chaos. Many people focus more on outward manifestations during their dmt journeys, but it seems like you are more inward focused, like I am. It is truly a blessing to be able to work with dmt. It will help show you THE infinite light. DMT will help you to reconnect with the source of all. It is not an easy journey, and often times Dmt will actually make it more difficult, BUT it will help clear up confusion on why certain things are happening in one's life. It will help you find the strength inside yourself to endure the difficult process. For me, it's about removing obstacles(anger, hate, greed, intemperance, desire for material satisfaction...etc) and blockages between us and our ''creator''. It is not about adding anything, and in fact the more you add, the farther from ''it'' you get. It is a lifetime, or longer commitment, and most likely you have already made the commitment to do the work of purifying your soul and returning to the oneness. Oh, and during a dmt trip it is usually best not to resist. Just let the journey unfold. Whenever possible I try to use the ''path of least resistance'' philosophy, although it's not always possible.

My previouse psychedelic experiences have taught me not to resist. I have had many trips, althought none I suspect that would even compare to the power of DMT. The only time I have had a bad time is when I have held back from the direction of travel through fear. Fear is the mindkiller, fear is the little death.....

As I say I have had a lot of trips in the past on LSD and psyclocibin mushrooms. But not for a long time.

Now I want death (not like suicide death) but I want full and total ego death. I want something that can smash away the layers and layers of calcification that have formed over my core through the years and years that this society has forced me to bend to its will and away from my truth and leave me open and bare in front of myself, with no where to hide from truth and light.

 

[Studio1one]

Hi Studio1one,

I can totally relate on so many levels to what you wrote here. I have also strayed far from what I thought of as my natural compass direction, to the point several years ago where I was drinking unsafe levels of alcohol to escape the life I had created. At that point I had tried several things to kickstart a new me but nothing worked. Long story short I brewed some mimosahuasca and it helped me to the point that I stopped drinking and then went back to school. Today I am relatively well off in more ways than one and reasonably happy. I still feel that I am not totally following my inner compass but I am closer to the path than I have been in a while.

Personally I think that spice can and will teach you extraordinary things but ayahuasca might give you slower more channeled insight that will initially be fleeting while on spice. At least that is what I have found so far. Of course using both is in the realm of possibility.

There is also the problem of looking for outward solutions to inner problems, which I have always done from when I was quite young. Having a powerful emotional/spiritual experience can instigate change for sure but it is up to you to do what needs to be done after you receive a message/strength/realization.

As Alan Watts famously said about tripping "If you get the message, hang up the phone." Of course you may receive another call but in the meantime work on whats in front of you.

As for fear. As I am sure you know, set and setting are paramount and you may want to test the water before jumping into the very deep end of the pool. Stay safe.

I can totally relate to the alcohol thing. I also drink too much alcohol. Not loads, a couple of beers or a couple of glasses of wine but it is every single night pretty much and the reason I do it is because it eases away innder voice that tells me 'this is not you, this life you lead the things you do are not you, what the fuck are you doing'

Sometimes I wake up at 3-4 AM and just lie there for hours thinking, who even am I anymore, this is not me but how do I find the path, how do I find the path I once followed. There just seems to be blockages everywhere to getting back on that path. My path once followed music and food, feeding people great food and putting on great music for them. I know that in my heart and soul I just want to feed people and give them amazing interactions with food as an art form.

Instead I sit in front of a computer all day doing nothing, wasting time. I don't want to waste my time but I need a guide to show me the way back to my path because the blockages stop me finding it. Money, motivation, fear, responsibility.

I totally understand what you are saying about outwards solutions to inner problems. And once you get the message hang up the phone, it is wise words for sure.

One of the reasons I am looking to DMT is because I have never picked that phone up, never even heard the message, never mind had time to assimilate it.


I mean, my mind is pretty much made up here. I think it is a journey I need to take, I guess I am just scared that if I break myself as hard as I want to with it, I may come away worse than I started.

 

[hug46]

I am in the same position with coming back to psychedelics after an extended break. I work for myself and also have a 9-5 job and don"t have enough time for extended trips, but i would still leave yourself quite a bit of time for preparation and integration. Especially if you are going down the self annhilation route.

Depending on what floats your boat start small and get your sea legs.

With your age, background, hopes and fears i would highly recommend it. I have found that it has been beneficial in relation to my day to day life. Just don"t blame me if it all goes pear shaped (but it probably won"t).

How does your wife feel about it?

 

[Studio1one]

I am in the same position with coming back to psychedelics after an extended break. I work for myself and also have a 9-5 job and don"t have enough time for extended trips, but i would still leave yourself quite a bit of time for preparation and integration. Especially if you are going down the self annhilation route.

Depending on what floats your boat start small and get your sea legs.

With your age, background, hopes and fears i would highly recommend it. I have found that it has been beneficial in relation to my day to day life. Just don"t blame me if it all goes pear shaped (but it probably won"t).

How does your wife feel about it?

I haven't spoken to her about it, I'm not sure I would. I don't think there is anyway she could understand what I am trying to acheive and why. She would just have fears and concerns and I don't think anything positive would come out of telling her I was planning to take this journey.

 

[hug46]

How does your wife feel about it?

I haven't spoken to her about it, I'm not sure I would. I don't think there is anyway she could understand what I am trying to acheive and why. She would just have fears and concerns and I don't think anything positive would come out of telling her I was planning to take this journey.

That"s a toughie. On one hand, you don"t tell your partner about it and run the risk of subconcious guilt manifesting itself in the trip or you tell her and have her fears and worries affect you and her. These things may not be such a bad thing.

It is a shame that there is so much ingrained stigma with these drugs. An activity like this should be seen no differently to taking a bit of alone time while pottering about in the shed at the bottom of the garden.

If you really cannot see anything positive about telling her keep schtum.

I will add that when i have done drugs behind partner"s backs in the past, they have always found out. If you plan to annihilate yourself she is probly going to notice something.

 

[Studio1one]

How does your wife feel about it?

I haven't spoken to her about it, I'm not sure I would. I don't think there is anyway she could understand what I am trying to acheive and why. She would just have fears and concerns and I don't think anything positive would come out of telling her I was planning to take this journey.

That"s a toughie. On one hand, you don"t tell your partner about it and run the risk of subconcious guilt manifesting itself in the trip or you tell her and have her fears and worries affect you and her. These things may not be such a bad thing.

It is a shame that there is so much ingrained stigma with these drugs. An activity like this should be seen no differently to taking a bit of alone time while pottering about in the shed at the bottom of the garden.

If you really cannot see anything positive about telling her keep schtum.

I will add that when i have done drugs behind partner"s backs in the past, they have always found out. If you plan to annihilate yourself she is probly going to notice something.

I have no concerns over that to be honest. My wife is aware of my drug use. Back when we met, over 20 years ago now, we were both 'ravers' for want of a better term and massive fans of entactogens MDMA specifically. As she has got older she has turned her back on drugs and I haven't.

We are both aware of this, she understands I still enjoy to take my journeys on varying substances but requests that I don't do it in her presence or with her, it is something that happens between me and my friends that she has no issue with but does not wish to be involved in.

It's not like I 'do drugs behind her back' as there is no secret that I still do, she just doesn't wish to be part of or involved in it after a few bad experiences.

 

[hug46]

I have no concerns over that to be honest. My wife is aware of my drug use. Back when we met, over 20 years ago now, we were both 'ravers' for want of a better term and massive fans of entactogens MDMA specifically. As she has got older she has turned her back on drugs and I haven't.

We are both aware of this, she understands I still enjoy to take my journeys on varying substances but requests that I don't do it in her presence or with her, it is something that happens between me and my friends that she has no issue with but does not wish to be involved in.

It's not like I 'do drugs behind her back' as there is no secret that I still do, she just doesn't wish to be part of or involved in it after a few bad experiences.

Fair enough. Thankyou for clarifying your position with your wife. I got the impression from your previous post that she would freak if she knew you were going to do DMT and therefore it would be a clandestine venture. Ignore everything i said in my last post apart from the garden shed bit.

 

[Felnik]

It's possible to use DMT in a therapeutic way that
can really help with personal growth.

It's best when used in some kind of personal practice
envolving some level of shamanic ritual .

If you really want to achieve the things your speaking of the first step is to figure out how to make it yourself . You need
Plenty of it to work with to make any lasting progress and learn how to deal with it . Lasting changes won't hold from 1 or two blast offs .

No expectation is a key thing . it will be far weirder and different for you personally than anything you will read or expect . I found it better to let go of all expectation and just
be with it and observe and experience .

You always come back no matter how crazy it gets
Once I learned that my fear level decreased . This took a long time and only after many many journeys did I finally learn this .

i strongly believe in these plant teachers as
A genuine way to heal and learn to be a better and more compassionate understanding person. I also think
This connection to nature and plant teachers is even more vital
In this completely insane fast paced world were all trying
desperately to function in these days.

 

[Studio1one]

I have no concerns over that to be honest. My wife is aware of my drug use. Back when we met, over 20 years ago now, we were both 'ravers' for want of a better term and massive fans of entactogens MDMA specifically. As she has got older she has turned her back on drugs and I haven't.

We are both aware of this, she understands I still enjoy to take my journeys on varying substances but requests that I don't do it in her presence or with her, it is something that happens between me and my friends that she has no issue with but does not wish to be involved in.

It's not like I 'do drugs behind her back' as there is no secret that I still do, she just doesn't wish to be part of or involved in it after a few bad experiences.

Fair enough. Thankyou for clarifying your position with your wife. I got the impression from your previous post that she would freak if she knew you were going to do DMT and therefore it would be a clandestine venture. Ignore everything i said in my last post apart from the garden shed bit.

In a way she would freak, it was partly a bad trip that turned her off drugs and partly making some bad judgements one time due to being wasted and having impaired judgement. Deciding things were a good idea that if she had not been loaded on mdma she would have clearly realised were a terrible idea. That realisation that had I not stopped her she yould have made some very poor desisions made her decide she should stop but she would only freak from concern over my mental wellbeing.

All in all better not to let her have the concern, even if part of my reason for wanting to do this is to help me reconnect better with all those that I love and care for.

 

[Studio1one]

It's possible to use DMT in a therapeutic way that
can really help with personal growth.

It's best when used in some kind of personal practice
envolving some level of shamanic ritual .

If you really want to achieve the things your speaking of the first step is to figure out how to make it yourself . You need
Plenty of it to work with to make any lasting progress and learn how to deal with it . Lasting changes won't hold from 1 or two blast offs .

No expectation is a key thing . it will be far weirder and different for you personally than anything you will read or expect . I found it better to let go of all expectation and just
be with it and observe and experience .

You always come back no matter how crazy it gets
Once I learned that my fear level decreased . This took a long time and only after many many journeys did I finally learn this .

i strongly believe in these plant teachers as
A genuine way to heal and learn to be a better and more compassionate understanding person. I also think
This connection to nature and plant teachers is even more vital
In this completely insane fast paced world were all trying
desperately to function in these days.

Thanks for that,

I agree with all you say I think, apart from the needing lots, only through lack of knowlege of what I do and don't need. To be clear I am not saying I disagree with you, only that I don't have the knowledge or understanding to agree or disagree.

That said, I wouldn't dream of taking it without making my own. It seems a necssary part of the holistic process, to take the journey on the molecule you have made, not someone elses molecule.

 

[Felnik]

There's a learning curve for sure . All advice
I give comes from my own experience over many
years of experimentation. One thing I would add
Is that dmt without some kind of Ali plant teacher
specifically ayahuasca can be tricky. It's a tried
and true combo for good reason. Down the line
It's something to consider. It takes some time to figure out
a workable method overall including your set and setting .

Keep in mind what I'm saying is coming from an almost 50 year old guy
With family job house etc. many responsibilities . I've somehow found a way to integrate this whole thing together .
Point being is it's possible to go deep, learn and explore and still be a functional person . All the best to you .

 

[Studio1one]

There's a learning curve for sure . All advice
I give comes from my own experience over many
years of experimentation. One thing I would add
Is that dmt without some kind of Ali plant teacher
specifically ayahuasca can be tricky. It's a tried
and true combo for good reason. Down the line
It's something to consider. It takes some time to figure out
a workable method overall including your set and setting .

Keep in mind what I'm saying is coming from an almost 50 year old guy
With family job house etc. many responsibilities . I've somehow found a way to integrate this whole thing together .
Point being is it's possible to go deep, learn and explore and still be a functional person . All the best to you .

thanks for your kind words.

 

[Synkromystic]

There's a learning curve for sure . All advice
I give comes from my own experience over many
years of experimentation. One thing I would add
Is that dmt without some kind of Ali plant teacher
specifically ayahuasca can be tricky. It's a tried
and true combo for good reason. Down the line
It's something to consider. It takes some time to figure out
a workable method overall including your set and setting .

Keep in mind what I'm saying is coming from an almost 50 year old guy
With family job house etc. many responsibilities . I've somehow found a way to integrate this whole thing together .
Point being is it's possible to go deep, learn and explore and still be a functional person . All the best to you .

That is very good advice to have another plant teacher, or at least another ''teacher'' around. I've found pharmahausca and changa to be preferable to freebase dmt most of the time. The harmalas help ground the experience, and slow it down so that it's easier to absorb. They also help guide the journey, and often times add a nice warmth to the experience, as well as making the journey last longer. Some people do prefer only dmt though....it just depends

 

[Studio1one]

I have been reading up on making changa. You think I can get the total destruction of self I seek through changa as easily as freebase?

Honestly, and I may well live to regret saying this I am not looking for a gentle introduction here or a slow path, that is something I would like to follow later. In the first instance I am looking for a hammer, a mighty hammer, then a rebuild through path finding.

I feel that at the moment I am seeking a Kali, then later Shiva. I want the explosive force of chaos, a smashing of all, total annihilation.

I know this sounds nihilistic but genuinely it isnt. My ultimate goal is growth, nurture and understanding. But for new life to be born the old must die.

In my mind at the moment, freebase seems like it has the raw unbridled power I seek to raze me.

I am more than aware that I am totally and utterly without experience here and my ears and mind are open to those who have. I am totally open to the concept of changa and what it can offer me and if well versed travellers of this path believe it is a better option than freebase I will listen.


My fear is not of the experience itself so much. I hold myself open to the power of destruction and rebirth.

It is the assimilation of the experience after that fills me with a small dread.

But then I remember my lifes motto, the one that has held me strong and allowed me to pass through very hard times without buckling

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing....only I will remain"

 

[Felnik]

Changa can work if you get the ratio of DMT to caapi right .
Some experimentation is necessary. There are lots of great teks on nexus .I Might suggest getting
some really good ayahuasca vine. Black vine has always been the strongest from my experience. Make a tea and drink it prior to vaping dmt and you will get what it sounds like your looking for no doubt .

 

[RoyBatty]

I totally understand what you are saying about outwards solutions to inner problems. And once you get the message hang up the phone, it is wise words for sure.

One of the reasons I am looking to DMT is because I have never picked that phone up, never even heard the message, never mind had time to assimilate it.


I mean, my mind is pretty much made up here. I think it is a journey I need to take, I guess I am just scared that if I break myself as hard as I want to with it, I may come away worse than I started.

One thing I do know is that change takes time. I am pretty impatient and one of the biggest lessons I still need to learn is how to slow down and not rush through whatever it is I am working on or experiencing. That being said sometimes you do need to make a decision, as it sounds like you have done, and follow its path wherever it takes you.

I don't think you will come away worse per se, just that you may not find what you are expecting or hoping for, and that may not be a bad thing. I still would suggest that you try a form of ayahuasca first or at least do it as well. It will give you a slower pace and more time to extract lessons from and also will give you a glimpse of what you can expect from a spice journey. In my case it made my first journeys on spice feel a bit more familiar with a sense of deja vu, if that makes sense.

If you do decide to extract I also suggest using the Max Ion tek as that one really embodies patience. You may want to first do Cyb's salt tek which is a simpler take on the Max Ion to get a feel for what you are doing.

Take your time and please be careful and safe. You waited this long, no need to rush now. Also this is meant as much for me as for you, so please don't take this as preaching.