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Length of time after trip persisting

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Collingwood

Collingwood

Rising Star
EDIT: Link to artwork gallery

Hi, I'm super new here, and I realize I should have outlined my experience first in this section rather than in the essay section... so I'll cut right to the chase.

I've had only 2 experiences with DMT before. I brewed using mimosa hostilis and syrian rue, ground up, and cooked with water and vitamin C.

Since tripping, I've experienced the emergence of additional personalities, or entities, in my mind. At first, it was quite intense and they were pronounced, identifiable presences. I was also uncontrollably artistic: even if I didn't plan on a direction for the artwork, the drawing would become something with identifiable form. I have a collection of them online if anyone is interested to see.

But for instance, one of the first identities claimed to be my twin brother from before birth (born to the same mother, however thousands of years old each of us, and I was apparently the older one... but I now consider all of this a lie), however he was my 'creativity', and that we were born into one body for some reason. There was also a 'mother' figure, whom identified herself with the pseudonyms of various gods from mythology, and I was able to draw her. There were others as well.

I haven't been able to perceive silence at all actually since then, however I don't fit the description exactly for schizophrenia, and I'm still able to remain coherent and rational. I'm taking a very low dose of risperidone at the suggestion of the doctor, but I don't know that it's actually doing anything. It started at the beginning of February, and has been interesting and enlightened me to many things about myself as I've grappled to hold my grip on my sanity and myself, been also very harrowing and upsetting, of course. Im now considering whether or not I've just damaged my brain permanently. Is it ever that something like this can persist for so long?

The voices are now quieter, but in their place I feel physical forces in my body, and they jerk me or influence me preferentially to do certain things or to look at certain things.

I feel like I've been possessed by demons sometimes and don't know what to do or what to expect, or what it means to be alive in this world, or what this means for other humans... if it means anything. Maybe it just means that I'm a psycho. At any rate, I'm running out of energy and wonder if this is an effort to play games with me. It certainly seems as though strings are pulled from somewhere else enough to be a game. But moreover, I'm concerned that my waking reality has been altered significantly, and that the only thing I'm finding I look forward to is going to sleep. Thanks for any suggestions.
 
Collingwood -

Do not smoke any more spice, or do any other psychotropics (including MJ), even if they provide temporary relief. There are a lot of smart, caring people at the nexus, but if anyone tells you to dose to help your situation, no matter how well intentioned and sincere they are, don't listen. While DMT may be a sort of medicine, it can't treat what you've got.

I am not qualified to diagnose you, but having seen friends travel down this road and despite your assertions to the contrary, your description sounds on the nose for schizophrenia. If it worsens, you won't be aware that the voices and noise or forces are abnormal. You will likely convince yourself you are receiving "transmissions" and messages.

Get professional help before this happens. Even if you feel better and ESPECIALLY if you are learning to live with it. As with most things, but more-so with this, you will only be able to help yourself so long as you recognize there is a problem.

Psychotropics, while mind expanding and magnificent tools of self discovery, are dangerous. Don't kid yourself. That is why they are taken so seriously, and even revered, by their users. All of us here at the nexus are rolling the dice with our minds, and for some people, the double sixes keep coming up, others consistently roll high numbers, but for some, the dreaded snake eyes stare back. I have sworn to myself that if ever I roll those two dots, I'm off this stuff and everything else. The mind is too precious. Take care of it. It's all you've got.
I hope this doesn't sound too alarmist, but I can't emphasize enough that you get help.

If you want to chat privately, PM me. I can advise you and lend you support, but keep in mind I'm no expert.
take care of yourself,

JBArk
 
I'll go ahead and fully back that recommendation up. Anyone who is experiencing perceptual distortions, hallucinations, or other pre-psychotic symptoms in daily life needs to stay the hell away from compounds that further induce those symptoms, which includes all entheogens, psychedelics, dissociatives, and DEFINITELY STAY AWAY FROM CANNABIS. Cannabis is a seriously problematic plant for people with pre-schizophrenia symptoms and risk factors, which you have provided a textbook description of!

Something that not many people seem to know -- schizophrenia is preventable. It's great that you're already getting help with low-dose risperidone, but it's also important that you get into talk therapy with a competent psychotherapist who knows how to deal with pre-schizophrenia (also called "prodromal symptoms of schizophrenia" or "schizophrenia prodrome" ). Also, your dose of risperidone needs to be monitored by a psychiatrist -- not a family doctor or primary care physician.

It's VERY IMPORTANT that you get this dealt with soon! You wouldn't believe the success stories of people who have been pulled back from the brink because they begun good treatment early. Right now, you're standing at the crossroads between sanity and insanity. You still have the reality-checking in place to realize that this is the result of something getting messed up in your mind, and it's important that you start fixing things now while they're still this easy to fix. Once full-blown schizophrenia develops and takes hold, it's a lot harder to reverse. It requires higher doses of antipsychotic medication, and those drugs cause more side effects at higher doses. It also requires a lot more time with expensive psychotherapy. Go ahead and nip this in the bud while you can, and you'll thank yourself for it for the rest of your life.

As for people who tell you that Big Pharma is trying to control you and feed you poisons, and the like, please expose ALL such conspiracy theories to the most rigorous and rational reality testing that you can! I believe in free speech too much to actually tell such people to shut up (and it wouldn't actually do anything anyway), but I really advise you to take all conspiracy theories with multiple large grains of salt. Low dose risperidone has already helped you in your struggle to maintain sanity, and if you can get some good cognitive-behavioral therapy or another good psychotherapy going, you might not need to increase your risperidone dosage. It can be really helpful for you to learn what situations and thoughts trigger prodromal symptoms for you, such as paranoia or dissociation.

So, in conclusion: Stay hopeful! There's every reason to believe that you can win this, as long as you go about it the right way!
 
"If your holding on, there will be demons tearing your life away, if youve made your peace, the demons are really angels.. freeing you, from the earth."

"Did you ever notice how in the Bible, when ever God needed to punish someone, or make an example, or whenever God needed a killing, he sent an angel? Did you ever wonder what a creature like that must be like? A whole existence spent praising your God, but always with one wing dipped in blood. Would you ever really want to see an angel?"

shizophrenia or shamanism...

i think your perfectly fine. better in fact. listen to those voices. but define yourself and dont let them define you. its the syncronicity in life, even if they are purely from your thoughts
 
Capt. bones, I am disappointed. A guy comes to the nexus for help and you tell him to listen to the voices? A friend of mine listened to the voices and tried to carve his bicep off with a kitchen knife to stop the evil "transmissions" because he was told to do so by the "good" transmissions". Another tried to pin his roommate down and rape her cause the voices told him he needed to bear a child ASAP.

I get where you're coming from, I've read enough in my time. But if your advice is a reaction to the dogma of Big Pharma and the western status quo, consider the jehovah witnesses who let their children die when a blood transfusion would save them. Their stance, as much as yours, is as dogmatic as that toward which you glibly point your finger. And when confronted with two conflicting dogmas, we should always choose the one that will save lives.

I mean no offense, but be very careful giving people advice that threatens their sanity or their lives.

Get help Collingwood and don't listen to the voices. and read Samadhi-Sukha-Upekkha's post - he articulates my pov in more technical terms. I would entrust my sanity to his advice.

good luck,

JBArk
 
Thanks for your kind advice everyone. It's true that I'm open to all possibilities and I'm sure that there is a lot of inkling toward my simply having caught some kind of sickness, or that the trip triggered something latent. I'm still on the fence about it, since I haven't been able to identify at all with other psychotics or schizophrenics, and there is no history of that in my family. I have had some psychological trouble, but my rational mind is very resilient, almost too much so, and at first I wondered that this wasnt part of the problem. I'm usually a pretty cold and unemotional person, or can be with ease (at 9 years old I was asked by my psychiatrist "if I had emotions" - haha! I sure do... NOW I know that I do, anyway), but I didnt think it was to any crazy extent... but either way, here I am.

The voices were never audible and although I have been instructed before to do some things, never anything that I took seriously. In fact, I was led along for a very long time into believing that I had some kind of destiny to look forward to... but I dropped that or didnt take it literally (took it as metaphorical).

Actually, before tripping for the first time, my girlfriend told me that I had actually started to tell her about perceiving an internal 'duality'. So this was BEFORE and not after. Could I have opened myself up while something was lying in wait, I wonder, haha! And then a couple of days after, I had this amazing trip, and was lead down the fantasy lane way farther than I should have gone. Its true that since then, I have gotten a lot better in terms of being able to enjoy some silence and am able to eke out a few papers to save my grades. But it has been a sincerely wild ride.

The thing is that I'm still not being left alone. I wonder if by the second trip, when I tripped by myself without her (I wonder if her energy not being with me made me susceptible?), some weird things happened. I was possessed by an influence that 'danced' me around, and I was watching from inside however still in control to a small degree - I just felt so happy and entertained that I coudl be expressing something apparently happy and apparently playful, not something I normally do, so I didnt intervene. I was enacting a play, I felt like, for her, or for me, I dont know. I went through many feelings of sickness and fright, but also happiness and excitement; I thought: am I being lead down a condensed version of life's different faces? I wonder if I invited something bad in on that night though? Or if something bad had the chance to grow inside me? Either way, I cant be sure right now so I guess I should just play it safe.

I'm currently experiencing the bodily movements or forces inside myself sometimes, especially when I'm tired. I've also had a waking hallucination that occurred suddenly and suddenly stopped as I went to sleep, however my world was unchanged besides. I also, especially at night when there is let light pollution, see the air and light move as if my eyes are letting in more light (this is distinct and in a class of its own as I relate it to my experiences of hallucinations), as if I'm seeing more of the electromagnetic radiation interact with other energy and its environment. Around a street lamp for example, a halo of fuzzy light will be very bright and will appear to move or glimmer with lots of colours, as if it were being bent through the molecules of water, splitting into the visible spectrum.

I definitely do not listen to voices in that I do not take instructions and hold on tight to my worldly life, but I'm getting tired, thats all. I would like to know why this kind of thing happens, or if its ever happened to someone else? Why would it still linger? And why, when I decided and intended with MIGHT that I wanted something to change, would I perceive a change in my environment or in the perception of the kind of presence in my mind? Why is it that I have such an effect at some points, and then no longer at others? Why would it become less apparent but still hang around and my brain still get dragged into the darker recesses of my mind - into "bad" moral concepts that I would feel embarrassed or humiliated by? Its like I'm being eroded by the feeling of having an audience 24/7. A man requires some peace!

I've made an appointment and told doctors of my situation, and am trying to keep myself away from the temptation of intoxicants and other drugs when I'm feeling low and desperate to see if altering my perception will give my poor ego and body a break. And any other advice anyone has is really very appreciated. I dont like to repeat myself too much, but I guess I'm just glad to vent. It's been a long and lonely road so far.
 
Sounds like you've got a handle on it gor the moment. Glad to hear you are taking some steps toward professional help/supervision - you really have nothing to lose by doing so. These things can creep up on you.
Good luck and keep us posted. The PM offer is still open.
JBArk
 
Collingwood said:
Thanks for your kind advice everyone. It's true that I'm open to all possibilities and I'm sure that there is a lot of inkling toward my simply having caught some kind of sickness, or that the trip triggered something latent. I'm still on the fence about it, since I haven't been able to identify at all with other psychotics or schizophrenics, and there is no history of that in my family. I have had some psychological trouble, but my rational mind is very resilient, almost too much so, and at first I wondered that this wasnt part of the problem. I'm usually a pretty cold and unemotional person, or can be with ease (at 9 years old I was asked by my psychiatrist "if I had emotions" - haha! I sure do... NOW I know that I do, anyway), but I didnt think it was to any crazy extent... but either way, here I am.

The voices were never audible and although I have been instructed before to do some things, never anything that I took seriously. In fact, I was led along for a very long time into believing that I had some kind of destiny to look forward to... but I dropped that or didnt take it literally (took it as metaphorical).

Actually, before tripping for the first time, my girlfriend told me that I had actually started to tell her about perceiving an internal 'duality'. So this was BEFORE and not after. Could I have opened myself up while something was lying in wait, I wonder, haha! And then a couple of days after, I had this amazing trip, and was lead down the fantasy lane way farther than I should have gone. Its true that since then, I have gotten a lot better in terms of being able to enjoy some silence and am able to eke out a few papers to save my grades. But it has been a sincerely wild ride.

The thing is that I'm still not being left alone. I wonder if by the second trip, when I tripped by myself without her (I wonder if her energy not being with me made me susceptible?), some weird things happened. I was possessed by an influence that 'danced' me around, and I was watching from inside however still in control to a small degree - I just felt so happy and entertained that I coudl be expressing something apparently happy and apparently playful, not something I normally do, so I didnt intervene. I was enacting a play, I felt like, for her, or for me, I dont know. I went through many feelings of sickness and fright, but also happiness and excitement; I thought: am I being lead down a condensed version of life's different faces? I wonder if I invited something bad in on that night though? Or if something bad had the chance to grow inside me? Either way, I cant be sure right now so I guess I should just play it safe.

I'm currently experiencing the bodily movements or forces inside myself sometimes, especially when I'm tired. I've also had a waking hallucination that occurred suddenly and suddenly stopped as I went to sleep, however my world was unchanged besides. I also, especially at night when there is let light pollution, see the air and light move as if my eyes are letting in more light (this is distinct and in a class of its own as I relate it to my experiences of hallucinations), as if I'm seeing more of the electromagnetic radiation interact with other energy and its environment. Around a street lamp for example, a halo of fuzzy light will be very bright and will appear to move or glimmer with lots of colours, as if it were being bent through the molecules of water, splitting into the visible spectrum.

I definitely do not listen to voices in that I do not take instructions and hold on tight to my worldly life, but I'm getting tired, thats all. I would like to know why this kind of thing happens, or if its ever happened to someone else? Why would it still linger? And why, when I decided and intended with MIGHT that I wanted something to change, would I perceive a change in my environment or in the perception of the kind of presence in my mind? Why is it that I have such an effect at some points, and then no longer at others? Why would it become less apparent but still hang around and my brain still get dragged into the darker recesses of my mind - into "bad" moral concepts that I would feel embarrassed or humiliated by? Its like I'm being eroded by the feeling of having an audience 24/7. A man requires some peace!

I've made an appointment and told doctors of my situation, and am trying to keep myself away from the temptation of intoxicants and other drugs when I'm feeling low and desperate to see if altering my perception will give my poor ego and body a break. And any other advice anyone has is really very appreciated. I dont like to repeat myself too much, but I guess I'm just glad to vent. It's been a long and lonely road so far.
Click to expand...

I went through a hellish time after doing Ketamine. Panic-attack symptoms etc. I beat it myself, but it was a struggle.

I'm not sure if Schizophrenia is a psychological or psysiological condition. If it's the former I'd say gather your mental strengths and kick the crap out of it. If it's the latter you should carry on getting professional help.

Something that helped me..."Nothing to fear but fear itself." Good luck with it mate.
 
jbark said:
Capt. bones, I am disappointed. A guy comes to the nexus for help and you tell him to listen to the voices? A friend of mine listened to the voices and tried to carve his bicep off with a kitchen knife to stop the evil "transmissions" because he was told to do so by the "good" transmissions". Another tried to pin his roommate down and rape her cause the voices told him he needed to bear a child ASAP.

I get where you're coming from, I've read enough in my time. But if your advice is a reaction to the dogma of Big Pharma and the western status quo, consider the jehovah witnesses who let their children die when a blood transfusion would save them. Their stance, as much as yours, is as dogmatic as that toward which you glibly point your finger. And when confronted with two conflicting dogmas, we should always choose the one that will save lives.

I mean no offense, but be very careful giving people advice that threatens their sanity or their lives.

Get help Collingwood and don't listen to the voices. and read Samadhi-Sukha-Upekkha's post - he articulates my pov in more technical terms. I would entrust my sanity to his advice.

good luck,

JBArk
Click to expand...


Ok well these people are thinking like crazies if they think that a voice meant that short of time to bear a child or whatever. that guy was not rational.

I used to feel the whole duality in myself too. But i have come to terms that it either the darker path we can take, or stick to the stronger, higher, lighter one.

IMO when you were in these uncontrolable dances, it sounds like a kundalini awakening

Kundalini Awakening Symptoms

Are you going through a Kundalini Awakening episode or experience? This article is a collection of real life kundalini awakening symptoms to help you find out.
www.anmolmehta.com www.anmolmehta.com

the twitchings, uncontrollable happiness and dancing

and seeing energy like you do around lights is the first step to seeing auras and higher more clairivoyant sight.



Look into all possibilities before passing it off as problems in your brain and letting "proffesionals" in our society "help" you.

Judge the voices, aknowledge you have them. and leave it that way for now.

You wouldnt be questioning and posting this if you were crazy, you would think it was fine. or hide it in fear.

Best.
 
Capt_Bones said:
You wouldnt be questioning and posting this if you were crazy, you would think it was fine. or hide it in fear.
Click to expand...

This comment goes against all of the literature I have read regarding the progression of schizophrenia. Very often people beginning to suffer from schizophrenia realize it and reach out for help. It seems very much to me that you have advised on a potentially life-threatening topic without substantial knowledge to base your advice on.
 
ragabr said:
Capt_Bones said:
You wouldnt be questioning and posting this if you were crazy, you would think it was fine. or hide it in fear.
Click to expand...

This comment goes against all of the literature I have read regarding the progression of schizophrenia. Very often people beginning to suffer from schizophrenia realize it and reach out for help. It seems very much to me that you have advised on a potentially life-threatening topic without substantial knowledge to base your advice on.
Click to expand...


Ok sorry, i have never read anything about that
 
I too suffered a schizophrenic break several years ago, and was able to beat it by rationalizing away all thoughts in my head which I didn't identify as of my conscious self. Then I stopped listening and got on with my life and it went away. It would have been helpful to have some support, but I also think it might not be helpful to have people telling you that you are crazy.
 
Capt_Bones said:
ragabr said:
Capt_Bones said:
You wouldnt be questioning and posting this if you were crazy, you would think it was fine. or hide it in fear.
Click to expand...

This comment goes against all of the literature I have read regarding the progression of schizophrenia. Very often people beginning to suffer from schizophrenia realize it and reach out for help. It seems very much to me that you have advised on a potentially life-threatening topic without substantial knowledge to base your advice on.
Click to expand...


Ok sorry, i have never read anything about that
Click to expand...
:shock: I find this nonchalance alarming, to say the least. :shock:

If you don't know, then maybe it's best that in threads that have ominous undertones or other potentially real cries for help you abstain from posting. I just got around to reading this thread and must say that I found your initial post quite alarming. One of the unfortunate consequences of the War on [people who use certain] Drugs is that many people feel they cannot be open with various health providers or other important individuals in their own lives. When someone comes to the Nexus asking for legitimate help and/or advice in matters that seem to be critically intertwined with their physical or mental well-being, it is best to abstain from giving advice unless you are familiar with the scenario or circumstances they are facing.

I do not mean to imply that anyone should restrict their speech, nor do i desire to create a "chilling effect" on potentially important discussions, but this was a fairly obvious case where "Abstain from psychoactives" is the only correct response from a non-medically licensed individual and "do what you want, the interpretation is up to you" should be seen as akin to telling a new driver that red means "go". It is an unfortunate side effect of prohibition, but as things stand, we are the first line of defense against entheogenic mishaps and we must not bear this burden lightly.

peace
SB
 
I second that SnozzleBerry. At the risk of beating a dead horse, try and be less cavalier when dealing with someone else's well being. We're all just recommending abstinence and professional help with his best interests at heart, leaving aside all peripheral and potentially harmful dogma.

Anyway this is really only an aside to collingwood's post. Let us know how you're doing collingwood. There are a lot of people here who can help you out.
Cheers,
JBArk
 
Capt_Bones: Well don't worry I'm not upset or feel like you're giving me bad advice. I've gone back and forth because I just can't identify strongly one way or another, and understand too well that it's my responsibility to interpret for myself. Thanks for being brave about how you feel, because I know you're posting here for my sake. That's really appreciated very much, bro.

And everyone else, I'm really very touched by all your responses and advice. It's really easy for me to get far up in thought and wound around by my own considerations and interpretations, especially considering how many turns this has taken. If I told you all about every twist and turn, you'd be reading my book in a few years!

Actually, everything's gotten eerily quiet.. not silent, but I'm not sure what to make of it, so I'm suspicious.

I actually did something I might be scolded for, which was take a bunch of MDMA with my girlfriend one night. I divulged to her some things that had a significant impact on our relationship and will change things irreversibly, and I'm not sure that did anything for my 'situation', but it might have... but why would that be, since that is one conclusion I could consider by how things have changed since then?

At the end of that night, and the morning after, I percived the voices stronger; in fact, there were two, and they were quarreling. Of course, I didn't take anything literally of what I heard, and did my best not to listen at all, but I was distraught that it seemed I had made a huge mistake. Only... within a few hours into the next morning, everything got eerily quiet again. So far that is where I'm at.

I still wonder, to be honest, if this is more than simply a psychotic break, or something that isn't described satisfactorily by the medical dictionary's definition of 'psychosis' - so not that it isn't psychosis, but that we understand too little of that distinction, which is reflected in our understanding that it can be so simply described under a singular heading? I don't know if I'm going to end up worse or better, but the situation changes daily, and thankfully i'm still inclined to wash myself and preserve my relationships. I have an appointment tomorrow with a psychologist who also works with a technical understanding of energy (in terms of how people are 'essentially energetic'). I've always been a skeptic, but I really don't know if I can say I know anything for sure anymore, so this will be a trial run. I don't have any cognitive confusion and the voice itself isn't actually 'audible', unlike how it is for schizophrenics.

Again, I come back here and read up on your guys' advice pretty often, so thanks again, it's really a great thing for me!
 
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