Hello all,
First, for my nick name. It was quagmire back in the 90's. I used it primarily as a gamer tag to mean you were getting into a sticky situation. My life has seem to pretty much always been so, my path always seeming to give way underneath me. Family Guy destroyed this for me years later, with giggity, giggity, giggity. Quagmire came to represent a man with an obscenely large head and a likewise, perverted personality.
I started my journey back in my early childhood, as an introvert that could not make sense of the world outside myself. I entered into my cocoon at a very early age. I started smoking weed at about 15 and stuck with that for about 3-4 years. I enjoyed the numbness it let me feel. I went on for years but saw no release, I started looking for something else.
At around 18 I had my first coke experience, I had all the answers, I figured it all out. The next morning I awoke and I remembered the night before, I knew I knew all the answers but did not have them with me now. This was really the start of my journey as a seeker. From here I consumed books, read everything I could get my hands on that would lead me to some greater inner truth.
What I found, was tools, lots of tools, meditation, focusing, prayer, enhanced through drugs I experienced many a wild thing, many things that most would have to be on psychedelics to see or even grasp, it was a wonderful chaotic time for me but I was still locked in this unanswered, oppressive cage I had created for myself.
My breakthrough came at around 19, I should know the year, but I don't. My manic depressive, drug using father was in a car accident and was expected to die. In that moment I made a choice not to live for him anymore and in an instant I was liberated, even now it gives me the chills. A thousand things that had mattered no longer mattered, all the searching, all the tools I had acquired came to bear on that moment.
Unfortunately, at this point the only direction I had was inward, outwardly my world was a mess, I was addicted to drugs and the things in my life. I ended up in a bit of trouble and in the end sober. From there I was sober for the most part, for a few years. I had never forgotten any of what I learned but rather than chasing illusive truth I came to live in the world with the things I had already knew.
I spent about the better part of 20 years using not illegal substances. I had a spinal injury and took pain pills for 3-4 years, went 5 years without them after surgery, got in a car accident in 2006 and have been taking a pain pill, pretty much daily, ever since due to chronic pain. My spine is fused at l5-s1.
Over the last couple years 10 years I have had the rare opportunity to get high and in those rare cases I has some mind blowing experiences. I never stopped trying to discipline my mind and as a result was able, to the most part, step right back into any occasional usage and have a great experience.
This last new years I had one of those experiences, stoned, standing around a camp fire, with 15 or so people, off in my own world, coming to revelation. I committed to take my time back. I focus 2 hours a day in my commute, I walk an hour or more a day at work with the goal of contemplation and silencing my mind. I spend most waking moments in thoughts most people seem to caught up to ever have.
Where I am now, I have spent 40 years tearing myself down and building myself back up. I have transitioned through life, never looking back. I have piles of writing and want to produce a book on my reflections on the path. My goal, to write about the answer I did not find when I was searching for the truth.
My ultimate goal, to find my freedom in this life, through writing or other creation as to not be bound to work for another, making my contribution as such, to make my way.
My fried, know here as nodice, comes back into my life, 20 years ago we was one of my stoner friends I left behind in one of my great transitions. I made a number of such transitions and he is truly the first to come back into my life. Aside from, wife and family I have had no long-term relationships carry over through the first 28ish years of my life.
Turns out, after moving all over, we are about 30 minutes from each other, but in the California sierra mountains. He explains his life changing experience to me. I too try and catch him up on the last 20 some odd years of my life. After a week of research I was committed to trying it. A week later Danny and I are at a local friends to partake of the experience.
I had a great location but I did not plan on the level of coldness that was present, this was the only down side to my first attempts at this. My first experience was a 50mg dose with my eyes open. It was mind blowing compared to other psychedelics I have done as it did not feel as if reality was distorted but crystal clear. In this experience I looked upon reality appearing to fold over on itself, recreating the reality I was seeing, in motion, alive, in a perpetual state.
I have to say, I wish I would have record both of my trips for reference, just to pull back some of those moments where I was more highly aware.
I felt a little vertigo and went back down to my friends, while it was fresh in my mind and shared as much as I could, what I had just seen. I have had a many great experience worth describing and this was top notch, right up there with the best of them.
I have spent most of my life seeing reality differently than most based on the inward search I started long ago. I do not feel as the walking dead, though I may still be, I see myself quite alive. My inner reality is a marvel, such as the experience of DMT was, on a daily basis. My journey now, how to give that back to the reality outside myself so that it may serve some other inner reality some purpose.
So my second trip, I lied down, but now it was too cold. I think this kept me from going to far, as far as I would have wanted in the experience, the air made me cough and the inability to fully relax made me giggle throughout the 15 minute excursion. It was grand though, I felt on the edge of something that was simply something else.
But every cough and giggle led to a realization I had pulled back and the comments came from me, damn, I should not be here. Here was to close back to what I have already known and too far from what I yet do not.
It was not in that moment that I figured out how grand my experience was but when I was again myself the next day. All of the work and effort I had put into myself and the world was suddenly more solidified, more clear, than it has ever been. For this I am forever grateful to my friend, nodice.
In the last 24 hours I have written myself my own revelations, as much I have daily for years but with clarity I have not previously known. This is always the case with stream of conscious discovery, so it seems to me, but the leap of clarity, to me, was beyond what I have known due to the place my DMT experience has put me. I need not try and describe my experience but the essence of my journey as one who seeks. I have had a migraine all day and just got rid of it an hour ago so I hope this was not too much.
If you would like to see my post DMT experience pondering pleas go check out my blog update from today:
http://seepasttheliesseebeyondthetr...llKA2G9Q&postId=8098554462208491776&type=POST
Look forward to gaining some insights here.
First, for my nick name. It was quagmire back in the 90's. I used it primarily as a gamer tag to mean you were getting into a sticky situation. My life has seem to pretty much always been so, my path always seeming to give way underneath me. Family Guy destroyed this for me years later, with giggity, giggity, giggity. Quagmire came to represent a man with an obscenely large head and a likewise, perverted personality.
I started my journey back in my early childhood, as an introvert that could not make sense of the world outside myself. I entered into my cocoon at a very early age. I started smoking weed at about 15 and stuck with that for about 3-4 years. I enjoyed the numbness it let me feel. I went on for years but saw no release, I started looking for something else.
At around 18 I had my first coke experience, I had all the answers, I figured it all out. The next morning I awoke and I remembered the night before, I knew I knew all the answers but did not have them with me now. This was really the start of my journey as a seeker. From here I consumed books, read everything I could get my hands on that would lead me to some greater inner truth.
What I found, was tools, lots of tools, meditation, focusing, prayer, enhanced through drugs I experienced many a wild thing, many things that most would have to be on psychedelics to see or even grasp, it was a wonderful chaotic time for me but I was still locked in this unanswered, oppressive cage I had created for myself.
My breakthrough came at around 19, I should know the year, but I don't. My manic depressive, drug using father was in a car accident and was expected to die. In that moment I made a choice not to live for him anymore and in an instant I was liberated, even now it gives me the chills. A thousand things that had mattered no longer mattered, all the searching, all the tools I had acquired came to bear on that moment.
Unfortunately, at this point the only direction I had was inward, outwardly my world was a mess, I was addicted to drugs and the things in my life. I ended up in a bit of trouble and in the end sober. From there I was sober for the most part, for a few years. I had never forgotten any of what I learned but rather than chasing illusive truth I came to live in the world with the things I had already knew.
I spent about the better part of 20 years using not illegal substances. I had a spinal injury and took pain pills for 3-4 years, went 5 years without them after surgery, got in a car accident in 2006 and have been taking a pain pill, pretty much daily, ever since due to chronic pain. My spine is fused at l5-s1.
Over the last couple years 10 years I have had the rare opportunity to get high and in those rare cases I has some mind blowing experiences. I never stopped trying to discipline my mind and as a result was able, to the most part, step right back into any occasional usage and have a great experience.
This last new years I had one of those experiences, stoned, standing around a camp fire, with 15 or so people, off in my own world, coming to revelation. I committed to take my time back. I focus 2 hours a day in my commute, I walk an hour or more a day at work with the goal of contemplation and silencing my mind. I spend most waking moments in thoughts most people seem to caught up to ever have.
Where I am now, I have spent 40 years tearing myself down and building myself back up. I have transitioned through life, never looking back. I have piles of writing and want to produce a book on my reflections on the path. My goal, to write about the answer I did not find when I was searching for the truth.
My ultimate goal, to find my freedom in this life, through writing or other creation as to not be bound to work for another, making my contribution as such, to make my way.
My fried, know here as nodice, comes back into my life, 20 years ago we was one of my stoner friends I left behind in one of my great transitions. I made a number of such transitions and he is truly the first to come back into my life. Aside from, wife and family I have had no long-term relationships carry over through the first 28ish years of my life.
Turns out, after moving all over, we are about 30 minutes from each other, but in the California sierra mountains. He explains his life changing experience to me. I too try and catch him up on the last 20 some odd years of my life. After a week of research I was committed to trying it. A week later Danny and I are at a local friends to partake of the experience.
I had a great location but I did not plan on the level of coldness that was present, this was the only down side to my first attempts at this. My first experience was a 50mg dose with my eyes open. It was mind blowing compared to other psychedelics I have done as it did not feel as if reality was distorted but crystal clear. In this experience I looked upon reality appearing to fold over on itself, recreating the reality I was seeing, in motion, alive, in a perpetual state.
I have to say, I wish I would have record both of my trips for reference, just to pull back some of those moments where I was more highly aware.
I felt a little vertigo and went back down to my friends, while it was fresh in my mind and shared as much as I could, what I had just seen. I have had a many great experience worth describing and this was top notch, right up there with the best of them.
I have spent most of my life seeing reality differently than most based on the inward search I started long ago. I do not feel as the walking dead, though I may still be, I see myself quite alive. My inner reality is a marvel, such as the experience of DMT was, on a daily basis. My journey now, how to give that back to the reality outside myself so that it may serve some other inner reality some purpose.
So my second trip, I lied down, but now it was too cold. I think this kept me from going to far, as far as I would have wanted in the experience, the air made me cough and the inability to fully relax made me giggle throughout the 15 minute excursion. It was grand though, I felt on the edge of something that was simply something else.
But every cough and giggle led to a realization I had pulled back and the comments came from me, damn, I should not be here. Here was to close back to what I have already known and too far from what I yet do not.
It was not in that moment that I figured out how grand my experience was but when I was again myself the next day. All of the work and effort I had put into myself and the world was suddenly more solidified, more clear, than it has ever been. For this I am forever grateful to my friend, nodice.
In the last 24 hours I have written myself my own revelations, as much I have daily for years but with clarity I have not previously known. This is always the case with stream of conscious discovery, so it seems to me, but the leap of clarity, to me, was beyond what I have known due to the place my DMT experience has put me. I need not try and describe my experience but the essence of my journey as one who seeks. I have had a migraine all day and just got rid of it an hour ago so I hope this was not too much.
If you would like to see my post DMT experience pondering pleas go check out my blog update from today:
http://seepasttheliesseebeyondthetr...llKA2G9Q&postId=8098554462208491776&type=POST
Look forward to gaining some insights here.
