Long-Term Healing

[Strigiform]

Hello friendly Nexians,

This past year has been intense. I have lurked a bit but mostly I have kept quiet. I had five special journeys with LSD in 2019, and each time I uncovered more hangups and junk from my past.

I have been diligent about integration, and not long after, regular therapy was added as well. I used to be so mean to myslelf, so careless and cruel. I was unlearning bad habits and fear-based living.

After an injury just before my fourth trip I was diagnosed with a chronic illness. A lot of "random" things started making sense.

The last trip, in late summer, uncovered a very deep topic of repression: my gender identity. It was pretty funny how the experience played out; I was teased, and my concerns were turned into puns against me. But during integration a lot more "random" and "awkward" preferences, and the "phases" I went through suddenly flipped inside out. Repression was the phase.

So yeah, a few things are different: I have enough self-love to buy new shoes if my old ones get holes in them. I have enough self-compassion that if I hurt or am real sick, I go to the doctor. When I'm having issues with my partner I talk it out I don't sit on it and let it rot me from the inside out for as long. I still struggle to look at myself in the mirror but I now understand why that is. I'm a little better with my partner, but she is having challenges with me being trans and is scared for what the next steps may look like, for my safety, health, etc. After months of therapy and research on my part I am eager to start treatment for transition. Life is taking a scary, different turn but some of the questions surriounding existential tiredness have been exposed as fatigue from repression! Fear has melted away, the absurd, irrational inner barriers and phobias are left.

I just wanted to share this little positive story to one of my favorite internet communities, because I did not expect this to occur as a result of open-minded, low-dose LSD explorations (I resisted in the moment, to be honest). Psychedelics are a powerful way to temporarily expose the nature of our programming, indoctrination, whatever you would like to call it, and allow us to approach matters from a different enough of a perspective to compel us to reconsider or change away from the bad ideas that harm us and the planet. Integration is very key to taking in the hints, getting the joke, and doing something positive. I spoke to my brother about psychedelics but the poor, silly man regards LSD and others as only lightshows and fireworks to enhance music. I'm sure you think different.

How have your journeys with ergot alkaloids (or others) helped you grow as a person? Did it take you in an unexpected direction?

 

[FranLover]

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

 

[Exitwound]

Psychedelics are a powerful way to temporarily expose the nature of our programming, indoctrination, whatever you would like to call it, and allow us to approach matters from a different enough of a perspective to compel us to reconsider or change away from the bad ideas that harm us and the planet. Integration is very key to taking in the hints, getting the joke, and doing something positive.

Wise words! :thumb_up: Glad you are on a path of life that you enjoy and thanks for sharing your story.

How have your journeys with ergot alkaloids (or others) helped you grow as a person? Did it take you in an unexpected direction?

It was psylocibes and DMT for me, but just like you said - indoctrinations exposed, world views shattered, different perspectives shown. Different tools, same result I would say

 

[Jungleheart]

Big news! Huge congratulations to you for doing the inner work and outer work. Thanks for sharing with us, I really do feel honored to be one of the first ones you told. I hope we can celebrate you, as you deserve! I feel that because you shared this with us it would also be fair for us to know your preferred pronouns, if you feel comfortable with that, because it's tough to tell definitively from your post.

I generally prefer she/her but on this forum enjoy going by they. That's because it's male dominated so sometimes feel like I accidentally slide into the role of spokesperson for females (not anyone's fault). But of course I still gal it up. My ideal world would have a lot more gender and sexual fluidity and experimentation, and think I wouldn't be able to have a partner who's not somewhat fluid as well.

Life really throws some stuff at us and I have to say without this forum I would be completely lost. If I can sort of point my future compass in a way that aligns with the mission and vision here, that will be a success.

Thanks again for sharing with us. I would absolutely be interested in any further reflections or experiences you would like to share as you go through this journey. And of course let us know what we can do to be supportive. And please feel free to reach out to me to chat directly, either in chat or inbox. Congrats again!

 

[Jungleheart]

I wish everyone would read this post and respond, but response seem disappointingly light, and it's probably for a few possible reasons:

- you buried the lead in your post
- they don't know what to say or aren't good at communicating sensitive subjects
- they don't want to accidentally say something offensive (rather than taking a risk and trying to learn)
- they haven't done reflection on own gender
- they don't have any insight or analysis on this subject

I do hope you find ways to celebrate your new start in real life!

 

[RoundAbout]

That's interesting. Psychedelics temporarily exposing programming rings true to me.

How have your journeys with ergot alkaloids (or others) helped you grow as a person? Did it take you in an unexpected direction?

I've had some very valuable (IMO) experiences with Morning Glory seeds, but I'd rather mention something about DMT that's always been curious to me. I'm male, and oral DMT has seemed to really enhance my perception of masculinity (and the body in general). But with a moderate dose of vaporized DMT I got a very strong and seemingly distinct sense that I was both genders simultaneously, and that they were in balance with one another. It did not seem at all like some sort of neutral state where I was neither gender. I thought it seemed like a more generalized form of consciousness or something... like some sort of higher, undifferentiated state. A novel experience for me that made me more open to some of the recent ideas about gender identity.

I can't even imagine saying any of this to anyone I know, lol. I guess that's what forums are good for.

 

[Jungleheart]

That's interesting. Psychedelics temporarily exposing programming rings true to me.

How have your journeys with ergot alkaloids (or others) helped you grow as a person? Did it take you in an unexpected direction?

I've had some very valuable (IMO) experiences with Morning Glory seeds, but I'd rather mention something about DMT that's always been curious to me. I'm male, and oral DMT has seemed to really enhance my perception of masculinity (and the body in general). But with a moderate dose of vaporized DMT I got a very strong and seemingly distinct sense that I was both genders simultaneously, and that they were in balance with one another. It did not seem at all like some sort of neutral state where I was neither gender. I thought it seemed like a more generalized form of consciousness or something... like some sort of higher, undifferentiated state. A novel experience for me that made me more open to some of the recent ideas about gender identity.

I can't even imagine saying any of this to anyone I know, lol. I guess that's what forums are good for.

I had a similar trip and then lived as different musicians for a while. It was great! Think it should be totally normal to have these conversations about feeling about both genders. I personally feel that I have to repress myself because it's not normal to express switching between two.

 

[xss27]

@OP Did you put the seed of gender identity into your own mind or did the therapist? I'm just curious to the origin of the seed.

I don't want to debate the following point really for various reasons, but I have to say it. I think you're making a mistake if you go with gender reassignment surgery. Your identification with the notion of gender identity and the concept of repression is the real issue here, and substitution of hormones and body parts doesn't and will not change that.

Gender identity is a misnomer. There is gender. Unless you're physically intersex, it's all im your mind.

 

[Jungleheart]

@OP Did you put the seed of gender identity into your own mind or did the therapist? I'm just curious to the origin of the seed.

I don't want to debate the following point really for various reasons, but I have to say it. I think you're making a mistake if you go with gender reassignment surgery. Your identification with the notion of gender identity and the concept of repression is the real issue here, and substitution of hormones and body parts doesn't and will not change that.

Gender identity is a misnomer. There is gender. Unless you're physically intersex, it's all im your mind.

There is extensive scientific research of gender being a product of hormones in the womb, as separate from sexual development. So unless you are anti-science, you might want to get on board.

How Early Hormones Shape Gender Development

Many important psychological characteristics show sex differences, and are influenced by sex hormones at different developmental periods. We focus on the role of sex hormones in early development, particularly the differential effects of prenatal androgens ...

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

 

[xss27]

This is science being motivated and funded by delusional individuals. From the posted abstract,

Increasing evidence confirms that prenatal androgens have facilitative effects on male-typed activity interests and engagement (including child toy preferences and adult careers), and spatial abilities, but relatively minimal effects on gender identity

Setting aside the fact that gender identity does not exist and is a wholly subjective state, the brain itself is plastic. Hormone levels in the womb does not equate into pressure for gender identity quandaries. If you give opposing high level hormones to an adult they will experience a shift in thought processes, it works, otherwise transitioning would just be physical mutilation alone. A child with slight tendencies towards opposite sex play rituals means absolutely nothing because when puberty sets in the brain will be bathed with the physically appropriate hormones that will set the course for life.

Nature is smart. Aside from intersex abnormality, incongruity can be rectified post-birth. There is no issue, it is not anti-science.

Edited. Didn't need the last throw in of calling people delusional and the 'spare me' talk. Watch it

 

[○]

This is turning into a mess given the sentences of a few folk in here, and the conversation's going nowhere; and now jungleheart is posting links to this thread in the main chat - which they have no place there, given the context of why she's presenting them to main chat in the first place.


*Unlocked

Only because I talked with Strigiform, and ultimately their OP was not the issue whatsoever, so they're owed that much at least to keep their own thread open, or at least reopen it for further potential conversation.

*RESPECTFUL COMMUNICATION*

 

[PlantTraveller]

Strigiform, thank you so much for sharing your experience. I hope you can continue your journey with love toward yourself

Tatt, thank you for reopening the thread.

I'd like to ask people to think with great care before they post in here, about whether what they're about to say is transphobic or not.

You don't need to understand science or prove anything scientifically to be compassionate and empathetic toward someone, and science doesn't excuse hate. Trans, non binary and "other types" (I say this with rolling eyes and sarcasm) of people have been around a lot longer than western science.

On this forum we talk about extracting and administering various molecules which many doctors and "normal people" would be appalled and shocked by. So we should all know better than to judge someone for their choices with regard to their gender expression.

Also: within society the issues of psychedelics and trans rights are intimately connected because they have to do with bodily autonomy...

 

[FranLover]

I'd like to ask people to think with great care before they post in here, about whether what they're about to say is transphobic or not.

 

[Strigiform]

The way the psychedelic state can call you out in ways you thought you "had dealt with already" was the thing I really wanted to focus on. The trans thing is sorta incidental, but I wanted to share my reply to xss27 and maybe expand on it, just briefly.

OP Did you put the seed of gender identity into your own mind or did the therapist? I'm just curious to the origin of the seed.

TL;DR: I didn't hire a therapist to tell me what to think.

When I was sitting on the couch near the peak, I had a sensation that I was floating above my body. I was relaxed; I turned to look at myself and found that I was female. No shock, no fear, LSD quashes those reactions, at least at first. I settled into my body and considered the form I had seen -- or was, I decided to sit and wonder if it was true now without moving a limb. Perhaps it always was true, and that was the point of the hallucination. I dwelled on the familiar quality of the feeling of feeling as though being in a female physical form before having a rational reaction: "No! Don't open this can of worms!"

But the LSD responded by making fun of me. Here I was, oh so "open minded" but this pretense was exposed. I had broken my intention to take in whatever I was to be shown and had reacted.

Rebuked and humbled, I took to a long arc of integration; I haven't dosed since that experience. I spent a lot of time thinking on this before mentioning it to the therapist. She was resistant and unprepared for gender discussion. But during integration, honestly looking back there were many signs that I wasn't fitting into the boy template. It's hard to describe, but once I put the fear and excuses aisde it was obvious.

I don't know if I'm intersex or not. All I know is that I'm not cisgender

Look y'all, I did not go into this LSD experience with the intention of having this gender knot exposed. I didn't have my mind set and the hopes I'd get a little affirmation fireworks show. This needed to come up, and it kinda makes some organic sense considering the course of the previous trips: I had built up a sense of self-worth, an acknowledgement of my vulnerability, an embodied sense that I was a part of nature, not apart from it. I hired a therapist, I took my health more seriously (the discovery of my chronic illness came up shortly after I started caring, and broke my hand). I was having no more part in cruelly pushing my meatsuit around. It was natural that the basis of that dissosocation between my sense of self, self-value, and my body was all about would come up during one of my trips.

Before that fifth and last trip I would have confidently sworn I was cis, and yes, I did think of these questions as behind me, even beneath me! My repression was crusting over into a bigotry the likes of which you might be familiar with in examples of infamously anti-gay bigots who were themselves, probably gay when caught in some act. This pattern of quick denying, with a bitter kernel of internal acknowledgement that I was choosing to do the cis as an act of self-preservation, had allowed me to gradually bully myself to forget the possibility of being transgender. Look at the fruits of compliance! Oooh.... Ahhh.... Money, respect, a nice job, good career prospects... A perfectly long life. And none of that spared me of discord. I had carefully navigated most of my 20's in a daze of fearful denial, existential exhaustion, a strange inability to looky myself in the mirror, and an eating disorder. All mysterious, hard to deal with on their own, but not worth looking into, really. I thought nobody would really like me, I have been seared with being called weird plenty of times.

In the process of integrating this last trip, it's like I can take deeper breaths than before, I'm a little more relaxed. Clumsy hammed-up swagger has softened, random cursing I thought helped roughen my edges has receded, and all these other little, awful things I put on for show have been excitedly discarded. Those moments where I stifle my earnest reaction, think up another, appropriate manly reaction, and act it out are less frequent. It's more bare metal these days.

I'm trying to worry less about what people think and more in terms of what my deep desires actually are. All the rationalizations and reasons and semi-scientific essentialism just didn't have the power to hold me at bay anymore. This is a problem I can either keep "dealing with" by begrudgingly knuckling under or I can do something radical and grow.

The transgender thing can be put aside, %s/trans/gay/g or whatever. The point is, I didn't expect to get called out, and I didn't expect to come out of what was in hindsight a challenging trip so exuberant.

TL;DR
The perspective alone demolished all doubts and hangups. I am still grappling with the lack of weight clinging to me. I hope one of your next journeys teaches you, humbles you, and utterly liberates you from something you have been running from this whole time, because it is better to run toward a goal than from a ghost.

 

[Jupitor]

Wow thank you for sharing. That is incredibly refreshing to hear such a personal and honest expression of your experience on this little discussed topic.

As per my own experience in relation to the subject-

The substance was not LSD, but I once had a very powerful journey in which I had inhabited an energetic body that was female. It glowed a warm golden color. I was floating in the universe. Suddenly I was approached by what can only be described as a powerful male god like figure, also made of pure energy that glowed a more silvery color and appeared as a powerful cosmic constellation in the form of a stag.

I then had the experience of being "fucked" by this male energetic figure as it entered my female energetic body. With each inhale of my breath, I was entered by its phallus and injected with powerful energy. And with each exhale, it retreated. It was incredibly pleasurable and invigorating. When I came out of the experience I was at complete peace and had a calm energy about me. I felt so alive. Balanced.

I have always identified as a cisgender male,and that has not changed at all, nor has it been called into question. However, I am left with a new appreciation for what it means to be male and how it is possible to use that energy in a most positive way. True masculinity is loving and GIVING. It nourishes and invigorates. Toxic masculinity is therefore selfish and TAKING.

It makes me think that maybe each of has as male and female energy, which is really just one energy. Perhaps it is merely the direction of its flow that defines the polarity (gender identity)...? Interesting thought anyway.

 

[dragonrider]

Strigiform, thank you so much for sharing your experience. I hope you can continue your journey with love toward yourself

Tatt, thank you for reopening the thread.

I'd like to ask people to think with great care before they post in here, about whether what they're about to say is transphobic or not.

You don't need to understand science or prove anything scientifically to be compassionate and empathetic toward someone, and science doesn't excuse hate. Trans, non binary and "other types" (I say this with rolling eyes and sarcasm) of people have been around a lot longer than western science.

On this forum we talk about extracting and administering various molecules which many doctors and "normal people" would be appalled and shocked by. So we should all know better than to judge someone for their choices with regard to their gender expression.

Also: within society the issues of psychedelics and trans rights are intimately connected because they have to do with bodily autonomy...

Though you are absolutely right, it IS important to respect eachother in spite of our differences, i think it is also very understandable why a discussion like this can become troubled so easily.

If we have to respect eachother, and respect eachothers feelings, than we also have to respect that to many people, the idea of rejecting or having to reject your own body, is a somewhat frightening thought, even if you do not have any "gender issues" yourself.

But almost anyone has to a certain extent "gender issues", because in life you hardly ever just "are".
We are not the person we are by sitting in a lazy chair, just "being". We are defined, very often at least, by the choices we make when we get out of that chair.
So that means, innevitably, that we are in many ways, responsible for who we are.

And to complicate it some more, society expects you to make certain choices, depending on what gender you are. Society always expects you to fit a certain role.
And to make it even more complicated, that role you are expected to play is always changing and never fixed.

And i don't see this as a negative thing perse. I think we will always be playing roles.

We are social animals. And all social animals play. Playing is part of being a social animal.
Playing is something, i think, most people like. It is, or can be, fun.
But just like with wolves, orcas or bonobo's, it is also dead serious.

It is a way to test eachother out, to challenge hierarchies, to find or consolidate our place in the world, and other people's places. To establish or consolidate relationships.

So that means that playing a role is nessecary. But there is always the threat that we would fail.

And even worse, most of us fail on a regular basis.

We are never the 100% perfect father, mother, daughter, son, brother, sister, lover, husband, wife, whatever.

So gender identity actually IS a "can of worms".

And don't blame soy. It has always been this way. There are millions of pages of literature to prove it.

 

[xss27]

I'd like to ask people to think with great care before they post in here, about whether what they're about to say is transphobic or not.

You don't need to understand science or prove anything scientifically to be compassionate and empathetic toward someone, and science doesn't excuse hate. Trans, non binary and "other types" (I say this with rolling eyes and sarcasm) of people have been around a lot longer than western science.

On this forum we talk about extracting and administering various molecules which many doctors and "normal people" would be appalled and shocked by. So we should all know better than to judge someone for their choices with regard to their gender expression.

Transphobic is a misnomer. It is not about an irrational fear of trans people, or hating them. I wish people would stop bastardising language with made up phrases to try and silence opposing points of view/people. Another example is the misnomer 'Islamophobic'. One can have legitimate and rational concerns about trans, or Islam. Trying to negate discussion by labelling the person as irrational is garbage thinking and belongs where it originated in political circles - psychedelic thinkers should know better.

I don't hate the OP. It is out of concern I suggest that pursuing physically altering the body and hormonal profile is not going to solve his woes and may cause more problems that it solves. The prevalence of suicide and mental illness amongst trans people clearly indicates that transitioning does not solve the underlying issues, and in my opinion that is because the issues have not been identified correctly. It is clearly a mental malady, a psychological issue, rather than any actual 'gender identity' crisis.

If there is any hate in me it is towards the psychologists and the field of psychology who are allowing this trans thing to spread like a virus without doing any sort of investigation on it, let alone basic questioning of it what so ever. It stands unopposed and in less than 10 years has exploded across the public domain, corporate culture, everywhere.That in itself shows modern psychology is not fit for purpose.

Personally I don't care what an adult chooses to do to themselves. That is their freedom. Why I feel strongly about this particular issue is because the political philosophy of trans has now spread to children, and we have to draw the line at that otherwise as a society we really are doomed and deserve to crash and burn. It is child abuse, period. And for that reason it is also why modern psychology is basically worthless. Many children are now basically a live experiment and that is absolutely repulsive.

LSD, psychedelics, are incredibly powerful agents. People go off the rails and think they're Jesus, a cliche example, but there is truth in the basic tenet. Psychedelics affect the mind, of which we understand so very little. They certainly allow thoughts in that are not from your essence, and it is for that reason why one should tread very, very carefully if they think they can get psychological 'healing' from them. Shamanism and entities as a cultural meme, thanks to McKenna, has influenced way too many people in the psychedelic community and they don't even know it.

When you're sick physically you retreat, you isolate, you rest and stop energy expenditure. Psychological healing requires the same approach of removing influences, not adding to them (psychedelics). Not that what I say will change your mind or anyone else's, but I recommend taking a step back, getting your head level, and re-evaluating before making any rash decision about 'gender identity'.

 

[dragonrider]

I'd like to ask people to think with great care before they post in here, about whether what they're about to say is transphobic or not.

You don't need to understand science or prove anything scientifically to be compassionate and empathetic toward someone, and science doesn't excuse hate. Trans, non binary and "other types" (I say this with rolling eyes and sarcasm) of people have been around a lot longer than western science.

On this forum we talk about extracting and administering various molecules which many doctors and "normal people" would be appalled and shocked by. So we should all know better than to judge someone for their choices with regard to their gender expression.

Transphobic is a misnomer. It is not about an irrational fear of trans people, or hating them. I wish people would stop bastardising language with made up phrases to try and silence opposing points of view/people. Another example is the misnomer 'Islamophobic'. One can have legitimate and rational concerns about trans, or Islam. Trying to negate discussion by labelling the person as irrational is garbage thinking and belongs where it originated in political circles - psychedelic thinkers should know better.

I don't hate the OP. It is out of concern I suggest that pursuing physically altering the body and hormonal profile is not going to solve his woes and may cause more problems that it solves. The prevalence of suicide and mental illness amongst trans people clearly indicates that transitioning does not solve the underlying issues, and in my opinion that is because the issues have not been identified correctly. It is clearly a mental malady, a psychological issue, rather than any actual 'gender identity' crisis.

If there is any hate in me it is towards the psychologists and the field of psychology who are allowing this trans thing to spread like a virus without doing any sort of investigation on it, let alone basic questioning of it what so ever. It stands unopposed and in less than 10 years has exploded across the public domain, corporate culture, everywhere.That in itself shows modern psychology is not fit for purpose.

Personally I don't care what an adult chooses to do to themselves. That is their freedom. Why I feel strongly about this particular issue is because the political philosophy of trans has now spread to children, and we have to draw the line at that otherwise as a society we really are doomed and deserve to crash and burn. It is child abuse, period. And for that reason it is also why modern psychology is basically worthless. Many children are now basically a live experiment and that is absolutely repulsive.

LSD, psychedelics, are incredibly powerful agents. People go off the rails and think they're Jesus, a cliche example, but there is truth in the basic tenet. Psychedelics affect the mind, of which we understand so very little. They certainly allow thoughts in that are not from your essence, and it is for that reason why one should tread very, very carefully if they think they can get psychological 'healing' from them. Shamanism and entities as a cultural meme, thanks to McKenna, has influenced way too many people in the psychedelic community and they don't even know it.

When you're sick physically you retreat, you isolate, you rest and stop energy expenditure. Psychological healing requires the same approach of removing influences, not adding to them (psychedelics). Not that what I say will change your mind or anyone else's, but I recommend taking a step back, getting your head level, and re-evaluating before making any rash decision about 'gender identity'.

This is a very complicated topic.

You may be right. But it could also be that there realy is such a thing as a fe-male brain in a male's body and viceversa.

It is true that there are psychiatric disorders that cause people to have a disturbed relationship with their body. The scariest example of this is known as "body integrity identity disorder", where people are convinced that a certain part of their body does not belong to them, and even seek for ways to get a limb amputated.
But there are many other examples.

I don't know to wich extent science has figured out yet, what transsexuality realy is.

I don't think you can completely reject the notion that it may actually exist, but i do agree that it should be open for discussion whether or not it is a real thing, or rather a symptom of an underlying psychiatric disorder.

I am not realy convinced that this is a political ideology, but transsexuality has become a politicised topic lately, like too many other things.

And that may prevent critical reflection, wich may be usefull.

People go to plastic surgeons with the strangest requests. And instead of sending these people on to psychiatrists, or even suggesting that psychiatric treatment may be more helpfull to them than endless surgeries to make them look exactly like madonna, justin bieber or elvis presley, these plastic surgeons are way too often more than willing to fullfill these outlandish requests.

On the other hand it can be said that some people realy are in need of plastic surgery because they have some disfigurement that realy causes an awfull lot of suffering to them.

So i think it would clearly be wrong if it would be a tabboo to raise the question. But as far as i know, science has not realy figured this out yet, so to categorically reject the possibility that someone could indeed have a different gender is either premature or unjust.

 

[SynKyd]

Welcome back to the nexus, Strigiform. I truly hope your heart is moving towards happiness for YOU.......take care of yourself and be true to your heart, the rest will all work out eventually.

Psychedelics represent a turning point for me in my journey, healing, and self awareness. I think each of the medicines I have tried has a different use in peeling back our complications and helping us see what we need to. At the end of the trip, we need to integrate and grow, take some breaks and reflect.

 

[PlantTraveller]

I've been working all day so I'm not able to take apart xxs27's post right now but I would like to state for the record that misgendering someone and spreading transphobic misinformation is not something I want to see on this forum. It doesn't belong here. If it stays, I go