upwaysidedown
Rising Star
Apologies for not filling out the Report Template, this was not my experience - but my wife's and so I do not feel qualified to fill in the minute details.
Suffice it to say that I prepared 200mg of Harmalas (extracted from Rue) dissolved in Orange juice, followed 30 minutes later by 50mg of DMT freebase also dissolved in orange juice.
The journey started to kick in we guess at about 15 minutes after that and lasted for about 3 hours with our discussions of the experience beginning then, however I would assume the effects lingered for an hour or so after that.
She had tried vaping many times, but because of choking found it hard and only really scratched the surface.
I suggested Pharmahuasca recently having read more about it, and the time was right for her to face some issues she wanted to face.
The following report is written in her own words, and she has given me permission to share it here. I felt her journey was so beautiful, and although quite personal - it contains messages for all of us. She has written it as if it was entirely meditative experience as she would rather not diarise specifics of substances involved but I have already explained those above.
---
I have been on a spiritually rocky path for some time now. Something I’ve lovingly dubbed my midlife catharsis. But I’ve felt for some time that the little bits of progress I had made were met with significant resistance, and that the changes were never permanent. There was something deep inside of me that sought to undo what I had done to heal.
I felt a growing need to do some internal work. To take a journey to the inside, to have that conversation with myself that I’d been fearing for so long, and so my soulmate and husband made some space for me to go and meditate.
I began by relaxing my body as I normally did. Autogenic relaxation: arms, legs, stomach, heart and face. I connected with my chakras, something I have always felt was clumsy and a bit hit and miss. Nevertheless, I did so in corpse position and then started to focus on the imagery appearing on the inside of my eyelids. For some time, the imagery would vanish before I could really focus, but after some time, the imagery began to take more solid form. It moved, yes, but I could focus on the detail. Glorious dancing geometry, undulating with the breathing of the universe. A voice, a higher me [HM], chided me gently. I was in corpse pose when I should be in fetal position and so I shifted. HM felt I was ready then for a discussion. A discussion with myself that was long overdue. Every time my mind wandered into the path of sleep, HM would bring me back to the dancing geometry, back to being face to face (metaphorically) with the thoughts of my wiser, higher self.
Me: “This is hard work. Can’t you just show me stuff and fix me in my sleep?”
HM: “You wanted to break through your impasse. That means staying here and talking to me.”
Me: “But - you’re just me. What if I’m just telling myself what I want to hear?”
HM: silence
Me: “How am I supposed to take myself seriously?”
HM: “shut up and listen.”
Me: “OK”
HM: “So you know all about the One consciousness, right? Seeking to hide the awful truth that It is alone but splitting itself up into teeny tiny souls that are made to forget about being part of the whole? Well that’s not entirely the truth. There is something The One wants, and the entire purpose of reality is to deliver it. Yes, the One is lonely. A loneliness so vast and bottomless, it would break your heart to fathom it. But The One seeks the only thing that can make it whole. Another One to love. And for the Other One to exist and not be simply another part of The One, there must be love. Think matter and anti-matter. They annihilate each-other when they touch, and so something must hold them apart, and yet together. That something is love. Our entire purpose is to create that love so that there is enough to create and sustain the Other One.”
Me: “Whoah... “
HM: “Yeah, right?! Oh and one thing. Get up. You need the toilet. I’ll still be here when you get back”
When I got up, I found my face and pillow wet with tears. I had no idea why but I was soon to find out.
Me: “I’m back in fetal position. Are you still there?”
HM: Yarp. Ok so we were talking about love. Love never divides. It doubles. And doubles and doubles. There is enough love in all of us to make this love story for The One happen, but only if we all realise this simple truth. No matter where you are and how bad things get, all you need to do to get back on track is to feel the love and ride it through.
Your really big hurdle is that you are so afraid of loss that you stem the flow of your love. And so it doesn’t grow. You use your failures to drive swords into your heart. Your guilt and self-hate are not allowing that love to flow, and it’s frankly a waste of your energy. You must first connect with your love for each of your loved ones. Your parents, your children, your husband, your brother, his family, your husband’s family… And when you connect, you must do so in full knowledge that you could lose them, and still not fear loving them unconditionally and completely.
Me: “but this is painful. This is not comfortable at all. And I’m crying. Lots. I’m not sure I can endure it. Can I endure it?”
HM: “Yes, you can endure it. Think of it as a volcano full of lava. That lava is your love. It’s powerful, strong, and potentially destructive. But if you learn to ride it, surf it, you can use its power.”
Me: “Surfing on lava. Sounds… risky.”
HM: Just go with it for now. First we’ve got to practice. Think about your parents. Your dad and your love for him.
I visualised my father, somehow as a little boy, growing up in hurt and abandonment and abuse after the loss of his mother. My heart welled up. It was almost unbearable. As if my higher self was holding my heart above the mouth of the volcano. The pain, oh it was real, so real..
HM: ok so you’ve connected with that love, let it flow. Don’t stop. Let it flow and ride with it. And when you’ve done that, do the same with your mother, and all of your loved ones.
Tears overflowing, my heart breaking over and over, I began to see that in allowing the love to flow once more, rather than the trickle I allowed myself to feel in order to not feel the pain, I was able to come to terms with my guilt for not having been able to help my parents - or save them from their misery. I turned to the love lava for my sons, who I feared to love too much because of my terror at the thought of losing them. Tears were in full flow streaming down my face at this point, there was so much love I felt I would drown. But then I allowed myself to accept it, and ride with it, and the overwhelming feeling subsided. The love was there, but I was getting used to it. Surfing it. Then I turned to thinking of my husband, who I pushed away because I thought his love for me was only because I didn’t let him see the real me. I let the love flow once more, and forgave myself for not trusting his love more. I was riding the lava, and for once, it did not burn, it did not hurt, it felt… ok. I didn’t run from it this time.
I thought of my brother and all he was going through with my sister-in-law’s illness. Opened the floodgates and let the lava flow through. He needed me to be his big sister because our own parents were so mired in their own private hells, he could not rely on them. I could be there for him. I felt I could do that now.
And after working through my loved ones I finally arrived at myself. The most difficult one in the world for me to love and forgive. Anxiety rose but HM steeled me once more. Grounded me. Connected me with the one aspect of myself I could love without reproach or guilt first. Three-year-old me. The innocent wee thing who would talk to complete strangers from behind the front gate of the garden, spreading love and happiness freely. I felt bad for her and the little betrayals she experienced growing up that told her she had to hide that love. But I realised how easy it was to love her, and then thought of teenage me. How the self-harming, self-hating girl who always ate alone in the school dinner hall retreated into herself. How I felt love for that girl, wishing I could just make her see that she was worthy of love. Student me, falling for a boy who I thought could never be mine, feeling a failure to parents who wanted me to be someone I was not, convincing myself I could never deserve to feel pleasure or love.. Yes I loved her too. More importantly, I was finding myself accepting myself more and more. And forgiving myself the mistakes of the past, and of the future.
HM: And now you know. The more you love yourself, the more you can hear me. Your self-hate has had me shouting and screaming at you for decades. Find the love, ride the love and I’ll be here. Those destructive beliefs, they’re like calcifications. They try to hold still what really needs to flow. Love must flow to everyone and everything, and it must also flow back to you. Keep practising. Our time is nearly up. Remember, connect with the love and you can let go of all that bad stuff. The layers of fat, the allergies, your immune system, the things you created to hide from yourself. From me. It can all go away now. Just keep working at it. One more thing.
Me: Oh?
HM: The goddess thing. All this time you’ve been seeking out Kali.. wanting to channel her. Well helloo!! No need to channel. She’s you. And she’s me. And she’ll come out when you focus on the love.
Me: Kali has a good amount of shame and guilt built into her you know. Like me. She made herself black so as not to blind the world with her brilliance.
HM: well you can turn the brilliance back up now. You’ve got stuff to do and there’s no time to be coy. And our time is up.
Me: Will we be able to speak again?
HM: ride the love back to me. I’ll be there and it won’t feel so lonely this time. The love will make the difference.
Me: “this all sounds very hippy. People will think I’m nuts if I talk about this stuff. Right?”
Silence.
Me: “Hello??”
Silence. The dreaming was done
Initial day-after thoughts:
Celestial maths: 1 add 1, without love equals 1. Or worse. Zero.
Suffice it to say that I prepared 200mg of Harmalas (extracted from Rue) dissolved in Orange juice, followed 30 minutes later by 50mg of DMT freebase also dissolved in orange juice.
The journey started to kick in we guess at about 15 minutes after that and lasted for about 3 hours with our discussions of the experience beginning then, however I would assume the effects lingered for an hour or so after that.
She had tried vaping many times, but because of choking found it hard and only really scratched the surface.
I suggested Pharmahuasca recently having read more about it, and the time was right for her to face some issues she wanted to face.
The following report is written in her own words, and she has given me permission to share it here. I felt her journey was so beautiful, and although quite personal - it contains messages for all of us. She has written it as if it was entirely meditative experience as she would rather not diarise specifics of substances involved but I have already explained those above.
---
I have been on a spiritually rocky path for some time now. Something I’ve lovingly dubbed my midlife catharsis. But I’ve felt for some time that the little bits of progress I had made were met with significant resistance, and that the changes were never permanent. There was something deep inside of me that sought to undo what I had done to heal.
I felt a growing need to do some internal work. To take a journey to the inside, to have that conversation with myself that I’d been fearing for so long, and so my soulmate and husband made some space for me to go and meditate.
I began by relaxing my body as I normally did. Autogenic relaxation: arms, legs, stomach, heart and face. I connected with my chakras, something I have always felt was clumsy and a bit hit and miss. Nevertheless, I did so in corpse position and then started to focus on the imagery appearing on the inside of my eyelids. For some time, the imagery would vanish before I could really focus, but after some time, the imagery began to take more solid form. It moved, yes, but I could focus on the detail. Glorious dancing geometry, undulating with the breathing of the universe. A voice, a higher me [HM], chided me gently. I was in corpse pose when I should be in fetal position and so I shifted. HM felt I was ready then for a discussion. A discussion with myself that was long overdue. Every time my mind wandered into the path of sleep, HM would bring me back to the dancing geometry, back to being face to face (metaphorically) with the thoughts of my wiser, higher self.
Me: “This is hard work. Can’t you just show me stuff and fix me in my sleep?”
HM: “You wanted to break through your impasse. That means staying here and talking to me.”
Me: “But - you’re just me. What if I’m just telling myself what I want to hear?”
HM: silence
Me: “How am I supposed to take myself seriously?”
HM: “shut up and listen.”
Me: “OK”
HM: “So you know all about the One consciousness, right? Seeking to hide the awful truth that It is alone but splitting itself up into teeny tiny souls that are made to forget about being part of the whole? Well that’s not entirely the truth. There is something The One wants, and the entire purpose of reality is to deliver it. Yes, the One is lonely. A loneliness so vast and bottomless, it would break your heart to fathom it. But The One seeks the only thing that can make it whole. Another One to love. And for the Other One to exist and not be simply another part of The One, there must be love. Think matter and anti-matter. They annihilate each-other when they touch, and so something must hold them apart, and yet together. That something is love. Our entire purpose is to create that love so that there is enough to create and sustain the Other One.”
Me: “Whoah... “
HM: “Yeah, right?! Oh and one thing. Get up. You need the toilet. I’ll still be here when you get back”
When I got up, I found my face and pillow wet with tears. I had no idea why but I was soon to find out.
Me: “I’m back in fetal position. Are you still there?”
HM: Yarp. Ok so we were talking about love. Love never divides. It doubles. And doubles and doubles. There is enough love in all of us to make this love story for The One happen, but only if we all realise this simple truth. No matter where you are and how bad things get, all you need to do to get back on track is to feel the love and ride it through.
Your really big hurdle is that you are so afraid of loss that you stem the flow of your love. And so it doesn’t grow. You use your failures to drive swords into your heart. Your guilt and self-hate are not allowing that love to flow, and it’s frankly a waste of your energy. You must first connect with your love for each of your loved ones. Your parents, your children, your husband, your brother, his family, your husband’s family… And when you connect, you must do so in full knowledge that you could lose them, and still not fear loving them unconditionally and completely.
Me: “but this is painful. This is not comfortable at all. And I’m crying. Lots. I’m not sure I can endure it. Can I endure it?”
HM: “Yes, you can endure it. Think of it as a volcano full of lava. That lava is your love. It’s powerful, strong, and potentially destructive. But if you learn to ride it, surf it, you can use its power.”
Me: “Surfing on lava. Sounds… risky.”
HM: Just go with it for now. First we’ve got to practice. Think about your parents. Your dad and your love for him.
I visualised my father, somehow as a little boy, growing up in hurt and abandonment and abuse after the loss of his mother. My heart welled up. It was almost unbearable. As if my higher self was holding my heart above the mouth of the volcano. The pain, oh it was real, so real..
HM: ok so you’ve connected with that love, let it flow. Don’t stop. Let it flow and ride with it. And when you’ve done that, do the same with your mother, and all of your loved ones.
Tears overflowing, my heart breaking over and over, I began to see that in allowing the love to flow once more, rather than the trickle I allowed myself to feel in order to not feel the pain, I was able to come to terms with my guilt for not having been able to help my parents - or save them from their misery. I turned to the love lava for my sons, who I feared to love too much because of my terror at the thought of losing them. Tears were in full flow streaming down my face at this point, there was so much love I felt I would drown. But then I allowed myself to accept it, and ride with it, and the overwhelming feeling subsided. The love was there, but I was getting used to it. Surfing it. Then I turned to thinking of my husband, who I pushed away because I thought his love for me was only because I didn’t let him see the real me. I let the love flow once more, and forgave myself for not trusting his love more. I was riding the lava, and for once, it did not burn, it did not hurt, it felt… ok. I didn’t run from it this time.
I thought of my brother and all he was going through with my sister-in-law’s illness. Opened the floodgates and let the lava flow through. He needed me to be his big sister because our own parents were so mired in their own private hells, he could not rely on them. I could be there for him. I felt I could do that now.
And after working through my loved ones I finally arrived at myself. The most difficult one in the world for me to love and forgive. Anxiety rose but HM steeled me once more. Grounded me. Connected me with the one aspect of myself I could love without reproach or guilt first. Three-year-old me. The innocent wee thing who would talk to complete strangers from behind the front gate of the garden, spreading love and happiness freely. I felt bad for her and the little betrayals she experienced growing up that told her she had to hide that love. But I realised how easy it was to love her, and then thought of teenage me. How the self-harming, self-hating girl who always ate alone in the school dinner hall retreated into herself. How I felt love for that girl, wishing I could just make her see that she was worthy of love. Student me, falling for a boy who I thought could never be mine, feeling a failure to parents who wanted me to be someone I was not, convincing myself I could never deserve to feel pleasure or love.. Yes I loved her too. More importantly, I was finding myself accepting myself more and more. And forgiving myself the mistakes of the past, and of the future.
HM: And now you know. The more you love yourself, the more you can hear me. Your self-hate has had me shouting and screaming at you for decades. Find the love, ride the love and I’ll be here. Those destructive beliefs, they’re like calcifications. They try to hold still what really needs to flow. Love must flow to everyone and everything, and it must also flow back to you. Keep practising. Our time is nearly up. Remember, connect with the love and you can let go of all that bad stuff. The layers of fat, the allergies, your immune system, the things you created to hide from yourself. From me. It can all go away now. Just keep working at it. One more thing.
Me: Oh?
HM: The goddess thing. All this time you’ve been seeking out Kali.. wanting to channel her. Well helloo!! No need to channel. She’s you. And she’s me. And she’ll come out when you focus on the love.
Me: Kali has a good amount of shame and guilt built into her you know. Like me. She made herself black so as not to blind the world with her brilliance.
HM: well you can turn the brilliance back up now. You’ve got stuff to do and there’s no time to be coy. And our time is up.
Me: Will we be able to speak again?
HM: ride the love back to me. I’ll be there and it won’t feel so lonely this time. The love will make the difference.
Me: “this all sounds very hippy. People will think I’m nuts if I talk about this stuff. Right?”
Silence.
Me: “Hello??”
Silence. The dreaming was done
Initial day-after thoughts:
Celestial maths: 1 add 1, without love equals 1. Or worse. Zero.
