dragon-n
Rising Star
man i'm thankful to be alive.
that was the stupidest thing i've ever done, though to be fair, i had no way of knowing what would happen.
MDAI, for those who don't know, is a selective serotonin releaser with mild empathogenic effects.
MDMA releases both dopamine and serotonin, (which accounts for a stronger, more blissed-out experience) and because of that, is associated with neurotoxicity.
apparently, substances that only release serotonin (without releases dopamine) do not cause the neurotoxicity that MDMA is so famous for.
the way this expresses itself in real life is that MDAI is only a subtly enjoyable experience on it's own, though no toxic effects are felt.
on it's own MDAI is possibly one of the most benign molecules i've ever tried.
there is a mild hangover, but it expresses itself as a drained serotonin experience (more emotionally unstable, feeling rather drab for no reason) rather than a body-aching toxic hangover.
aco-dipt, is also, one it's own, one of the most benign feeling molecules i've ever tried, either natural or synthetic.
after having an uncomfortable heart rate on 2c-e a while back i started checking my pulse while tripping on different medicines to see how my body reacts to them and which ones are the most benign, in that regard.
my normal BPM (beats per minute) is 65. 2c-b and aco-dipt only get my heart up to like 85 or so. that uncomfortable 2c-e trip i mentioned was 110. that's the most i've ever felt my heart race and it was already very unnerving at 110.
when i combined MDAI with aco-dipt i started realizing that someone was very wrong at about the 45 point...i started getting very concerned and serious. intuitively the phrase "serotonin syndrome" flashed through my mind.
i wasn't sure, but it started to definitely feel like it.
upon researching later i found this line that made me feel like such a dumb-ass, "combining serotonin receptor drugs (tryptamines) with serotonin releaser drugs (MDAI) can trigger a serious and potentially life-threatening serotonin syndrome..."
this line, among others, made me see with such clarity that the reaction i had was not due to either aco-dipt OR mdai alone but a combination of the two.....especially since i've taken each of them separate a few times with zero negative reactions.
about an hour after dosing (18 mgs aco-dipt with 80 mgs MDAI) something is seriously wrong and i know it.
my girlfriend asks if i'm okay and i have to admit that i don't think i am and that i need help or a miracle.
my heart rate at this point is beating soooo fast. faster than i've ever even known a heart could beat and not explode.
my blood pressure at this point is pumping so uncomfortably hard too....i could actually see my heart jumping out of my chest and could see the blood flowing through my skin when i looked at veins in my neck or arm.
i'm tripping too hard at this point to check my pulse for a minute so i check it for 20 seconds and then do the math.
oh shiiiiiit. i'm at around 140 to 150 BPM!!!
immediately i see everything i've ever done wrong to get to this point.
all my stupid psychedelic restlessness causing me to dose all these wacky combos in wacky amounts.
all the striving and searching for experiences that just inevitably fade and i'm left chasing after colored lights like some sort of astral junky.
is it worth death?? they sure saved my life when i was younger but what are they REALLY doing for me now??
is there really a justification for continuing to put myself in the "line of fire??"
like Allan Watts said, "when you get the message, hang up the phone."
sometimes i feel like i'm just restlessly chasing after a bliss that i know won't come from the UPS and DOWNS of any drug experience.
anyway, i look to God and say, "I GET IT. I TOTALLY GET IT. if this is a karmic lesson to be learned than i GET IT. there is no need to make me go through death to see my error." just looking at my heart rate for 1 second made me totally understand the importance of life.
i couldn't live with my soul knowing that i'd left my girlfriend and friends behind on this earth plane because of some stupid mistake i'd made.
suddenly i saw all my justifications, "oh they're just psychedelics! they're not harmful or anything."
but that reasoning can easily slip over into dosing synthetic psychedelics too...and hey, even synthetic psychedelic combos!!
our bodies are more fragile than we think and these medicines are too powerful to thrown blanket statements at.
so i have identified my life with some sort of agenda to prove by saying psychedelics are medicines and here i am possibly dying the same way a heroin addict dies. what do i know about the mind or anything?!?! NOTHING!!
we don't even know what happens when we take drugs but we think, "awww no biggie....i got it under control."
i tell my girlfriend, "this is out of my control. i need help. call 911 and ask if there are ways to buffer a serotonin syndrome crisis."
the ambulance arrives in just 5 minutes and they start bombarding me with questions. i am tripping quite strongly but am sober enough to participate with them in an intelligent manner. they ask what i took. not wanting to confuse them with unnecessary trivia that they would know nothing about, and also not wanting aco-dipt to go into their books, i say, "i took mushrooms and MDAI."
they don't know what MDAI is so i say, "it's action is as a potent serotonin releaser, similar to antidepressants or something like that. i don't feel toxic effects from the drugs as much as i just feel a heart-rate crisis from the combo that i want to be sure is not escalating."
they take my heart rate and blood pressure and agree that it's too high for me to be left alone.
still sober-headed enough to not want to pay 4,000 dollars for this hospital visit if i survive, i ask, "can my girlfriend drive me to the ER?"
they say, "if you go with her, we can't monitor you, and that seems too dangerous at this point." i understood. i thanked all the paramedics for helping me and collapsed onto the stretcher.
at this point it was an hour and a half after dosing so i was starting to get more confident about my survival thinking, "surely i could've died by now if the drugs wanted me to." i tell my girlfriend, "i think i'm gonna make it...they will take care of me."
i don't say that with much confidence but i'm not feeling 100% doomed anymore.
it feels very good to be vulnerable when you're in a professional's hands.
they certainly have no idea how to talk to or comfort people who are tripping, but HEY, at least they know how to look after my vital signs!!!
the drive over to the hospital was sort of blurry...i wasn't losing consciousness but i was tripping so hard at this point that the whole world just turned to psychedelic soup. i couldn't tell the difference between the paramedic talking to me or talking to someone else or the sirens blaring.
it all just merged into multicolored hyper crisis on all levels.
once i was on the hospital bed there came another burst of activity with them hooking me up to their machines and questioning me again.
"what did you take?" "are you dizzy?" "are you nauseous?" "where did you get these mushrooms from?"
i tried to explain the best i could that i don't think i'm reacting from the mushrooms i think i'm experiencing serotonin syndrome from the release of serotonin from the MDAI.
they agree that i probably am, but they still want to assess the situation on all levels.
after a minute everyone vanished and i'm just left alone for about 10 minutes.
then a doctor comes in and says, "so what can we do for you?"
"well, i don't really know. the only reason i called is because my heart rate felt too high. if my heart is okay then i'm not really worried about anything else...i know i didn't overdose in the sense of toxicity."
the doctor says, "well we need to run some blood samples to be sure and we'll also want to do a urine sample to check for liver poisoning."
i'm starting to get my wits about me and i recognize that he's just trying to get me to pay for more services.
my whole interactions with all the doctors that night were colored with only one thing, "GIVE US MORE MONEY!!"
i said, "what are the blood tests for? what are the urine samples for? i want to understand why you doing them is necessary for my heart rate to not climb."
"well you did take mushrooms so their could be liver poisoning."
"i'm not worried about liver poisoning."
he pauses for a minute and says, "look we have to do blood tests. do you approve?"
at this point i'm like, "NO I DON'T APPROVE."
i could feel irritation in his voice as he said, "FINE, will you at least allow us to run a saline solution through your blood to lower blood pressure?"
"absolutely, thank you," i said with a sweet smile. now THAT sounds like it could actually help me!!
all those other things seemed beside the point.
so now they are leaving me alone for like 15-20 minutes at a time before coming into my room just to try to get me to do more tests!!
i'm still thinking i could die at this point so i'm kinda translating their absence with fear.
then all of a sudden it hit me: the reason why they are not in here is because there is NOTHING WRONG WITH ME ANYMORE!!!!!!
the only reason they would leave my side is because they can see that my heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing are normalizing and not sporadic.
shortly after that realization i felt "the crisis" stop in my body.
i distinctly felt, at about the 2 hour point, my body "turn down a notch" and become calmer.
THAT'S ALL I WAS LOOKING FOR!!!!!!!! I'M GONNA MAKE IT! I KNOW I AM!!!!
with my newly found confidence i had a huge smile as the doctor came in again.
at this point it was kinda fun just tripping in a hospital bed...i'm glad i wasn't on acid though, i'll tell you that!
he started saying, "look we're worried that you might die, we need to do tests."
i asked, "what is my heart rate like now?"
he said, "well sometimes i gets down to 108 and fluctuates up to about 115."
"so it's going down then?!?!?!?!"
"well yes, it's going down, but there still could be problems."
at this point i'm just ecstatic to be alive and don't care what he's saying to me about whatever else he thinks is wrong with me.
intuitively i feel like my heart rate crisis was the only matter that needed to be solved here.
so i said, "i want to be released."
he said, "you want to be released even though you could die??"
i said, "i feel fine, my body feels fine, everything is stabilizing, i just need to come down now."
interesting to see how much he tried to instill fear in me about my condition.
maybe he was just doing his job, but there were certain things he said to me that just plain sounded like he was trying to induce fear.
i felt blessed to be one of the few people who goes into a hospital with a questioning mind instead of the usual surrender when most people just hand their lives over unquestioningly to the "medical authorities."
now don't get me wrong, if i felt like something was wrong i would've done what they said. but my body didn't feel like anything else was wrong after my heart went down.
in fact i didn't even suffer a hangover from the experience (besides a drained serotonin feeling).
no headache. no body ache. no tiredness.
my heart felt a little sore but that was understandable.
this was definitely the most traumatic thing i've ever experienced and i actually felt flashback-type experiences coming back to me in meditation the next couple days. i just looked at all the sadness head-on and said, "i accept what happened and will never let it happen again. there is no need to feel guilt or shame."
after crying a little bit i felt a lot better.
and my serotonin levels are back to normal again. (like they always are after 2 days.)
so i set some rules for myself that i'm more than happy to keep:
rule 1) NO DRUG COMBOS ANYMORE......that's an easy one.
rule 2) NO MORE NEW DRUGS.....fine, i've already got plenty of good ones.
rule 3) NO MORE COMPULSIVELY TRIPPING FOR THE HELL OF IT....that one might be harder to follow but as long as i follow rules 1 and 2 first than tripping compulsively will never result in hyper-crisis!!
rule 4) NO TRIPPING FOR AT LEAST A MONTH....this is just to give myself some breathing room to integrate what happened this weekend. to be honest i don't even really want to trip for a long time. i want to get my head on straight and learn to appreciate being here, in this earth plane without compulsively seeking escape or release.
please be careful friends. there was no way to predict that this would've happened from trying the drugs separately.
don't try combos that people have never tried before!!!! and even try to stay away from those! why risk it?
it's just not worth it, and you'll know that the moment you look a 150 BPM heart-rate in the face!!!
peace, love, and gratitude to you nexus friends. i'm happy to report that i'm still kickin' and you didn't lose me!!
that was the stupidest thing i've ever done, though to be fair, i had no way of knowing what would happen.
MDAI, for those who don't know, is a selective serotonin releaser with mild empathogenic effects.
MDMA releases both dopamine and serotonin, (which accounts for a stronger, more blissed-out experience) and because of that, is associated with neurotoxicity.
apparently, substances that only release serotonin (without releases dopamine) do not cause the neurotoxicity that MDMA is so famous for.
the way this expresses itself in real life is that MDAI is only a subtly enjoyable experience on it's own, though no toxic effects are felt.
on it's own MDAI is possibly one of the most benign molecules i've ever tried.
there is a mild hangover, but it expresses itself as a drained serotonin experience (more emotionally unstable, feeling rather drab for no reason) rather than a body-aching toxic hangover.
aco-dipt, is also, one it's own, one of the most benign feeling molecules i've ever tried, either natural or synthetic.
after having an uncomfortable heart rate on 2c-e a while back i started checking my pulse while tripping on different medicines to see how my body reacts to them and which ones are the most benign, in that regard.
my normal BPM (beats per minute) is 65. 2c-b and aco-dipt only get my heart up to like 85 or so. that uncomfortable 2c-e trip i mentioned was 110. that's the most i've ever felt my heart race and it was already very unnerving at 110.
when i combined MDAI with aco-dipt i started realizing that someone was very wrong at about the 45 point...i started getting very concerned and serious. intuitively the phrase "serotonin syndrome" flashed through my mind.
i wasn't sure, but it started to definitely feel like it.
upon researching later i found this line that made me feel like such a dumb-ass, "combining serotonin receptor drugs (tryptamines) with serotonin releaser drugs (MDAI) can trigger a serious and potentially life-threatening serotonin syndrome..."
this line, among others, made me see with such clarity that the reaction i had was not due to either aco-dipt OR mdai alone but a combination of the two.....especially since i've taken each of them separate a few times with zero negative reactions.
about an hour after dosing (18 mgs aco-dipt with 80 mgs MDAI) something is seriously wrong and i know it.
my girlfriend asks if i'm okay and i have to admit that i don't think i am and that i need help or a miracle.
my heart rate at this point is beating soooo fast. faster than i've ever even known a heart could beat and not explode.
my blood pressure at this point is pumping so uncomfortably hard too....i could actually see my heart jumping out of my chest and could see the blood flowing through my skin when i looked at veins in my neck or arm.
i'm tripping too hard at this point to check my pulse for a minute so i check it for 20 seconds and then do the math.
oh shiiiiiit. i'm at around 140 to 150 BPM!!!
immediately i see everything i've ever done wrong to get to this point.
all my stupid psychedelic restlessness causing me to dose all these wacky combos in wacky amounts.
all the striving and searching for experiences that just inevitably fade and i'm left chasing after colored lights like some sort of astral junky.
is it worth death?? they sure saved my life when i was younger but what are they REALLY doing for me now??
is there really a justification for continuing to put myself in the "line of fire??"
like Allan Watts said, "when you get the message, hang up the phone."
sometimes i feel like i'm just restlessly chasing after a bliss that i know won't come from the UPS and DOWNS of any drug experience.
anyway, i look to God and say, "I GET IT. I TOTALLY GET IT. if this is a karmic lesson to be learned than i GET IT. there is no need to make me go through death to see my error." just looking at my heart rate for 1 second made me totally understand the importance of life.
i couldn't live with my soul knowing that i'd left my girlfriend and friends behind on this earth plane because of some stupid mistake i'd made.
suddenly i saw all my justifications, "oh they're just psychedelics! they're not harmful or anything."
but that reasoning can easily slip over into dosing synthetic psychedelics too...and hey, even synthetic psychedelic combos!!
our bodies are more fragile than we think and these medicines are too powerful to thrown blanket statements at.
so i have identified my life with some sort of agenda to prove by saying psychedelics are medicines and here i am possibly dying the same way a heroin addict dies. what do i know about the mind or anything?!?! NOTHING!!
we don't even know what happens when we take drugs but we think, "awww no biggie....i got it under control."
i tell my girlfriend, "this is out of my control. i need help. call 911 and ask if there are ways to buffer a serotonin syndrome crisis."
the ambulance arrives in just 5 minutes and they start bombarding me with questions. i am tripping quite strongly but am sober enough to participate with them in an intelligent manner. they ask what i took. not wanting to confuse them with unnecessary trivia that they would know nothing about, and also not wanting aco-dipt to go into their books, i say, "i took mushrooms and MDAI."
they don't know what MDAI is so i say, "it's action is as a potent serotonin releaser, similar to antidepressants or something like that. i don't feel toxic effects from the drugs as much as i just feel a heart-rate crisis from the combo that i want to be sure is not escalating."
they take my heart rate and blood pressure and agree that it's too high for me to be left alone.
still sober-headed enough to not want to pay 4,000 dollars for this hospital visit if i survive, i ask, "can my girlfriend drive me to the ER?"
they say, "if you go with her, we can't monitor you, and that seems too dangerous at this point." i understood. i thanked all the paramedics for helping me and collapsed onto the stretcher.
at this point it was an hour and a half after dosing so i was starting to get more confident about my survival thinking, "surely i could've died by now if the drugs wanted me to." i tell my girlfriend, "i think i'm gonna make it...they will take care of me."
i don't say that with much confidence but i'm not feeling 100% doomed anymore.
it feels very good to be vulnerable when you're in a professional's hands.
they certainly have no idea how to talk to or comfort people who are tripping, but HEY, at least they know how to look after my vital signs!!!
the drive over to the hospital was sort of blurry...i wasn't losing consciousness but i was tripping so hard at this point that the whole world just turned to psychedelic soup. i couldn't tell the difference between the paramedic talking to me or talking to someone else or the sirens blaring.
it all just merged into multicolored hyper crisis on all levels.
once i was on the hospital bed there came another burst of activity with them hooking me up to their machines and questioning me again.
"what did you take?" "are you dizzy?" "are you nauseous?" "where did you get these mushrooms from?"
i tried to explain the best i could that i don't think i'm reacting from the mushrooms i think i'm experiencing serotonin syndrome from the release of serotonin from the MDAI.
they agree that i probably am, but they still want to assess the situation on all levels.
after a minute everyone vanished and i'm just left alone for about 10 minutes.
then a doctor comes in and says, "so what can we do for you?"
"well, i don't really know. the only reason i called is because my heart rate felt too high. if my heart is okay then i'm not really worried about anything else...i know i didn't overdose in the sense of toxicity."
the doctor says, "well we need to run some blood samples to be sure and we'll also want to do a urine sample to check for liver poisoning."
i'm starting to get my wits about me and i recognize that he's just trying to get me to pay for more services.
my whole interactions with all the doctors that night were colored with only one thing, "GIVE US MORE MONEY!!"
i said, "what are the blood tests for? what are the urine samples for? i want to understand why you doing them is necessary for my heart rate to not climb."
"well you did take mushrooms so their could be liver poisoning."
"i'm not worried about liver poisoning."
he pauses for a minute and says, "look we have to do blood tests. do you approve?"
at this point i'm like, "NO I DON'T APPROVE."
i could feel irritation in his voice as he said, "FINE, will you at least allow us to run a saline solution through your blood to lower blood pressure?"
"absolutely, thank you," i said with a sweet smile. now THAT sounds like it could actually help me!!
all those other things seemed beside the point.
so now they are leaving me alone for like 15-20 minutes at a time before coming into my room just to try to get me to do more tests!!
i'm still thinking i could die at this point so i'm kinda translating their absence with fear.
then all of a sudden it hit me: the reason why they are not in here is because there is NOTHING WRONG WITH ME ANYMORE!!!!!!
the only reason they would leave my side is because they can see that my heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing are normalizing and not sporadic.
shortly after that realization i felt "the crisis" stop in my body.
i distinctly felt, at about the 2 hour point, my body "turn down a notch" and become calmer.
THAT'S ALL I WAS LOOKING FOR!!!!!!!! I'M GONNA MAKE IT! I KNOW I AM!!!!
with my newly found confidence i had a huge smile as the doctor came in again.
at this point it was kinda fun just tripping in a hospital bed...i'm glad i wasn't on acid though, i'll tell you that!
he started saying, "look we're worried that you might die, we need to do tests."
i asked, "what is my heart rate like now?"
he said, "well sometimes i gets down to 108 and fluctuates up to about 115."
"so it's going down then?!?!?!?!"
"well yes, it's going down, but there still could be problems."
at this point i'm just ecstatic to be alive and don't care what he's saying to me about whatever else he thinks is wrong with me.
intuitively i feel like my heart rate crisis was the only matter that needed to be solved here.
so i said, "i want to be released."
he said, "you want to be released even though you could die??"
i said, "i feel fine, my body feels fine, everything is stabilizing, i just need to come down now."
interesting to see how much he tried to instill fear in me about my condition.
maybe he was just doing his job, but there were certain things he said to me that just plain sounded like he was trying to induce fear.
i felt blessed to be one of the few people who goes into a hospital with a questioning mind instead of the usual surrender when most people just hand their lives over unquestioningly to the "medical authorities."
now don't get me wrong, if i felt like something was wrong i would've done what they said. but my body didn't feel like anything else was wrong after my heart went down.
in fact i didn't even suffer a hangover from the experience (besides a drained serotonin feeling).
no headache. no body ache. no tiredness.
my heart felt a little sore but that was understandable.
this was definitely the most traumatic thing i've ever experienced and i actually felt flashback-type experiences coming back to me in meditation the next couple days. i just looked at all the sadness head-on and said, "i accept what happened and will never let it happen again. there is no need to feel guilt or shame."
after crying a little bit i felt a lot better.
and my serotonin levels are back to normal again. (like they always are after 2 days.)
so i set some rules for myself that i'm more than happy to keep:
rule 1) NO DRUG COMBOS ANYMORE......that's an easy one.
rule 2) NO MORE NEW DRUGS.....fine, i've already got plenty of good ones.
rule 3) NO MORE COMPULSIVELY TRIPPING FOR THE HELL OF IT....that one might be harder to follow but as long as i follow rules 1 and 2 first than tripping compulsively will never result in hyper-crisis!!
rule 4) NO TRIPPING FOR AT LEAST A MONTH....this is just to give myself some breathing room to integrate what happened this weekend. to be honest i don't even really want to trip for a long time. i want to get my head on straight and learn to appreciate being here, in this earth plane without compulsively seeking escape or release.
please be careful friends. there was no way to predict that this would've happened from trying the drugs separately.
don't try combos that people have never tried before!!!! and even try to stay away from those! why risk it?
it's just not worth it, and you'll know that the moment you look a 150 BPM heart-rate in the face!!!
peace, love, and gratitude to you nexus friends. i'm happy to report that i'm still kickin' and you didn't lose me!!
