Ok so I had a peculiar experience last night and it has me both excited and perplexed at the same time.

It's actually pretty personal but it's important for me to share what happened with anyone who might understand these things (HF I'm looking at you).

So last night I had an unexpected phone call and was asked to watch my 3 yr old niece for a couple of hours. I'm not a great babysitter but I agreed to anyways to help out my brother. As I was babysitting my niece she was just being a little kid being all innocent and stuff and I had this ache in my heart. Not the first time it's happened, but it was like a longing to be a child again, a longing for a return to innocence. If you've read my 'first steps into hyperspace' post (appropriately titled 'A Return to Innocence') it might shed some light on why I have this desire to return to childhood, but I won't go into it here. Just know that when I'm around a kid under 5 years old I get like that and it effects my psyche.

Speaking of effecting my psyche, I went home around 8:30pm last night and found my wonderful girlfriend waiting to suprise me in a rather sexual way. As we were getting into it, I wasn't getting into it for reasons I just could not understand. My body would not cooperate with what was going on and my psyche was immeadiately internalized. This is the first an only time I've ever had my body not cooperate with me regarding sex.

Obviously my gf was disappointed at this letdown and went to bed, and at that point I was hit with this wave of emotion. It was like anger, but a willful anger. I was angry at the illusion I know to be my life on Earth. Angry that here I am, playing this game I KNOW isn't all there is to reality and being unable to leave of my own free will. Only when I take a psychedelic can I achieve an out of body state no matter how often I've tried some of the different methods already listed here. My frustration caused me to call out to the universe with all of my might and will. My mind went something like this:

"This is RIDICULOUS!! I don't fit in here on Earth and all I ever think about it going home (hyperspace)! I don't want to be on Earth, I don't like it here, I don't like being human and I know I am NOT human, that is just a game I'm playing and I don't want to play anymore! I'm sick of these petty games! Universe... HELP me... I swear to god I will rip a hole in the fabric of space and time if YOU WON'T LET ME OUT OF THIS TINY LITTLE BOX REALITY!!!!"

Little over dramatic but it had been a rough day. The incredibly peculiar part was... this actually worked. I don't know if it was my anger, my will or what, but as soon as I made this sweeping declaration in my head I closed my eyes and felt, and I mean FELT my pineal gland tingle. As I started to feel this, with eyes closed I focused my awareness on a single point, a quantum point in the blackness of my mind. I was going to prove to the universe and myself that I could burn a hole in time and space and escape this prison that I was considering my life to be. And as I was doing this, focusing intently on a small point of dark space, my whole insides started to buzz and vibrate. I have long heard how the first steps to an OBE is the increase in vibrations and I intuitively knew that this must be what it felt like. If felt like an oscillation of some sort, like a WHOM... WHOM... WHOM... WHOM... sound.

The increase in energy was incredible. I could feel a fountain of energy inside of me, more than I was really prepared for. I immeaditely thought this might be what kundalini awakening feels like, as my entire spine from base to the top of my head felt peculiar (no real way to describe how it felt). As this was going on, I felt a wiggle. Like something had come loose and as it did it felt very similar to how I feel when I'm coming up on a psychedelic. At a certain point on a trip I feel like my soul or mind isn't in perfect sync with my body. When this happens I know I'm only minutes away from a trip into hyperspace and this usually occurs naturally. However since I wasn't on a psychedelic this was an all together new thing.

I was trying so hard not to get hung up on what was happening, but it was inevitable that I did end up focusing to much on the peculiarity of what was transpiring. I had intently focused on increasing the vibrations I was feeling, and I did have some success with this, but I again felt I needed to call out to the universe for help. I haven't prayed since I was a hardcore Christian, but this was what I was doing. I was praying intently for probably the first time of my life and it was being heard. At a certain point, I could feel something... I dunno what it was I hesitate to say a being or entity but it could have been, pulling on the part of me that was vibrating. It was pulling it deeper and further back into my mind and I knew this feeling to be nearly identical to how it feels when I leave my body to fall into hyperspace. My excitment got the better of me (just like a novice) and I opened my eyes and...

...the room looked like it would look if I had been coming down from a trip. I looked at my dog and it's features were warping and twisting in such a way that it was a little startling. This lasted only a couple of minutes until I baselined, but after it happened I was left a little speechless. I was going to start my own thread to talk about this but I had seen this one this morning and thought maybe I'd just put it here and get some possible insight.

Something that's on my mind today, why is it that only when I get so angry at being a human do I achieve a state like that? I have read most of the literature on these topics, and the common element is to relax your body to a state where your mind is awake but not thinking and your body is asleep. Well, I did lose all concept of having a body but it wasn't because my mind was in a state of no-thought. No, I was thinking quite intently on how annoyed I was with being a human, and this anger was like fuel for my psychic fire.

Has anyone else ever experienced achieveing an altered state because their frustration? I was just so sick of being limited I shouted out to the universe that I was just done being limited and as I did that, something had happened. I would appreciate any thoughts on this from any and all takers. I'm even open to it being a simple product of my depressed state of mind convincing me of an altered state to help me feel better. I'm not closed to any interpretation, but I wanted to share it with the community.

(PS. Felt I had to put a disclaimer. I am not a depressed or suicidal person by any stretch. My frustration deals with knowing how unlimited my true self is and how that true self is always in a state of perfect bliss. However this human self is very limited and I know that is not my true nature, it is a false nature that I have to deal with for a mortal lifetime. If is this sense of falseness, that I'm not really being my true self, that causes me extreme discomfort here on Earth. I love myself and my girlfriend and my dogs, but our society, my job, having a house and a car... these silly human things irritate me everyday. What I want, what I truly want, is to be able to just be without the added junk that human civilization makes you participate in. This is why I have a weird feeling around little kids. They are truly free in their humanity, to play and laugh and love just as they are. But eventually, that gets taken away from us and we all become these robots operating from a society that doesn't give two shits about your spiritual life. THAT is my anger with being human, with feeling like my innocence was stolen by our culture. That god for psychedelics