Polly
Rising Star
Life:
I will never forget the sudden sinking sensation I felt that came from my mother as I told her the details from what I could recall of being born. I can never forget this feeling because, even tho' I didn't know it at the time, I had always been trying to gain this sense of what I would only come to know as being certitude.
Whatever it was to me at the time tho', I had thought it was a sense to gain, but quickly understood this sense was actually something I was to regain. I can't say I had ever bothered to even look for this sense, I only know that I was always seeking it out. Had I have actually looked for it, I seriously doubt I would have ever thought to check if it was in the sense of being dropped suddenly from within that I felt happen inside my mother once my words had fully registered to her. I only knew this sense was there whenever I had looked past my just seeing the physical attributes which only the conflicting natures that contend for one found being in such utter disbelieve while at the same time holding such a total conviction could prove of their trying to keep cool. (I'm telling you, in those briefest of moments, she totally forgot I was a five year old little girl) Too late tho'. I'd seen it. What's more, she knew what I just seen in her was the very thing that she had tried, yet had failed (miserably) to hide. The truth.
From everything I love about that moment that went down between my mother and me, it's her being completely opened minded, however brief, as being what I will always treasure most. Today I could probably even call her being caught off guard like that a fluke if it weren't for that fact of its proving to be so bloody profound unto the course that my life took to from there.
In this moment was given me the sudden understanding unto so much of what I knew very little on how to even articulate. Let alone debate. And I felt I had won the bonus spin when I saw that not only did this feeling of certitude provide for me a treasure trove of answers that no one would care to hear me ask, it also instilled in me such a strong sense of just knowing that I would not ever need to debate, or to prove I was seeing any of these things that I would voice seeing only to be informed that these were things that I could not possible see because they don't exist. End of discussion. So while seeing, it seems at least in my family anyway, isn't always believing, certitude sure has proved to be the true backbone of my intuition.
My mother's account of my birth: She says when I entered this world, for just a few moments, she died. She says while looking down at herself from the upper corner of the room, she could see the doctor pull me out of her, and after my birth, she watched as the doctor frantically attempted to revive her. And that is why ever since that day, she has always felt a desperate pull to protect me, far more than the usual maternal instinct tho'. She says it’s like I need protection from much more than just the threats of this world. As opposed to her just being insanely protective and frustratingly overbearing. lol
My memory of being born: All that I remember of a room, being faded green and my knowing it was my Mum as being both of whom I felt beside me as well as whom I saw down below me giving birth on the bed, while being incredibly vivid in memory, nonetheless, feels vague and not as important as what I felt after I saw everything begin to glow of a very dark Purple, with which, from within this dark Purple glow, came my knowing that this Purple is what I felt had just covered me with an even greater sense of understanding unto how it was more so my mum who I was feeling beside me, than it was my mum who I was seeing on the bed below me.
More so. There are too little few who are able to understand that it is in the Purple's showing me of what the more so it wanted me to feel in that moment was of meaning that to this day, still holds an unfathomable well of understanding. Even of late, this 'more so' has proved even more profound to me after having seen that the revisions made by my co-writer/editor to this particular story had done to its meaning by way of his making the call to cut these two words from my account of my first memory in order for it to read...not so weirdly worded. And sadly, his finding my being able to remember being born at all so extraordinary, that the truly extraordinary moment, falls short, gets cut, whatever, he's missed the subtle point it makes for the profound effects that were brought to this moment by my gaining a sense of certitude. Needless to say, his refusing to budge on this issue, means this story won't even be included in this particular collection, despite its being a cornerstone for the book's premise.
Death:
I believe the soul is as old as time, but I don't think I have ever been here before. One day I died and experienced something that makes me consider this to be true.
I wanted to end my life, so made a last meal of nearly two hundred pills. When I was found much later, I am told I was unresponsive. What I recall of my death is seeing the police and paramedics standing around me from the vantage point of standing behind them. When one of them said, 'I can't get a pulse', I knew for certain I was dead then.
To say I felt as if I was then taken someplace else where there were lots of people would be a gross understatement. Catapulted would be more like it. And with never thinking, just fully understanding, I knew this sudden acceleration of...me, was of my having no choice in the matter. To this day, I can still remember the intensity of my loving the sense I had to not even fight this knowing of my being flung elsewhere. Nor can I ever forget the contentment that came with my having absolutely no sense of attachment to anything at all. But had instead, a sense of certitude that related directly with my seeing how I have only always ever belonged to everything.
And while my saying how at the time, I understood that everything else was also to be found belonging to this same everything that I belonged to, I know my then understanding of this had in no way felt as being an oversimplification of the fact. Not like it feels as being such right now in my recounting of it. But rather, this knowing of belonging felt immensely profound, and had felt too, as if needing to be remembered.
Next thing I remember is being with all the people who had been catapulted towards. We were outside, beneath an amazing dome-shaped sky, and when I spotted several birds flying about, I felt the sky wasn't enclosed around us, just shaped around us instead. And when I looked down, I saw beneath us was a grass so green, that I remember thinking how it was the true color of green. As what the color green really does look like. No variation.
We were all walking around, the mood was invigorating, and to me, even at the time, this part of my experience came off like a tour or something that had been specifically designed to remind me and everyone with me, of what I, and they, and we, had all known long before our ever being born.
As the paramedics continued attempting resuscitation, my husband said every once in a while I would show signs of life that would both puzzle and disturb them all. He says just my sounding so excited and laughing from time to time had upset them when considering the nature for them even being there at all. But he also says that when I would talk, I would only say these same things, 'Oh yeah, that's right!', 'Yes! I remember now!', and 'Come on guys!'
He had asked me later who it was I had been talking to then, and I told him that even then, I had no idea who all those people were that I had found myself to be with. I just knew that despite my not knowing them, they didn't feel as being strangers to me, and I felt totally fine about being with them.
And when the paramedics finally did succeed in bringing me back, my husband says I was screaming in the most awful way possible, begging them not to pull me back. He says my screams made all of them turn white.
I don't remember anything else about my death, other than how badly I wanted to go back. <- So, my learning of a way I can go back that doesn't involve devastating my loved ones in the process, yeah, I'm totally down for trying DMT, I am just wishing to educate and ready myself first before I do. Oh, and am also hoping to find a few answers here that might prove difficult in knowing where to look, more so than my seeing who to ask would prove anyway.
Such is certitude, I presume ;p
I will never forget the sudden sinking sensation I felt that came from my mother as I told her the details from what I could recall of being born. I can never forget this feeling because, even tho' I didn't know it at the time, I had always been trying to gain this sense of what I would only come to know as being certitude.
Whatever it was to me at the time tho', I had thought it was a sense to gain, but quickly understood this sense was actually something I was to regain. I can't say I had ever bothered to even look for this sense, I only know that I was always seeking it out. Had I have actually looked for it, I seriously doubt I would have ever thought to check if it was in the sense of being dropped suddenly from within that I felt happen inside my mother once my words had fully registered to her. I only knew this sense was there whenever I had looked past my just seeing the physical attributes which only the conflicting natures that contend for one found being in such utter disbelieve while at the same time holding such a total conviction could prove of their trying to keep cool. (I'm telling you, in those briefest of moments, she totally forgot I was a five year old little girl) Too late tho'. I'd seen it. What's more, she knew what I just seen in her was the very thing that she had tried, yet had failed (miserably) to hide. The truth.
From everything I love about that moment that went down between my mother and me, it's her being completely opened minded, however brief, as being what I will always treasure most. Today I could probably even call her being caught off guard like that a fluke if it weren't for that fact of its proving to be so bloody profound unto the course that my life took to from there.
In this moment was given me the sudden understanding unto so much of what I knew very little on how to even articulate. Let alone debate. And I felt I had won the bonus spin when I saw that not only did this feeling of certitude provide for me a treasure trove of answers that no one would care to hear me ask, it also instilled in me such a strong sense of just knowing that I would not ever need to debate, or to prove I was seeing any of these things that I would voice seeing only to be informed that these were things that I could not possible see because they don't exist. End of discussion. So while seeing, it seems at least in my family anyway, isn't always believing, certitude sure has proved to be the true backbone of my intuition.
My mother's account of my birth: She says when I entered this world, for just a few moments, she died. She says while looking down at herself from the upper corner of the room, she could see the doctor pull me out of her, and after my birth, she watched as the doctor frantically attempted to revive her. And that is why ever since that day, she has always felt a desperate pull to protect me, far more than the usual maternal instinct tho'. She says it’s like I need protection from much more than just the threats of this world. As opposed to her just being insanely protective and frustratingly overbearing. lol
My memory of being born: All that I remember of a room, being faded green and my knowing it was my Mum as being both of whom I felt beside me as well as whom I saw down below me giving birth on the bed, while being incredibly vivid in memory, nonetheless, feels vague and not as important as what I felt after I saw everything begin to glow of a very dark Purple, with which, from within this dark Purple glow, came my knowing that this Purple is what I felt had just covered me with an even greater sense of understanding unto how it was more so my mum who I was feeling beside me, than it was my mum who I was seeing on the bed below me.
More so. There are too little few who are able to understand that it is in the Purple's showing me of what the more so it wanted me to feel in that moment was of meaning that to this day, still holds an unfathomable well of understanding. Even of late, this 'more so' has proved even more profound to me after having seen that the revisions made by my co-writer/editor to this particular story had done to its meaning by way of his making the call to cut these two words from my account of my first memory in order for it to read...not so weirdly worded. And sadly, his finding my being able to remember being born at all so extraordinary, that the truly extraordinary moment, falls short, gets cut, whatever, he's missed the subtle point it makes for the profound effects that were brought to this moment by my gaining a sense of certitude. Needless to say, his refusing to budge on this issue, means this story won't even be included in this particular collection, despite its being a cornerstone for the book's premise.
Death:
I believe the soul is as old as time, but I don't think I have ever been here before. One day I died and experienced something that makes me consider this to be true.
I wanted to end my life, so made a last meal of nearly two hundred pills. When I was found much later, I am told I was unresponsive. What I recall of my death is seeing the police and paramedics standing around me from the vantage point of standing behind them. When one of them said, 'I can't get a pulse', I knew for certain I was dead then.
To say I felt as if I was then taken someplace else where there were lots of people would be a gross understatement. Catapulted would be more like it. And with never thinking, just fully understanding, I knew this sudden acceleration of...me, was of my having no choice in the matter. To this day, I can still remember the intensity of my loving the sense I had to not even fight this knowing of my being flung elsewhere. Nor can I ever forget the contentment that came with my having absolutely no sense of attachment to anything at all. But had instead, a sense of certitude that related directly with my seeing how I have only always ever belonged to everything.
And while my saying how at the time, I understood that everything else was also to be found belonging to this same everything that I belonged to, I know my then understanding of this had in no way felt as being an oversimplification of the fact. Not like it feels as being such right now in my recounting of it. But rather, this knowing of belonging felt immensely profound, and had felt too, as if needing to be remembered.
Next thing I remember is being with all the people who had been catapulted towards. We were outside, beneath an amazing dome-shaped sky, and when I spotted several birds flying about, I felt the sky wasn't enclosed around us, just shaped around us instead. And when I looked down, I saw beneath us was a grass so green, that I remember thinking how it was the true color of green. As what the color green really does look like. No variation.
We were all walking around, the mood was invigorating, and to me, even at the time, this part of my experience came off like a tour or something that had been specifically designed to remind me and everyone with me, of what I, and they, and we, had all known long before our ever being born.
As the paramedics continued attempting resuscitation, my husband said every once in a while I would show signs of life that would both puzzle and disturb them all. He says just my sounding so excited and laughing from time to time had upset them when considering the nature for them even being there at all. But he also says that when I would talk, I would only say these same things, 'Oh yeah, that's right!', 'Yes! I remember now!', and 'Come on guys!'
He had asked me later who it was I had been talking to then, and I told him that even then, I had no idea who all those people were that I had found myself to be with. I just knew that despite my not knowing them, they didn't feel as being strangers to me, and I felt totally fine about being with them.
And when the paramedics finally did succeed in bringing me back, my husband says I was screaming in the most awful way possible, begging them not to pull me back. He says my screams made all of them turn white.
I don't remember anything else about my death, other than how badly I wanted to go back. <- So, my learning of a way I can go back that doesn't involve devastating my loved ones in the process, yeah, I'm totally down for trying DMT, I am just wishing to educate and ready myself first before I do. Oh, and am also hoping to find a few answers here that might prove difficult in knowing where to look, more so than my seeing who to ask would prove anyway.
Such is certitude, I presume ;p
