..to say the least. I agree, I'm 'different.' I don't know why, everyone comments on me either being weird or smart. The intelligence thing has become almost a hang up for me. I have been told I was very, very intelligent from a young age, even to this day.
I wonder all the time, what intelligence is. I philosophize on the subject daily, I'm a thinker at heart, and very curious, I have a scientific mind. I am smart - whatever that is. I'm just like everyone else though, I'm just a human trying to do my best - whatever 'best' really is. I'm trying to figure that out. I think I'm a teacher, I think there's something in me dying to teach the world.
I dunno, I've had ego problems in the past. Not to mention, quite serious mental health issues. I try to be as 'pure' as I can be. I want to be human. I spent a long time letting my ego get to my head (mainly after getting out of the mental hospital, feeling so refreshed and dosed to the eye-balls on psychotropic medications - atypical anti-psychotics, and SSRI.)
I FELT LIKE A GENIUS! I almost was, the way my mind was working, was quite unbelievable. But it's really funny, because at the time I went to the mental hospital at age 15 (just turned 22 today!!8) ) I felt as if I was truly mentally retarded and all of the people I knew just played on that I was smart to make me feel better. My girlfriend at the time was only with me because she felt sorry for me, my parents were probably plotting to kill me, etc.
I only spent a week getting stabilized. It was a life-changing experience. I told my family doctor that I thought of killing myself. It really was only suicide ideation, which is different from being suicidal. She said I could go to the hospital voluntarily or she could call a cop car to take me. Whether she could have legally gotten me committed is beside the point, I went, and learned a lot. A lot.
I had confidence like I had never had before once I was out of there. I felt smarter than I ever had. I never felt smart, I have usually been rather socially-awkward. But this felt like me at my truest potential. I had first went on SSRIs around the age of 13 or 14. I was having panic attacks, and the same doctor let me try Paxil. I loved it, it was really bad for me now that I look at it. I made extremely reckless decisions and didn't care - I felt happy. Key word - 'felt.'
I met the first love of my life, about 4 or 5 months after taking them. I was a heavy cannabis user at this time (my first panic attack happened after smoking with some friends I didn't feel too comfortable with. And it was really more like an extremely stressful and paranoid, but mild psychotic episode now that I think back.) I was getting into a lot of trouble with my parents for smoking marijuana, so I stopped for her, but I also wanted to stop the SSRIs because I knew they were taking away true feeling.
So I did - the first three days it felt like my emotions where on eggshells, I could cry at the drop of the hat; crying felt great, considering I could actually feel it, I knew I was getting my emotions back and it felt good to cry over anything.
Well I fell head over heels for this girl, and my personality almost completely changed. I was much more artistic, emotional, (I grew up being very, very, very sensitive and emotional. Nice people referred to me as 'soft hearted,' a lot of people called me a 'crybaby.' :roll: ) feminine, and ..smart. I never really thought of myself as smart at the time, or maybe I did, but not like I do to this day. My girlfriend had a very intelligent demeanor to her, and it really, really stimulated something inside of me, and I wanted to show her that I could be up on her 'level.' Towards the end of the relationship (while I was on meds) she described as 'leaving her in the dust' ..intellectually at least.
She influenced me to be much more in control of myself in general. Yeah, I was much more emotional, but I didn't have anger outbursts, fighting wasn't cool anymore, not violent, and she got me interested in playing music because she was in band. I almost envied her at first, which I had a tendency to do up until that point with girls I liked.
So I quit the first run of SSRIs (this is going somehwere VERY interesting, I promise:wink: ) around the age of 15, a few months before I turned, actually. I began to fully use my potential, which I don't believe I had ever truly did for a long time. I think after 8 years old, I really started losing myself. I joined band, which had never been done at my school if you didn't play in middle school band. I practiced my soul out. I wanted to be a part of something, and even before I met this girl, I had seen the drumline, and it captivated me. (It still does.)
I had a lot of stress to preform well. I wanted to be better than everyone one day, which is normal, it's a healthy competitive environment. I had always did good in school, but my freshman year when I was on the SSRI originally, I didn't have a care in the world. School work was not important to me at all, and this is coming from the kid who would cry if he got a B. Yeah...
Hah, but my sophomore year, after I had met the girl, after I had stopped taking my original run of SSRIs, I took a load of extremely hard classes for a sophomore. Like advanced upperclassmen stuff, I was trying SO HARD. It wasn't that I was having trouble in the classes, I was just putting WAY too much pressure on myself. It comes back to the smart thing, SO MANY people always shove it down my throat how uniquely intelligent I am, so for awhile I had been trying to push it off subconsciously, now I was trying to make up for it by consciously embracing it. I also had started smoking cannabis again, I got my girlfriend high for her first time, we had some good times. But I started using it like I used to - all the time. But where as before I always wanted to escape, I wanted weed now to deal with my problems, rather than escape them. I really consider that abusing marijuana. That was more than a tool for me, I would always want to at least have weed. And the more stressed I got, the I smoked.
It got to the point to where I would stay up to the wee-hours of the morning smoking down to relieve stress. I had to do that because of the massive amounts of homework, I had never seen such homework in my life! I was only fifteen years old, have had anxiety in the past, am a very sensitive person (that evidently has the capability to be very insensitive) who was smoking cannabis - not a large quantity or quality of marijuana, just very, very often. Before school, after school, especially during the night, I had trouble sleeping, so I would also fight that stress off by smoking.
Well I don't know where it went from dealing with my problems, to causing them (maybe the point I decided marijuana was a necessity?) But I became very unstable. I had been off the SSRIs now for a good 6 months, if not longer with no problems. But I was SOOOOO stressed. So stressed. Not having weed would just stress me out as well. (I was really trying to relive my happy-go-lucky, carefree (reckless) freshman years.) I remember crying over a lot, a lot of things. I had rather recently obtained the mindset of "it's truly okay to cry," so it's almost like I would force it. Then I started feeling really, really down on myself. I was stupid, hopeless - a failure.
A long time ago, around the time of my original SSRI treatment (age 13 I believe, maybe 14) I had some pretty intense cannabis experiences. (before the panic attack that caused me to seek help.) I was really questioning religion at the time, and had pretty much stopped believing in Jesus as a magical figure. But one night I saw him! I knew it wasn't him, I knew it, but he was there, and it meant a lot to me. I saw 'the light,' type of experience. I remember staring at myself in the mirror, and out of nowhere getting the first stint of horrible anxiety I had ever felt in my life. But I did not know what that was at all, I just kind of went with it. I never thought of it as a religious experience, just more of a mental mystical experience. (It was my first psychedelic experience. And while it was very scary, I was VERY curious to what happened.)
The days following, I was pretty depresonalized, living in some derealization for sure. It lasted for another week or two, when I went over to the friend's house that I didn't feel comfortable at, smoked, had a FULL BLOWN panic attack.
But that little side-story never crossed my mind at the time. Sooner than later I began to ACTUALLY think there was a GOOD chance I was, if not mentally retarded, WELL, well below any kind of average. I KNEW, pretty much every time someone would happen to look my way while laughing, they where laughing at ME. I could go on forever about my symptoms, but I was pretty awful on the inside, weird though, hardly anyone could see it on the out.
Skip to me getting out of the mental hospital. I was feeling 'healed,' better than ever. (Before that, I remember riding to the mental hospital telling myself over, and over, and over in my head, "I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy." I shortly realized in that longest one week ever - I had been.) ((I kind of cheated though, I never was up front about how much I enjoyed cannabis and how much I smoked it. That hurt me a lot, I ended up believing that later on, while I was ON the meds - the anti psychotic meds.) Hah, the first thing I did was spark up a joint I had, not knowing I wouldn't get to smoke it for over a week. I got really pleasantly stoned, it was very pleasant. I was still adjusting to the medication so I slept a lot, would almost pass out at times, could hardly stand up, and in the mornings - horrible akathesia, which is the feeling of 'intense inner restlessness; the akathesia got worse as time went on, which is a HUGE reason I stopped taking them, along with the, 'I'm healed now, don't need these' mentality. (Which after another stint or two with them, I feel safer and more sure than ever saying that today. )
But I got a lot of attention for what I went through. Nobody had dealt with somebody who had mental illness it seemed. I'm sure few had, and probably most hadn't seen a peer with my exact kind of mental illness. Everyone was so fascinated. I really led it on, I liked the attention. That's when I started believing all of my bullcrap and basically came as delusional as I was before. I felt too smart for most people, I was ready to start college at age 15, and I was obsessed with math. I did function at a 'high level' at the time, but the more time went on, the more out of whack I felt. Something just didn't feel 'right.' And the horrible side effects where a perfect reason to quit. I had to take the medication between 6-7pm so the akathesia would wear off by 11 or 12 noon. An hour after taking it, I was 'sloshed,' two hours, very intoxicated, three hours, debilitated. I never remembered going to bed. And the more I took it, the worse I would feel in the morning. I couldn't concentrate, couldn't focus, could not sit still for the life of me! No way.
I would go through these 'highs' where I felt almost euphoric. One time a teacher told me to leave the class because I was zoning out so hard, I looked ...'mental' so say the least. During these highs I would have extremely associative thinking, I was almost over-bearing. And I wouldn't even be high on cannabis.
Well I ended up stopping the anti-psychotic, but continuing the SSRI. I quit the SSRI a little later and was on nothing, except cannabis. I was really happy. It was a pretty 'true' time in my life. But then school started back up, the pressure was on, so I went back on the SSRI. That's when I started hanging out with a lot more people than I ever had and partying a lot for the first time in my life. Before that I had some pretty grandiose views on myself, while I was son the anti-psychotic, but I went through a very humbling phase while on nothing at all. I just used the SSRI for the same reason that got me into trouble with pot - a crutch.
It was sometime into my JR year that I tried my first psychedelic. We thought it was going to be LSD, it ended up being a DOx, probably I from what I read. I had a great time, and wanted more. I was pretty bummed it wasn't actual LSD though. Keep in mind I was on SSRIs at the time, I made sure to read into it that LSD was safe, it said if anything, it tends to diminish the experience. I know now, it definitely does. But once I tried that first true hit of LSD, I felt at home, ya know? I immediately tried a much higher dose and had such a great time. I also tried mushrooms a few times which I also loved.
I started to become pretty fearless. And I had a pretty much whole new gang of friends who all thought I was 'cool.' I thought they were cool, hell we still are cool. :thumb_up: ha, but it got to me, and was very cocky. I also was almost fearless when it came to psychedelics. I always said if someone was to hand my acid, I would stick it in my mouth no questions asked, which I would have. I had some really intense times, even scary moments, but never had a bad trip. In the back of my mind I 'knew' the SSRIs where helping prevent that.
Long story short, I went back on and off of anti-psychotics for a while, two more 'stints.' I tried LSD while I was taking seroquel, which I thought was also quite a fine experience. My girlfriend broke up with me, and it shattered me. I just on the SSRI's at the time. (the seroquel and LSD actually came after the breakup). But the SSRIs basically helped, key word, helped me turn into a douchebag. I deserved to be broken up with. But we still talk today, and it's always very healthy conversations.
I used to say "I wish I could be on a low dose of LSD every day." Tripping, but not hard enough to lose yourself.
The last age I took any SSRI or anti-psychotic was either 18 or 19. I tried so many combinations, I was looking for the perfect feeling and realized I wasn't ever going to feel perfect. I'm 22 years old (today!) and I haven't touched a psychotropic drug in over 2 years. I'm happier than ever, true happiness.
My life actually feels more challenging than ever, but I'm happy about it. A couple of years back, while not on any meds, a really good friend of mine's little brother had an AWFULLY BAD trip. Like screaming, saying INSANE scary stuff, the 'whole 9 yards,' and it really made it difficult to trip after that for awhile. I tried LSD a couple of times after that and found it very uncomfortable, but still not enough to have a 'bad time' overall.
I had tripped probably about 15 to 20 times up until then, on LSD alone. I thought it was almost impossible for stuff to go wrong. In the two years since then I had about 6 LSD experiences that where rather challenging. I am very careful with psychedelics, especially do to my past. Well, while I was on SSRIs, I was quite reckless with them.
I did LSD a couple days ago and had a truly great experience. Nothing to cloud it up, didnt even smoke weed for about 6 hours after dosing. I've been getting into psychedelics recently. Something inside of me tells me they are truly great for me. That helps guide me. I know there is valid understand to gather.
I stumbled upon a post I found highly interested about LSD and someone who had previous mental health issues. Everyone told them it was a no-way, when it definitely depends on the person. I know first hand. I really can't wait to give my input on that thread. But I have a 11 week daughter now. She's beautiful, the love of my life. The second love of my life whom I met about 6 months after my friend had a bad trip.
I have never lost the urge. I did it about 3 or 4 times while I was with her for the past year and a half. Almost two years actually. Each time was good, but overall rough. She went through some serious post poppadum depression and left on a whim. She is acting pretty close to psychotic at times, being really threatening. Out of nowhere. But she's been making it very clear to me that she is only trying to bring me down for whatever reason, and between that and my daughter, it's making me stronger than ever before.
I forgot what a true, good LSD experience was like. And I can't say I've ever truly had one until the other day because all of my good experiences had been watered down with SSRIs. (Another reason I quit SSRIs at one time is because I was interested in psychedellics, especially the phenethylamines, which you shouldn't combine with SSRIs.)It really helped me out a lot. I am so used to depression, I actually embraced it at one point in my life. Recently I have been trying to overcome it. I was making slow progress, but I wasn't for sure of myself. Psychedelics really help me focus on me, helps me get over fears and insecurities, realize that the world out there is a vast and lovely place.
Between all of that, and the fact that my friend gave me a point of DMT for my birthday, I now have sitting around, I thought this would be the perfect place for me to go because I have really wanted to be apart of an online psychedelic community for a long time, just couldn't find one that I felt was right. I like this place. I hope I continue to. I could keep going on forever about my story, but that is something you really need to learn as you go.
But I have only experienced a mild DMT experience. Finished off a bowl that someone couldn't finish. I really want an intense, life changing DMT experience. I think I will find DMT more meaningful than LSD or mushrooms for sure. Hah, I actually watched DMT: The Spirit Molecule while I was on acid and it was VASTLY AMUSING. Lol, I hope to continue the responsible, healthy, and productive use of psychedelics. My main problem for having rough-ish experiences in the past is, I used to use it as a good time. I thought that's what it was for. Until I saw the bad trip, the empty, hollow black saucers staring through me. Heh, I forgot why I did them. A lot of my trips ended up being 'experiments.' I'm going to see what happens, or a 'test.' I'm going to test myself. Now I know the reason I do it is out of an ultimate pursuit of reaching my full potential, but that in itself is very complicated, it's a long journey...it's learned - an acquired taste if you will. I also like to look at it as an academic class I hope to pass one day, although you can only study so much, my test will be different than yours, and vice versa.
Thanks for reading this awfully long introduction. Please feel free to ask me any questions, I didn't quite get it all out, and I need to people to question me and what not to, you know, 'pull' it out of me. :shock:
Oh yeah, I wanted to add that the thread title is meant to be ironic. I don't actually think I'm more interesting than anyone else any kind of nature, it's just in the society that we are in, I do tend to stand out. And I'm really intelligent, just working on being smarter.
(Mainly happier.)
This post was rather solemn and mono-tone if you ask me. This isn't like my usual personality, I'm usually a lot more laid-back and WAY less serious. I love to joke and laugh. But this post really took me to some serious moments of my life. Feels good to share it, sorry it was so long. That's why I am stopping myself ..NOW
I wonder all the time, what intelligence is. I philosophize on the subject daily, I'm a thinker at heart, and very curious, I have a scientific mind. I am smart - whatever that is. I'm just like everyone else though, I'm just a human trying to do my best - whatever 'best' really is. I'm trying to figure that out. I think I'm a teacher, I think there's something in me dying to teach the world.
I dunno, I've had ego problems in the past. Not to mention, quite serious mental health issues. I try to be as 'pure' as I can be. I want to be human. I spent a long time letting my ego get to my head (mainly after getting out of the mental hospital, feeling so refreshed and dosed to the eye-balls on psychotropic medications - atypical anti-psychotics, and SSRI.)
I FELT LIKE A GENIUS! I almost was, the way my mind was working, was quite unbelievable. But it's really funny, because at the time I went to the mental hospital at age 15 (just turned 22 today!!8) ) I felt as if I was truly mentally retarded and all of the people I knew just played on that I was smart to make me feel better. My girlfriend at the time was only with me because she felt sorry for me, my parents were probably plotting to kill me, etc.
I only spent a week getting stabilized. It was a life-changing experience. I told my family doctor that I thought of killing myself. It really was only suicide ideation, which is different from being suicidal. She said I could go to the hospital voluntarily or she could call a cop car to take me. Whether she could have legally gotten me committed is beside the point, I went, and learned a lot. A lot.
I had confidence like I had never had before once I was out of there. I felt smarter than I ever had. I never felt smart, I have usually been rather socially-awkward. But this felt like me at my truest potential. I had first went on SSRIs around the age of 13 or 14. I was having panic attacks, and the same doctor let me try Paxil. I loved it, it was really bad for me now that I look at it. I made extremely reckless decisions and didn't care - I felt happy. Key word - 'felt.'
I met the first love of my life, about 4 or 5 months after taking them. I was a heavy cannabis user at this time (my first panic attack happened after smoking with some friends I didn't feel too comfortable with. And it was really more like an extremely stressful and paranoid, but mild psychotic episode now that I think back.) I was getting into a lot of trouble with my parents for smoking marijuana, so I stopped for her, but I also wanted to stop the SSRIs because I knew they were taking away true feeling.
So I did - the first three days it felt like my emotions where on eggshells, I could cry at the drop of the hat; crying felt great, considering I could actually feel it, I knew I was getting my emotions back and it felt good to cry over anything.
Well I fell head over heels for this girl, and my personality almost completely changed. I was much more artistic, emotional, (I grew up being very, very, very sensitive and emotional. Nice people referred to me as 'soft hearted,' a lot of people called me a 'crybaby.' :roll: ) feminine, and ..smart. I never really thought of myself as smart at the time, or maybe I did, but not like I do to this day. My girlfriend had a very intelligent demeanor to her, and it really, really stimulated something inside of me, and I wanted to show her that I could be up on her 'level.' Towards the end of the relationship (while I was on meds) she described as 'leaving her in the dust' ..intellectually at least.
She influenced me to be much more in control of myself in general. Yeah, I was much more emotional, but I didn't have anger outbursts, fighting wasn't cool anymore, not violent, and she got me interested in playing music because she was in band. I almost envied her at first, which I had a tendency to do up until that point with girls I liked.
So I quit the first run of SSRIs (this is going somehwere VERY interesting, I promise:wink: ) around the age of 15, a few months before I turned, actually. I began to fully use my potential, which I don't believe I had ever truly did for a long time. I think after 8 years old, I really started losing myself. I joined band, which had never been done at my school if you didn't play in middle school band. I practiced my soul out. I wanted to be a part of something, and even before I met this girl, I had seen the drumline, and it captivated me. (It still does.)
I had a lot of stress to preform well. I wanted to be better than everyone one day, which is normal, it's a healthy competitive environment. I had always did good in school, but my freshman year when I was on the SSRI originally, I didn't have a care in the world. School work was not important to me at all, and this is coming from the kid who would cry if he got a B. Yeah...
Hah, but my sophomore year, after I had met the girl, after I had stopped taking my original run of SSRIs, I took a load of extremely hard classes for a sophomore. Like advanced upperclassmen stuff, I was trying SO HARD. It wasn't that I was having trouble in the classes, I was just putting WAY too much pressure on myself. It comes back to the smart thing, SO MANY people always shove it down my throat how uniquely intelligent I am, so for awhile I had been trying to push it off subconsciously, now I was trying to make up for it by consciously embracing it. I also had started smoking cannabis again, I got my girlfriend high for her first time, we had some good times. But I started using it like I used to - all the time. But where as before I always wanted to escape, I wanted weed now to deal with my problems, rather than escape them. I really consider that abusing marijuana. That was more than a tool for me, I would always want to at least have weed. And the more stressed I got, the I smoked.
It got to the point to where I would stay up to the wee-hours of the morning smoking down to relieve stress. I had to do that because of the massive amounts of homework, I had never seen such homework in my life! I was only fifteen years old, have had anxiety in the past, am a very sensitive person (that evidently has the capability to be very insensitive) who was smoking cannabis - not a large quantity or quality of marijuana, just very, very often. Before school, after school, especially during the night, I had trouble sleeping, so I would also fight that stress off by smoking.
Well I don't know where it went from dealing with my problems, to causing them (maybe the point I decided marijuana was a necessity?) But I became very unstable. I had been off the SSRIs now for a good 6 months, if not longer with no problems. But I was SOOOOO stressed. So stressed. Not having weed would just stress me out as well. (I was really trying to relive my happy-go-lucky, carefree (reckless) freshman years.) I remember crying over a lot, a lot of things. I had rather recently obtained the mindset of "it's truly okay to cry," so it's almost like I would force it. Then I started feeling really, really down on myself. I was stupid, hopeless - a failure.
A long time ago, around the time of my original SSRI treatment (age 13 I believe, maybe 14) I had some pretty intense cannabis experiences. (before the panic attack that caused me to seek help.) I was really questioning religion at the time, and had pretty much stopped believing in Jesus as a magical figure. But one night I saw him! I knew it wasn't him, I knew it, but he was there, and it meant a lot to me. I saw 'the light,' type of experience. I remember staring at myself in the mirror, and out of nowhere getting the first stint of horrible anxiety I had ever felt in my life. But I did not know what that was at all, I just kind of went with it. I never thought of it as a religious experience, just more of a mental mystical experience. (It was my first psychedelic experience. And while it was very scary, I was VERY curious to what happened.)
The days following, I was pretty depresonalized, living in some derealization for sure. It lasted for another week or two, when I went over to the friend's house that I didn't feel comfortable at, smoked, had a FULL BLOWN panic attack.
But that little side-story never crossed my mind at the time. Sooner than later I began to ACTUALLY think there was a GOOD chance I was, if not mentally retarded, WELL, well below any kind of average. I KNEW, pretty much every time someone would happen to look my way while laughing, they where laughing at ME. I could go on forever about my symptoms, but I was pretty awful on the inside, weird though, hardly anyone could see it on the out.
Skip to me getting out of the mental hospital. I was feeling 'healed,' better than ever. (Before that, I remember riding to the mental hospital telling myself over, and over, and over in my head, "I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy." I shortly realized in that longest one week ever - I had been.) ((I kind of cheated though, I never was up front about how much I enjoyed cannabis and how much I smoked it. That hurt me a lot, I ended up believing that later on, while I was ON the meds - the anti psychotic meds.) Hah, the first thing I did was spark up a joint I had, not knowing I wouldn't get to smoke it for over a week. I got really pleasantly stoned, it was very pleasant. I was still adjusting to the medication so I slept a lot, would almost pass out at times, could hardly stand up, and in the mornings - horrible akathesia, which is the feeling of 'intense inner restlessness; the akathesia got worse as time went on, which is a HUGE reason I stopped taking them, along with the, 'I'm healed now, don't need these' mentality. (Which after another stint or two with them, I feel safer and more sure than ever saying that today.
)But I got a lot of attention for what I went through. Nobody had dealt with somebody who had mental illness it seemed. I'm sure few had, and probably most hadn't seen a peer with my exact kind of mental illness. Everyone was so fascinated. I really led it on, I liked the attention. That's when I started believing all of my bullcrap and basically came as delusional as I was before. I felt too smart for most people, I was ready to start college at age 15, and I was obsessed with math. I did function at a 'high level' at the time, but the more time went on, the more out of whack I felt. Something just didn't feel 'right.' And the horrible side effects where a perfect reason to quit. I had to take the medication between 6-7pm so the akathesia would wear off by 11 or 12 noon. An hour after taking it, I was 'sloshed,' two hours, very intoxicated, three hours, debilitated. I never remembered going to bed. And the more I took it, the worse I would feel in the morning. I couldn't concentrate, couldn't focus, could not sit still for the life of me! No way.
I would go through these 'highs' where I felt almost euphoric. One time a teacher told me to leave the class because I was zoning out so hard, I looked ...'mental' so say the least. During these highs I would have extremely associative thinking, I was almost over-bearing. And I wouldn't even be high on cannabis.
Well I ended up stopping the anti-psychotic, but continuing the SSRI. I quit the SSRI a little later and was on nothing, except cannabis. I was really happy. It was a pretty 'true' time in my life. But then school started back up, the pressure was on, so I went back on the SSRI. That's when I started hanging out with a lot more people than I ever had and partying a lot for the first time in my life. Before that I had some pretty grandiose views on myself, while I was son the anti-psychotic, but I went through a very humbling phase while on nothing at all. I just used the SSRI for the same reason that got me into trouble with pot - a crutch.
It was sometime into my JR year that I tried my first psychedelic. We thought it was going to be LSD, it ended up being a DOx, probably I from what I read. I had a great time, and wanted more. I was pretty bummed it wasn't actual LSD though. Keep in mind I was on SSRIs at the time, I made sure to read into it that LSD was safe, it said if anything, it tends to diminish the experience. I know now, it definitely does. But once I tried that first true hit of LSD, I felt at home, ya know? I immediately tried a much higher dose and had such a great time. I also tried mushrooms a few times which I also loved.
I started to become pretty fearless. And I had a pretty much whole new gang of friends who all thought I was 'cool.' I thought they were cool, hell we still are cool. :thumb_up: ha, but it got to me, and was very cocky. I also was almost fearless when it came to psychedelics. I always said if someone was to hand my acid, I would stick it in my mouth no questions asked, which I would have. I had some really intense times, even scary moments, but never had a bad trip. In the back of my mind I 'knew' the SSRIs where helping prevent that.
Long story short, I went back on and off of anti-psychotics for a while, two more 'stints.' I tried LSD while I was taking seroquel, which I thought was also quite a fine experience. My girlfriend broke up with me, and it shattered me. I just on the SSRI's at the time. (the seroquel and LSD actually came after the breakup). But the SSRIs basically helped, key word, helped me turn into a douchebag. I deserved to be broken up with. But we still talk today, and it's always very healthy conversations.
I used to say "I wish I could be on a low dose of LSD every day." Tripping, but not hard enough to lose yourself.
The last age I took any SSRI or anti-psychotic was either 18 or 19. I tried so many combinations, I was looking for the perfect feeling and realized I wasn't ever going to feel perfect. I'm 22 years old (today!) and I haven't touched a psychotropic drug in over 2 years. I'm happier than ever, true happiness.
My life actually feels more challenging than ever, but I'm happy about it. A couple of years back, while not on any meds, a really good friend of mine's little brother had an AWFULLY BAD trip. Like screaming, saying INSANE scary stuff, the 'whole 9 yards,' and it really made it difficult to trip after that for awhile. I tried LSD a couple of times after that and found it very uncomfortable, but still not enough to have a 'bad time' overall.
I had tripped probably about 15 to 20 times up until then, on LSD alone. I thought it was almost impossible for stuff to go wrong. In the two years since then I had about 6 LSD experiences that where rather challenging. I am very careful with psychedelics, especially do to my past. Well, while I was on SSRIs, I was quite reckless with them.
I did LSD a couple days ago and had a truly great experience. Nothing to cloud it up, didnt even smoke weed for about 6 hours after dosing. I've been getting into psychedelics recently. Something inside of me tells me they are truly great for me. That helps guide me. I know there is valid understand to gather.
I stumbled upon a post I found highly interested about LSD and someone who had previous mental health issues. Everyone told them it was a no-way, when it definitely depends on the person. I know first hand. I really can't wait to give my input on that thread. But I have a 11 week daughter now. She's beautiful, the love of my life. The second love of my life whom I met about 6 months after my friend had a bad trip.
I have never lost the urge. I did it about 3 or 4 times while I was with her for the past year and a half. Almost two years actually. Each time was good, but overall rough. She went through some serious post poppadum depression and left on a whim. She is acting pretty close to psychotic at times, being really threatening. Out of nowhere. But she's been making it very clear to me that she is only trying to bring me down for whatever reason, and between that and my daughter, it's making me stronger than ever before.
I forgot what a true, good LSD experience was like. And I can't say I've ever truly had one until the other day because all of my good experiences had been watered down with SSRIs. (Another reason I quit SSRIs at one time is because I was interested in psychedellics, especially the phenethylamines, which you shouldn't combine with SSRIs.)It really helped me out a lot. I am so used to depression, I actually embraced it at one point in my life. Recently I have been trying to overcome it. I was making slow progress, but I wasn't for sure of myself. Psychedelics really help me focus on me, helps me get over fears and insecurities, realize that the world out there is a vast and lovely place.
Between all of that, and the fact that my friend gave me a point of DMT for my birthday, I now have sitting around, I thought this would be the perfect place for me to go because I have really wanted to be apart of an online psychedelic community for a long time, just couldn't find one that I felt was right. I like this place. I hope I continue to. I could keep going on forever about my story, but that is something you really need to learn as you go.
But I have only experienced a mild DMT experience. Finished off a bowl that someone couldn't finish. I really want an intense, life changing DMT experience. I think I will find DMT more meaningful than LSD or mushrooms for sure. Hah, I actually watched DMT: The Spirit Molecule while I was on acid and it was VASTLY AMUSING. Lol, I hope to continue the responsible, healthy, and productive use of psychedelics. My main problem for having rough-ish experiences in the past is, I used to use it as a good time. I thought that's what it was for. Until I saw the bad trip, the empty, hollow black saucers staring through me. Heh, I forgot why I did them. A lot of my trips ended up being 'experiments.' I'm going to see what happens, or a 'test.' I'm going to test myself. Now I know the reason I do it is out of an ultimate pursuit of reaching my full potential, but that in itself is very complicated, it's a long journey...it's learned - an acquired taste if you will. I also like to look at it as an academic class I hope to pass one day, although you can only study so much, my test will be different than yours, and vice versa.
Thanks for reading this awfully long introduction. Please feel free to ask me any questions, I didn't quite get it all out, and I need to people to question me and what not to, you know, 'pull' it out of me. :shock:
Oh yeah, I wanted to add that the thread title is meant to be ironic. I don't actually think I'm more interesting than anyone else any kind of nature, it's just in the society that we are in, I do tend to stand out. And I'm really intelligent, just working on being smarter.
(Mainly happier.)This post was rather solemn and mono-tone if you ask me. This isn't like my usual personality, I'm usually a lot more laid-back and WAY less serious. I love to joke and laugh. But this post really took me to some serious moments of my life. Feels good to share it, sorry it was so long. That's why I am stopping myself ..NOW
