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my detailed story of my first experience with ayahuasca

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cecil_cbr

cecil_cbr

Rising Star
This is my pretty detailed story of how i learned about ayahuasca and how it entered my life. I realize this is going to be kinda long, but whatever- if only 1 person reads this it doesn't matter as long as they benefit from it i will be happy. First of all, i never even knew what ayahuasca was until about 2 1/2 months ago when it was briefly mentioned in a book i was reading, but other than a few small details it didn't mention a whole lot. This intrigued me enough though to get on google and do some research on this amazing drink and see what it had to offer.

I have tried mushrooms a few times in my life and a very mild dose of acid one time but other than that i've only had the typical drugs that most people have had: weed, alcohol, some different kinds of pills and the harder stuff like cocaine and crystal meth (which is actually pretty enjoyable but i only do it maybe once every 2 or 3 years or so when it somehow just comes across my path). When i read about ayahuasca, it blew my mind away. It sounded like the most incredible thing on the planet and i had the most intense desire to find somewhere to experience it. The only reason i have ever done any kind of drug in my life however is purely for an escape from reality, because for the most part my life has been a disaster and no matter where i go or what i do in life something bad is waiting around the corner to destroy me.

I have never really known peace or happiness in my life except when i was a kid i guess, and ever since i started high school (which was around 12 years ago) i have had the most unbelievable bad luck you could possibly think of. All my friends turned on me for no reason at all one year, and after some pretty horrific events happened that year i stupidly attempted suicide at the lowest point in my life. It took me a good year or so to fully recover and start to be myself again, but I still had quite a few haunting memories and flashbacks during that time. By time i started my senior year, I was pretty excited to finally be at the top of the ladder and hopefully enjoy my last year of school. That was wishful thinking I guess, because when football started that fall, (a sport I loved) i ended up being the only senior on the entire team to get put on the j-v squad with no chance of ever playing, solely because the coach hated me. My school was tiny and even the shittiest players who join get to play, but for some reason i didn't even though i was a good athlete and easily good enough to play (and a senior for f*** sake). After that my self esteem plummeted back down again and to make matters worse my family life at home was a wreck, with my parents in the middle of a divorce and my dad screaming at the top of his lungs at us every night and causing terrible anxiety in the home.
 
I had friends, but for some reason i couldn't get any girls because nobody would really give me a chance. I got laughed at alot because i have pretty large ears, so i always had to keep my hair long to try and hide them. I also was born with tourettes, so I have incredibly horrible tics that i can't really control which kinda made me look like a fool. I use to smoke alot of weed and drink alot in high school to try and numb the pain, but it was only a temporary fix. My only true escape would come at night when i could just sleep and forget about everything in my life, but even that was a rarity for me. I had to move out of the basement of my house into another room upstairs because of a ghost who wouldn't stop haunting me. I couldn't see it or anything, but it would always shake my bed and pull on my covers at night and make strange noises to the point where it would scare the shit out of me. I would wake up some mornings and see pictures from the wall laying on the floor or the light bulbs in the bathroom shattered on the ground and other really creepy things. It got so out of hand that we contacted a native american medicine man that our family knew to drive the spirit out of our house. Nobody else in the family knew about it but me, because for some reason it would never mess with anyone else in the family but me.

Graduating and getting out of my house and home town was an enormous relief for me, as i couldn't wait to leave and finally be on my own. College turned out to be better than high school for me, but for some reason i still couldn't find a single girl to like me and after being rejected by every girl i ever tried for i pretty much just gave up and hit another huge low point in my life. I have been through alot of pain in my life ranging from emotional to extreme physical pain but this was by far the worst. Watching all the happy couples that i saw every day and constantly being shut down by every girl i tried for gave me the most incredible, piercing pain that i’ve ever felt. I got called a loser and other degrading names more times than I can count. I tried to hide it from my friends and family because it was really embarassing and depressing, so i would lie alot so they wouldn't really know the true story about me. Every day i just wanted to be dead pretty much, but i couldn't just leave my family because it would be too painful for them, so i just tried to get through it the best i could even though i was always broke and lonely. On many different occasions at night i would be revisited by another spirit presence that would do alot of the same kind of things that happened to me in high school, but i wasn't sure if it was the same presence or someone else. It got to the point where i was terrified to sleep at night, and for a while i had to sleep with a light source nearby because i was so scared.

Around every corner there was always some sort of bad luck happening to me, and i started to think i was maybe cursed somehow. All these negative things kept coming into my life, and i just couldn't understand what was going on. I tried to let things go alot and continue on with my life but for some reason everybody i ran into in life knew there was something wrong with me. Girls would always slam me pretty hard even when i acted confident or just tried to be normal like all my other friends, but they just picked me out for some reason and felt compelled to make fun of me. It even got to the point where i was walking up the stairs to my apartment after work one day when a 8 or 9 year old girl i'd never seen before pointed at me with her friends and started laughing saying "he's a loser!" It was then when i finally had enough and started crying out to God every night asking "why?" "Why are you letting me be destroyed like this?" I was trying so hard to find happiness but it was nowhere in sight. I got extremely depressed and had a hard time even waking up in the morning and getting out of bed. I pretty much just became numb and thought there was no hope for me. I moved away, got my own apartment and just stayed by myself every night to get away from the world so i could be alone. I still had to keep a job to pay for my bills and rent, but i was so far in debt from school and credit cards that i never made any kind of progress. I did this for a little over a year, until i got fired from my job and had to move back to my hometown to get back on my feet. I'm glad i did though, because finally at 25 years old i met my first ever girlfriend who surprisingly liked me the first time i met her. It seemed like a miracle at the time, but then again she was a 17 year old manic depressive high school girl who had some serious psychological issues going on in her life, and the only reason i got to know her was because she was friends with my little sister, so it’s nothing to brag about i guess.
 
After that summer when she had to go back to school for her senior year i decided to move away again because i couldn't stand living in my hometown, it was just too depressing. I had to live in my car for awhile because i was broke but i figured i would find a job and then find a place sometime after that. Well weeks turned into months and i was approaching the 3 month mark living in my car with not a single place in the entire city willing to hire me. After applying to dozens upon dozens of places for weeks on end and only a few hundred dollars away from maxing out my credit card, i finally got an offer from dominos pizza willing to give me 12 hours a week at $8 an hour. It was a slap in the face and i knew it wouldn't be worth it so i turned it down. What was even worse was that it was winter time and it was starting to get really cold at night. I knew the same old negative force was at work in my life still when my heater went out in the middle of december, pretty much out of nowhere. I managed to get by for a few nights but it was pretty brutal. I decided one morning after waking up thinking I had frostbite on my toes to go ahead and charge another $200 to my credit card to get it fixed. Then, like pure fate, only 2 days after i got it fixed my heater went out AGAIN. The first time i needed a new motor for the fan because it wasn't blowing out any air at all, but now this time it was blowing the air just fine except it was only blowing cold air, not hot. This time the repairs were going to cost over $500 because it involved the heater block which was a much more serious problem than the first time. I could do nothing but throw my hands up in the air because i knew somebody hated me very much and was doing everything in their power to hurt me.

I went to a psychic shortly after to see if she could help me out and give me some answers, but it became clear to me after she kept asking me for more money and asking me to buy expensive candles and tabernacles that she was just tricking me and feeding me full of lies. I was so desperate at this point for some answers that i was willing to do anything. When i thought all hope was lost and i spent the last $25 on my credit card to fill up my gas tank, a miracle happened. I got a call from a staffing agency that i was speaking with who informed me of a job about 350 miles away who were willing to hire me if i was willing to move. I had no other choice, so within a day i hit the road and with about 75 cents worth of change to my name i made it to my destination on fumes with the needle on the "E" mark thinking i was going to run out of gas before i made it. The next year wasn't much better for me, but i was making good money because i was working close to 100 hours a week and pretty much just commiting all my time to working and making money. I still had that incredible emptiness inside though, and i started to get serious about reading esoteric books that i found on the internet in my spare time to try and help me out a bit. Long story short, i found a book that mentioned ayahuasca in one of the chapters and after some more reading and research on it, i felt like it could finally be the answer that i was looking for.

After about a week after i first learned about ayahuasca, i made daring move to quit my job and purchase a plane ticket for Peru to seek my healing from this plant that i hoped could give me some answers. I didn't know spanish and i didn't know what i was getting into, but i had a healing center picked out and i figured that worst come to worst i would find a hostel and maybe another american who could help me out and send me in the right direction. All went according to plan though, and, as promised, i was greeted at the airport by my translator and i was taken to the shaman's house for what would be my first ceremony that night. I was pretty nervous, but mostly excited because i had been thinking about this moment for days. When i took my first cup, i realized that what i was told was definitely true- it was an extremely horrible taste. But that was the last thing on my mind, and as i sat in my chair waiting patiently for the drug to kick in while the ceremony went on, i was starting to get confused because i couldn't feel anything. Hours passed and by time it was all over, i hadn't felt a single thing from it. I was very disappointed, but i was promised that the following ceremony in 2 days would prove to be much better, as we were going to the jungle for 5 days and i would have 2 more ceremonies while i was out there.
 
I wasnt sure why i didnt get the effects the first time, but i was willing to be patient and i prayed earnestly the next 2 days while continuing to be on a vegetable-only diet to prepare me a little better for the next time. When the night finally came for the next ceremony, i was very excited and felt confident that i would get a good experience that night. I was happy to see that a fellow american was joining me in the ceremony and would be out in the jungle with us for the remainder of the week, so i felt even better knowing i would have someone to talk to and that he could give me some advice since he had much experience with ayahuasca. When it came time to drink, i was told we had a much stronger batch then before, so i was certain that i would feel the effects this time. Minutes passed, and then hours passed and i was starting to wonder how long it would take for it to kick in. When i heard the numerous amount of puking going on around me and feeling no effects whatsoever, i became very upset and started to get the same old depressing feelings coming back, thinking about all the times i had been left out in life not getting my chance to experience what everyone else around me got to experience. When the ceremony ended, i could only go back to my hut with a great amount of disappointment, knowing i once again felt none of the effects of the brew. Not only did i not feel anything, but i didn't puke either, just like the night before. The next day, i asked my fellow american if he felt the effects, and he told me he had an amazing experience, so i was extremely confused on what was going on.

I prayed and meditated very intensely for the rest of the day, asking God and whoever might be listening to me to help me out and give me some answers. The next ceremony was that night, so i felt that if i did enough praying and asking and maybe took a much larger dose than before, maybe it would finally work for me. When the night came, I felt very confident, and I had a great expectancy of feeling the effects that night. I asked the shaman for a larger dose this time, and he happily gave me a full cup instead of the regular half a cup everyone else was drinking. After about an hour and a half passed, i asked for another cup because i still wasn't feeling anything. I guzzled another cup and sat patiently, listening to the beautiful icaros and just letting myself go without doing any kind of thinking. By time 3 or so hours had passed, i realized that once again that i drank this magical brew in vain, feeling zero effects while everyone else in the room were having an amazing experience. I was shattered. I felt tears start to come out of my eyes and i just wondered if maybe i didn't deserve anything good in life- maybe i was just meant to go on suffering forever until i died without receiving any kind of blessings. When it was my turn to sit in front of the shaman, i walked up to the chair sitting in front of him with my mind racing wanting to ask him a million questions about what was wrong with me. But instead of singing another icaro like he usually did and giving his answer afterwards, he instantly starting talking to my translator the second i sat down.

"You have many bad sins inside you right now, you need to be cleaned". I didn't know exactly what to think, but i knew that it was probably serious. "You have many sins inside you that is causing blockages to occur, and your sins are very numerous". Next he told me that there was an evil spirit inside of me, and it was causing much harm to me. I was starting to get scared at this point, but all i could do was sit and listen to what he had to say. "You have many bad sins from a previous life, and it comes from India and the Hindu". What could all this mean? I just sat there in the dark with my head down while the shaman put his hand over my head and said a prayer before he started singing again, this time to try and bless me and cleanse me. About half way through the song, i suddenly felt the need to purge and within seconds of grabbing my bucket, i started hurling immensely in what seemed like no reason at all considering i still had felt nothing. This went on for a good 5 or 6 minutes, and when he finished singing and i stopped puking i felt an astonishing revelation there, realizing that i did in fact have some major issues going on inside me and i felt incredibly helpless. Once again the shaman told me about my sins and that he was going to heal me and cleanse me and get rid of the evil spirit that was inflicting pain upon me. The feeling i got after i got up was amazing, even though i was still sober and just got done hurling and dry heaving for a good 5 minutes straight. When the ceremony ended, i went back to my bunk with alot of things swirling through my mind, asking a thousand questions to myself trying to understand what just happened to me.
 
I had 3 solid days until the final ceremony before i flew home, so i spent alot of time meditating and talking with my fellow friend as well as the shaman asking many questions and trying to get advice for myself before i went back home. I felt so much more at peace, and the energy that i felt there was wonderful. It was quite hot and the diet i was on was starting to get incredibly old, but i never complained to myself and i continued to try to answer some much needed questions while i spent the last few days at the resort. When it came time to leave, i took a few more pictures on my digital camera and headed back to iquitos with the group where i would be embarking on my final ayahuasca session at the shamans house that night before i headed back to the airport a couple days later. This was my last chance, and to leave Peru without a true ayahuasca trip seemed like a disaster to me. I prayed exceptionally hard and earnestly up to that point, and i was so desperate for it to work that night that i kept repeating over and over in my head, "please let me experience this tonight whoever is listening, i desperately need it". I asked for another large dose from the shaman, and in the course of an hour i ended up drinking 2 cups full just to make sure i would get enough. By time i started to purge, i realized that the effects were actually kicking in this time and I can’t even begin to tell you the immense joy i started to feel at that moment. It was love and peace like i've never experienced before inside of me, and i finally felt part of the world like i belonged. It took me a long time and alot of hell to get to this point in my life, but it felt so good to be there at that moment. It wasn’t a very strong experience by any means, but it was still something. By time i sat in front of the shaman toward the closing of the ceremony, he explained that I had been healed and cleansed. I definitely felt good, and although not all my questions were answered that trip, it was worth every penny of the $3000 or so i spent for the entire trip.
Did my body just need to get used to the drug before I felt the effects? Or did i actually have a negative entity blocking it in my body for the sake of preventing my healing? Was i really incarnated from a previous life in india where i committed many evil sins? Who was this negative entity trying to hurt me and did i bring it on myself because of my sins? I keep asking these questions and wondering what is really going on in my life. I have felt and seen the effects of pure hate and pain in my life for over 12 years now, and it was relentless and never wanted to leave me for some reason. For the longest time i couldn’t find relief anywhere, and even though i gained an incredible amount of experience from my trip to peru and from drinking ayahuasca, i still have a million questions on my mind and i can only wonder if i’m going in the right direction. I am going to keep on drinking aya to see if i can get a little bit more out of it in the future, and quite honestly i can see myself doing it another 100 times minimum. Am i the only one who has had this kind of experience with aya? Probably not, but regardless i am nowhere near finished and hopefully it will continue to guide me in the right direction in life and give me the answers i am desperately searching for.
 
Please forgive me but what a wonderful story albeit long. Your adversity will reap you great rewards. We humans are strong independent, self sufficient creatures. Imagine the gratitude you are capable of feeling. Your willingness to work to provide.

How about if your story was like this.

My mom and dad gave me everything as a child. I almost ran away from home but instead lived in the beach house for 6 months because for my 16th birthday i got a 3 series BMW when i asked for a 5 series. I was crushed. My dad made a generous donation to Harvard so i could go and get a 1.7 GPA. When i dropped out he bought me a company but i bankrupted it.

The fictional person in that story will most likely never appreciate anything. You on the otherhand might get a decent place with a porch and on a warm spring day have a tasty meal with your needs met and look back on your road and have a complete feeling of wholeness and satisfaction.

I personally dont believe you are paying for sins in previous life. (but wtf do I know) I believe we chose this life and how to cope with it we have to find in ourselves. To me you represent the indomitable human spirit that didnt give up. I commend and admire your suffering.
 
:d Cecil, you sound like a wonderful and brave Soul!

I can feel from your account that you are quickly going to overcome whatever is hindering you, the fact that you straight forward jumped on the plane to Peru proves your strengh and will: lots of people hesitate for years before daring to take a sip of the Medicine!

I can relate to your dissapointment after the first session: I also had moments of doubt when all I got the first time were mild uninteresting visuals.

The next session sure lived up to my expectations with 2 hour purge and psychic brain surgery (trust or panic)! I also understood that sometimes, the Medicine needs some time to 'scan' you before going on, a process which we might consider as 'no effects' at the moment.

Imho, partaking with a shaman seems to be a good idea in your case, if you already found a good one, all the better, and maybe it would be a good thing to take a longer vacation next time to be able to work as deep as needed with the Medicine.

Take care!
 
Thank You for sharing your story.
I wish you luck in your healing journey, the past is behind you and the future looks bright!

Blessings,
Once
 
Good luck on your path brother. By the sounds of it, you have a good dose of self-discipline that will help you on your journey. All the best, and keep believing in your self :)
 
That is quite a story, a shame that you have suffered so much hardship in your life, I hope the ayahuasca will help you see your wants and needs more clearly. With the ghosts that haunt/haunted you its quite possible that it is your on PK (psychokenesis) troubling you because of a negative attitude. If you could locate someone to assist you with redirecting these powers you may find more success in your life. Try and read up on poltergeist and PK theories they may not be exactly true but it's always a thought.

Happy Travels
 
Thanks for all the kind words everybody, much appreciated for sure

You're definitely right monkey, even though i can get pretty frustrated some days about things, i want to think that i'll look back someday and be happy about where my life has taken me and what i gained from it even though it sucked at times

rooftop - for sure, i cant wait to go back and i'll definitely stay longer next time and take part in more ceremonies to make it more worth while

rob - you could be right, i'm not sure. Last time i went back home to my dad's house (about a month and a half ago), i felt a little uneasy in the basement one night and sorta felt a presence there, and the next morning i saw a picture and a clock laying face down on the floor in the bathroom, so it kinda freeked me out. I haven't had any encounters for a couple years now, so seeing that happen that morning definitely got my attention. I don't know for sure but i think the spirit came back after i moved out, and i think next time i go home i'm gonna take a ouija board down there to see if i can find out. Anybody have any suggestions for this?
 
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