sonatine
Rising Star
I have just had the most wonderful, beautiful and healing experience of my life. I went to a ayahuasca healing retreeat, run by some of the most beautiful people I have ever met. They really knew what they were doing, and helped make the experience totally magical. It was around 15 other participants. I have never before met so many beautiful people in one go. We connected in such a deep level, in the end it felt like we had known eachother forever. During the day, we were hanging out in the sun, talking with eachoter, went for walks, were served wonderful vegan food, and were doing awesome kundalini yoga, run by a real guru. In the night we had ayahuasca sermonies three days in a row. We were staying in a big tent, and everyone had their own mattress, wich were laying in a big circle. The last day, we had a party were we were dancing, and the shaman playing live music for us with his band. It was totally perfect 
Before the retreet I had been eating vegan food for two weeks, and from 5 days ahed I followed the stict MAO-inhibitors diet, and no tv, malls, sex etc. Actually ayahuasca have made me go from beeing a vegetarian to vegan, without any struggle. I just feel so clean and light inside my body now! It have changed my life forever. It is the most powerful, beautiful and magical medicine in the whole world. The medicine has its own intelligence, and know excactly what you need. I am totally blown away..(as I guess you maybe can hear..haha...) I am so amazed of the beautiful spirit of ayahuasca, the mother of all medicine plants. She is such a pure form of real, pure and strong unconditional love. I love her so much, and I cant express with words how gratefull I am, for my whole experience and all the lessons she teached me. I am healed and changed in such a deep level, that I didnt even know was possible before. Of course I still have a lot of stuggels, and have to work hard integrating the lessons, and still learn and not fall back to the old ways. But my heart is so much more open, and I feel so much stronger at my core, its no way back now. I look so much forward to future meetings with her, and going even deeper into my healing and opening of my heart.....
Well, here comes the experiences in detail...
First night: 30 ml syrian rue, and 35 ml jurema.( By the way I am a 24 year old girl, 177 cm tall and 62 kilo.) About half an hour after drinking the harmala, things around me started to change. When people were moving I could see traces after them, and I could see colours, mostly pink and green neon, and my side sight were vibrating at times. Kind of a little bit like on acid. I felt heavy in my body, and quite dizzy and lightheaded. After 30 more minutes, the round had gotten back to me, and it was time to drink the jurema. This tasted a lot worse that the harmala, wich kind of tasted like cough medicine, but it was absolutley drinkable! I layed back down in my bed and waited..
After a little while i started to get visions. It was like hundreds of tiny squares in a group, wich all had the same pictures and coulours in it. And the groups of different squares mooved and changes quickly and continously. It was pictures like eyes and bugs, and different strange faces making faces at me, and actually bart simpson was shown a few times..hehe...that was really strange! In between the crazy mooving visions, I got beautiful visions followed by horrible, like children playing and then right after they got shot by a machinegun and it splashed blood everywhere. It was kind of cartoonish, with really bright colours.
Some of the mooving squeres started to become darker after a while, like rothening eyes and corpses..uugh..was really disturbing. But after maybe 2 hours I started to understand, that what aya was showing me, was my ego, and the negative energy accumulated in it thru life. My ego got deconstructed, and I could see the patterns in it, and how it works. I cant explane it with words, because it was shown from a really strange perspective, where words does not exist...
I started to get more and more nauceous, and then I sat up and started to purge. I was purging and purging, and all the grose images dissapeard down into the bucket!! It was so awesome and cleansing. Think I was purging for maybe 20 minuits, and when it stopped I could feel I had gotten out around half of the shit. Mother aya tried to convince me to purge more, but I couldnt, and we agreed I could finish it later.
After the purge I could not moove sense I was still very nauceous, so I was still sitting up, looking at everything around me that had changed again. It was beautiful coulours and patterns, and I even saw Mother aya! She is such a beautiful spirit, I could see her face as one with the colours and patterns. It was so beautiful, she looks like a goddess, and her face was really big, like she was maybe 5 meeters tall. She was smiling and sending me love! At one point a golden snake of light came towards me, toward my parts down there, and I was wondering what it was going to do.. It went inside my anus, and I could feel it moove upwards thrue my intestines, cleaning me for all toxins and dirt that was accumulated in there, it moved around in my stomack sack and up to my troath, and I open my mouth to let it out, but it turned around and went back down again and out my as. It was so strange, it felt very real, and still today, I feel much much cleaner inside!
Sence I was sitting up for so long, one of the helpers came over and asked if I were okey, and started to stroke me on my back. That changed me into a black cat! I could totally feel how it is to be a cat, they are so balanced and in touch with themself and nature. They love themself unconditionally, and never judge anyone. (Self judgment and self love, turned out to be my main lessons during my three ayahuasca sermonies...) The squares was still coming up by the way, but not as intense, and when I saw something grose, instead of looking away in disgust, I looked closer and tryed to love it, and then it changed, a bunch of bugs changed into blueberries! And when I then realised I just had to accept the dark for what it is, and give it my attention and love, I saw theese twinkeling light blue diamonds, and I could feel mother aya smiling at me. Everytime I kept understanding tiny lessons like that, the diamonds came back, and I could also hear the sound of them..hehe.. At one point I saw a tiny little black baby panther, that was stumbeling around playing, he was sooo cuuuute! I also saw a tiny dolphine. In the corner of my eye I could at times see beeings watching me, they were smiling towards me and were really excited, I could feel so much love coming from them. When I turned to look at them they dissappeard. She also showed be what my life would feel like in the future, if I change and learn the lessons she was showing me. I could see into this vision from behind some beautiful green palmleafs, is was a white beach with lightblue wather, and in a hammock in the distance, I saw me and man, wich I understood is my true twinflame. It felt soooo good, and the ammount of love, balance and wonderful emotions that I felt, was so much more than I could ever imagen possible. I hope and belive I really will feel that way in the future, when I dont live thru my ego anymore, but thru my heart...
After about 6 hours I felt ready to stand up, and went to the kitchen for some soup. The afterglow was amazing. I felt sooo happy and full of love! The next morning everyone commented that I looked changed, and I totally was. I continued to work on the main lesson mother aya showed me, wich was that I have to stop judging myself. Judging is a really complex thing, and I was not aware I was doing it so much! Now I could see so clearly everytime I was doing it, even the tiniest judgments, wich I could never imaged had hurted me so much as it had in the past. But with any judment inside of you, you do not have the possibility to give yourself 100% unconditional love!! I realised that everytime I was thinking that other people judged something in me, it was only me judging myself thru them. And if they really were judging me, it is not my problem, beacause then its only them judging themself thru me. It has nothing to do with me, and is nothing I can controll. Everytime I am judging someone else, it is also only me judging my self, thru them. They act like a mirror, the tings I judge in them, is things I am or would not accept in myself. And you have to accept every aspect of yourself, to be able to experience 100% unconditional self-love.
The second experience: 30ml syrian rue, but from another brew that was a lot stronger. I never got the chance to drink the jurema, as I started to trip hard on the syrian rue.
After drinking it I layed down in my bed, waiting for the effects to come. After quite a short time, maybe 20 minuits, I started to feel a strong sensation mooving from the inside of my legs and upwards my body. It felt like a really strong and overwhelming energy, that were spinning around inside of me. When it had spread to my whole body, I couldnt moove or talk or do anything. And I started to feel REALLY nauoceous, its the worst level of nauseousness I have ever experienced. If I mooved my head only a cm, I felt I had to throw up.
Occasionally I could see the squares from last night, but they were far away and not as strong. After about an hour laying there, I couldnt bear it anymore, and started to throw up. My whole body was cramping and shaking, and it felt like I was going to throw up my intestines. It kept on going and going, and it must have looked as crazy as it felt, because two of the helpers came ower.
To sit up was like hell, I was so exctreemly dizzy and sick, it felt like I had overdosed on alcohol, acid and some type of poison. It was so horrible, I was almost begging to just die. I couldnt understand how it was possible feeling so much pain, and not die from it!! I was in absolute hell.
When I finally layed back down, I started having visions. It was real images, like from a dream. Some of them was random happenings from my childhood, and I could feel the emotions attached to the memories. At some point a song came, where the icaros were singing and playing on some special instruments. Then I got this strong vision about beeing a north american indian, long before the white people came to America. It was so beautiful! I could really feel how it felt to live at that time. They were so in touch with themself and the nature around them. And they had such love for eachother and everything. I was a little girl in that vision too, maybe 8 years old, and I looked down at my light brown leather clotes and at my black hair. And strangly enough, I started to feel the presence of mother aya, and she was smiling towards me. When the song stopped, I got out of the vision, and back to hell. It kept on going forever, and at some point I must have passed out, because after about 6-7 hours that I had drunk the harmala, I woke up. I felt a lot better then, and was able to go to the kitchen. I still had a lot of the acid like visuals, like 10 times stronger as the day before. I ate a little pice of soup, and went to sleep.
The next day, I felt really emotional and depressed. I was really worried that the experience would repeet itself that night, and I wouldnt be able to drink more ayahuasca while I was on the retreet.
So the last night, I started with drinking just a tiny sip of syrian rue, maybe 10ml. After an hour I coulnt feel anything, and I felt safe to drink more, and drunk about 15ml I think. After about 30 minuits I could feel a tiny effect from it, and when the round came back to me, then I drunk about 25ml of jurema. I layed down in my bed thinking that it would never work, sence it was so little. But OMG, I was wrong about that. I ended up having the most INSANE experience I have ever had....
I started feeling really nauseous, and I could hear people throwing up all around me..hehe...that didnt excactly help..I have never been listening to so much throwing up before.. Suddently I started to throw up, but is was only not a regular throw up, but a real heavy purge. I could feel how all the leftovers from the first night came out. Even though it was painful, it felt so wonderful and cleansing. I felt so pure inside when I was done. And quicly after, the world around me started to change. It was like a full dmt breaktrue, I was in another universe. Or it was more like inside this void, a void between realities and universes.
I cant express this place with words, because nothing from this world could exict in there. It was so strange. But it was a lot of colours and it all was constantly changing, moving ang pulsating. It was kind of like chaos is there, no order in anything. My whole exictent god slowly ripped and torn apart. The place had its own inteligense, it was alive, and was doing this things to me on perpous. It was pressing me to just accept and surrender. It was so heavy and so much physical and mental pressure. In the end I felt like I was only this tiny peace of counsiousness and awareness.
I was not able to think, only exict in the now. Time did not exict in there, and I truly got to experience what it meens to live in the now. I could have been in there for weeks for all I know. It was so crazy. I think I started to land a bit, because I was after a while able to register things from this reality. Like when I could hear someone singing, I was like oh thats something I know what is! I recognise that. haha..
And I started to land more and more, the chaos around me started to settle, and I could see the helpers walking around. I was really surprised it was possible to land again, and come back to this reality! I was still heavy tripping, but now things started to feel so insanly blissfull!! I was kind of back to the core of who I really am, without my ego. I felt like a newborn child. And while I was in this state, one of the helpers blew up theese two glowing ballons, wich it stood party time on, and that is totally what it felt like. AAh, I cant express this with words eather, it all just felt soooo insaaaanly GOOOOOD, it was like I had taken hundreds of extacy pills. In contrast to the night before, I was supprised it was possible feeling this much bliss and extacy and not die from it..hehe..
The helpers were dancing around in the circle, and it was so facinating to watch, especially the one with the ballons in his hands. I saw two people talking, and communication, ooh it was so beautiful! I could really feel and understand how we are all one, how we all come from and are a part of the same source. It is so so so beautiful. Undescibably beautiful.
OMG it felt so good, I had to touch my skin all time and was twisting and making sounds of plesure. I remember I wished I had a boyfreind at that time..haha.. I really wanted a massage, but it would be so unapropiate that anyone else than a boyfriend would give it to me right then. It felt like I had orgasms in my whole body!! It was so sensual and sexual and just blissful, and so pure! I wonder how it would feel like to make love in that state...hehe...
After a while I sat more up, and watched all the things around me. One of the helpers came over and hugged me. He was holding me and singing to me for a long time, and it actually helped me heal the hole from not having a father in my life...!! It was so incredible beautiful and healing, I am so grateful to him..
After what felt like days in extacy, I landed completly, and went to the kitchen to get some soup. I was really surprised it was still dark. It had been only around 6 hours, but it felt like an iternity. I had a spectacular afterglow. I felt so cleansed and in touch with myself, I felt like a child again! After eating I was sitting outside by the fire...
ahh, it was all sooo beautiful. The best time of my life!!!
Before the retreet I had been eating vegan food for two weeks, and from 5 days ahed I followed the stict MAO-inhibitors diet, and no tv, malls, sex etc. Actually ayahuasca have made me go from beeing a vegetarian to vegan, without any struggle. I just feel so clean and light inside my body now! It have changed my life forever. It is the most powerful, beautiful and magical medicine in the whole world. The medicine has its own intelligence, and know excactly what you need. I am totally blown away..(as I guess you maybe can hear..haha...) I am so amazed of the beautiful spirit of ayahuasca, the mother of all medicine plants. She is such a pure form of real, pure and strong unconditional love. I love her so much, and I cant express with words how gratefull I am, for my whole experience and all the lessons she teached me. I am healed and changed in such a deep level, that I didnt even know was possible before. Of course I still have a lot of stuggels, and have to work hard integrating the lessons, and still learn and not fall back to the old ways. But my heart is so much more open, and I feel so much stronger at my core, its no way back now. I look so much forward to future meetings with her, and going even deeper into my healing and opening of my heart.....
Well, here comes the experiences in detail...
First night: 30 ml syrian rue, and 35 ml jurema.( By the way I am a 24 year old girl, 177 cm tall and 62 kilo.) About half an hour after drinking the harmala, things around me started to change. When people were moving I could see traces after them, and I could see colours, mostly pink and green neon, and my side sight were vibrating at times. Kind of a little bit like on acid. I felt heavy in my body, and quite dizzy and lightheaded. After 30 more minutes, the round had gotten back to me, and it was time to drink the jurema. This tasted a lot worse that the harmala, wich kind of tasted like cough medicine, but it was absolutley drinkable! I layed back down in my bed and waited..
After a little while i started to get visions. It was like hundreds of tiny squares in a group, wich all had the same pictures and coulours in it. And the groups of different squares mooved and changes quickly and continously. It was pictures like eyes and bugs, and different strange faces making faces at me, and actually bart simpson was shown a few times..hehe...that was really strange! In between the crazy mooving visions, I got beautiful visions followed by horrible, like children playing and then right after they got shot by a machinegun and it splashed blood everywhere. It was kind of cartoonish, with really bright colours.
Some of the mooving squeres started to become darker after a while, like rothening eyes and corpses..uugh..was really disturbing. But after maybe 2 hours I started to understand, that what aya was showing me, was my ego, and the negative energy accumulated in it thru life. My ego got deconstructed, and I could see the patterns in it, and how it works. I cant explane it with words, because it was shown from a really strange perspective, where words does not exist...
I started to get more and more nauceous, and then I sat up and started to purge. I was purging and purging, and all the grose images dissapeard down into the bucket!! It was so awesome and cleansing. Think I was purging for maybe 20 minuits, and when it stopped I could feel I had gotten out around half of the shit. Mother aya tried to convince me to purge more, but I couldnt, and we agreed I could finish it later.
After the purge I could not moove sense I was still very nauceous, so I was still sitting up, looking at everything around me that had changed again. It was beautiful coulours and patterns, and I even saw Mother aya! She is such a beautiful spirit, I could see her face as one with the colours and patterns. It was so beautiful, she looks like a goddess, and her face was really big, like she was maybe 5 meeters tall. She was smiling and sending me love! At one point a golden snake of light came towards me, toward my parts down there, and I was wondering what it was going to do.. It went inside my anus, and I could feel it moove upwards thrue my intestines, cleaning me for all toxins and dirt that was accumulated in there, it moved around in my stomack sack and up to my troath, and I open my mouth to let it out, but it turned around and went back down again and out my as. It was so strange, it felt very real, and still today, I feel much much cleaner inside!
Sence I was sitting up for so long, one of the helpers came over and asked if I were okey, and started to stroke me on my back. That changed me into a black cat! I could totally feel how it is to be a cat, they are so balanced and in touch with themself and nature. They love themself unconditionally, and never judge anyone. (Self judgment and self love, turned out to be my main lessons during my three ayahuasca sermonies...) The squares was still coming up by the way, but not as intense, and when I saw something grose, instead of looking away in disgust, I looked closer and tryed to love it, and then it changed, a bunch of bugs changed into blueberries! And when I then realised I just had to accept the dark for what it is, and give it my attention and love, I saw theese twinkeling light blue diamonds, and I could feel mother aya smiling at me. Everytime I kept understanding tiny lessons like that, the diamonds came back, and I could also hear the sound of them..hehe.. At one point I saw a tiny little black baby panther, that was stumbeling around playing, he was sooo cuuuute! I also saw a tiny dolphine. In the corner of my eye I could at times see beeings watching me, they were smiling towards me and were really excited, I could feel so much love coming from them. When I turned to look at them they dissappeard. She also showed be what my life would feel like in the future, if I change and learn the lessons she was showing me. I could see into this vision from behind some beautiful green palmleafs, is was a white beach with lightblue wather, and in a hammock in the distance, I saw me and man, wich I understood is my true twinflame. It felt soooo good, and the ammount of love, balance and wonderful emotions that I felt, was so much more than I could ever imagen possible. I hope and belive I really will feel that way in the future, when I dont live thru my ego anymore, but thru my heart...
After about 6 hours I felt ready to stand up, and went to the kitchen for some soup. The afterglow was amazing. I felt sooo happy and full of love! The next morning everyone commented that I looked changed, and I totally was. I continued to work on the main lesson mother aya showed me, wich was that I have to stop judging myself. Judging is a really complex thing, and I was not aware I was doing it so much! Now I could see so clearly everytime I was doing it, even the tiniest judgments, wich I could never imaged had hurted me so much as it had in the past. But with any judment inside of you, you do not have the possibility to give yourself 100% unconditional love!! I realised that everytime I was thinking that other people judged something in me, it was only me judging myself thru them. And if they really were judging me, it is not my problem, beacause then its only them judging themself thru me. It has nothing to do with me, and is nothing I can controll. Everytime I am judging someone else, it is also only me judging my self, thru them. They act like a mirror, the tings I judge in them, is things I am or would not accept in myself. And you have to accept every aspect of yourself, to be able to experience 100% unconditional self-love.
The second experience: 30ml syrian rue, but from another brew that was a lot stronger. I never got the chance to drink the jurema, as I started to trip hard on the syrian rue.
After drinking it I layed down in my bed, waiting for the effects to come. After quite a short time, maybe 20 minuits, I started to feel a strong sensation mooving from the inside of my legs and upwards my body. It felt like a really strong and overwhelming energy, that were spinning around inside of me. When it had spread to my whole body, I couldnt moove or talk or do anything. And I started to feel REALLY nauoceous, its the worst level of nauseousness I have ever experienced. If I mooved my head only a cm, I felt I had to throw up.
Occasionally I could see the squares from last night, but they were far away and not as strong. After about an hour laying there, I couldnt bear it anymore, and started to throw up. My whole body was cramping and shaking, and it felt like I was going to throw up my intestines. It kept on going and going, and it must have looked as crazy as it felt, because two of the helpers came ower.
To sit up was like hell, I was so exctreemly dizzy and sick, it felt like I had overdosed on alcohol, acid and some type of poison. It was so horrible, I was almost begging to just die. I couldnt understand how it was possible feeling so much pain, and not die from it!! I was in absolute hell.
When I finally layed back down, I started having visions. It was real images, like from a dream. Some of them was random happenings from my childhood, and I could feel the emotions attached to the memories. At some point a song came, where the icaros were singing and playing on some special instruments. Then I got this strong vision about beeing a north american indian, long before the white people came to America. It was so beautiful! I could really feel how it felt to live at that time. They were so in touch with themself and the nature around them. And they had such love for eachother and everything. I was a little girl in that vision too, maybe 8 years old, and I looked down at my light brown leather clotes and at my black hair. And strangly enough, I started to feel the presence of mother aya, and she was smiling towards me. When the song stopped, I got out of the vision, and back to hell. It kept on going forever, and at some point I must have passed out, because after about 6-7 hours that I had drunk the harmala, I woke up. I felt a lot better then, and was able to go to the kitchen. I still had a lot of the acid like visuals, like 10 times stronger as the day before. I ate a little pice of soup, and went to sleep.
The next day, I felt really emotional and depressed. I was really worried that the experience would repeet itself that night, and I wouldnt be able to drink more ayahuasca while I was on the retreet.
So the last night, I started with drinking just a tiny sip of syrian rue, maybe 10ml. After an hour I coulnt feel anything, and I felt safe to drink more, and drunk about 15ml I think. After about 30 minuits I could feel a tiny effect from it, and when the round came back to me, then I drunk about 25ml of jurema. I layed down in my bed thinking that it would never work, sence it was so little. But OMG, I was wrong about that. I ended up having the most INSANE experience I have ever had....
I started feeling really nauseous, and I could hear people throwing up all around me..hehe...that didnt excactly help..I have never been listening to so much throwing up before.. Suddently I started to throw up, but is was only not a regular throw up, but a real heavy purge. I could feel how all the leftovers from the first night came out. Even though it was painful, it felt so wonderful and cleansing. I felt so pure inside when I was done. And quicly after, the world around me started to change. It was like a full dmt breaktrue, I was in another universe. Or it was more like inside this void, a void between realities and universes.
I cant express this place with words, because nothing from this world could exict in there. It was so strange. But it was a lot of colours and it all was constantly changing, moving ang pulsating. It was kind of like chaos is there, no order in anything. My whole exictent god slowly ripped and torn apart. The place had its own inteligense, it was alive, and was doing this things to me on perpous. It was pressing me to just accept and surrender. It was so heavy and so much physical and mental pressure. In the end I felt like I was only this tiny peace of counsiousness and awareness.
I was not able to think, only exict in the now. Time did not exict in there, and I truly got to experience what it meens to live in the now. I could have been in there for weeks for all I know. It was so crazy. I think I started to land a bit, because I was after a while able to register things from this reality. Like when I could hear someone singing, I was like oh thats something I know what is! I recognise that. haha..
And I started to land more and more, the chaos around me started to settle, and I could see the helpers walking around. I was really surprised it was possible to land again, and come back to this reality! I was still heavy tripping, but now things started to feel so insanly blissfull!! I was kind of back to the core of who I really am, without my ego. I felt like a newborn child. And while I was in this state, one of the helpers blew up theese two glowing ballons, wich it stood party time on, and that is totally what it felt like. AAh, I cant express this with words eather, it all just felt soooo insaaaanly GOOOOOD, it was like I had taken hundreds of extacy pills. In contrast to the night before, I was supprised it was possible feeling this much bliss and extacy and not die from it..hehe..
The helpers were dancing around in the circle, and it was so facinating to watch, especially the one with the ballons in his hands. I saw two people talking, and communication, ooh it was so beautiful! I could really feel and understand how we are all one, how we all come from and are a part of the same source. It is so so so beautiful. Undescibably beautiful.
OMG it felt so good, I had to touch my skin all time and was twisting and making sounds of plesure. I remember I wished I had a boyfreind at that time..haha.. I really wanted a massage, but it would be so unapropiate that anyone else than a boyfriend would give it to me right then. It felt like I had orgasms in my whole body!! It was so sensual and sexual and just blissful, and so pure! I wonder how it would feel like to make love in that state...hehe...
After a while I sat more up, and watched all the things around me. One of the helpers came over and hugged me. He was holding me and singing to me for a long time, and it actually helped me heal the hole from not having a father in my life...!! It was so incredible beautiful and healing, I am so grateful to him..
After what felt like days in extacy, I landed completly, and went to the kitchen to get some soup. I was really surprised it was still dark. It had been only around 6 hours, but it felt like an iternity. I had a spectacular afterglow. I felt so cleansed and in touch with myself, I felt like a child again! After eating I was sitting outside by the fire...
ahh, it was all sooo beautiful. The best time of my life!!!
