My Work with difficult trips

[Jox]

This is my report of work with difficult tripping on pharma over the period of two years.

My life condition, baggage.

I am disabled with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. I have been struggling with it since my mid twenties, for about 15 years, to eventually end up in bed for 5 years. I lost everything, my career, many friends, and my family. Eventually I ended up in bed and moved to Mexico still in denial, thinking that I will get better after some rest, it never happened, until 3 years ago thanks to Kambo and pharma.

On the psychological level I started having having a repetitious nightmare: - I am 18 years old in my dream and deciding what academic career I should take, and the options in the dream are molecular biology or medicine. My real profession is arts, film. I had never have interest in any of the two. I interpret it as a profound lost of my identity due to the consequences of disability and terrible fear when I lost ability to work, so I was yearning for some conventional, secure profession.

I started a relationship with one man, he was extremely supportive financially and emotionally, and he was the only person I had in my sickness. He died abruptly from an unexpected heart attack one year after we started living together.

A year later I meet my current husband Danesh. His husband died from hear attack too, this coincidence has connected us. Right away it was clear to me that something was wrong with him, but I thought he was stuck in his mourning and had bad depression. Six years into the relationship we found out that he has Borderline Personality Dissorder.

Danesh
Danesh is sitting for my pharma journey, and he used to split when he would do it. Splitting is one of the most symptomatic aspects of BPD. It means that in a split of a second, normal situation became a total emotional chaos, his face transforms into a dark troubled disconnected person and aggressively behaves to prove that I am the worst person in the universe and the most dangerous person to his well being.

This happens every time he sits for me. Now he is getting better due to the work with pharma, so he doesn't split on my pharma night, but he does get angry most of the time. So my setting is actually dealing with his emotional swings and obviously my reaction to it. Metaphorically it would be as if you were with shaman who is emotionally torturing you during your ceremony. Strange as it may seem, over time this process helped me understand how I react in those situations, when his splitting happens. Just to illustrate, his splitting is very serious and even dangerous, many time he kicked me out of the house in the middle of the night, on motorcycle trip he would drive recklessly, leave me in the middle of nowhere ect.


It is still a puzzle for me how self-centred he is, and how little giving. When it comes to psychedelics I did all the research of plants to use, all the extraction, purchase administration... However when it is his turn to just sit for me, he becomes difficult : - for instance he doesn't want to turn the fan off if I ask him to, when I get cold, because he feels hot.. just one example out of many. It is easy to imagine how this situation just adds to already difficult journey of pharma.

This report will deal only with the experiences of the actual pharma, not how my daily life has changed.

Pharma has been applied twice or once a moth for a period of two years by now, 600mg of harmalas, and 2-3 g of MHRB, in cold brew with H3PO4 ph2 neutralised with Na2co3.

Harmala is taken first, after 20min or so MHRB. I never upgrade it. It usually takes one hour to kick in, but sometimes 20 min. The body gets dissolved, my thought process is interrupted to non existent. I can't have the eyes open for longer than a second. Visuals phase lasts about 2 hours. One hour for recuperation and walking is possible. I like to do it in this way, the trip is about five hours and the events are the same so I know how it evolves, when it ends...

First trip

300mg harmalas 5g MHRB cold brew

Visuals were fantastic but in normal way, like antimannirist paintings, and nature. Very complex and beautiful. Yet I didn't "like" them, even in a trip I could see this contradiction. Eventually a monster would come and in the first trip some dark monster entered my brain and shut it off.

Second trip
600mg harmalas 2mg MHRB cold brew.

The imagery are real life objects and humans, they change extremely quick, very beautiful but nevertheless I am troubled by them.
Some voice tells me: - you are in a bad relationship, he is sick, and since you are with him and let this happens to you are sick too. Then tells me that I am a bad person and must be destroyed, and starts eating me from the inside. The process is slow, but I allow it to go on and I give myself to the plant and tell it to do what it has to be done and that I have fate in it. Later wolfs come and eat me from outside taking my body parts and dismembering me. But this felt good, and they are my alies. Eagles join in and take leftovers. They are polar creatures, and soon I am in the polar tribe of Arctics, whit wolves, owls and native people, I am curious where is this imagery coming from since I never had contact with those lands or cultures, and seem foreign to me. It looks very real, or not fantastic. They are my alies and protectors.

On this trip I got sweat spells, the same I had when I was the sickest, I was alarmed thinking - either I will get better or I will have relapse of CFS, I was alarmed, but following days I felt healthier then ever, which encouraged me to do it regularly.

Change in visuals in next few trips

The visuals are now totally fantastic, fairy tail like, my body becomes strange threes, other things. The voice still tells me that I am a bad person and arrogant. I am not eaten any more, but I feel I am in some kind of hell. It feels very heavy physically. The images and my body changes in the speed of light, it is chaos. It has some references of hells, sometimes as in Greek mythology, sometimes in a Abrahamic way.

Change in visuals in next few trips

Precious trips were "male" no woman presence of any kind. But this changed now. I am in woman universe. The images become outworldy, some fantastic temples and goddesses. I became one fat goddess in dark purple color. I hate it, I hate the look of the temples, the design, colors and energy. I am not told that I am a bad person, and I am not eaten by anything, no monsters, but I am totally disconnected from the journey.

Change in visuals in next few trips

They became very dark, the dots of colors, more in fractal aspect, some recognisable shapes. I don't feel threatened nor attacked. The brain feels "heavy" and it seems that it is expanding mentally. I don't hear any sounds.

Few trips until present

600mg harmalas 3G MHRB

I am in fractals only, I am comfortable with myself and with the visuals, the trips are deep, but I am not overwhelmed, I could follow my emotions and the communication with a plant is meaningful, we feel as equal. The plant is teaching me about my emotions and my reactions.

CONCLUSION

After working for 2 years that the imagery changed from real to completely fractal. The destructive aspect changed to a constructive relationship. The feeling of anguish was replaced with the explanation of my mind, not sure how to explain this. My nightmares are gone.

As the integration of the experiences I am working by observing in daily life what is the arrogant aspect of me, I listen to others more, and I am much more in control when Danesh splits.


But had I have Ibogaine full flood I think I would not have the demons/hell aspect. Danesh had full flood and he spent hours with demons, death... When he started with pharma he started with good relationship with a plant as I have now.

I think that working with pharma, and Aya there is no bad trips, they just have to be lived and experienced until the darkness comes out.

 

[anrchy]

I enjoyed the read very much. It sounds like you have generated much benefit from your experiences. Awesome.

 

[expandaneum]

he just read your story and Im happy that you seem to do well considering you circumstances.

One thing that does catch me that your trips are not that bad, were these the experiences your referring to in your My trips are the worst than any of you thread?

also do you just want to tell us something about yourself, or would you like some advise?

take care

 

[Jox]

Expandaoneum,

You say they are not that bad,,can they be worst?

I am not even comparing myself to my husbands Danesh,,who's trips can be in quality DMT section. We do treatments one week apart, and he just told me yesterday - he prays not to have it as mine's.

It has been last two months that are OK in my criteria.

If you have some advise to give me I would like to hear.

 

[anrchy]

One of the most difficult things IMO is describing a trip so that the reader knows the level of intensity, speed, fear, happiness, love ect that i felt. Especially fear. This one goes off the scales as far as articulating the strength that can be felt into words.

 

[DreaMTripper]

Wow thats an interesting journey youe going through and heart warming to see the progression. I think you are very brave to undertake it while having such an unpredictable setting due to your husbands condition, and consequently set.

Not knowing Danesh I wouldnt like to say this or that is why but has it crossed youre mind he might be envious when you enter such a higher state seeing as he benefits from it? Its possible his BPD means he cant moderate this feeling, one of the most powerful of emotions, not many can so for someone with BPD it could be practically impossible.
I too have had a complete visual shutdown before when I became stressed during a sub-breakthrough. I then felt like I was in a very lonely empty place, a shell of consensual reality. The part where you say you were told you were ill because he was also resonates with me, just smoking cannabis in the locality of someone with paranoid schizophrenia has initiated paranoid thoughts within myself but unlike them I have the insight to know it is irrational and I can shrug them off, I put it down to an empathy sparking my overactive imagination. Its interesting how the mind works as when I was imagining being fearful of constant surveilance as she was I started to notice eye shaped things everywhere. In the wooden floor mainly. Almost immediately I made the connection between my train of thought previously, it had been projected onto my perception.

It seems clear to me that the voices talking down to you were reflecting your own self opinion at that time. I have read you have been subject to some emotional pressures in the past due to Daneshs' BPD but you strike me as mentally very strong now.
The concise reports were potent and easy on the eye I look forward to reading your further progress in retaking your own body and mind with the help of these incredible allies.

 

[Jox]

?......he might be envious when you enter such a higher state seeing as he benefits from it? Its possible his BPD means he cant moderate this feeling, one of the most powerful of emotions, not many can so for someone with BPD it could be practically impossible.

DreaMTripper

You blew me away with this observation. You are totally right. I could have technically conclude it myself, since I know somewhat his behavior, but in reality it is hard to understand the death of that pathology: first the day of pharma I take it very easy, sit by the pool, read poetry, and don't interact with anybody NOR with him. This is first thing that sets him off. And then as you said, the fact I am going somwhere without him, another jolt, he feels alone. And I am going to the place he likes a lot is the final one.

You really turned on the light bulb in y head, you must know BPD, pretty well, it is hard for people to understand how BPD operates, but I think this condition is much more present and doesn't get much attention by the society.

You are right about the voices too. What strikes me that even though the messages were diamond clear, I couldn't assimilate them, even I didn't write them down in my journal.

Until this relationship with BPD I never understood abuse and violence in intimate relationships, and kind of looked down at people who were in them, I always thought of them as weak people who wouldn't "just" leave the situation. How wrong I was.

 

[Mistletoe Minx]

@ Jox

I think visuals which are beautiful but which you do not like, this contradiction you mention, perhaps speaks of a conflict in your feelings towards Danesh? Partners of people with BPD might well feel conflicted because they are both loved and hated, pulled near and pushed away. The partner with BPD is both the source of great pleasure and great distress. In such a polarized context having a flat or negative response to what ought to be attractive is understandable. Danesh is the object of desire for you, but in causing you pain, must also be held at bay.

I was in love with someone with BPD. But the love was complex and not entirely positive. The were parts of me that wanted to separate, there were feelings of guilt which followed from that, and feelings of self-contempt because I gave into guilt. In such a maelstrom Im not suprised the wolves were tearing you apart nor that once the destruction was complete that there was relief and that it felt good. Such an image is as much about abandonment as it is about slaughter. If your personality is presently consumed by many conflicting feelings to have them all torn down and ripped away sounds like a kind of escape. A release, if you will.

Good luck with Danesh in the future. I wish you both well. and thanks for the report.

 

[Jox]

Mistletoe Minx hi,

Thank you for your response, very insightfull indeed. I wouldn't and still can't interpret much, even the voice telling me all I mentioned, I even didn't journaled it. I guess I am still in some kind of denial.

How did you recover from a relationship with BPD person, were you or are you part of some BPD forums?

I learned a lot from them, but after all they complain, complain and don't look into change. I just have posted my report of healing, curing with Aya, and no much interest.... Kind of bummed out, is not that pwBPD has choices no meds, and therapists even don't want to take them as patient...,,and the therapy is not even very promising.

 

[Enoon]

Jox, you mention that pharma is helping your husband - can you elaborate on this progress / this healing? Does he split less or is he more aware of his emotions, more in control?

I can only imagine how difficult it must be to be in a relationship like this.

Do you ever take pharma together as a kind of bonding experience?

 

[Jox]

Hi Enoon,
thank you for your nterest,

I will write Dameshe's changes the way they come to my mind, not in a chronological order since I have not been journaling them, nor it's all of them:

- he cut off his obsession with face book, by making virtual friends, or impressing real friends when in reality he was very antisocial, now he is not much on face book, less to none selfies.
- he became very extrovert, before he was introvert.
- he used to be very concerned with his appearance, he wouldn't leave the house without shaving even to buy groceries, now he is relaxed about it.
- he used to have a lots of nightmares and jolts falling asleep, and waking up in the middle of the night.
- he is aware of his emotions, positive and negative ones, he is aware when he observes people, for example in the gym, who may be a "threat" to him, and he says he is tired of that
- he doesn't idealise me much, and he is less possessive of me.


He splits much less, this year it was only one time, and actually after strong pharma, like two weeks after. However, our work with Iboga was different. We started with his Ibogaine full flood, that had groundbreaking effect, it changed him completely: he started to feel his emotions. Before the flood we did mushrooms, I'd say level 3 and he didn't feel much, nor much change took place, I think he was emotionally so encapsulated that it was not enough.

I thought that continuing with micro dosing Iboga would be good, but it actually wasn't, he started to split more and more, that's when we switched to Aya and eventually to pharma, and the results were better that I could have hoped for.

We don't do it together at the same time. The reason is that we work in high numbers, and the peak lasts for about 1 to 1,5 hours, and sitting for each other for a journey of all together 5 hours is a must. But your idea may be very good, we just must tweak the numbers to lover the doses substantially to make it possible.

I will write more in detail of his actual trips, which are very interesting, especially since I see that some members have very good understanding and interpretational skills.

I wrote a short report on bpdfamily.com a leading forum and support for family members of a patient with BPD, and to my disappointment, my post got very little feedback. I guess people who don't know about psychedelics are very, probably understandingly - suspicious, but since there are almost no cure/treatment, even therapists don't easily open doors to them, I am surprised that people are not more curious. Realistically I don't know how us as a couple would have keep on without the psychedelics, and pharma in particular.

I want to say that for us, and Danesh in particular, psychedelics have been a medicine, not a tool as some refer, or a catalyst for another treatment. We do meditate a lot, now in India, Danesh completed 4 ten day vipassana Goenka, but even without it I am,sure it would have been the same.

This is a work in progress by no means, but I am very optimistic that it would end in complete health.

 

[Mistletoe Minx]

Hi Jox

>>How did you recover from a relationship with BPD person, were you or are you part of some BPD forums?

There was no method to my recovery besides time. After a couple of years of breaking up and getting back together I was dumped in favor of a different bed fellow. This was extremely painful for me but I think now that I was being released by my partner who loved me enough to see that I really wanted to go. I think that you are so torn when you are the partner of someone with BPD. Despite the abuse, one still feels like the pillar of strength in the relationship because it is very clear that the destructive episodes emerge from very profound insecurities. Its that "I hate you, don't leave me" thing. So on the one hand you feel abused and angry, on the other you feel somehow responsible and guilty. Plus, there's no doubt that the good times are good. The highs are as extreme as the lows. I mean the sex verged on the spectacular. Dirty doesn't come close to describing it. So there was an extraordinary intimacy in the relationship which was very hard to leave behind.

Anyway, I hid from society for a year or so, and lost myself in a cocktail of drugs ( not good ones Im afraid ) and gin. Then for no particular reason I had a look at my life as it was disintegrating and decided to get things together. I did a course in psychology for fun and developed an obsession for photography and things got a lot better. I found things to occupy myself with. Things that were not introspective and that left me, my failed relationship, all the whys and wherefores, behind.

I didn't post in any forums no. I read some and found the similar experiences very comforting.

>> I learned a lot from them, but after all they complain, complain and don't look into change. I just have posted my report of healing, curing with Aya, and no much interest.... Kind of bummed out, is not that pwBPD has choices no meds, and therapists even don't want to take them as patient...,,and the therapy is not even very promising.

Well its a hard sell for sure: take an illegal drug, which may well give you terrifying visions where you might be torn apart by wolves, for example, and this will make you better ...

I think you are someone with a lot of experience in psychedelics. But for most people when you say DMT or Ayahuasca you might as well be saying crystal meth or sniffing glue. So to some of the people on those forums its a bit like suggesting they could make things better by smoking crack with their daughter. People are oblivious to the more profound aspects of these compounds.