Namaste!

[crankcase]

Hello beautiful people,

I tried weed for the first time after high school and could identify with it. I continued using it until two years ago. I'm 25 now and have experimented with acid, mushrooms, DMT, ketamine, meth, cocaine, benzos, molly and weed. However, I decided to get sober around two years ago and have relapsed twice since then, both resulting in horrible bad trips.

I am currently sober, but I find myself constantly thinking about getting high. I search the internet for it and talk to people about it, but refrain from indulging. The problem is, that I have conflicting feelings; I want to get high, yet I know it's not good for me. I spend my entire day going back and forth with this thought, and I am tired of it. I just want it to end.

 

[Nydex]

Hello crankcase,

Thank you for sharing your difficult journey with us. I understand how you feel. I've been there with stimulants, and I know how devious this process can be. You certainly have some internal stuff to work on if you're chasing the high so intently, but that's a good thing, and don't let anyone convince you otherwise. You having that knowledge sets you on the right path to working it out.

And with you being here, I'm sure you'll find plenty of people inspiring, and resonate deeply with their stories.

One good aspect of working with psychedelics specifically is that they have a built-in anti-abuse mechanism, and you've felt its effects already. However, they can be potent tools into exploring the root of your constant pursuit of being high. Still, I'd very much advise being cautious when working with them in this state of mind, because they can force you to face things within yourself in a way that would cause more harm than good.

Be smart about it, read through our fantastic Wiki and if you feel the need to ask for advice or guidance, do not be discouraged to do so. We're like a family here, and support each other.

Be well, and looking forward to seeing you around.

Love & Light

 

[Subtlevibrations]

Nice to meet you, @crankcase

I'm sorry to hear about your internal conflict. My kid's mom is an addict, and being a psychonaut, I've made a few friends over the years who also had trouble with substances. I can share a few insights I learned from them and their struggles:

1. Accept yourself with your feelings about substances. Putting yourself down for having cravings or thoughts about using doesn't make you a bad or weak person.

2. Decide if being sober is right for you - if you feel confident in your ability to regulate your own substance use, there are many helpful substances that will suit your physiology and psychological disposition. If you feel a lack of cofidence regulating your use, or feel likely to become dependant on any substance you use semi-regularly, honor that feeling in yourself. Listen to your heart.

3. The people and places we spend time with influence our tendencies. This includes the characters and places we spend time with in books, movies, music, and so on. If you have a strong desire to not use substances, and know that's what is best for you, consider taking a look at your circle of support, your role-models, the people you are spending your days with. It can be very difficult, if not seemingly hopeless, to stay clean while submerged in a social circle that frequently uses drugs.

4. Curiosity is healthy and normal. It's normal to be curious about taking substances, and also normal to be curious about what a truly sober life might feel like.

5. Take time to feel your feelings without making a story of them, trying to "figure them out" or understand them; just sit with them and hold them like a mother holds her child. Feel your feelings completely. Often times, our confusing and mixed up relationship with substances is rooted in the way we use them to avoid or amplify certain emotions.

Sending you rays of warmth and love

 

[DexterMTripp]

Hey @crankcase. Welcome to the forum?

These are probably the questions that you need to ask yourself.

Why do you want to get high?
What are you feeling prior to getting high?
What are you feeling after getting high?
What has getting high cost you in your life?
What has getting high given you in your life?
What are the things you want to achieve in life?
Does getting high keep you from achieving those things?

What does your perfect life look like to you, right down to the clothes you will be wearing when you achieve it?
Right now you are winning if you have stayed sober.

Generally speaking to break habits like that (pleasure) you have to associate 'pain' with the act of doing it. Some people use rubber bands around their wrists to do this, some people call a sponsor who knows the answers to the questions above to remind you of why you are trying to stop, some people just associate something "stomach churning" with the act itself and have to associate that thing that disgusts them with that act. Perhaps joining an addicts anonymous group is the best place to keep you straight, and on the right path.

If someone is addicted to donuts, the worst place to hang out is around a donut shop talking to the people making the donuts. As much as this group is dedicated to harm reduction, it would probably be in your best interest *not* to participate in this forum, given the history you shared.

It's really up to you, and I'm sure people here have been where you are and have advice, but I'd rather people leave and be happy and healthy, then stay and potentially spiral into a place that isn't beneficial to your progress of sobriety.

Whatever you choose, thank you for sharing your story.

 

[MacElf_234]

Habits are much harder to break than they are to make. Perhaps some form of creative activity, or physical activities would help you focus on something besides acquiring and ingesting substances.
Best,

 

[Pandora]

crankcase,

Thank you for this introduction and your honesty about your internal conflicts. I have enjoyed seeing you in the chat room.

There are no easy answers. As mentioned psychedelics tend to be self-regulating, working against addictive behaviors with instant tolerance, rough journeys and drop out of colors/effects.

I hope you will be able to stay strong so that if/when the time is right you can use these tools the right way to help promote insight, personal growth and possibly even spirtuality.

There is nothing wrong with journaling. There is also nothing wrong with therapy. Digging down to find the roots of these issues can sometimes be very helpful, if for nothing else, offering personal insights. And I am glad you are participating in this community. I know we are a bunch of trippy drug users but many of us have dealt with, are dealing with or are on the other side of addictions. You don't need to use any substance to be a well-regarded member of this community. You are on your way and I'm glad you are here.