nice to meet you

[the breakfast man]

Hi everyone,
I stumbled on the psymposia website last saturday while coming down off of a mushroom trip. I've been binging their audio at work ever since. I'm fascinated at their content and really grateful for their efforts. I heard this forum mentioned several times and thought I'd check it out. I'm 37, former leftist activist and combat vet. I spent fall-winter-spring caring for my very demented grandmother in Alabama until she died. I'm getting into psychedelics because I spent every waking moment on call to meet her needs and now I feel like I need help getting back in touch with myself to continue my life. Prioritizing other people and causes (when I was an activist) ahead of myself has been a feature of my life, and now somewhat suddenly I find myself free from all of that. I've found my current situation - having the freedom and opportunity to do pretty much whatever I want - to be deeply unsettling.

The reason I got online in the first place was to try to find some insight into a really painful experience I had on mushrooms, and hopefully find a way to mitigate that pain for my next trip. At my peak, for approximately 5 mins, I felt the most overwhelming pain rushing through every nerve in my body. All my muscles gradually locked up for ten or twenty minutes prior and post. I was drenched in sweat and significantly sore afterwards. I'm not a very experienced tripper so I'm trying to figure out if this was a feature or a bug. I'd appreciate your insight. If it's inappropriate to post specific questions here I'll be happy to wait for my forum promotion. time stamps and conditions follow:

Prep -

11am - soylent shake, walk outside,
12:45pm - guided body scan (following along with a youtube video)
1:30pm - finish mushroom tea 2g Amz. whole shrooms steeped in hot water

-talked with myself in the mirror. stating intentions for introspection and self-acceptance. very easy and comfortable plateau.

2:24 THC vape

-blissful. lying in bed.

3:15 - finished my 2nd cup of whole shrooms steeped in hot water. ~2g Amz, again
3:39 - THC vape and start listening to the same body scan for a second time.

-lying in bed. another wonderful plateau. euphoric. self acceptance achieved. womb-like sense of safety and belonging.

5:25 - finished my 3rd cup of tea. 3.2g Penis Envy.
5:48 - weed vape and body scan, again.

- on my climb, and while to body scan was still playing (a 30 minute recording) I noticed an ambulatory pressure in my gut, then around my spine, chest shoulders, face. Like a deep massage. That pressure continued to build and build until I was completely consumed by burning freezing crushing stabbing throbbing blinding deafening pain. I think it lasted approximately five minutes, of course it felt longer. I was drenched in cold sweat and sore from all of my muscles locking up. I never felt like I was on a bad trip psychologically. It was just really really really painful, as though Kali herself had reached down and wrung me out like a dish rag. ouch.

7pm -gorgeous sunset. a moving monet out the window. decent mood. a sense of relief to no longer be in pain, obv.

thanks for reading. hoping for replies

 

[Pandora]

the breakfast man,

Welcome to the Nexus and thank you for this post. Nothing wrong with posting experiences or questions.

As a woman I understand what it is to spend your entire life caring for others, devoting every moment to others. For women it never ends. It starts soon after the cradle in most families, in particular if the girls are the first born of several children and it ends at the grave.

I would encourage you to meditate about what a blessing and a priveledge you are experiencing currently.

Having said that I want to thank you for dedicating yourself to service, in particular to someone else's care and say that I am sincerely sorry for a loss that I have no doubt is completely packed with very complex and sometimes mixed feelings.

Although I get very little of it these days, I do recognize the deep importance of personal time. For me, that is currently one of the draws of DMT. The short, sharp trip, then the ability to literally get right back on task or back to work.

It sounds like you have a surfeit of personal time currently and are at loose ends.

Ironically my guess is that time is your friend. My guess is that you are going to need to be patient with yourself and let your grief and healing unwind at their own pace. Unless you are like me and have had great success with less than ideal set tripping I would caution going above low doses as you go through this process.

So, what happened on the mushroom trip? Of course I do not know and your long term integration and analysis will answer that question. If I were to speculate I would say it was almost a kind of "release," though not the typical orgasmic type. A release of dark, toxic, very painful energy and material. I would also speculate that given your background this has the potential to happen again.

Normally, folks would say just go with it, but it is hard to go with agony. Surrender skills are important yet I personally have difficulties in that area.

I suspect your ally here is a movement towards acceptance on all fronts. An acceptance of your history, an acceptance that the mushrooms may have an unusual and perhaps even painful agenda for you as you do the work on your personal intention.

You have not set an easy task in front of yourself.

I do hope you stick around, tell us more about yourself, your tripping experience, experience using or extracting DMT, etc. I hope you will be willing to share your progress as you move forward.

Feel free to drop into the chat room.

Again, a warm welcome to you.

 

[the breakfast man]

thank you for the warm welcome and thoughtful response, Pandora

I was expecting to just see advice like "eat more bananas." I'm still receptive to tips like that, but the feedback I'm getting from you and from other friends is that I may need to start thinking of the pain I felt as a feature of my trip, not a bug. An experience to integrate, rather than avoid.

What I'm hearing about mushrooms in general is that experiencing discomfort, agitation, nausea, "body load" and strange sensations is common, but all-consuming agony is not. I'm only considering visceral physical pain, not the agony of a terrifying trip. My partner told me that the way I described my muscles locking up reminds her of the way practitioners of holotropic breathwork seize up in their breakthrough process, but I haven't heard anyone describe intense physical pain in that process. I'm still looking for accounts of experiences that sound like mine.

I recall a crystal cavern while the pressure was building. I thought of my grandmother and some friends who passed away. I interpreted the ambulatory pressure as a sign that the people I've lost are still with me. Their strength and support manifested as a stony strength through my chest and shoulders. I thought perhaps they were preparing me for a difficult experience. I also felt like something else was working on me - I described it earlier as a deep tissue massage (but much weirder). I was in considerable pain at this point. I thought to breath and 'let it go' but understood that the pain was mine.

I have a very vocal critic in my head. He often sits at the head of the table doubting and judging. I respect his discernment and I value his insight and I want to keep his counsel, but even he had to stfu for this. Everybody did. He's still waiting expectantly for some evidence to come along and say "eat more bananas, your nervous system was freaking out because you depleted it of something essential."

Until that evidence comes along I'm going to say I delivered a 'pain baby,' because the experience sounds something like childbirth (though mercifully shorter in duration), and because I think my pituitary dumped enough oxy that I'm not the least bit deterred from taking mushrooms, again.

Thanks again, for your insight. I think I'll stick around