Treveler & All Friends,
:shock: SWIM cannot believe it but she had her first breakthrough at Midnight! She was NOT expecting this.:shock: She thought she had to smoke 50 mg for something like this to happen! She didn't think the smoked P. Harmala extract from like an hour previous could still possibly be active. Apparently this is not the case for SWIM. Hard head for mushrooms but not for spice. LOL!
The actual memories are almost completely repressed. When SWIM tries to touch the memories in a meaningful way she gets a classic "repression headache."
I will transcribe her nonsensical journal entry from immediately after the experience, which is hopelessly inadequate, shallow and lame. It is also filled with expletives. I am starting to notice that this happens a lot when language (skills) fails SWIM. SWIM apologies in advance for all of these factors as this is the worst of all her trip narratives, ever:
Holy Fuck! Was pretty sure I wasn't going to get elves but this is NOT what I expected!
I feel so very small and insignificant that I want to weep and simultaneously shrink into myself. But I am laughing right now . . . panting, gasping and laughing. Very nauseaus when I try to think about it.
I immediately saw a fantastic blue-white tear/light and heard an accompanying high-pitched tearing noise. Upon relaxing into this light was quickly, seamlessly and easily transported up and out of my physical body and lifted up into a weird, higher dimension.
I could only perceive 3 dimensions but was viscerally aware of much more happening. The tryptamine landscapes were much more paisley-like, much closer to the Mandlebrot Set than ever before. Landscape opened up into a huge fair, circus, carnival or amusement park structures/landscape, complete with carnival-type music.
Shit, shit, shit, state-specific knowledge fading . . .fast.
Saw someting/someone truly HUGE, made out of tryptamine colors/patterns/light, but NOT transforming/changing like everything else all around. This thing/entity was the size of a skyscraper and I was at its base looking up. It seemed more mechanical than organic. I could feel its raw intelligence and power, neither loving nor malignant (Why should it care about an ant?!?). Physical size easily matched/surpassed by its intellect.
Fucking fading fast. Remember hearing the music and again floating up above the park. This time when lowered landed in body!
Came out of it gasping, weeping, laughing, gagging and exclaiming! So this is what people meant. Holy shit!
Now laughing hard - hearing the shade of Terence McKenna, "When was the last time YOU were astonished?" I have no more cynical answers! Laughing and astonished as I write this!
Shitty description. Wow, wow, wow!
SWIM's journal breaks here while she walks back and forth in her room continuing to exclaim and breathe. She tries to pull herself together a bit to see if she can make a better journal attempt which follows:
I started the evening with an extremely low dose of what my brother (the fruit and veggie freak) calls "DMT salad," 10-20 mg total if I dust the bowl. This was very pleasant.
After getting a lot of work done, caught up with bro, ate lightly, showered and turned on the "tripping lamp." "The tripping lamp is on - please keep hands and feet inside the ride."
Had had quite a ride planned for myself . . . but it looks like I'll have lots of spice leftover from what was planned for consumption in this session. I am so very done for now! This "curious cat" will smoke spice again but not tonight . . .
My P. Harmala extract was ready. I meditated. Put a generous dose of (approx. 150 mg.)extract on a bud and took a single heavy toke. I definately felt the Syrian Rue (for the first time and this was far from my first experiement with P. Harmala) - borderline OEV's. There was A LOT left in the bowl. Immediately tried to dust off a salad bowl, approx. 10-20 ml.
Had an errie 30 minute adventure. it's been a long time since I've been truly scared, felt fear like that. EVERYTHING in the room looked ominous and threatening and I was actively fearing a breakthrough thinking that MY entities would be insectoid! I have a bug phobia. :? Completely creeped out to my bones. Actually cowering on the bed under the covers with gooseflesh, shivering, hyperventilating. Was expecting anytime something to creep forth from the shadows.
Determined NOT to panic, kept saying to self, "It's only a drug, it's only a drug, it's only a drug . . ."
Honestly, the last time I was this scared was when I was a child in my dark bedroom and there was a small earthquake. I convinced myself that there was someone under my bed! That kind of "monster in the closet" fear. Which brings me to: I was finally able to bust out of this space when I started to literally paranoidedly planning my defenses against any (insectoid) attacker. Suddenly I flashed on, "You have absolutely NO defences against monsters from the ID!" and started laughing! Everything returned to mundane normality. It was that simple.
I convinced myself that I amost enjoyed that simply for the thrill, intensity and novelty of the feelings. But this isn't what I was smoking spice for . . .
What to do? Still on edge. Close some windows, secure some doors and eliminate some shadows. Get back up on the horse that threw me, definately. Okay, do I stick wtih a low-dose salad? Try the special 30 mg dose I'd prepped for myself?? Or, be real daring and take a single toke off of the 25 mg. jungle spice bud I'd prepped? Use the P. Harmala extract again?!?
Immediately decided against using the extract. Loaded a light salad and sprinkled with a an additional 10 mg right on top. Took huge first toke and held it Salvia-style. Dusted off the rest with the next toke. I put my blindfold on and lay down. Could already see that blue/white lightning bolt tear in visual field/reality. Relaxed into that and floated into a less geometric, more paisley tryptamine like landscape then was "taken to the carnival."
My heartbeat quickens when I think of my brief time there and the nausea feeling comes back. Looking up at that fantastic skyscraper of light . . . WTF?!? Did I see God or a Godlike being, . . a First One so to speak? Why was I permitted to look up to it? Thank goodness it didn't appear/deign to notice me . . .
I cannot stress how small I felt . . . there coming out of it (It felt so weird to smoothly compress back into my small body.) and continue to feel now. Holy fuck!
Going to be a long time 'til sleep tonight! Guess I'll take another shower.
SWIM's journal continues 30 mins. later:
How can someone be expected to remember such an experience fully and proceed with mudane life? What's happening to me feels like a protective defensive repression. As things fade (Some memories would be gone already if not for journal!) I am feeling a LOT more normal . . . whatever that could possibly mean.
I went into the shower, turned it on HOT and wound up SITTING there for 30 minutes trying to "get a grip." Went in wide-eyes. Came out wide-eyed. Never seen self so wide-eyed. Usually eyes appear chronic, half-closed . . .Bugging eyes make me look funny in the mirror.
While sitting there I looked at a single drop of water and realized it was full of microbial scale life. If this life was in any way aware or sentient it surely would be grateful that we cannot perceive it with the naked eye. Pretty certain that was my situation with the intelligent buidling-being.
I honestly did NOT expect a breakthrough on what could not have been any more than 30 mg, and even that is a stretch. Perhaps some of the MAOI effects of the previously smoked P. Harmala lingered. . .
Perhaps it was my time for a DMT breakthrough. This doesn't feel right though becuase I am so very early in the process. Yet it must be right. I must have been RIPE for it. In hindsight, I suspect I may have come close the first time, especially that pulling sensation in my center! Seemed like my subconscious was primed, even terrified as evidenced by the previous experience.
Insectoids!! I'm laughing hard and loud at my petty fears! Try something more like God-buildings on for size . . . Who could have predicted such a thing?!? I was skeptical about elves, but this . . .
SWIM then lay down in bed, eyes wide open, periodically blinking, convinced she would not sleep. Sleep "took" her soon thereafter for 2.5 hours. SWIM got up and watched the sunrise remove a very bright Jupiter from the morning sky. Her journal continues:
Laid down convinced couldn't sleep and was "taken" into that altered state almost immediately. Up 2.5 hours later. Went to sleep wide-eyes. Woke up wide-eyed but feeling a lot more down to Earth.
The incredible saliency and immediacy of the memory has faded. A lot of it is mainly the journal entry now.
Yet I remain astonished!
We humans are basically a level 0 civilization. Though we can screw our planet we cannot CONTROL it and all its resources completely and utterly. If we could we'd be level 1. If we could control everything within the sun's reach of influence as well as our star itself, we'd be level 2. Similarly, if we could control everything in our galaxy, supermassive black hole at center inclusive, we'd be level 3.
We are level 0 as a species. Technically as a person mine must be a negative number. I can barely control myself and would be no one/nowhere without those I love.
I feel I sat at the feet and gazed up at (minimum) a level 3 being! It radiated intelligence and power. Though it was uninterested and I am sure it would never even think of ever abusing its power . . .
It's good that this is where SWIM's journal entry ends, she was running out of space - she has a notebook filled with scribbled trip narratives now.
SWIM had often discussed being out of body with people. Some had experienced it and some had not. SWIM had not. She KNEW she was out of her body on Salvia Divinorum because she filmed herself once and was shocked to see her body appeared to be abandoned and in deep trance. But she never felt like it. She felt she was in other dimensions/spaces but had taken her body with her!
This time she left her body. She felt herself being smoothly and so easily/seamlessly lifted out. Painless process and took none of the regular, corporeal body-pain with her! No energy or vibration such as she had read about. And when she came back she had to compress her non-corporeal self back into the container of her body. This felt as easy and seamless as the departure but also felt very weird.
SWIM did NOT expect that her entity encounters would be Singularity Machine, Eschaton or some such! She did not expect elves, was worried about insectoids (and still is on several levels), did not expect raw and awe-inspiring intelligence, did not expect aliens, did expect people, corpses or spirits . . .Assumptions made an ass out of SWIM AND SWIM. LOL!
SWIM feels grateful. She didn't know she could achieve this and understands that some never do. She thought she might never get there due to the fact that 50 mg seemed like a lot of harsh smoke to consume in 60 seconds or less. She is still awed and amazed by the intelligence that she encountered. She is not sure when she will smoke spice again - there is some confusion on this front. Part of her is ready for that tonight. Part of her is hesitant . . .
How delightful this all is! This is all that SWIM had hoped for and SO much more!
SWIM and I are sorry that language is inadequate in the psychedelic realm, more so than ever before. . .
Peace,
Pandora
:shock: SWIM cannot believe it but she had her first breakthrough at Midnight! She was NOT expecting this.:shock: She thought she had to smoke 50 mg for something like this to happen! She didn't think the smoked P. Harmala extract from like an hour previous could still possibly be active. Apparently this is not the case for SWIM. Hard head for mushrooms but not for spice. LOL!
The actual memories are almost completely repressed. When SWIM tries to touch the memories in a meaningful way she gets a classic "repression headache."
I will transcribe her nonsensical journal entry from immediately after the experience, which is hopelessly inadequate, shallow and lame. It is also filled with expletives. I am starting to notice that this happens a lot when language (skills) fails SWIM. SWIM apologies in advance for all of these factors as this is the worst of all her trip narratives, ever:
Holy Fuck! Was pretty sure I wasn't going to get elves but this is NOT what I expected!
I feel so very small and insignificant that I want to weep and simultaneously shrink into myself. But I am laughing right now . . . panting, gasping and laughing. Very nauseaus when I try to think about it.
I immediately saw a fantastic blue-white tear/light and heard an accompanying high-pitched tearing noise. Upon relaxing into this light was quickly, seamlessly and easily transported up and out of my physical body and lifted up into a weird, higher dimension.
I could only perceive 3 dimensions but was viscerally aware of much more happening. The tryptamine landscapes were much more paisley-like, much closer to the Mandlebrot Set than ever before. Landscape opened up into a huge fair, circus, carnival or amusement park structures/landscape, complete with carnival-type music.
Shit, shit, shit, state-specific knowledge fading . . .fast.
Saw someting/someone truly HUGE, made out of tryptamine colors/patterns/light, but NOT transforming/changing like everything else all around. This thing/entity was the size of a skyscraper and I was at its base looking up. It seemed more mechanical than organic. I could feel its raw intelligence and power, neither loving nor malignant (Why should it care about an ant?!?). Physical size easily matched/surpassed by its intellect.
Fucking fading fast. Remember hearing the music and again floating up above the park. This time when lowered landed in body!
Came out of it gasping, weeping, laughing, gagging and exclaiming! So this is what people meant. Holy shit!
Now laughing hard - hearing the shade of Terence McKenna, "When was the last time YOU were astonished?" I have no more cynical answers! Laughing and astonished as I write this!
Shitty description. Wow, wow, wow!
SWIM's journal breaks here while she walks back and forth in her room continuing to exclaim and breathe. She tries to pull herself together a bit to see if she can make a better journal attempt which follows:
I started the evening with an extremely low dose of what my brother (the fruit and veggie freak) calls "DMT salad," 10-20 mg total if I dust the bowl. This was very pleasant.
After getting a lot of work done, caught up with bro, ate lightly, showered and turned on the "tripping lamp." "The tripping lamp is on - please keep hands and feet inside the ride."
Had had quite a ride planned for myself . . . but it looks like I'll have lots of spice leftover from what was planned for consumption in this session. I am so very done for now! This "curious cat" will smoke spice again but not tonight . . .
My P. Harmala extract was ready. I meditated. Put a generous dose of (approx. 150 mg.)extract on a bud and took a single heavy toke. I definately felt the Syrian Rue (for the first time and this was far from my first experiement with P. Harmala) - borderline OEV's. There was A LOT left in the bowl. Immediately tried to dust off a salad bowl, approx. 10-20 ml.
Had an errie 30 minute adventure. it's been a long time since I've been truly scared, felt fear like that. EVERYTHING in the room looked ominous and threatening and I was actively fearing a breakthrough thinking that MY entities would be insectoid! I have a bug phobia. :? Completely creeped out to my bones. Actually cowering on the bed under the covers with gooseflesh, shivering, hyperventilating. Was expecting anytime something to creep forth from the shadows.
Determined NOT to panic, kept saying to self, "It's only a drug, it's only a drug, it's only a drug . . ."
Honestly, the last time I was this scared was when I was a child in my dark bedroom and there was a small earthquake. I convinced myself that there was someone under my bed! That kind of "monster in the closet" fear. Which brings me to: I was finally able to bust out of this space when I started to literally paranoidedly planning my defenses against any (insectoid) attacker. Suddenly I flashed on, "You have absolutely NO defences against monsters from the ID!" and started laughing! Everything returned to mundane normality. It was that simple.
I convinced myself that I amost enjoyed that simply for the thrill, intensity and novelty of the feelings. But this isn't what I was smoking spice for . . .
What to do? Still on edge. Close some windows, secure some doors and eliminate some shadows. Get back up on the horse that threw me, definately. Okay, do I stick wtih a low-dose salad? Try the special 30 mg dose I'd prepped for myself?? Or, be real daring and take a single toke off of the 25 mg. jungle spice bud I'd prepped? Use the P. Harmala extract again?!?
Immediately decided against using the extract. Loaded a light salad and sprinkled with a an additional 10 mg right on top. Took huge first toke and held it Salvia-style. Dusted off the rest with the next toke. I put my blindfold on and lay down. Could already see that blue/white lightning bolt tear in visual field/reality. Relaxed into that and floated into a less geometric, more paisley tryptamine like landscape then was "taken to the carnival."
My heartbeat quickens when I think of my brief time there and the nausea feeling comes back. Looking up at that fantastic skyscraper of light . . . WTF?!? Did I see God or a Godlike being, . . a First One so to speak? Why was I permitted to look up to it? Thank goodness it didn't appear/deign to notice me . . .
I cannot stress how small I felt . . . there coming out of it (It felt so weird to smoothly compress back into my small body.) and continue to feel now. Holy fuck!
Going to be a long time 'til sleep tonight! Guess I'll take another shower.
SWIM's journal continues 30 mins. later:
How can someone be expected to remember such an experience fully and proceed with mudane life? What's happening to me feels like a protective defensive repression. As things fade (Some memories would be gone already if not for journal!) I am feeling a LOT more normal . . . whatever that could possibly mean.
I went into the shower, turned it on HOT and wound up SITTING there for 30 minutes trying to "get a grip." Went in wide-eyes. Came out wide-eyed. Never seen self so wide-eyed. Usually eyes appear chronic, half-closed . . .Bugging eyes make me look funny in the mirror.
While sitting there I looked at a single drop of water and realized it was full of microbial scale life. If this life was in any way aware or sentient it surely would be grateful that we cannot perceive it with the naked eye. Pretty certain that was my situation with the intelligent buidling-being.
I honestly did NOT expect a breakthrough on what could not have been any more than 30 mg, and even that is a stretch. Perhaps some of the MAOI effects of the previously smoked P. Harmala lingered. . .
Perhaps it was my time for a DMT breakthrough. This doesn't feel right though becuase I am so very early in the process. Yet it must be right. I must have been RIPE for it. In hindsight, I suspect I may have come close the first time, especially that pulling sensation in my center! Seemed like my subconscious was primed, even terrified as evidenced by the previous experience.
Insectoids!! I'm laughing hard and loud at my petty fears! Try something more like God-buildings on for size . . . Who could have predicted such a thing?!? I was skeptical about elves, but this . . .
SWIM then lay down in bed, eyes wide open, periodically blinking, convinced she would not sleep. Sleep "took" her soon thereafter for 2.5 hours. SWIM got up and watched the sunrise remove a very bright Jupiter from the morning sky. Her journal continues:
Laid down convinced couldn't sleep and was "taken" into that altered state almost immediately. Up 2.5 hours later. Went to sleep wide-eyes. Woke up wide-eyed but feeling a lot more down to Earth.
The incredible saliency and immediacy of the memory has faded. A lot of it is mainly the journal entry now.
Yet I remain astonished!
We humans are basically a level 0 civilization. Though we can screw our planet we cannot CONTROL it and all its resources completely and utterly. If we could we'd be level 1. If we could control everything within the sun's reach of influence as well as our star itself, we'd be level 2. Similarly, if we could control everything in our galaxy, supermassive black hole at center inclusive, we'd be level 3.
We are level 0 as a species. Technically as a person mine must be a negative number. I can barely control myself and would be no one/nowhere without those I love.
I feel I sat at the feet and gazed up at (minimum) a level 3 being! It radiated intelligence and power. Though it was uninterested and I am sure it would never even think of ever abusing its power . . .
It's good that this is where SWIM's journal entry ends, she was running out of space - she has a notebook filled with scribbled trip narratives now.
SWIM had often discussed being out of body with people. Some had experienced it and some had not. SWIM had not. She KNEW she was out of her body on Salvia Divinorum because she filmed herself once and was shocked to see her body appeared to be abandoned and in deep trance. But she never felt like it. She felt she was in other dimensions/spaces but had taken her body with her!
This time she left her body. She felt herself being smoothly and so easily/seamlessly lifted out. Painless process and took none of the regular, corporeal body-pain with her! No energy or vibration such as she had read about. And when she came back she had to compress her non-corporeal self back into the container of her body. This felt as easy and seamless as the departure but also felt very weird.
SWIM did NOT expect that her entity encounters would be Singularity Machine, Eschaton or some such! She did not expect elves, was worried about insectoids (and still is on several levels), did not expect raw and awe-inspiring intelligence, did not expect aliens, did expect people, corpses or spirits . . .Assumptions made an ass out of SWIM AND SWIM. LOL!
SWIM feels grateful. She didn't know she could achieve this and understands that some never do. She thought she might never get there due to the fact that 50 mg seemed like a lot of harsh smoke to consume in 60 seconds or less. She is still awed and amazed by the intelligence that she encountered. She is not sure when she will smoke spice again - there is some confusion on this front. Part of her is ready for that tonight. Part of her is hesitant . . .
How delightful this all is! This is all that SWIM had hoped for and SO much more!
SWIM and I are sorry that language is inadequate in the psychedelic realm, more so than ever before. . .
Peace,
Pandora
