hesus
believe in anything, believe in everything
I have experienced more out of life than I feel is fair in 30 years. A family rich in love, deep in understanding, and guided by good. My older brother is blind and autistic, he is the center of not only my family, but everyone I know. He is pure love and joy, and his presence protects us from poor decisions, guiding our every move. With my parents internal strength and guidance, I grew up knowing only love, respect, and good will. Anyone that was sick, or needed anything lived with us. I barely remember a time that I didn't live without someone to take care of.
Around the age of 21 I felt compelled to move away from home, not to get away from anything, but to go towards something I could not (and can't) explain. I spent 5 years in the Marines, and while in hindsight I disagree with what the military is doing as a whole, and built some of the most important relationships in my life outside of family. In the "meanest" division of the military, I found myself surrounded by the most caring and selfless people from around the country. In many ways that experience gave me faith in humanity. (I know that sounds like an oxymoron). After completing a second tour in Iraq for 7 months and my 5 year contract I returned home to a world I didn't know.
My father, mentally/physically strong and uninfluenced by others fear or pain, driven only by his true sense of right/wrong, broke his back at work and became someone completely unrecognizable. It was the most painful experience of my life, so torn between my pride in who I have become, and the pain of seeing him loose everything he had worked for. He was 50 lbs lighter (and didn't have 20 to loose) and helpless. 2 weeks after coming home I lost my step-mother. This was only the beginning of my personal decent into hell. My father didn't last a year after his wife passed. In that short time my sister and I had him admitted into the hospital upwards of 30 times, each time fearful was "IT". I soon realized that the only thing worse than not having the man, mentor, and father I had known, was not even having the one I didn't know anymore.
Within 6 months I lost my uncle unexpectedly (which was erie because 2 weeks prior, I had a conversation with his daughter about how hard it is to deal with my dad and that I wanted to get closer to her father. He passed with the most incredible and peaceful smile....only minutes prior to his son returning from Iraq on a emergency flight. When my cousin got to the hospital his father was still warm. Weeks later my cousin's (same family that just lost their father) husband was burned alive during a blackout by a generator malfunction. (this was 2 days before Xmas with 4 children) I took my dad's dog, who NEVER left my side, no leash, no words needed, just an incredible bond between a man and his dog. He was my savior and best friend through the hardest of times. As I helped my cousin move closer to home (after her father passed) he jumped a fence to find me (it would literally be the only reason) and was hit by a car. After hours of searching I found him in the middle of the highway over 2 miles away on the way back home, still warm and breathing his last breaths.
I am going to stop talking about loss as I could go on for way too long with what has happened in the past 4 years since my return home. I lost in total 8 people very close to me, with 7 that were completely unexpected and way too young to be acceptable. Due to upbringing I am already a painfully deep thinker, this took me overboard. I lost a hunger for life, only fueled by a belief that there is meaning in this loss. This is just some of what is necessary to understand to grasp what happened to me last night.
I have felt so much pain that I began noticing I have become numb...to everything...good or bad. I have had no emotion other than anxiety or lack of anxiety. About a year ago I had some deep conversations with a relatively new friend, something rare in life, to be able to be honest and deep with another soul. He introduced me to DMT, which I had some interest in for months. It was a mind blowing experience, I was gone for decades, but back in minutes. I felt that experience validated so many of the thoughts that have been dominating my mind. (meaning of life, my meaning of life, how people are connected, what is right/wrong, etc)
Over the past year I have had a handful of experiences. This is what makes me believe in DMT. I have no interest in having an experience for weeks to months after a session. I need time to understand and take in what I experienced and feel compelled to implement the lessons I have learned into my life. I had many varied experiences, almost always with 3 "friends" with smiles so big they are caricaturist but extremely welcoming. They are and asian girl, a jewish guy, and another I can not remember clearly, oversized and looking down upon me with love, guiding me through the hyper verse. Some sessions take me to other worlds, while others are beautifully subtle, highlighting the sounds of the wind, or pulse of my heart. I have had breakthroughs before, or so I thought. Last night was something I fail to find words for (but will attempt if you are still with my and my lengthy post).
I am in a demanding major, often in class or studio upwards of 80 hours a week. I feel that sometimes, while it is necessary to be very dedicated to school, I use it to keep my mind from wandering into memory and pain. This causes me to feel more alone (only an hour away from family) than I felt when I lived across the country or globe. The other day I am an hour away from a huge presentation from school, and get a phone call from my sister. Without saying a word I can hear her breath in and I know. I know because I have heard that sound too many times before. Someone died...again. My step-father's sister has had a rough two years and once again, my family took in someone in need. She needed to feel love everyday (whether it be a smile in the morning or a fight fueled by concern and love). My sister, a nursing student, missed her practical exam that day to be tested in a real life scenario. She knew she was gone, but had to attempt CPR anyway. She is a hero. While my aunt passed hours before in her sleep, my sister had to put to side all her pain and memories of finding my father on the floor to help my Step-father try to save his sister's life.
Her funeral brought back many repressed emotions for everyone in the room. Each person still trying to understand the meaning of the pain of so much loss for one family. Somedays it is as if our family is going through the bubonic plague while the rest of the world continues. Last night I returned to my house with my roommates (who happen to be friends I lived with in California during the Marines...I told you we were like family, they moved from California, North Dakota, Hawaii, and Ohio to live with me). I introduced them to DMT last August, and we occasionally share a session. Normally we experience the standard hallucinations, and an hour of sharing our experiences. Last night, they had no idea what was about to happen....me either.
As I took a rip, my only thoughts were to get it all in one pull. I never try to go into a session with preconceived notions of what I will get out of it. DMT is the wave and I am just going for the ride, wherever she takes me. After all 3 were in their own world, I took my turn. Before I could put the pipe down I was somewhere else. I was EVERYWHERE else. I relived every experience of my life, but not just from my own memories, from my parent's perspectives, from my sister's life, from my brother's sight (and he is blind). Then I go further, back in time, to past lives, understanding how they are all connected, that my family is so beautiful because we have been together for all time, I walked with Jesus, I may have been Jesus, who knows. I was on other planets, so distant and unimaginable, yet comforting and home. During this time my roommates are deep in their trip, until..."OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!".
I could not stop screaming, so loud and from such a deep guttural place it is impossible to explain. I was going through every good and bad experience I have ever known. The good moments were so incredible, and the bad moments were freeing, like I had been released from the repressed memories I didn't even know I had. As I am coming back to earth my screams of OH MY GOD (that my roommates said looked terrifying, but felt more cathartic than scary) became screams of OH MY GOD more reminiscent of someone that just went skydiving. "OH MY GOD", what did I just experience, OH MY GOD, why have I been letting that stop me, OH MY GOD, how could I have let myself feel so alone, OH MY GOD, do my family members feel this way too, OH MY GOD, can I actually understand so much, OH MY GOD, can I have experienced so much, OH MY GOD, I have been right all along, but doing it so wrong, OH MY GOD, who cares?! let it go, OH MY GOD, I will never be as happy as I remember if I can't be happy here, now, this is it.
I was dry heaving from emotion, too much for me to process, too much to recall. I needed to scream like that so badly, I needed to let go of so much but never realized how badly. As I come back I saw my friends, caring for me, making sure I was ok, I felt guilty for putting them through that, but as they are true friends, no words were necessary. I felt as if I was reborn, brought back from a level of hell that I didn't know existed. It seemed as though I was being brought back from a deep sleep, like you would imagine a futuristic space traveler who is traveling in cryo-freeze for years, awakening to my comrades who have been waiting for me to awaken. Absolutely unbelievable. I wish there was some way to record what I have seen, but I saw things that couldn't be recorded even if they were really happening. I can not describe how terrifying, serene, beautiful, freeing, and therapeutic last night's experience was. I can only hope that others have experienced what I did last night, because while I would rather be the only one that had felt that than to not have, I hope everyone has a moment like that to put life back into perspective, to remember the control they have in their own life, and to be reborn to their body. UNBELIEVABLE!
I am a Landscape Architecture student, and have been planning a 2 month journey this summer to travel from the coast, through the desert, to the Andes, and into the Amazon of Peru to study water issues of the regions. My interest in Peru began in a purely academic sense, but after last night I want to dedicate some time to continue my personal quest of understanding and spirituality. If anyone knows of a shaman that can provide me with a genuine experience in the Peruvian Andes or Amazon, please contact me. I will be researching for 6 weeks, but have a loose itinerary and expect that I will be in the area for 2+ months. Thank you for reading and I hope you let go, ride the wave, and experience all!
Around the age of 21 I felt compelled to move away from home, not to get away from anything, but to go towards something I could not (and can't) explain. I spent 5 years in the Marines, and while in hindsight I disagree with what the military is doing as a whole, and built some of the most important relationships in my life outside of family. In the "meanest" division of the military, I found myself surrounded by the most caring and selfless people from around the country. In many ways that experience gave me faith in humanity. (I know that sounds like an oxymoron). After completing a second tour in Iraq for 7 months and my 5 year contract I returned home to a world I didn't know.
My father, mentally/physically strong and uninfluenced by others fear or pain, driven only by his true sense of right/wrong, broke his back at work and became someone completely unrecognizable. It was the most painful experience of my life, so torn between my pride in who I have become, and the pain of seeing him loose everything he had worked for. He was 50 lbs lighter (and didn't have 20 to loose) and helpless. 2 weeks after coming home I lost my step-mother. This was only the beginning of my personal decent into hell. My father didn't last a year after his wife passed. In that short time my sister and I had him admitted into the hospital upwards of 30 times, each time fearful was "IT". I soon realized that the only thing worse than not having the man, mentor, and father I had known, was not even having the one I didn't know anymore.
Within 6 months I lost my uncle unexpectedly (which was erie because 2 weeks prior, I had a conversation with his daughter about how hard it is to deal with my dad and that I wanted to get closer to her father. He passed with the most incredible and peaceful smile....only minutes prior to his son returning from Iraq on a emergency flight. When my cousin got to the hospital his father was still warm. Weeks later my cousin's (same family that just lost their father) husband was burned alive during a blackout by a generator malfunction. (this was 2 days before Xmas with 4 children) I took my dad's dog, who NEVER left my side, no leash, no words needed, just an incredible bond between a man and his dog. He was my savior and best friend through the hardest of times. As I helped my cousin move closer to home (after her father passed) he jumped a fence to find me (it would literally be the only reason) and was hit by a car. After hours of searching I found him in the middle of the highway over 2 miles away on the way back home, still warm and breathing his last breaths.
I am going to stop talking about loss as I could go on for way too long with what has happened in the past 4 years since my return home. I lost in total 8 people very close to me, with 7 that were completely unexpected and way too young to be acceptable. Due to upbringing I am already a painfully deep thinker, this took me overboard. I lost a hunger for life, only fueled by a belief that there is meaning in this loss. This is just some of what is necessary to understand to grasp what happened to me last night.
I have felt so much pain that I began noticing I have become numb...to everything...good or bad. I have had no emotion other than anxiety or lack of anxiety. About a year ago I had some deep conversations with a relatively new friend, something rare in life, to be able to be honest and deep with another soul. He introduced me to DMT, which I had some interest in for months. It was a mind blowing experience, I was gone for decades, but back in minutes. I felt that experience validated so many of the thoughts that have been dominating my mind. (meaning of life, my meaning of life, how people are connected, what is right/wrong, etc)
Over the past year I have had a handful of experiences. This is what makes me believe in DMT. I have no interest in having an experience for weeks to months after a session. I need time to understand and take in what I experienced and feel compelled to implement the lessons I have learned into my life. I had many varied experiences, almost always with 3 "friends" with smiles so big they are caricaturist but extremely welcoming. They are and asian girl, a jewish guy, and another I can not remember clearly, oversized and looking down upon me with love, guiding me through the hyper verse. Some sessions take me to other worlds, while others are beautifully subtle, highlighting the sounds of the wind, or pulse of my heart. I have had breakthroughs before, or so I thought. Last night was something I fail to find words for (but will attempt if you are still with my and my lengthy post).
I am in a demanding major, often in class or studio upwards of 80 hours a week. I feel that sometimes, while it is necessary to be very dedicated to school, I use it to keep my mind from wandering into memory and pain. This causes me to feel more alone (only an hour away from family) than I felt when I lived across the country or globe. The other day I am an hour away from a huge presentation from school, and get a phone call from my sister. Without saying a word I can hear her breath in and I know. I know because I have heard that sound too many times before. Someone died...again. My step-father's sister has had a rough two years and once again, my family took in someone in need. She needed to feel love everyday (whether it be a smile in the morning or a fight fueled by concern and love). My sister, a nursing student, missed her practical exam that day to be tested in a real life scenario. She knew she was gone, but had to attempt CPR anyway. She is a hero. While my aunt passed hours before in her sleep, my sister had to put to side all her pain and memories of finding my father on the floor to help my Step-father try to save his sister's life.
Her funeral brought back many repressed emotions for everyone in the room. Each person still trying to understand the meaning of the pain of so much loss for one family. Somedays it is as if our family is going through the bubonic plague while the rest of the world continues. Last night I returned to my house with my roommates (who happen to be friends I lived with in California during the Marines...I told you we were like family, they moved from California, North Dakota, Hawaii, and Ohio to live with me). I introduced them to DMT last August, and we occasionally share a session. Normally we experience the standard hallucinations, and an hour of sharing our experiences. Last night, they had no idea what was about to happen....me either.
As I took a rip, my only thoughts were to get it all in one pull. I never try to go into a session with preconceived notions of what I will get out of it. DMT is the wave and I am just going for the ride, wherever she takes me. After all 3 were in their own world, I took my turn. Before I could put the pipe down I was somewhere else. I was EVERYWHERE else. I relived every experience of my life, but not just from my own memories, from my parent's perspectives, from my sister's life, from my brother's sight (and he is blind). Then I go further, back in time, to past lives, understanding how they are all connected, that my family is so beautiful because we have been together for all time, I walked with Jesus, I may have been Jesus, who knows. I was on other planets, so distant and unimaginable, yet comforting and home. During this time my roommates are deep in their trip, until..."OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!".
I could not stop screaming, so loud and from such a deep guttural place it is impossible to explain. I was going through every good and bad experience I have ever known. The good moments were so incredible, and the bad moments were freeing, like I had been released from the repressed memories I didn't even know I had. As I am coming back to earth my screams of OH MY GOD (that my roommates said looked terrifying, but felt more cathartic than scary) became screams of OH MY GOD more reminiscent of someone that just went skydiving. "OH MY GOD", what did I just experience, OH MY GOD, why have I been letting that stop me, OH MY GOD, how could I have let myself feel so alone, OH MY GOD, do my family members feel this way too, OH MY GOD, can I actually understand so much, OH MY GOD, can I have experienced so much, OH MY GOD, I have been right all along, but doing it so wrong, OH MY GOD, who cares?! let it go, OH MY GOD, I will never be as happy as I remember if I can't be happy here, now, this is it.
I was dry heaving from emotion, too much for me to process, too much to recall. I needed to scream like that so badly, I needed to let go of so much but never realized how badly. As I come back I saw my friends, caring for me, making sure I was ok, I felt guilty for putting them through that, but as they are true friends, no words were necessary. I felt as if I was reborn, brought back from a level of hell that I didn't know existed. It seemed as though I was being brought back from a deep sleep, like you would imagine a futuristic space traveler who is traveling in cryo-freeze for years, awakening to my comrades who have been waiting for me to awaken. Absolutely unbelievable. I wish there was some way to record what I have seen, but I saw things that couldn't be recorded even if they were really happening. I can not describe how terrifying, serene, beautiful, freeing, and therapeutic last night's experience was. I can only hope that others have experienced what I did last night, because while I would rather be the only one that had felt that than to not have, I hope everyone has a moment like that to put life back into perspective, to remember the control they have in their own life, and to be reborn to their body. UNBELIEVABLE!
I am a Landscape Architecture student, and have been planning a 2 month journey this summer to travel from the coast, through the desert, to the Andes, and into the Amazon of Peru to study water issues of the regions. My interest in Peru began in a purely academic sense, but after last night I want to dedicate some time to continue my personal quest of understanding and spirituality. If anyone knows of a shaman that can provide me with a genuine experience in the Peruvian Andes or Amazon, please contact me. I will be researching for 6 weeks, but have a loose itinerary and expect that I will be in the area for 2+ months. Thank you for reading and I hope you let go, ride the wave, and experience all!
