i don't even know how to start this so i'm gonna just let my fingers go and hope for the best....if it gets a little muddy, please bear with me...
the depth of my breakthroughs have come in distinct steps. i break through to a new, deeper level, stay there for weeks, sometimes more sometimes less, then i begin to have a handful of breakthroughs that are noticeably different in their "feel"....this ultimately leads to a giant awakening to a deeper layer of the onion.
the "feel" that i talk about centers around the love-bliss that is part and parcel in most journeys i have known. there is a level of emotional connectedness that- no matter how far gone i am- manages to tether me to the one thing that makes it all good. love.
so...to be clear...it goes something like this for me (and has done since day 1)- i breakthrough every day. the breakthroughs are always deep, profound and eductaional. there is always a sense of connection and love. after a week or so (ie: a dozen or more journeys), i start having journeys that are a little bit more intangible...a little more confusing and dissolving. this wouldn't be a challenge if not for the fact that there is also a clinical, emotionlessness that accompanies them.
i soldier through a handful of these, not allowing any sense of fear or trepidation to enter my conscious mind. the work begins to feel very much like work....and yet there is a voice in my heart that keeps telling me that "something wonderful is going to come from this courage".
BOOM!
i will have a breakthrough that has all of the "new depth", but with that love and support that had gone away for a bit. the new depth is now profoundly healing and i am able to surrender to it on a whole new level. my mind has lifted itself up to this new level and away we go. it is profoundly rewarding and deeply magical and the love-bliss feels even stronger than the first time i ever felt it.
the tough part is that each time i make one of these "shifts" to the next level, the following pre-shift breakthroughs get progressively harder. they tap into a level of would-be fear that is deeper rooted in my psyche. just when i thought i had no fear in me, one of these "hard phases" commences and i am truly tested.
when i began this PARK MEMOIRS experiment, i knew something like this was going to happen. it did and it did in a way that has taken me to the most challenging point yet in my work with DMT.
i have gotten to the point now where one good lungful of a changa (approx .03) will not just break me through, but will induce complete ego-death on a level never before experienced. my last three journeys (i have not written about them because i just can't....i simply don't know how to yet) have all been complete ego-death on a level i didn't know possible. certainly beyond what i've known in my work thus far.
last night took me to the absolute brink of my abilities as a psychedelic/spiritual warrior. this phase of "testing" has reached new depths..
i sat back on my bed with the remnants of a changa/spice GVG dose that was smoked by impossiblemachine earlier. i knew there was MORE than enough to take me deep left in it so i prepared myself. my ego-deaths had been getting progressively less-personal and euphoric throughout the week and i just felt deep down that this was going to be big. without a "net".
i took the biggest hit imagineable. even had a good hit left in the VG because i simply couldn't inhale any deeper. i was rocketing out of myself so fast i couldn't even find my mouth to clear the remains. i was so far gone. i actually was taken slightly aback by the sheer force of it.
i surrendered. but before i could even consciously choose to do so, i was dead. i didn't know anything. this was new, different, and to be quite honest....almost more than i could handle.
the world i was in was so solid and real. it was more real that the world i had left. there was no questioning it. there was no knowing anything. things looped and repeated and made no sense and i WAS the experience completely. i had no ego and i had no understanding or ability to even connect to a "feeling". it was so clinical and impersonal...and SO FUCKING INTENSE. it was also eternal. there were moments when any tiny drops of fear that had collected in the corners of dark rooms within myself were sucked up into a place that existed within where i was. it was palpable, but at the same time, it was almost overpoweringly so. i was so annihilated that even fear couldn't have relevance.
i was here forever. in truth, i've been walking around quite shell-shocked all day today. it took me so long to make sense of the world when i returned. it was the most confusing experience of my life.
i didn't give in to any fear. the need to "know" ANYTHING was so strong....i was just so lost without it...i didn't fight. unlike my first ego-death in the park, there was not a euphoria surrounding my selflessness. there was simply a gripping awareness that i had no control and any attempt to try to acquire any would come with devastating consequences. it was like being held under water just a little longer than you think you can last. as a surfer for most of my life, i know this feeling and the helplessness that it can evoke. surrender is the only answer....but surrender is truly challenged sometimes when death becomes increasingly possible. a panic can surface....even though you know it will not help you.
it is limbic. it is reptile-brain. THIS is the structure of fear i was shown. the face of my very human desire to hold on. beyond mind. beyond conscious choice.
the point of this is still weighing heavily on me. i cannot tell if it is something that i need to transcend or if i was shown this as a way of understanding that there is a certain point at which one needs to fight to stay in this place after a certain point of "heavenly insight" is reached. almost as if i need to see, feel and respect the one thing that keeps us all from just saying, "fuck this, hyperspace is waaaay better than here...i'm just gonna jump off a cliff and let this shitty world eat itself." i was shown the very thing thing that keeps us in this world. the necessary anchor of the human experience.
like i said, the re-entry during this last succession of ego-deaths has been more difficult than ever. knowing who i am and what this world is takes time to re-establish. the appreciation for this life is like a heavy golden trophy that i clutch with all my being.
i will not lie to you all. i feel like something beyond massive is coming to me. as if i am about to break through to a level of communication with DMT that few may know. my concern is genuine. i want to be able to share whatever i am shown. i want to be able to work with the depths of understanding i am being shown. i am, to be quite vulnerable here, being pushed to my personal event horizon both in that world and in this. who i am needs to grown HERE to be able to share what i am now seeing THERE. a complete shift. this is where i stand.
i am truly humbled by this work. i don't know what else to say.... i want so desperately to share the world i have come to know more than most. to share what i am being entrusted to contain. many switches have been flipped inside of me at this point and who i am has never been more clear and in flux simultaneously. the surrender that has taken me so far into hyperspace is being called upon to facilitate a change in my life here.
this is my work. this is my challenge.
i'm sorry for the long ramble. i just wanted to reach out to those who can support me. i have worked with DMT more than any 25 people i know of combined. this comes with a price. i have never been more self-aware than i am now. i have never felt more compassion for the world and understanding for the flow of life that surrounds me. but, to be totally honest, this ain't all just peaches n' cream. integrating and being true to truth itself is the most challenging thing i've ever had to deal with.
sometimes i get a little overwhelmed....
WITH THE DEEPEST LOVE AND GRATITUDE!!
the depth of my breakthroughs have come in distinct steps. i break through to a new, deeper level, stay there for weeks, sometimes more sometimes less, then i begin to have a handful of breakthroughs that are noticeably different in their "feel"....this ultimately leads to a giant awakening to a deeper layer of the onion.
the "feel" that i talk about centers around the love-bliss that is part and parcel in most journeys i have known. there is a level of emotional connectedness that- no matter how far gone i am- manages to tether me to the one thing that makes it all good. love.
so...to be clear...it goes something like this for me (and has done since day 1)- i breakthrough every day. the breakthroughs are always deep, profound and eductaional. there is always a sense of connection and love. after a week or so (ie: a dozen or more journeys), i start having journeys that are a little bit more intangible...a little more confusing and dissolving. this wouldn't be a challenge if not for the fact that there is also a clinical, emotionlessness that accompanies them.
i soldier through a handful of these, not allowing any sense of fear or trepidation to enter my conscious mind. the work begins to feel very much like work....and yet there is a voice in my heart that keeps telling me that "something wonderful is going to come from this courage".
BOOM!
i will have a breakthrough that has all of the "new depth", but with that love and support that had gone away for a bit. the new depth is now profoundly healing and i am able to surrender to it on a whole new level. my mind has lifted itself up to this new level and away we go. it is profoundly rewarding and deeply magical and the love-bliss feels even stronger than the first time i ever felt it.
the tough part is that each time i make one of these "shifts" to the next level, the following pre-shift breakthroughs get progressively harder. they tap into a level of would-be fear that is deeper rooted in my psyche. just when i thought i had no fear in me, one of these "hard phases" commences and i am truly tested.
when i began this PARK MEMOIRS experiment, i knew something like this was going to happen. it did and it did in a way that has taken me to the most challenging point yet in my work with DMT.
i have gotten to the point now where one good lungful of a changa (approx .03) will not just break me through, but will induce complete ego-death on a level never before experienced. my last three journeys (i have not written about them because i just can't....i simply don't know how to yet) have all been complete ego-death on a level i didn't know possible. certainly beyond what i've known in my work thus far.
last night took me to the absolute brink of my abilities as a psychedelic/spiritual warrior. this phase of "testing" has reached new depths..
i sat back on my bed with the remnants of a changa/spice GVG dose that was smoked by impossiblemachine earlier. i knew there was MORE than enough to take me deep left in it so i prepared myself. my ego-deaths had been getting progressively less-personal and euphoric throughout the week and i just felt deep down that this was going to be big. without a "net".
i took the biggest hit imagineable. even had a good hit left in the VG because i simply couldn't inhale any deeper. i was rocketing out of myself so fast i couldn't even find my mouth to clear the remains. i was so far gone. i actually was taken slightly aback by the sheer force of it.
i surrendered. but before i could even consciously choose to do so, i was dead. i didn't know anything. this was new, different, and to be quite honest....almost more than i could handle.
the world i was in was so solid and real. it was more real that the world i had left. there was no questioning it. there was no knowing anything. things looped and repeated and made no sense and i WAS the experience completely. i had no ego and i had no understanding or ability to even connect to a "feeling". it was so clinical and impersonal...and SO FUCKING INTENSE. it was also eternal. there were moments when any tiny drops of fear that had collected in the corners of dark rooms within myself were sucked up into a place that existed within where i was. it was palpable, but at the same time, it was almost overpoweringly so. i was so annihilated that even fear couldn't have relevance.
i was here forever. in truth, i've been walking around quite shell-shocked all day today. it took me so long to make sense of the world when i returned. it was the most confusing experience of my life.
i didn't give in to any fear. the need to "know" ANYTHING was so strong....i was just so lost without it...i didn't fight. unlike my first ego-death in the park, there was not a euphoria surrounding my selflessness. there was simply a gripping awareness that i had no control and any attempt to try to acquire any would come with devastating consequences. it was like being held under water just a little longer than you think you can last. as a surfer for most of my life, i know this feeling and the helplessness that it can evoke. surrender is the only answer....but surrender is truly challenged sometimes when death becomes increasingly possible. a panic can surface....even though you know it will not help you.
it is limbic. it is reptile-brain. THIS is the structure of fear i was shown. the face of my very human desire to hold on. beyond mind. beyond conscious choice.
the point of this is still weighing heavily on me. i cannot tell if it is something that i need to transcend or if i was shown this as a way of understanding that there is a certain point at which one needs to fight to stay in this place after a certain point of "heavenly insight" is reached. almost as if i need to see, feel and respect the one thing that keeps us all from just saying, "fuck this, hyperspace is waaaay better than here...i'm just gonna jump off a cliff and let this shitty world eat itself." i was shown the very thing thing that keeps us in this world. the necessary anchor of the human experience.
like i said, the re-entry during this last succession of ego-deaths has been more difficult than ever. knowing who i am and what this world is takes time to re-establish. the appreciation for this life is like a heavy golden trophy that i clutch with all my being.
i will not lie to you all. i feel like something beyond massive is coming to me. as if i am about to break through to a level of communication with DMT that few may know. my concern is genuine. i want to be able to share whatever i am shown. i want to be able to work with the depths of understanding i am being shown. i am, to be quite vulnerable here, being pushed to my personal event horizon both in that world and in this. who i am needs to grown HERE to be able to share what i am now seeing THERE. a complete shift. this is where i stand.
i am truly humbled by this work. i don't know what else to say.... i want so desperately to share the world i have come to know more than most. to share what i am being entrusted to contain. many switches have been flipped inside of me at this point and who i am has never been more clear and in flux simultaneously. the surrender that has taken me so far into hyperspace is being called upon to facilitate a change in my life here.
this is my work. this is my challenge.
i'm sorry for the long ramble. i just wanted to reach out to those who can support me. i have worked with DMT more than any 25 people i know of combined. this comes with a price. i have never been more self-aware than i am now. i have never felt more compassion for the world and understanding for the flow of life that surrounds me. but, to be totally honest, this ain't all just peaches n' cream. integrating and being true to truth itself is the most challenging thing i've ever had to deal with.
sometimes i get a little overwhelmed....
WITH THE DEEPEST LOVE AND GRATITUDE!!
