I would like to share some conclusions drawn from my experiences over the past two weeks, which have been some of the most intense to date.
PANIC
I have never, ever before been gripped by panic. 200+ Aya journeys, 100+ hard changa sessions, no panic, no need for sitters. I am a cool cat. Indestructible.
(I say this tongue in cheek.)
Then, one night, I took .3 micrograms of melatonin in the form of a whole foods supplement (most synthetic melatonin supplements come in the milligrams, 1000s of times stronger than this). I tripped. INSTANTLY. I tripped HARD. This made me PANIC.
Why did I panic?
#1) Completely unexpected. This was not a situation that I prepared for and consciously engaged. Tripping happened TO me, and therefore resulted in a new level of loss of control.
#2) Was this safe? NOOOO idea.
#3) I have zero experience with panic attacks. I've never had one. Suddenly, the pressure was draining from my head, my heart was pounding, my bowels went crazy, I wanted to puke and scream and faint and--oh--thoughts about, what happens when the landlord finds me dead?
#4) Like a dumbass, I started frantically googling MAOI+melatonin reactions. All I could find was that melatonin, in extreme cases, can be hypotensive. Ayahuasca can also be hypotensive. My BP is on the lowest end of the healthy spectrum, always has been. Too bad all of the symptoms of panic attack are the same as symptoms of hypotension. My mind was out of control.
=====> So
A very dear person humored my hysterical nonsense on the phone. The minute I connected with a human voice, the symptoms dissipated by 75%. I was still feeling very weird.
There was also a very powerful subset of experiences in addition to all of these symptoms that were related to the melatonin; it is, in every way, as strong as a fullblown Ayahuasca experience, in that it can totally rip you to shreds and there is nothing you can do about it. Only, it's not sharp, it's soft and smothering. The intensity of dissolution was also grounds for panic.
=====> The scariest symptom in all of this was in my chest. Sometimes my chest felt hot. My pulse was fine, but there was a very strange and uncomfortable sensation in my chest that immediately grew worse whenever I would focus on it/panic.
I tried melatonin once again at <1/8 the dose, accidentally ingested cacao, and had several more episodes that were not triggered by substances of any kind. The chest feeling was present throughout all of them; I panicked less as I knew residual harmalas were clearing my system and there was less of a chance of this being something physically dangerous.
The chest, the chest, the chest, my heart. Was something wrong with my heart? Why was my awareness in my heart?
======> So, tonight I ate a banana, and felt like I was about to start tripping again. My head got hot--felt like Caapi--but I also felt THIS HOT, UNCOMFORTABLE, rotten tension in my chest.
I said, "Okay, mind, there are no more chemicals in my body anymore, so WHAT is going on? I challenge you... to a duel!"
I unrolled the purple yoga mat, suited up in my magic-mushroom-lotus-buddah yoga pants (freaking cool pants!), and faced myself.
A series of poses is essentially a series of diagnostics.
I was on the floor in bow-pose--an extreme heart/chest opener--and burst into TEARS. I cried and cried and cried and realized there is a ton of shit going on in my life that really bothers me, makes me very sad, and I wasn't even aware of it. Most of it is just tragic environment--at work, for example, I work in a very closely-knit environment, lots of people associated with the business have died, and there is this terrible, oppressive aura of grief lurking in the background constantly. It was taking its toll. There's a lot of other stuff on my mind, too, abandonment, being alone, grief, fear, things I still need to mourn.
Anyway, when I finally stopped crying, I got up and it felt like I had passed a LUMP OF HARD COAL through my chest. I felt so much better. In the three or four days of weirdness, I had a lot of moments of wanting to cry, but I was never actually able to just break down while altered and let it flow (usually, I have no problems doing this, altered or not).
I passed an energy that was intensely stuck, and it manifested as terrifying and insidious physical symptoms, which were the cause of panic.
I don't want to underestimate the importance of caring for oneself physically--but--there are also a fair amount of unexplainable freakouts here, situations in which the consumer of a substance is in sound health, takes nothing physically dangerous, and has a very negative physical experience, as illustrated by my example. I believe, in these cases, it is worth going deeper to probe for an emotional source of the anguish.
Love to you all.
**
P.S. Today I ate sea vegetables, a wide variety of sprouts, 2 avocados, tons of sweet fruit, cashews, drank loads of vegetable juice, and lots of other stuff. I know there are some people here who question the viability of my diet, but I regularly ingest 2000+ calories/day, I meet or exceed vitamin and mineral requirements, and get plenty of healthy fats. I do take care of myself. If I didn't eat this way, I would also panic about the state of my body during ceremony, so I have to rule out every possible source of anxiety as much as possible. I appreciate and respect the concern, but would just like to elucidate that while my focus is on fruit, and it has greatly augmented the intensity of entheogenic experiences I'm having, I am including a wide variety of grounding and mineralized foods, too. I am in no way starving myself. I've gained 30 pounds of muscle since December (RAWR!). I cycle everywhere, can do handstands and a one-legged squat standing on just toes. :shock:
PANIC
I have never, ever before been gripped by panic. 200+ Aya journeys, 100+ hard changa sessions, no panic, no need for sitters. I am a cool cat. Indestructible.
(I say this tongue in cheek.)Then, one night, I took .3 micrograms of melatonin in the form of a whole foods supplement (most synthetic melatonin supplements come in the milligrams, 1000s of times stronger than this). I tripped. INSTANTLY. I tripped HARD. This made me PANIC.
Why did I panic?
#1) Completely unexpected. This was not a situation that I prepared for and consciously engaged. Tripping happened TO me, and therefore resulted in a new level of loss of control.
#2) Was this safe? NOOOO idea.
#3) I have zero experience with panic attacks. I've never had one. Suddenly, the pressure was draining from my head, my heart was pounding, my bowels went crazy, I wanted to puke and scream and faint and--oh--thoughts about, what happens when the landlord finds me dead?
#4) Like a dumbass, I started frantically googling MAOI+melatonin reactions. All I could find was that melatonin, in extreme cases, can be hypotensive. Ayahuasca can also be hypotensive. My BP is on the lowest end of the healthy spectrum, always has been. Too bad all of the symptoms of panic attack are the same as symptoms of hypotension. My mind was out of control.
=====> So
A very dear person humored my hysterical nonsense on the phone. The minute I connected with a human voice, the symptoms dissipated by 75%. I was still feeling very weird.
There was also a very powerful subset of experiences in addition to all of these symptoms that were related to the melatonin; it is, in every way, as strong as a fullblown Ayahuasca experience, in that it can totally rip you to shreds and there is nothing you can do about it. Only, it's not sharp, it's soft and smothering. The intensity of dissolution was also grounds for panic.
=====> The scariest symptom in all of this was in my chest. Sometimes my chest felt hot. My pulse was fine, but there was a very strange and uncomfortable sensation in my chest that immediately grew worse whenever I would focus on it/panic.
I tried melatonin once again at <1/8 the dose, accidentally ingested cacao, and had several more episodes that were not triggered by substances of any kind. The chest feeling was present throughout all of them; I panicked less as I knew residual harmalas were clearing my system and there was less of a chance of this being something physically dangerous.
The chest, the chest, the chest, my heart. Was something wrong with my heart? Why was my awareness in my heart?
======> So, tonight I ate a banana, and felt like I was about to start tripping again. My head got hot--felt like Caapi--but I also felt THIS HOT, UNCOMFORTABLE, rotten tension in my chest.
I said, "Okay, mind, there are no more chemicals in my body anymore, so WHAT is going on? I challenge you... to a duel!"
I unrolled the purple yoga mat, suited up in my magic-mushroom-lotus-buddah yoga pants (freaking cool pants!), and faced myself.
A series of poses is essentially a series of diagnostics.
I was on the floor in bow-pose--an extreme heart/chest opener--and burst into TEARS. I cried and cried and cried and realized there is a ton of shit going on in my life that really bothers me, makes me very sad, and I wasn't even aware of it. Most of it is just tragic environment--at work, for example, I work in a very closely-knit environment, lots of people associated with the business have died, and there is this terrible, oppressive aura of grief lurking in the background constantly. It was taking its toll. There's a lot of other stuff on my mind, too, abandonment, being alone, grief, fear, things I still need to mourn.
Anyway, when I finally stopped crying, I got up and it felt like I had passed a LUMP OF HARD COAL through my chest. I felt so much better. In the three or four days of weirdness, I had a lot of moments of wanting to cry, but I was never actually able to just break down while altered and let it flow (usually, I have no problems doing this, altered or not).
I passed an energy that was intensely stuck, and it manifested as terrifying and insidious physical symptoms, which were the cause of panic.
I don't want to underestimate the importance of caring for oneself physically--but--there are also a fair amount of unexplainable freakouts here, situations in which the consumer of a substance is in sound health, takes nothing physically dangerous, and has a very negative physical experience, as illustrated by my example. I believe, in these cases, it is worth going deeper to probe for an emotional source of the anguish.
Love to you all.
**
P.S. Today I ate sea vegetables, a wide variety of sprouts, 2 avocados, tons of sweet fruit, cashews, drank loads of vegetable juice, and lots of other stuff.
I know there are some people here who question the viability of my diet, but I regularly ingest 2000+ calories/day, I meet or exceed vitamin and mineral requirements, and get plenty of healthy fats. I do take care of myself. If I didn't eat this way, I would also panic about the state of my body during ceremony, so I have to rule out every possible source of anxiety as much as possible. I appreciate and respect the concern, but would just like to elucidate that while my focus is on fruit, and it has greatly augmented the intensity of entheogenic experiences I'm having, I am including a wide variety of grounding and mineralized foods, too. I am in no way starving myself. I've gained 30 pounds of muscle since December (RAWR!). I cycle everywhere, can do handstands and a one-legged squat standing on just toes. :shock:
