Painful Ego Death

[NadiaViolet]

This experience was entirely horrific, very interesting, and I'm not entirely sure what to make of it yet. However, I'm going to write down as much as I can remember or experienced, and what other people told me afterwards, to try and piece something out of it and learn from it as best as possible. I don't know if I'll ever be able to properly describe what happened but I'll have a go.

We were at Bestival over my birthday, 5th of September, and had one of the best weekend of my life! It was so beautifully amazing. One of my favorite things to do in life is to dance. We were in Wagamama's, a really good party place where our big gorgeous group would dance off our faces. Loads of us had taken really strong acid, on fruit pastels, and were having the best time. I decided to take the another half whilst we were on the dance floor. I remember stopping and thinking "Should I really do this?" and popped it in my mouth. I was entirely shocked at what happened next.

Apparently I dance like a maniac, and I was tripping so hard I felt like I knew which way the music as going which meant I could be more intricate and confident in my dance. I have so much energy because dance is how I express my rage and love. However, I didn't expect this to happen so literally. These two girls who were totally gone started to dance with me, and more people started looking at me and dancing around me. This is the last bit I remember coherently. The rest is mixed up and blurred. I remember thinking how much attention I was getting and being a bit overwhelmed by this. Being focused on on the dance floor, I guess this was an appropriate context for my ego - my self - to be pulled apart in front of my eyes.

I remember spinning and seeing everyone look at me. Then I thought everyone was talking to me (this didn't happen in physical reality) Can't remember what they were saying but I could hear everyone, and inside everyone. I was still dancing in tune with the music. There was a riddle of life - don't think it was in speech form but was running through the music, everyone else, and my head - and I thought I was totally exposed to everyone in the world. All of my insecurities and my biggest fears were splayed out. But it was paralleled with the rest of the world and the earth. This was not about me at all. I remember asking afterwards if I had all of my clothes on afterwards, because in my trip out it felt like I was experiencing emotional and physical violation. and I was reduced to my sexual body parts - like so many are - and it was paralleled with the rape of the earth and her resources, and I felt the pain of mother nature and human suffering. It was entirely excruciating and so intense as well. It was grief and agony on a level I'd never experienced. It was like experiencing the root of suffering. It was horrendous and I was screaming at the top of my lungs - but I don't remember that.

I had this overwhelming sense of having to endure it. Almost like 'Tough Shit - Deal with It'. Everyone around me started to disapear, although it felt like I was a part of everyone and everything. Thus I was disappearing. I was being left. I was the only person left on earth, and it was almost like a joke of existence. Everything was about to end, everyone was about to die. Me, everyone I loved, and the universe. We were all about to implode. I saw everyone I loved and focused on them - and I got a sense that love was a central part of survival. Of endurance. Then everything went white, and then black. Love was the end point. Literally, it was like love was a full stop in the center of my vision. My ego had disintegrated. But then it was circular, I was still there. I was still existing; once I got through that I came to certain realization that it was all going to be okay. It was almost like a joke - as in, life nearly ended - NOT. Life - energy - doesn't end. Apparently I changed from screaming and saying 'Oh shit' to saying 'No way!' happily as I came to realize infinite existence.

By this point I was outside, and in a circle, I went back into painful experience. I remember being quite frightened that this was going to happen for ever, or at least a few ours hours. But then I had a sense of being 'let out', of being excused from this horrible experience because of enduring it like i did. Just before my trip out finished, I remember my vision being different until POP - I totally snapped out of it. I was on the floor with my best friends around me - having NO idea what had just happened in physical reality. I started to ask why was everyone upset, what had I done, and I was entirely relieved it was all over. I think if I hadn't have dealt with it and pushed myself through it I may have been lost for much longer. This bit was especially weird. When I was briefly left on my own outside, I heard whispers of my name all around me. This is another reason why I reckon it was ego death. I also had a flash of visuals which depicted the 'Third eye'. Also, afterwards, my visuals turned into clear rainbow lacy outlines of a beautiful naked female form in a meditation position (almost exactly like the main picture on the main page of this website) with charkras running up her body.

I have felt fine ever since i snapped out of it - slightly overwhelmed by what happened, but fine none-the-less. I feel a bit sad that I frightened my friends so much, and I feel humbled by the experience, more equipped to appreciate life and since I've felt sooooo happy to be alive, I am so utterly grateful towards my friends who helped me out. I love you so much. Words will never describe it. You are so beautiful to me. I am a bit in love with everyone. I'm definitely going to give psychedelics a break to enable thorough reflection on what happened for a while. I didn't realize ego death could feel so painful. My trip reminded me of this video by Eve Ensler. Especially her parallel between human suffering and the earth.

I think in terms of trying to piece together what I've learnt, experiencing a literal parallel between my own suffering, wider social pain and the biosphere - although it was horrible - enables a strengthened emotional connection with the planet, to empathize, love, provoking an even greater urge to protect the earth, myself, and each other. Love is central. I remember feeling afterwards at peace with myself as I literally expunged a lot of inner rage and sadness, and I felt my worth as being the same as everything and everyone else. Nothing is above or below me or us. I deserve respect and love like everything else. I think that was quite a good lesson. I have also felt more passionate since - even more of a drive inside of me. Also - generally speaking - ego's suck ass. Because, ego's can help us forget all of this, can lead us to arrogance (I hate arrogance - so hierarchical and has led to a hell of a lot of destruction.) I think that human arrogance has caused a lot of the worlds problems and exploitation. We need to get over ourselves and realize we're not at the top, and we should remain humble to that. Although very helpful sometimes, we overuse and promote our ego's and selves. It's important to remember we are ALL - including plants and animals - are equal. We are f a m i l y.

Thanks, much love guys

Nadia x

 

[TheRisingTied]

Hey NadiaViolet,
Happy birthday and thanks for the report, it was very interesting to read.
I specially appreciated the detailed explanation of what you saw and why (in what context) you felt the way you did about each part, which made it possible to get to view the experience through your eyes. People sometimes skip this and mostly focus on how the experience generally made them feel, which is an important thing in it's own right just not enough for an inexperienced person to get a proper picture of what they're getting themselves into by choosing to try psychedelics themselves.
There are reasons for that of course, some people (like myself) don't remember things as vividly or are just plain not good with words, I suspect it's mostly because the effect it had on them was so profound that completely over-shadowed or wiped the details of what actually happened. Totally understandable. I just think reports with more such details should be encouraged.

The main reason I commented though, please one more time think carefully about putting yourself in an extraordinarily vulnerable position (through which many people need the supervision of a sitter) while accompanied by someone who's shown such a clear disregard for your safety and well-being once before.
Thanks again, and be safe.

 

[NadiaViolet]

Thanks for my birthday wishish Thanks lovely. It's very difficult to put into words isn't it, still never going to manage it. Wish our language was more developed surrounding trip descriptions! I wonder what other languages are better at it than english Also, I was hoping for some guidance on what happened - it's easy to be unsure of your own makings and evaluation of what experiences mean - but i guess it's always what you make of it? I just want to make sure I learn from it in the most progressive way y'know?

Very true! Yes I often don't remember very much, it's like a dream almost, even if you are paying totaly attention the whole time - which i definately was ha - yes agree that its because its so intense, yeah our minds aren't used to so much at once i guess. I'll keep that in mind for future reports as well. You're very right in saying that. I was also with a group of about 35 friends who are like family to me, it was very symbolic that he and some of my other best friends helped me out the most. Yeah, it was probably a very intense context to be on such strong psychedelics though - especially LSD.

Thanks for your message lovely take care x

 

[NadiaViolet]

Since this experience I have read things that have helped make sense of it some more, and when reading a book on Shamanism, i read a description of something called Dismemberment which sounds very very similar to what I experienced.

Here are some things that I have read that have reminded me of the experience. Some of these descriptions resemble very much what I went through. I have highlighted the parts that are specially significant for me personally. I remember before things went crazy I had this urge to keep dancing that was so strong – it almost wasn’t me. Dance, dance; keep dancing. (There is also a really relevant section on dancing in this book which I will write out when I have the time). Also, it takes a lot of reading the previous sections of this book to contextualize surrounding some of the ideas, but hopefully it’ll still make sense to you.

The Shamans Spirit

Dismemberment

The spirits throw the initiate onto a black table and chop his body with their knives, casting the pieces into a large caldron. When the flesh has boiled away, one of the spirits searches through the pot for an extra bone, one with a hole through it. Putting an eye to the hole, the spirit sees that the initiate will be a shaman. Now the spirits begin to remake the mane so that he will be born anew, full of shamanic power.

Submision to the spirits.

Despite the terrible act of dismemberment, the individiaul does not die, but instead is remade anew. The initiate above, Kyzlasov from Khakassia in southern Siberia, related his story to a young Hungarian researcher in the 1950s. The bone for which the spirits searched, known as artykh syook, was the sign that Kyzlasov was destined to be a shaman – his physical imperfection had already marked him out to the spirits.

For many shamans, their path begins with a terrifying ordeal in which the spirits rip apart their body, burning or boiling away the flesh, and sometimes even grinding the bones to dust. As this happens only in the otherworld, there is no pain and the shaman’s soul is free to watch the destruction of the body. It is a harrowing experience of death, and the reason why many traditional people fear the call of the spirits. (Page 130)

When the spirits call and individual from Xhosa people of South Africa, they usually appear in dreams as wild animals – often as lions, but sometimes as crocodiles or snakes. They rip apart the dreamer limb by limb, devouring the body until there is nothing left. The Tantri Buddhist rite of Chod (meaning ‘to sever) takes place to music played upon instruments of human bones, the spirits tearing apart the initiates body with knives and flails. Then demons and wild beasts rush in and gorge on the flesh and bloody until nothing remains. Some initiatory journeys are less gruesome, such as the drowning or shooting experienced by the Inuit angakkuq, but the initiate still suffers death.

In Japan, the shamanic-Buddhist mountain hermits known as yamabushi are held face down over a plunging precipice while they confess their sins, returning cleaned from the ordeal. Such close proximity to death reflects the shamanic tradition of dismemberment. In the interior of Borneo, the head of a Dyak initiate is split open by spirits and the individual receives a new mind with which they can understand the hidden forces of the world.

The surrender to the spirits is absolute. There are no half measures – the initiate must die. Although dismemberment occurs in the otherworld, it is still frightening and potentially dangerous for those who do not know what to expect. You have been journeying to the spirits for some time now. Do you trust them enough to put yout body in their hands and accept brutal dismemberment while a part of you stands by and observes what is happening? This is a test of faith in your spirit allies, and it takes a brave person to undergo the experience.

In some cases assaults on the physical body mirror what the spirits do to the body in the otherworld.; they are a means of making the acct real, a form of ritual theatre. In southern Chile, an experienced machi removes negative energy from a Mapuche initiate by iolently sucking on her breast and head with enough force to draw blood. The following day, the machi cuts the initiates fingers and lips with a knife of white quartz. Taman shamans from Borneo also find their fingers pierced during initiation by baliens wielding finishing hooks. They embed these deep in the flesh to enable the initiate to feel and remove spirit intrusions from future patients. Baliens also pierce the outer eye tissue of initiates to enable them to see the spirits. (Page 132)



Remade whole

In all cases of dismemberment, after the initiate is reduced to nothing, the spirits begin to build the body anew, sometimes adding supernatural powers. The eyes of a Dyak initiate may be rubbed with gold dust in order to see the spirits, and the fingers may be fetted with barbs to grab hold of wandering souls. In Austrialia, to become a shaman….initiates undergo dismemberment, and are remade with new organs replacing the old. The spirits may use quartz crystals for the purpose, something that may be replicated in this reality: in eastern Australia for example, quartz and pearl shell is inserted into an initiates abdomen through a small incision, or else sung into them with sacred songs. For some initiates, even the replacement of organs may tkaep lace in this reality. We have also seen how Igbo dibia from Niger receive the eyes of a dog upon initiation.

Having faced death and annihilation, the shaman is given new life by the spirits. It is a frightening experience, but only a prelude to the risks shamans face every time they visit the otherworld (the dangers and trials of shamanism are explored on pages…). On each journey the soul leaves this world for another and, in that sense, the individual experiences a form of death. But dismemberment is also a symbol of the great power of shamanism, bringing life out of death. It is an experience that will change your identity, allowing the spirits to remake you so that you may be born anew, full of shamanic power.

Undergoing Dismemberment.

Try this exercise if you feel ready to undergo symbolic death and rebirth. Alternatively, you may prefer to leave such an experience for a later time.

1. Journey to your power animal or other spirit guides and ask for their advice.
2. If they agree to initiate dismemberment for you, listen to and follow their instructions completely.
3. There is no set pattern for dismemberment, but you body will disappear in a violent and gruesome orgy of destruction.
4. Immediately afterwards, the spirits will remake you in a more perfect form. Trust in the spirits and be willing to surrender your physical body utterly to their care.
5. When the experience is over, return to this world and spend time integrating your new form.

Notes

Find the cause of the spirits distress.

Page 133

circles represent the unbroken cycle of life page 14`

145 Divination relies upon using the non-verbal, intuitive part of the brain to recognise symbolism, which is then analysed by the brain’s logical part. The practice therefore uses both hemispheres of the brain and is far from irrational.

,…Thus divination is more akin to science than magic.


Also, another thing, something that links to why i might have seen a dot in the centre of my vision, I was reading Women Who Run With the Wolves (A fantastic book, if anyone ever wanted a recommendation). And, after describing an old story: "The three small black cinders hold a very old and interesting idea. The little black dit, or dot, is often thought of as the beginning of life. In the Old Testament when that God made First Man and First Woman, he fashioned them from the earth, dirt, mud, depending on which translation one reads. Just how much earth? No one says. But among other creation stories, the beginning of the world and of its inhabitants is often made from the dit, from one grain, one singly tiny dark dot of something" (I Put in capitals on pages: LOVE?) page 105 from Women who run with the Wolves.


I basically keep reading things that link my experience into something that makes some sort of sense. Haha.

 

[Enoon]

Osiris was also dismembered and then pieced back together. Perhaps you can make somethign out of that story as well?

It sounds like a very intense experience. This kind of thing really makes you marvel at all the ways you can feel and how it's possible to feel them all at once. I like the parallel you draw between human suffering and planetary suffering. If we all are so intricately connected, then your suffering is also my suffering, right? The suffering of every animal we mistreat is my suffering.

This feeling of being stripped of everything, your soul layed bare, is a very powerful experience and one we can learn much about ourselves in. You get to look at the very core of your being, but also at all the clutter that's around it. What are these things that weigh us down? Where are the knots that keep the energy from flowing freely? It's a great opportunity to grow.

As for the reading, keep reading. But don't get stuck to one particular metaphor. This kind of experience can have so many levels and we can find parallels with many different things and thus learn plenty, if we dig long enough. Each time you find a new way to relate to your experience you will learn a little bit more about yourself and this universe.

 

[Beyond Me]

Absolutely fantastic.

A fascinating phenomenon occurs when one is on the spice. Previous collective conditioning from our past seems to dissolve into nothing. There is an indescribable oneness that I can only describe as an entire empire, majestic large, magnanimous, aesthetically pleasing (who we think we are), being utterly destroyed and brought back to an empty space, many times over, simultaneously, quickly, and yet slowly.

The divine nature of a feminine nurturing entity that is indifferent to our opinions about life. She makes us face the unacceptable --dismemberment of whatever we hold dear-- this is done with an ineffable love. This, so that she can reveal our true self; the stage upon which life occurs.

Our opinions of life are just a constant dance of forms, nothing more, nothing less. You, and yet equally not you. The end of the dichotomy, or end of the story. Not a happily ever after, but realizing there is no after, no death. An absolutely Terrifying realization to the mind, but an incredibly liberating testament to the unending/infinite nature of the soul.

With this comes the stepping out of the millions of years of collective human conditioning, and into the never ending space of Now.

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