Hi Folks,
Seeking advice. Re-editing and flushing everything. Sorry for being so long-winded and egotistical.
50 mg: going in with the intention not to question. I do remember getting stuck in the "breathing trip" for the first time. Nemo Amicus, of course, reported that my breathing was regular and even.
Next night, 50 mg: In hyperspace and concerned about my breathing.
An hour or two later, 60 mg: This was an in-between, gray, low-ceilinged realm where there was no breathing or heartbeat and no discomfort. My awareness of the lack of breath and heartbeat were met with clinical fascination and recognition that these things are not needed in hyperspace, as there is no body.
Next Night, 55 mg: This trip picked up thematically (though not visually) where the last one left off. I became aware of issues with breathing and heartbeat.
Next night, 55 mg: This was three nights ago. I am not sure how to be concise here. I will have to leave out visual details. I was in my favorite type of breakthrough space - shiny, polished, bright, sharp-edged, screeching carrier wave, energetic, spinning, vibrational, friendly, welcoming, mystical feelings and visions setting a new standard for art and beauty in my head. Yet for all that it had to offer in beauty and fascination, this realm was impoverished in terms of information and All-One entangled connectivity. Extreme time dilation effects, lack of connectivity, impoverished content, and concern over breathng led to a panic cascade IN THE BREAKTHROUGH. I ripped myself out from behind the veil through a force of will (Amazing visuals upon opening eyes).
In the past, though fear has been a constant challenge, I have been able to completely "check fear at the breakthrough." Even the breakthrough that apparently started all of this involved no fear, more a feeling of being completely dumbfounded. The fear came later when I thought of returning.
A couple subsequent, lower-dose experiences have all been focused on "(not) breathing lessons." It seems to be slowly getting better. The last experience was very reassuring, calm and relaxed. It was a lesson in breathing slower and shallower and completely letting breathing go.
I'm not sure why my hyperspace experiences are changing/regressing and focusing on breath so much. I do know that questioning and active exploration sometimes gets me into sticky situations but it seems that when I go in not questioning I am hit with significant amnesia. I am not willing to pay that price. I would rather risk a horror show or a panic attack with sharp, precise, burned-in memories than come back with "a grin on your face" and no real memories.
I don't have the nerve at this point to increase my dose to try to completely destroy my self/ego so that there will be no me/I to get concerned or panic . . .
Hoping your winter holidays have been peaceful.
Peace & Love,
Pandora
Seeking advice. Re-editing and flushing everything. Sorry for being so long-winded and egotistical.
50 mg: going in with the intention not to question. I do remember getting stuck in the "breathing trip" for the first time. Nemo Amicus, of course, reported that my breathing was regular and even.
Next night, 50 mg: In hyperspace and concerned about my breathing.
An hour or two later, 60 mg: This was an in-between, gray, low-ceilinged realm where there was no breathing or heartbeat and no discomfort. My awareness of the lack of breath and heartbeat were met with clinical fascination and recognition that these things are not needed in hyperspace, as there is no body.
Next Night, 55 mg: This trip picked up thematically (though not visually) where the last one left off. I became aware of issues with breathing and heartbeat.
Next night, 55 mg: This was three nights ago. I am not sure how to be concise here. I will have to leave out visual details. I was in my favorite type of breakthrough space - shiny, polished, bright, sharp-edged, screeching carrier wave, energetic, spinning, vibrational, friendly, welcoming, mystical feelings and visions setting a new standard for art and beauty in my head. Yet for all that it had to offer in beauty and fascination, this realm was impoverished in terms of information and All-One entangled connectivity. Extreme time dilation effects, lack of connectivity, impoverished content, and concern over breathng led to a panic cascade IN THE BREAKTHROUGH. I ripped myself out from behind the veil through a force of will (Amazing visuals upon opening eyes).
In the past, though fear has been a constant challenge, I have been able to completely "check fear at the breakthrough." Even the breakthrough that apparently started all of this involved no fear, more a feeling of being completely dumbfounded. The fear came later when I thought of returning.
A couple subsequent, lower-dose experiences have all been focused on "(not) breathing lessons." It seems to be slowly getting better. The last experience was very reassuring, calm and relaxed. It was a lesson in breathing slower and shallower and completely letting breathing go.
I'm not sure why my hyperspace experiences are changing/regressing and focusing on breath so much. I do know that questioning and active exploration sometimes gets me into sticky situations but it seems that when I go in not questioning I am hit with significant amnesia. I am not willing to pay that price. I would rather risk a horror show or a panic attack with sharp, precise, burned-in memories than come back with "a grin on your face" and no real memories.
I don't have the nerve at this point to increase my dose to try to completely destroy my self/ego so that there will be no me/I to get concerned or panic . . .
Hoping your winter holidays have been peaceful.
Peace & Love,
Pandora
but i always come back with so much if i have no plan on coming back at all.... it kind of reminds me of an ancient japanese koan....i can't remember it verbatim, but it went something like this:
