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Piecing it together 3 years later?

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OliverJ

OliverJ

Rising Star
Hi all,

It's been a while since I've been around - I wanted to share some thoughts i've had very recently and see how this resonates with anyone here.

In 2019 I had a colossal breakthrough experience with ayahuasca at a retreat. I awoke to the room in extreme eurphoria, feeling as though some entity of pure love and peace had connected to me. I understood everything. I had no judgement. There was no good or bad. The only thing that mattered at all was love. Everything revolved around love and loving all things. Triangles were floating around in the air, everywhere. But kinda, triangles within triangles. Everyone in the room had a smokey, off white "aura". No matter how many times I closed and re-opened my eyes, the "hallucinations" remained the same. It didnt feel like I was hallucinating. It felt completely totally real. (I've done lots of psychs and very familiar with tripping. This didnt feel like that)
For 6 months or so this "love" state endured within me. I had no judgement. I didn't get angry or sad. I was incredibly measured and at peace. Eventually it faded.

I've spent the last few years not fully understanding that experience (having done ayahuasca many times since).

Fast forward to now and nn the last few months an event occured (trivial) which sent me into a mid life crisis. Towards the resolution of this crisis I began to have a fear of death. Or more specifically, a fear of nothingness. Borderline panic attack or moments of depression clouding my subconscious.

I started reading to try and answer this persisting emotion.

I read the book "Journey of souls". A book about past life regression, specifically focusing into the space between lives. For the entire book I wasn't sure if it was bollocks in honesty. I remained skeptical.
I have now just finished the book "The Crossover Experience" (An incredible read). This is a book about NDEs and the common themes within. But the bit that has kinda clicked in my head;

NDErs often feel surrounded by love during their experience
NDErs often meet a loving entity/spiritual being
NDErs often describe "spirits" and their own "bodies" as being an off white, smokey/milky colour.
NDErs often have a significant change in their perspective on life

I wanted to share this with all of you to see what your perspectives are. I am continuing my reading because I feel as though I'm on a bit of a journey right now. At this stage im starting to think that DMT/Ayahuasca breaks down the walls between material and spirit. I saw the "souls" in the people in the room. And I either came into contact with my own, or a greater spirit being during this experience which shared knowledge with me.

...OR near death experiences facilitate a similar experience to DMT/Ayahuasca.

But I feel like im leaning more towards the first of the two.

Thoughts and experiences greatly welcomed.

Thank you.
 
Both major episodes you describe fit perfectly into the description of what happens during meditative training: The all-encompassing love one is equal to reaching permanent shamata (calm-abiding) permanently off-cushion and the 2nd one is called a dark-night-of-the-soul, triggered by a major-breakthrough in perception, that is unwelcome to the subconscious and needs more processing.

Give "The Mind Illuminated" a read, especially, chapter 4 and the annex on the dark-night:

Library Genesis: Culadasa (John Yates), M. Immergut - The Mind Illuminated: A Complete Meditation Guide Integrating Buddhist Wisdom and Brain Science

Library Genesis is a scientific community targeting collection of books on natural science disciplines and engineering.
libgen.is
 
Yes, that love is whats left once the many distorsion we usually experience in our day to day are lifted or balanced. The background tune of all things, in a sense.

On the other hand we could see various manifestations of what we could call the "ego", born from different attachments, as fears such as death, nothingness, loss, etc

As 332211 suggests, this is fairly common and very much a pattern for a lot of us.
I cant comment on the fear of nothingness in particular, though that nothingness and/or everythingness seems to be a real experience some people go through, paradoxically, there needs to be something that experiences the nothing.
 
Nothingness has been at the core of one of my lines of belief for a long time now.

To be conscious in nothing for eternity is where we can learn the ability to manifest new universes. We are all the gods of our own death but only if we are stubborn enough to endure nothing for an endless span first. The only way for consciousness to be so mind numbingly creative as what we see in our universes here is if it was bored senseless in a void of nothing for eternity, surely.

Just one of my lines of belief depending on my mood. The other ones are equally unsubstantiated. I wonder if eternity of nothing but love would be any easier than eternity of nothing.
 
332211 said:
Both major episodes you describe fit perfectly into the description of what happens during meditative training: The all-encompassing love one is equal to reaching permanent shamata (calm-abiding) permanently off-cushion and the 2nd one is called a dark-night-of-the-soul, triggered by a major-breakthrough in perception, that is unwelcome to the subconscious and needs more processing.

Give "The Mind Illuminated" a read, especially, chapter 4 and the annex on the dark-night:

Library Genesis: Culadasa (John Yates), M. Immergut - The Mind Illuminated: A Complete Meditation Guide Integrating Buddhist Wisdom and Brain Science
Click to expand...

I appreciate your recommendation. Thank you for sharing.

Is it an easily accessible read? Meditation and the theory/methodology behind it has always been a curiosity of mine.

Thanks to all for your input
 
OliverJ,

Thank you so much for sharing your report and your intriguing thoughts as you continue to integrate.

I am so happy to read about the blessings Lady Aya bestowed upon you and I understand that being enmeshed in the muck of everyday reality can make some of these things wear off. The work is ongoing and never complete.

I think a lot of people will resonate with what you wrote based on their experiences with smoked or oral DMT.

Terence Mckenna was certainly of the belief that hyperspace gave us a glimpse of the other side.

Rick Strassman noted a lot of parallels between DMT breakthrough and the near death experience.

I recently came across the idea that some people actually believe that DMT should be classified as a necrotic since it makes people think about death so much.

Speaking for myself I am a person who believes there might be something to these ideas and the 2nd time I had a breakthrough it was so profound I literally shredded my 4 decades old lifetime atheist membership card.

I know some people who use DMT come out of it shaken and worried even more about death but I must say that my explorations about 14 years ago did the exact opposite for me. They basically made most of my existential concerns and fears just melt away.

This is powerful medicine.

-Pandora
 
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