Dear all,
This is from someone who isn't me, who I met in Madrid, and thought I would share. Please read and comment.
"I recently experienced Ayahuasca whilst abroad (in a country where it is legal).
I made the brew myself and boiled 200grams of dried B Caapi and 200grams of dried Psychotria viridis. It took around 6 hours, and half way through, I used a food blender to help the process along. I used vinegar and lemon to aid the extraction.
The end result was 3 shots of thick black brew.
In the evening, around 8.15pm, I took one of the shots. I lay on my bed and at some point, fell asleep. About 30/45 mins later, I woke up to an incredibly intense experience. The whole room had gone psychedelic, and geometric patterns and colors were everywhere. Green was slipping from every morphing object I could find.
The experience was pulling me in deeper and deeper beyond my control and so I staggered to the bathroom. I looked into the toilet being sick until there was no more. After the flush, even the water dropplets were forming patterns and shapes, and everything was swirling. By this time I felt I was completely loosing it and being pulled, and was trapped in this awful fear. I was loosing it and was neurotic in my behaviour: paranoid, confused, repetitive.etc
I stumbled back to my bedroom in full panic. I could not control it. I could not contain it. I was entirely at the experience mercy.
I lay on my bed and I was so overtaken that the images of the universe, geometric patterns, co lours were there regardless of whether my eyes were open or shut.
I began to feel myself die. Slowly disintegrating and watching my consciousness seep away as though I had been shot by a phaser in slow motion. I was aware of all my mistakes, my selfishness, even taking the brew without supervision and my lack of humility at it and how I would die of an overdose and did not consider before hand the consequences of those in my life. I realised how selfish I had been. How self-centred. How much of a control freak I was. And in my death experience, I saw clearly how my selfish actions and overdose would effect those in my life. The wounds, the scars, the questions. All of it.
I was swirling around drifting in and out of self-awareness, self consciousness. I no longer knew who 'I' was.
Words stopped having meaning. I would speak a sentence but half way through would simply mumble meaningless sounds (wuwuwuwu). I could no longer understand what a "Wednesday" was. I found myself saying the same word over and over as though I was stuck on loop.
I was petrified. I was scared. The experience was so terrifying that I was, on the one hand, desperate not to die, but on the other hand, wished I could die so that the experience would be over.
About 3 hrs later, I began to come around. Slowly, like in waves. I became violently sick and vomiting everywhere.
By 2am, I was conscious, back in my own body, and fully aware of my surroundings. Able to stand, talk, and walk. But I was shaken to the core.
Looking back, I need no further lessons on how stupid I had been to think that I could make the brew myself and have my first experience on my own. I came face to face with my own mortality, arrogance and flaws, but without support or any integration.
I have joined this forum because I want to talk, share, listen, and learn.
I am scared that I have damaged my brain, my personality, my emotional state.
But there is a part of me that is a little bit thankful because I have had to re-evaluate my life on a fundamental level - a rebirth, albeit a haunting one.
I cannot believe how self-centred I had been. Even embarking on this experience in ignorance and arrogance and deceit. Yet, I have been humbled, humiliated, revealed, and have found myself rebuilding from the ground up.
I don't think I will ever be able to put into words the sheer horror of my experience, the sense and feeling of dying and atomizing, and also the bitter regret at my mistakes. I began to beg and cry and fight for a second chance when I was in the throws of the experience.
I was foolish to have done what I have done. But I did it and despite my foolishness, I would value from the bottom of my heart your guidance and support as I begin the very long journey of integration.
I am not sure whether I see the world now through a darker instagram filter, or whether in fact the filter is now off. I can still laugh, cry, find meaning etc. But I am traumatised by the experience.
The only way that I can put the trauma into words is to simply say that I cannot unexperience or unsee what I experienced or saw. It is going to be with me for the rest of my life.
Thank you for reading all of this.
Yours"
This is from someone who isn't me, who I met in Madrid, and thought I would share. Please read and comment.
"I recently experienced Ayahuasca whilst abroad (in a country where it is legal).
I made the brew myself and boiled 200grams of dried B Caapi and 200grams of dried Psychotria viridis. It took around 6 hours, and half way through, I used a food blender to help the process along. I used vinegar and lemon to aid the extraction.
The end result was 3 shots of thick black brew.
In the evening, around 8.15pm, I took one of the shots. I lay on my bed and at some point, fell asleep. About 30/45 mins later, I woke up to an incredibly intense experience. The whole room had gone psychedelic, and geometric patterns and colors were everywhere. Green was slipping from every morphing object I could find.
The experience was pulling me in deeper and deeper beyond my control and so I staggered to the bathroom. I looked into the toilet being sick until there was no more. After the flush, even the water dropplets were forming patterns and shapes, and everything was swirling. By this time I felt I was completely loosing it and being pulled, and was trapped in this awful fear. I was loosing it and was neurotic in my behaviour: paranoid, confused, repetitive.etc
I stumbled back to my bedroom in full panic. I could not control it. I could not contain it. I was entirely at the experience mercy.
I lay on my bed and I was so overtaken that the images of the universe, geometric patterns, co lours were there regardless of whether my eyes were open or shut.
I began to feel myself die. Slowly disintegrating and watching my consciousness seep away as though I had been shot by a phaser in slow motion. I was aware of all my mistakes, my selfishness, even taking the brew without supervision and my lack of humility at it and how I would die of an overdose and did not consider before hand the consequences of those in my life. I realised how selfish I had been. How self-centred. How much of a control freak I was. And in my death experience, I saw clearly how my selfish actions and overdose would effect those in my life. The wounds, the scars, the questions. All of it.
I was swirling around drifting in and out of self-awareness, self consciousness. I no longer knew who 'I' was.
Words stopped having meaning. I would speak a sentence but half way through would simply mumble meaningless sounds (wuwuwuwu). I could no longer understand what a "Wednesday" was. I found myself saying the same word over and over as though I was stuck on loop.
I was petrified. I was scared. The experience was so terrifying that I was, on the one hand, desperate not to die, but on the other hand, wished I could die so that the experience would be over.
About 3 hrs later, I began to come around. Slowly, like in waves. I became violently sick and vomiting everywhere.
By 2am, I was conscious, back in my own body, and fully aware of my surroundings. Able to stand, talk, and walk. But I was shaken to the core.
Looking back, I need no further lessons on how stupid I had been to think that I could make the brew myself and have my first experience on my own. I came face to face with my own mortality, arrogance and flaws, but without support or any integration.
I have joined this forum because I want to talk, share, listen, and learn.
I am scared that I have damaged my brain, my personality, my emotional state.
But there is a part of me that is a little bit thankful because I have had to re-evaluate my life on a fundamental level - a rebirth, albeit a haunting one.
I cannot believe how self-centred I had been. Even embarking on this experience in ignorance and arrogance and deceit. Yet, I have been humbled, humiliated, revealed, and have found myself rebuilding from the ground up.
I don't think I will ever be able to put into words the sheer horror of my experience, the sense and feeling of dying and atomizing, and also the bitter regret at my mistakes. I began to beg and cry and fight for a second chance when I was in the throws of the experience.
I was foolish to have done what I have done. But I did it and despite my foolishness, I would value from the bottom of my heart your guidance and support as I begin the very long journey of integration.
I am not sure whether I see the world now through a darker instagram filter, or whether in fact the filter is now off. I can still laugh, cry, find meaning etc. But I am traumatised by the experience.
The only way that I can put the trauma into words is to simply say that I cannot unexperience or unsee what I experienced or saw. It is going to be with me for the rest of my life.
Thank you for reading all of this.
Yours"
