I present a two for one trip report. Here's two trips.
1) Prehistoric Bliss
I went to a river to take some pharma.... although if I was on dmt I would say that first sentence was ridiculous and impossible. I would say something like there is no me, no universe, no past or future, or even a present. There is only that which appears... until it doesn't. And when it stops, it is no longer..
Anyway, I went down there sometime in the afternoon. I took about 40mg, looking for a trip not nearly as strong as past trips, hoped this was a good medium. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to take dmt again because I remembered how shitty I felt when I took it the last two times, why the hell was I doing this again? Some part of me must have also remembered how good it felt as well, and how beyond anything the experience is... it's greater than the moments of discomfort, and totally worth it. The clouds looked pretty dark, like it might rain soon. I was out in the open on a rock. I wondered if maybe I shouldn't take it at all. But I had done the preparation, and I wasn’t going back out. I decided to drink, and at the exact moment I sipped, there was the first crash of thunder, a very ominous sign. A few seconds later, it began to rain. Well, it's too late to back out now. It was like the trip was picking up exactly where it left off from the last trip. The last trip ended in a thunderstorm Apocalypse!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - DMT Experiences - Welcome to the DMT-Nexus
I wanted to find somewhere to go, as I didn’t want to be tripping and worrying about a storm. I went to the shore of the river and there was a small cave just large enough for me. It was the perfect cover for a thunderstorm. But being under that cave was kind of scary as well because felt claustrophobic. It was a solid structure, but I worried the cave might collapse and my body might not even be found. Probably not the best thoughts to have when starting a trip.
So, I'm lying there in this cave in the pouring rain, wondering why I took this stuff again, and I actually hoped maybe the dmt had lost its potency and I wouldn't trip. But I noticed myself get very tired within about 10 minutes, and then my hand started twitching, I knew it was starting to take effect. Eventually I forgot about the rain and stopped worrying about the cave, and just accepted that “whatever will be, will be”. At that point the pleasant tiredness began, and thoughts began to wander. Physically, I was knocked on my ass for a while.
Soon I noticed the carrier wave. It was as if the cave itself was vibrating and making the sound. I was about to start tripping. Soon my body felt ultra light and all that existed was the dreams I was beginning to have in my head. My whole being went to my head, the inner world.
So I would start to dream, have visions, travel to other worlds within this psyche, have visions of futures and how things are playing out in the universe, and then I'd open my eyes and be like..... "oh yeah, I'm here in the cave, I’m a person, I guess I'm awake now. This is reality for now" I suppose what I'm talking about is similar to what happens when you wake up from regular sleep, except this is so much more conscious of the process. Actually, I guess I could say this increased self awareness is a lot like what dmt state is like. As if you are aware of every function of your mind... like you can somehow see thoughts coming before they're even fully there. And when the thought arises, it is instantly obliterated in to non existence, only it flows seamlessly to the next thought, the next thing that arises to fill the void of obliterated reality, flows to the next dream. And there is no end to this. I know that to say it is not it, you can only experience it or not, but this is a description I can articulate. And the realization is that this constant flowing of reality happens all the time, but we don't normally notice it.... although we could potentially if we pay attention, and are blessed with this realization.
Anyway, I'd open my eyes for a while, realize that I'm a person here in the "real world", then I'd close my eyes again and start dreaming. I went in to a brilliant fractal room with a spinning diamond in the middle, with glorious flowing yellows and blue and white. Oh the familiarity with that place. Such a thing is not seen in "normal life", yet it is so familiar. It's like those visions have inherent beauty, not needing anything or anyone to appreciate them, they are as they are, glorious and eternal on their own. And seeing such a thing just fills the being with agape. Like that sacred space is so much greater than you the person, and yet the person seeing it gives reality to it. In a sense, that space is you, and is so much greater than you, and could sacrifice you at any time and be unchanged.
Eyes open again..... oh yeah.... I guess I'm human. Hmmmm, my mind was elsewhere for a while. For a while there I thought I was a spinning diamond. Wasn't that interesting. Click. And that's when I realized that reality is constantly being altered and dying away, and reforming itself, and I have absolutely nothing to do with it, it's happening completely on its own.... yet I never really noticed so acutely. One minute I think I'm a diamond, it's so familiar, somehow real beyond real, and the next minute I'm back from waking up in my cave. Which is real? Neither. There is only what appears at the time. We never notice this because we have this thing called memory, which we believe explains everything. "Oh yeah, now I remember, I'm human. I'm a guy living here on earth and I have a job etc etc etc". I remember, I have to go to work tomorrow, and the earth formed billions of years ago and everything evolved to this moment. But the thing is we don't realize that we actually have nothing to do with that memory, just like you have nothing to do with whatever appears in front of you. You actually have no choice what you remember and what you don't remember. It's all just appearing for you. You remember something and it seems familiar to you, so you think that everything makes sense, everything is as it should be, everything can be explained because you have a concept of cause and effect. But who put that concept of cause and effect there? You didn't. The story goes, of course, I have a human body. I've always had a human body right? All I can say is that is the story that's appearing to me right now. I appear to have a human body, and it appears to have evolved because my parents had sex, and my child self grew in to this. Heh heh….but where did that familiar story come from? I didn’t will it in to existence, it appeared all on its own.
The next thing I know I'm coughing and my nose is running. Oh yeah, I remembered I've actually had a cold for the last few days and suddenly my reality is that I'm coughing. But I see this as funny, no different from waking up in a cave. I had nothing to do with the memory coming back to me that I have had a cold for 2 days. LOL!! A cold for 2 days. What a joke. As if there was ever such a thing. But, that's what was manifesting in the moment, and there's nothing I can do about it once something arises. As I heard it described recently, trying to argue with reality is like trying to change what you see on a movie screen. It's just there. Realizing this, you start to become less afraid. You start to realize you don't have any control over what manifests... you might as well just rest and enjoy the ride until it gets destroyed like everything else does. And you had no control over that realization either. It all just built up to that after billions of manifestations it finally reached a point where it was ready to say such a thing. I heard a great allegory for this letting go phenomenon by Adyashanti. He said, "the more you struggle, the field of your awareness gets narrower and narrower. As you let go of struggling, the field of your awareness gets vaster and vaster". What you once saw as a terrible enemy can transform in to something completely different if you don't struggle against it.
And there is an interesting side effect of this "resting in what is" that I discovered. I discovered that it obliterates potential realities, thus changing your world. It's like, I would see a fear starting to arise, and rather than indulge the fear, I would just realize that I have nothing to do with it, nothing I can do about it, it's not even about facing the fear, it's just realizing there's nothing I can do about it, and if it hurts me, I won't move, I'm just going to rest in this. The next moment, I would realize that the fear would be gone, and I actually had no idea what I was afraid of a moment ago, so I can't even write about what I was afraid of. It just got destroyed. And I realized that that fear could have POTENTIALLY gone on FOREVER until it was seen, really seen for what it is, not as an enemy, but as the yang in the yin. The necessary dark side, the dance of conflict and resolution. Within a few seconds, I could see a fear arise, play out over an entire lifetime, and never get resolved until it is finally looked at, finally just look at it, and say, "ok fear, come in. I mean it, come get me." And at the moment that happened, I'd realize reality just got shifted, I'm back sitting in my cave thinking about all this and I have no idea what I was just afraid of, what seemed so solid just a minute ago is gone. What was I afraid of? Something about going crazy? Something about dying? It was like I still recognized the words words crazy and dying, but they didn't have the same meaning they had just a minute ago.
It went on like this over and over for a lot of clock time. Realities popping up, new thoughts arising, then I'd just look at them, that reality would play itself out to the max, and then just fall apart in to peace, leaving me simply thrilled every time it happened. I imagined some fear about myself, though I don't remember exactly what the fear was, something about shame, being exposed, ultimately almost every fear is probably about dying in some way..... though when I really looked at this fear, it was not a terrible thing it once was. I had a really cool vision of my name in 3d letters, swirling around a fantastic orange psychedelic whirlpool soup. My name spun around in the whirlpool until it got sucked in to the black hole and then there was nothing. That was my death at the time. Just a minute before this death had been seen as something so terrible, but now it was just a cool light show. "Oh well, that was the end of me. Thanks for the ride while it lasted", I thought.
There was one dream I was having about something so beautiful. Something so divine and ethereal, flowers and peace everywhere. A very femnine presence was there. I could feel this particular dream coming to an end and my human form gaining some reality again. At that point I hoped that I would remember all the things I learned, and these dreams I was having. Then the female presence communicated with me through a field of cosmic visions and landscapes. She told me, "don't worry, even if you do forget, I am always here, and I'll always be here, waiting for you to come back. You are always welcome no matter what. This love never runs out". I realized that the very fact that I received this message meant that I would never forget. The encounter with this ever loving eternal presence was the inspiration for my avatar.
I realized something important this day, that there is power in the willingness to lose. My whole life I've been running from what I've been seeing as my fears, my enemies, my demise. But fear and loss are not actually my enemy, they are like shackles, and facing them releases to weight. It's the realization that what happens in the outer world does not NEED to bring your spirit down. The realization that your spirit will still soar even if your body or your mind gets crushed. The realization that whether you succeed or fail, you've still succeeded. Because either way, you were willing to face that ultimate fear and free yourself. And so if in fact your life was to be crushed, and you could say yes to it, that would be a tremendous expression of joy and ultimate freedom. The freedom to be a total failure, and STILL be free on the inside. At that moment I looked up at this cave I was in, and still thinking this cave could collapse on me at any time and crush me and no one would ever know I ever had these thoughts. I would never have a chance to tell anyone about this, never have a chance to thank anyone, or tell anyone I love them again, there would be no more joy, no more life, They might not even find my body. And that's.... ok. At least, this is what life COULD be like if you let it happen that way. We'll see if you're ready for it after the trip wears off. "I think I'll get out of the cave now", I thought.
So I rose from the cave, the rain had stopped by this point. I looked around at a marvellous world of wonder. It was like being born in to a new world. Like I had been sleeping in that cave for millions of years, now finally good and rested up, ready to enter this new world. The sun was even coming out. I had been to this spot many times, but I was now seeing it like never before. I had awakened in to "Candy Land" (a dmt term). By this point the trip itself was maybe about half over. I looked over the river and saw birds flying over it..... but it was like going to a sacred, primal, ancient place. Like the jurassic period or something. All kinds of life soaring throughout the world. A big crane flew by and it was like watching a pterodactyl fly by. I just watched in utter amazement as everything was so alive with joy. The rocks and the water and the cliffs, and the spiders, and the fish jumping up out of the water, oh my God it was just so beautiful.
My body was in ecstasy. I was just lying there on my stomach, moaning in ecstasy as I watched over the river. Then I'd decide I would close my eyes and visit the dream world again. I'd have visions again of familar, fantastic places and creatures. I didn't even care what I saw, whether it was scary or not. My attitude was just like, "I wonder what I'll dream this time.... oh..... I see one coming, shhhhh, quite everyone, a dream is about to start", and then it would go on. Sometimes insects, sometimes beaches, sometimes dark places, or places of joy. Then I'd wake up and look around in Candy Land for a while until I decided I wanted another round of dark dream space.
That was a beautiful thing about this dosage and this trip. After the physical discomfort wore about half hour in to the trip, I could control what I did and where I wanted to go. If I wanted to get up and walk around, I could, or if I wanted to lie down, close my eyes, and indulge in a dream, I could.... like when you're tired, you can choose to sleep, or you can make yourself stay awake if you want, but you'll feel tired. So it just continued for about 2.5-3 hours in utter awesomeness. So so so awesome!!!!!!! What a ride.
And now I go forth with my newly accquired realizations to live back in "the real world" as a more tolerant, patient, compassionate person. After what I've seen I realize if I have the choice, I might as well rest in patience instead of frustration..... because I've seen that frustration and anything else can go on forever if you indulge its reality. I might as well choose to be happy instead.
2) Unadulterated Ecstasy
I went down the river again to take a pharma trip, and what a beauty of a trip, like 5 trips in one. I got down there, and I stood on the same rock where my last trip ended, and had the sense that I had never left the place. That I had been standing there the whole time since last week, and I just dreamed the entire week. Everything was just picking up where I left off.
Anyway, I took an even smaller dose than last time, about 20g, yet the effects were no less profound, and with less of a negative body load. And this time I took 3.5g Syrian Rue instead of 3g. Maybe that made a difference.
At first I wondered if the trip was even going to work at all, I thought it might fail because I didn't take enough. I didn't feel discomfort like I usually do, nor a great drive to sleep, though I did feel like I needed to lie down, it wasn't overpowering.
I don't recall any transition period, but it was like after a while, I was just in ecstasy. Just pure ecstasy.... seeing all kinds of things, but the thing is, it was so ecstatic that I didn't even care about anything, I didn't care about remembering any of it, I didn't care what I was looking at, I was just in utter ecstasy, moaning and writhing around on the rock. My ego was mostly gone. I was just totally there immersed in these fantastic dreams and a bodily bliss that I could feel rejuvenating and loving me from the inside out. All I can say about this part of the trip, which lasted for a couple hours maybe, is that I had entered that familiar space that only makes sense when you're there, not so much when you're here. It's like that space welcomes you back. It says, "you have come home again. You never really left, but now you're home and you know it". And it's like the most beautiful dreams I've ever had keep repeating and morphing. I was in heaven. A heaven made of a dazzling darkness, with firecracker stars..... and the stars reveal different parts of the/my universal psyche as they move and morph in the infinite blackness. And when this sees itself..... it explodes with love, and the body and mind go in total ecstasy. That's the best I can describe this state. It's just like, "welcome back to the place you never left", and there's a sense that it is eternal. IT can happen without the body. The body cannot happen without IT. This intelligence of shimmering darkness.
I'd open my eyes every so often and marvel at the magnificent ancient river. The sky so alive. I started moaning continuously until it became a sort of chant. I was moaning in a very low voice until I could hear the sound of my own voice resonating in tune not only with my body, but with nature around me. I would moan until I ran out of breath, and then go for another round of deep moaning in perfect harmony with myself and with nature. It must have looked rather odd from an outside perspective. Laying there splayed out on rocks, looking backwards face up at the sky and moaning. I just rested there doing this for hours, as dreams came and went, and my body felt so good I didn't want to get up. I couldn't believe how rejuvenating this felt. I can’t underestimate how good my body felt. It was probably the best my body has ever felt, ever, it was that good. I was so surprised. I imagined a future in which dmt was legal, the health benefits of it had been realized, and I imagined maybe some day people could buy very small amounts of an oral form of dmt to help with sleep deprivation or something. Like 2mg of dmt just to help you dream and rejuvenate, but not enough to have a trip. I feel like I've slept for a week after a dmt trip. A 20-30 mg oral dose will rejuvenate the fuck out of you. I think low oral doses result in very nice relaxing states.
Anyway, after a couple hours, just enough ego started coming back so that I could start interpreting what I was looking at without just drooling in ecstasy. I’ve noticed that the deeper you go in a trip, the less recognizable the visions are. They become like formless morphing things. When ego comes back, that’s when you see relatable and understandable things.
I began to see my thoughts forming, and dying away, and morphing in to the next thought. And I was noticing something amazing. It was like every thought that I had was in perfect harmony with itself, with God, just like my voice was in harmony with myself and with nature. And as soon as a thought became in tune with itself, the thought itself exploded and transformed in to a white love. This would happen no matter what I thought about. Whether I thought about something bad or good, an enemy or a friend. They all have their place, they are all just another part of the universal psyche, and God smiles down on all of them. Every thought was in perfect harmony with "what is", and it was all exploding. I realized that "God" is always accepting of what is. The universe loves all its manifestations. It is me who is not in tune with the universal will, and this manifests as uneasiness in life, malaise, a sense that something is wrong..... but ultimately, all is right. And the only proof there could be that "all is right" is that if it has arisen, it is right. This is something that cannot be understood logically, only experienced directly. If you the person are in perfect harmony with the universal will, there will be ease, love and acceptance even when your body is threatened. You realize that no matter what happens in "the real world", it's actually quite insignificant compared to "God". The universe has already allowed everything to happen exactly as it is. There is only the question of whether you can be in harmony with what is, or not. Just as I received the message that "your whole life can be like this", God asked me, "but can you take it? We'll see...." and that's when I woke up from that dream and looked around, remembered that I have a human life, and I got up to take a whiz.
I kept my eyes open for a while, looking around at this candyland in wonder. As another hour went by, ego slowly comes back, more bodily control comes back, that sheer bodily ecstasy fades, but the trip is still going strong, still very psychedelic effects. Eventually I'd close my eyes for another round of dreaming. Now that a few hours had passed, ego had become prominent. I was sort of 60% normal, and 40% still capable of being in dmt space. This had an interesting and unexpected effect. The visualizations actually became more vivid as I was coming down and ego was returning. The reason was because there was more of a "me" to experience the things I was looking at. Suddenly I realized that seeing aliens might actually be a scary thing for me, this person. Then I actually did encounter an alien, and aliens. Some kind of parasitic worm alien with a huge eye looking right at me, and scanning me, realizing that I am looking at it, and I’m not supposed to be looking at it.. I had the sense that this alien is always inside me, always watching, and it was a bit embarrassed or surprised that now I was looking back at it. I had a sense that this alien controls me, feeds off me, takes the energy from my body and my mind. Any time I get upset about something, or excited about something, it feeds off that energy like being plugged in to an electrical socket. Now there were more than aliens, there were "elves" and gremlins. I hate to use the word elves because I just don't like that word, but I guess it's accurate. There were these elves grabbing on to the cells and nerves in my body. Any electrical impulse that went through my body, they would suck up that energy and it made them powerful. It was like they want me to get upset, to get worked up so they can have something to feed on. So these elves and aliens do their best to control my mind and body, to get me worked up so that I'll give them energy. And when these little elves absorb enough egoic energy, they turn in to monsters of extraordinary devilish power. They manifest as the addictions in life, clinging, anger and hatred and despair. But they LOVE their power. It hurts, but they're in love with that power.
This worm alien turned away from looking at me and retreated back. I saw it travelling until it reached my brain and it burrowed in to my brain. It started eating my brain and it called all its alien buddies to take shelter in my brain, rewire and eat my brain so as to attempt to keep me unaware of their presence, so they could continue to be parasites off my life energy.
I realized that I was being shown how ego works. I knew there are not actually worms and aliens in my brain, but these were merely the visual manifestations of inner fears and demons. I could see the tremendous negative energy that goes in to certain things in my life, and ultimately manifests as addiction and dislike. And what I didn't realize clearly before was that I was actually in love with negativity because it is so powerful. It is exhausting, but also very powerful and seductive. Power keeps ego alive. The only reason this was manifesting as aliens and evil elves was because I was only seeing clearly for once, and it was manifesting as symbols in the form of a parasitic alien and elves. In the real world, just like in the dream world, everything is a symbol. Everything represents another part of your psyche. Upon realizing this, I saw a big face laughing its ass off at me. It was laughing because it was seeing itself through me, and it found this hilarious. It was saying, "I can transform in to anything and anyone and it's all me, and the fact that you see it is just friggin hilarious!".
I allowed all this to pass, not taking any of it literally, just seeing it and saying yes to it. The next thing I know, I'm in space. There is nothing around except empty space and a single red light for reference. I literally felt like I had gone above the earth and was in empty space. It was a somewhat cold, empty feeling. But also a transcendent feeling, like I had gone in to a new dimension of existence. Again, I took a step back and saw the significance of this space thing. I realized that space was a symbol as well. That alien experience had shown me the dark side of my ego, and I had just taken a big step past it. Taking the step past it manifested as a new territory. I had moved something, there was a loss. The loss manifested as empty space.... a place that I am completely unfamiliar with.
Upon seeing this realization, after a few moments, fireworks starting exploding in my head. I had a feeling that my trip was nearing an end, it was starting to get dark, soon I'd have to walk out of the forest, and the trip was going to end with a bang. Literally, fireworks going psychotic in my head, everything sparking and exploding all over the place. Flowers blooming and suddenly becoming millions of flowers. I had a vision that I was overlooking the whole planet, and the planet cracked right open and from it emitted an red/orange laser of supreme power, obviously powerful enough to bust open a planet. I was that power laser. I was seeing this because of how alive and excellent I felt, and this was manifesting as an exploding world and supreme radiant light. The laser light became the whole universe, and when the perspective zoomed out a bit, the light was just one point in an eyeball. Zoom out some more and I could see that the eyeball was my eyeball, and I was waving to myself (the me seeing all this in a dream). Then a big mouth ate my entire person. Zoom out some more and I was the one who ate myself. It was like the universe was telling me, "I am immortal. I can do anything. There is no reality I cannot go to, no reality I cannot destroy. I can create and destroy anything and reappear as anything else. Size doesn't matter, it's all a matter of perspective. And no matter what happens, I am always alive and never worse for wear. You could die and I would be no less alive, the whole universe could die and I would be no less alive, the universe does not exist, only I AM".
After I ate myself, that was pretty much the end of the trip. I stood up on the rock I had been lying on, looked out over the river, and thought to myself, "did I just take a trip, or have I been standing here the whole time thinking of my own memories?" I chuckled and walked out of the forest, still euphoric. When I got out of the forest I took a walk through some parks and marvelled at the beauty of nature. When the stars came out, I had a whole new appreciation of outer space. Now I feel I can say I've actually been there.
1) Prehistoric Bliss
I went to a river to take some pharma.... although if I was on dmt I would say that first sentence was ridiculous and impossible. I would say something like there is no me, no universe, no past or future, or even a present. There is only that which appears... until it doesn't. And when it stops, it is no longer..
Anyway, I went down there sometime in the afternoon. I took about 40mg, looking for a trip not nearly as strong as past trips, hoped this was a good medium. I wasn’t even sure I wanted to take dmt again because I remembered how shitty I felt when I took it the last two times, why the hell was I doing this again? Some part of me must have also remembered how good it felt as well, and how beyond anything the experience is... it's greater than the moments of discomfort, and totally worth it. The clouds looked pretty dark, like it might rain soon. I was out in the open on a rock. I wondered if maybe I shouldn't take it at all. But I had done the preparation, and I wasn’t going back out. I decided to drink, and at the exact moment I sipped, there was the first crash of thunder, a very ominous sign. A few seconds later, it began to rain. Well, it's too late to back out now. It was like the trip was picking up exactly where it left off from the last trip. The last trip ended in a thunderstorm Apocalypse!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - DMT Experiences - Welcome to the DMT-Nexus
I wanted to find somewhere to go, as I didn’t want to be tripping and worrying about a storm. I went to the shore of the river and there was a small cave just large enough for me. It was the perfect cover for a thunderstorm. But being under that cave was kind of scary as well because felt claustrophobic. It was a solid structure, but I worried the cave might collapse and my body might not even be found. Probably not the best thoughts to have when starting a trip.
So, I'm lying there in this cave in the pouring rain, wondering why I took this stuff again, and I actually hoped maybe the dmt had lost its potency and I wouldn't trip. But I noticed myself get very tired within about 10 minutes, and then my hand started twitching, I knew it was starting to take effect. Eventually I forgot about the rain and stopped worrying about the cave, and just accepted that “whatever will be, will be”. At that point the pleasant tiredness began, and thoughts began to wander. Physically, I was knocked on my ass for a while.
Soon I noticed the carrier wave. It was as if the cave itself was vibrating and making the sound. I was about to start tripping. Soon my body felt ultra light and all that existed was the dreams I was beginning to have in my head. My whole being went to my head, the inner world.
So I would start to dream, have visions, travel to other worlds within this psyche, have visions of futures and how things are playing out in the universe, and then I'd open my eyes and be like..... "oh yeah, I'm here in the cave, I’m a person, I guess I'm awake now. This is reality for now" I suppose what I'm talking about is similar to what happens when you wake up from regular sleep, except this is so much more conscious of the process. Actually, I guess I could say this increased self awareness is a lot like what dmt state is like. As if you are aware of every function of your mind... like you can somehow see thoughts coming before they're even fully there. And when the thought arises, it is instantly obliterated in to non existence, only it flows seamlessly to the next thought, the next thing that arises to fill the void of obliterated reality, flows to the next dream. And there is no end to this. I know that to say it is not it, you can only experience it or not, but this is a description I can articulate. And the realization is that this constant flowing of reality happens all the time, but we don't normally notice it.... although we could potentially if we pay attention, and are blessed with this realization.
Anyway, I'd open my eyes for a while, realize that I'm a person here in the "real world", then I'd close my eyes again and start dreaming. I went in to a brilliant fractal room with a spinning diamond in the middle, with glorious flowing yellows and blue and white. Oh the familiarity with that place. Such a thing is not seen in "normal life", yet it is so familiar. It's like those visions have inherent beauty, not needing anything or anyone to appreciate them, they are as they are, glorious and eternal on their own. And seeing such a thing just fills the being with agape. Like that sacred space is so much greater than you the person, and yet the person seeing it gives reality to it. In a sense, that space is you, and is so much greater than you, and could sacrifice you at any time and be unchanged.
Eyes open again..... oh yeah.... I guess I'm human. Hmmmm, my mind was elsewhere for a while. For a while there I thought I was a spinning diamond. Wasn't that interesting. Click. And that's when I realized that reality is constantly being altered and dying away, and reforming itself, and I have absolutely nothing to do with it, it's happening completely on its own.... yet I never really noticed so acutely. One minute I think I'm a diamond, it's so familiar, somehow real beyond real, and the next minute I'm back from waking up in my cave. Which is real? Neither. There is only what appears at the time. We never notice this because we have this thing called memory, which we believe explains everything. "Oh yeah, now I remember, I'm human. I'm a guy living here on earth and I have a job etc etc etc". I remember, I have to go to work tomorrow, and the earth formed billions of years ago and everything evolved to this moment. But the thing is we don't realize that we actually have nothing to do with that memory, just like you have nothing to do with whatever appears in front of you. You actually have no choice what you remember and what you don't remember. It's all just appearing for you. You remember something and it seems familiar to you, so you think that everything makes sense, everything is as it should be, everything can be explained because you have a concept of cause and effect. But who put that concept of cause and effect there? You didn't. The story goes, of course, I have a human body. I've always had a human body right? All I can say is that is the story that's appearing to me right now. I appear to have a human body, and it appears to have evolved because my parents had sex, and my child self grew in to this. Heh heh….but where did that familiar story come from? I didn’t will it in to existence, it appeared all on its own.
The next thing I know I'm coughing and my nose is running. Oh yeah, I remembered I've actually had a cold for the last few days and suddenly my reality is that I'm coughing. But I see this as funny, no different from waking up in a cave. I had nothing to do with the memory coming back to me that I have had a cold for 2 days. LOL!! A cold for 2 days. What a joke. As if there was ever such a thing. But, that's what was manifesting in the moment, and there's nothing I can do about it once something arises. As I heard it described recently, trying to argue with reality is like trying to change what you see on a movie screen. It's just there. Realizing this, you start to become less afraid. You start to realize you don't have any control over what manifests... you might as well just rest and enjoy the ride until it gets destroyed like everything else does. And you had no control over that realization either. It all just built up to that after billions of manifestations it finally reached a point where it was ready to say such a thing. I heard a great allegory for this letting go phenomenon by Adyashanti. He said, "the more you struggle, the field of your awareness gets narrower and narrower. As you let go of struggling, the field of your awareness gets vaster and vaster". What you once saw as a terrible enemy can transform in to something completely different if you don't struggle against it.
And there is an interesting side effect of this "resting in what is" that I discovered. I discovered that it obliterates potential realities, thus changing your world. It's like, I would see a fear starting to arise, and rather than indulge the fear, I would just realize that I have nothing to do with it, nothing I can do about it, it's not even about facing the fear, it's just realizing there's nothing I can do about it, and if it hurts me, I won't move, I'm just going to rest in this. The next moment, I would realize that the fear would be gone, and I actually had no idea what I was afraid of a moment ago, so I can't even write about what I was afraid of. It just got destroyed. And I realized that that fear could have POTENTIALLY gone on FOREVER until it was seen, really seen for what it is, not as an enemy, but as the yang in the yin. The necessary dark side, the dance of conflict and resolution. Within a few seconds, I could see a fear arise, play out over an entire lifetime, and never get resolved until it is finally looked at, finally just look at it, and say, "ok fear, come in. I mean it, come get me." And at the moment that happened, I'd realize reality just got shifted, I'm back sitting in my cave thinking about all this and I have no idea what I was just afraid of, what seemed so solid just a minute ago is gone. What was I afraid of? Something about going crazy? Something about dying? It was like I still recognized the words words crazy and dying, but they didn't have the same meaning they had just a minute ago.
It went on like this over and over for a lot of clock time. Realities popping up, new thoughts arising, then I'd just look at them, that reality would play itself out to the max, and then just fall apart in to peace, leaving me simply thrilled every time it happened. I imagined some fear about myself, though I don't remember exactly what the fear was, something about shame, being exposed, ultimately almost every fear is probably about dying in some way..... though when I really looked at this fear, it was not a terrible thing it once was. I had a really cool vision of my name in 3d letters, swirling around a fantastic orange psychedelic whirlpool soup. My name spun around in the whirlpool until it got sucked in to the black hole and then there was nothing. That was my death at the time. Just a minute before this death had been seen as something so terrible, but now it was just a cool light show. "Oh well, that was the end of me. Thanks for the ride while it lasted", I thought.
There was one dream I was having about something so beautiful. Something so divine and ethereal, flowers and peace everywhere. A very femnine presence was there. I could feel this particular dream coming to an end and my human form gaining some reality again. At that point I hoped that I would remember all the things I learned, and these dreams I was having. Then the female presence communicated with me through a field of cosmic visions and landscapes. She told me, "don't worry, even if you do forget, I am always here, and I'll always be here, waiting for you to come back. You are always welcome no matter what. This love never runs out". I realized that the very fact that I received this message meant that I would never forget. The encounter with this ever loving eternal presence was the inspiration for my avatar.
I realized something important this day, that there is power in the willingness to lose. My whole life I've been running from what I've been seeing as my fears, my enemies, my demise. But fear and loss are not actually my enemy, they are like shackles, and facing them releases to weight. It's the realization that what happens in the outer world does not NEED to bring your spirit down. The realization that your spirit will still soar even if your body or your mind gets crushed. The realization that whether you succeed or fail, you've still succeeded. Because either way, you were willing to face that ultimate fear and free yourself. And so if in fact your life was to be crushed, and you could say yes to it, that would be a tremendous expression of joy and ultimate freedom. The freedom to be a total failure, and STILL be free on the inside. At that moment I looked up at this cave I was in, and still thinking this cave could collapse on me at any time and crush me and no one would ever know I ever had these thoughts. I would never have a chance to tell anyone about this, never have a chance to thank anyone, or tell anyone I love them again, there would be no more joy, no more life, They might not even find my body. And that's.... ok. At least, this is what life COULD be like if you let it happen that way. We'll see if you're ready for it after the trip wears off. "I think I'll get out of the cave now", I thought.
So I rose from the cave, the rain had stopped by this point. I looked around at a marvellous world of wonder. It was like being born in to a new world. Like I had been sleeping in that cave for millions of years, now finally good and rested up, ready to enter this new world. The sun was even coming out. I had been to this spot many times, but I was now seeing it like never before. I had awakened in to "Candy Land" (a dmt term). By this point the trip itself was maybe about half over. I looked over the river and saw birds flying over it..... but it was like going to a sacred, primal, ancient place. Like the jurassic period or something. All kinds of life soaring throughout the world. A big crane flew by and it was like watching a pterodactyl fly by. I just watched in utter amazement as everything was so alive with joy. The rocks and the water and the cliffs, and the spiders, and the fish jumping up out of the water, oh my God it was just so beautiful.
My body was in ecstasy. I was just lying there on my stomach, moaning in ecstasy as I watched over the river. Then I'd decide I would close my eyes and visit the dream world again. I'd have visions again of familar, fantastic places and creatures. I didn't even care what I saw, whether it was scary or not. My attitude was just like, "I wonder what I'll dream this time.... oh..... I see one coming, shhhhh, quite everyone, a dream is about to start", and then it would go on. Sometimes insects, sometimes beaches, sometimes dark places, or places of joy. Then I'd wake up and look around in Candy Land for a while until I decided I wanted another round of dark dream space.
That was a beautiful thing about this dosage and this trip. After the physical discomfort wore about half hour in to the trip, I could control what I did and where I wanted to go. If I wanted to get up and walk around, I could, or if I wanted to lie down, close my eyes, and indulge in a dream, I could.... like when you're tired, you can choose to sleep, or you can make yourself stay awake if you want, but you'll feel tired. So it just continued for about 2.5-3 hours in utter awesomeness. So so so awesome!!!!!!! What a ride.
And now I go forth with my newly accquired realizations to live back in "the real world" as a more tolerant, patient, compassionate person. After what I've seen I realize if I have the choice, I might as well rest in patience instead of frustration..... because I've seen that frustration and anything else can go on forever if you indulge its reality. I might as well choose to be happy instead.
2) Unadulterated Ecstasy
I went down the river again to take a pharma trip, and what a beauty of a trip, like 5 trips in one. I got down there, and I stood on the same rock where my last trip ended, and had the sense that I had never left the place. That I had been standing there the whole time since last week, and I just dreamed the entire week. Everything was just picking up where I left off.
Anyway, I took an even smaller dose than last time, about 20g, yet the effects were no less profound, and with less of a negative body load. And this time I took 3.5g Syrian Rue instead of 3g. Maybe that made a difference.
At first I wondered if the trip was even going to work at all, I thought it might fail because I didn't take enough. I didn't feel discomfort like I usually do, nor a great drive to sleep, though I did feel like I needed to lie down, it wasn't overpowering.
I don't recall any transition period, but it was like after a while, I was just in ecstasy. Just pure ecstasy.... seeing all kinds of things, but the thing is, it was so ecstatic that I didn't even care about anything, I didn't care about remembering any of it, I didn't care what I was looking at, I was just in utter ecstasy, moaning and writhing around on the rock. My ego was mostly gone. I was just totally there immersed in these fantastic dreams and a bodily bliss that I could feel rejuvenating and loving me from the inside out. All I can say about this part of the trip, which lasted for a couple hours maybe, is that I had entered that familiar space that only makes sense when you're there, not so much when you're here. It's like that space welcomes you back. It says, "you have come home again. You never really left, but now you're home and you know it". And it's like the most beautiful dreams I've ever had keep repeating and morphing. I was in heaven. A heaven made of a dazzling darkness, with firecracker stars..... and the stars reveal different parts of the/my universal psyche as they move and morph in the infinite blackness. And when this sees itself..... it explodes with love, and the body and mind go in total ecstasy. That's the best I can describe this state. It's just like, "welcome back to the place you never left", and there's a sense that it is eternal. IT can happen without the body. The body cannot happen without IT. This intelligence of shimmering darkness.
I'd open my eyes every so often and marvel at the magnificent ancient river. The sky so alive. I started moaning continuously until it became a sort of chant. I was moaning in a very low voice until I could hear the sound of my own voice resonating in tune not only with my body, but with nature around me. I would moan until I ran out of breath, and then go for another round of deep moaning in perfect harmony with myself and with nature. It must have looked rather odd from an outside perspective. Laying there splayed out on rocks, looking backwards face up at the sky and moaning. I just rested there doing this for hours, as dreams came and went, and my body felt so good I didn't want to get up. I couldn't believe how rejuvenating this felt. I can’t underestimate how good my body felt. It was probably the best my body has ever felt, ever, it was that good. I was so surprised. I imagined a future in which dmt was legal, the health benefits of it had been realized, and I imagined maybe some day people could buy very small amounts of an oral form of dmt to help with sleep deprivation or something. Like 2mg of dmt just to help you dream and rejuvenate, but not enough to have a trip. I feel like I've slept for a week after a dmt trip. A 20-30 mg oral dose will rejuvenate the fuck out of you. I think low oral doses result in very nice relaxing states.
Anyway, after a couple hours, just enough ego started coming back so that I could start interpreting what I was looking at without just drooling in ecstasy. I’ve noticed that the deeper you go in a trip, the less recognizable the visions are. They become like formless morphing things. When ego comes back, that’s when you see relatable and understandable things.
I began to see my thoughts forming, and dying away, and morphing in to the next thought. And I was noticing something amazing. It was like every thought that I had was in perfect harmony with itself, with God, just like my voice was in harmony with myself and with nature. And as soon as a thought became in tune with itself, the thought itself exploded and transformed in to a white love. This would happen no matter what I thought about. Whether I thought about something bad or good, an enemy or a friend. They all have their place, they are all just another part of the universal psyche, and God smiles down on all of them. Every thought was in perfect harmony with "what is", and it was all exploding. I realized that "God" is always accepting of what is. The universe loves all its manifestations. It is me who is not in tune with the universal will, and this manifests as uneasiness in life, malaise, a sense that something is wrong..... but ultimately, all is right. And the only proof there could be that "all is right" is that if it has arisen, it is right. This is something that cannot be understood logically, only experienced directly. If you the person are in perfect harmony with the universal will, there will be ease, love and acceptance even when your body is threatened. You realize that no matter what happens in "the real world", it's actually quite insignificant compared to "God". The universe has already allowed everything to happen exactly as it is. There is only the question of whether you can be in harmony with what is, or not. Just as I received the message that "your whole life can be like this", God asked me, "but can you take it? We'll see...." and that's when I woke up from that dream and looked around, remembered that I have a human life, and I got up to take a whiz.
I kept my eyes open for a while, looking around at this candyland in wonder. As another hour went by, ego slowly comes back, more bodily control comes back, that sheer bodily ecstasy fades, but the trip is still going strong, still very psychedelic effects. Eventually I'd close my eyes for another round of dreaming. Now that a few hours had passed, ego had become prominent. I was sort of 60% normal, and 40% still capable of being in dmt space. This had an interesting and unexpected effect. The visualizations actually became more vivid as I was coming down and ego was returning. The reason was because there was more of a "me" to experience the things I was looking at. Suddenly I realized that seeing aliens might actually be a scary thing for me, this person. Then I actually did encounter an alien, and aliens. Some kind of parasitic worm alien with a huge eye looking right at me, and scanning me, realizing that I am looking at it, and I’m not supposed to be looking at it.. I had the sense that this alien is always inside me, always watching, and it was a bit embarrassed or surprised that now I was looking back at it. I had a sense that this alien controls me, feeds off me, takes the energy from my body and my mind. Any time I get upset about something, or excited about something, it feeds off that energy like being plugged in to an electrical socket. Now there were more than aliens, there were "elves" and gremlins. I hate to use the word elves because I just don't like that word, but I guess it's accurate. There were these elves grabbing on to the cells and nerves in my body. Any electrical impulse that went through my body, they would suck up that energy and it made them powerful. It was like they want me to get upset, to get worked up so they can have something to feed on. So these elves and aliens do their best to control my mind and body, to get me worked up so that I'll give them energy. And when these little elves absorb enough egoic energy, they turn in to monsters of extraordinary devilish power. They manifest as the addictions in life, clinging, anger and hatred and despair. But they LOVE their power. It hurts, but they're in love with that power.
This worm alien turned away from looking at me and retreated back. I saw it travelling until it reached my brain and it burrowed in to my brain. It started eating my brain and it called all its alien buddies to take shelter in my brain, rewire and eat my brain so as to attempt to keep me unaware of their presence, so they could continue to be parasites off my life energy.
I realized that I was being shown how ego works. I knew there are not actually worms and aliens in my brain, but these were merely the visual manifestations of inner fears and demons. I could see the tremendous negative energy that goes in to certain things in my life, and ultimately manifests as addiction and dislike. And what I didn't realize clearly before was that I was actually in love with negativity because it is so powerful. It is exhausting, but also very powerful and seductive. Power keeps ego alive. The only reason this was manifesting as aliens and evil elves was because I was only seeing clearly for once, and it was manifesting as symbols in the form of a parasitic alien and elves. In the real world, just like in the dream world, everything is a symbol. Everything represents another part of your psyche. Upon realizing this, I saw a big face laughing its ass off at me. It was laughing because it was seeing itself through me, and it found this hilarious. It was saying, "I can transform in to anything and anyone and it's all me, and the fact that you see it is just friggin hilarious!".
I allowed all this to pass, not taking any of it literally, just seeing it and saying yes to it. The next thing I know, I'm in space. There is nothing around except empty space and a single red light for reference. I literally felt like I had gone above the earth and was in empty space. It was a somewhat cold, empty feeling. But also a transcendent feeling, like I had gone in to a new dimension of existence. Again, I took a step back and saw the significance of this space thing. I realized that space was a symbol as well. That alien experience had shown me the dark side of my ego, and I had just taken a big step past it. Taking the step past it manifested as a new territory. I had moved something, there was a loss. The loss manifested as empty space.... a place that I am completely unfamiliar with.
Upon seeing this realization, after a few moments, fireworks starting exploding in my head. I had a feeling that my trip was nearing an end, it was starting to get dark, soon I'd have to walk out of the forest, and the trip was going to end with a bang. Literally, fireworks going psychotic in my head, everything sparking and exploding all over the place. Flowers blooming and suddenly becoming millions of flowers. I had a vision that I was overlooking the whole planet, and the planet cracked right open and from it emitted an red/orange laser of supreme power, obviously powerful enough to bust open a planet. I was that power laser. I was seeing this because of how alive and excellent I felt, and this was manifesting as an exploding world and supreme radiant light. The laser light became the whole universe, and when the perspective zoomed out a bit, the light was just one point in an eyeball. Zoom out some more and I could see that the eyeball was my eyeball, and I was waving to myself (the me seeing all this in a dream). Then a big mouth ate my entire person. Zoom out some more and I was the one who ate myself. It was like the universe was telling me, "I am immortal. I can do anything. There is no reality I cannot go to, no reality I cannot destroy. I can create and destroy anything and reappear as anything else. Size doesn't matter, it's all a matter of perspective. And no matter what happens, I am always alive and never worse for wear. You could die and I would be no less alive, the whole universe could die and I would be no less alive, the universe does not exist, only I AM".
After I ate myself, that was pretty much the end of the trip. I stood up on the rock I had been lying on, looked out over the river, and thought to myself, "did I just take a trip, or have I been standing here the whole time thinking of my own memories?" I chuckled and walked out of the forest, still euphoric. When I got out of the forest I took a walk through some parks and marvelled at the beauty of nature. When the stars came out, I had a whole new appreciation of outer space. Now I feel I can say I've actually been there.
The more we share our subjective experiences, the more we understand what’s objectively going on.
