ControlledChaos
Nature is analog, ever flowing and continuous.
Last night, I had a trip with psilocybin mushrooms that truly taught me a lesson about choosing the correct setting and preparing my space for the trip. I had a decent mindset going in but I also believed that a good set could deter any setting issues. Boy was I wrong. The issue is that it was a set where if I was caught I could have ended up in serious trouble. I thought from my lower dose experiences that this wasn't a big deal, but this time I took a heroic dose. The issue was that I could not attend to my bodily needs (taking a pee, maybe throwing up, getting water, walking around a little bit) without attracting attention to myself. Due to the inability to attend to these needs I got completely overcame with discomfort and there was nothing I could do about it because I would have gotten caught. I got dehydrated and began thinking I was burning because I felt so hot. I thought there were things wrong with my spine, and various other physical health panics ensued. I believe all of this could have been avoided had I been in a setting where I could attend to all my needs properly.
All this being said, this trip wasn't without its euphoric moments and insights into myself. I feel like these more meaningful parts could have been extended had I been in a better setting. I felt myself being stripped down to a little kid, stripped down to just a primate even. I realized that my entire life I've always been a really curious person, always looking for new information be it in a fictional world or a real world. I always just loved learning and immersing myself into interests and other worlds. See, when I was a small child I wasn't that interested in other children but I'd spend a lot of my time on the Nintendo 64, in particular Zelda ocarina of time. During my trip even during moments of discomfort I'd keep getting random flashes of images and music from that game. I realized that this world from a video game somehow got deeply ingrained into my psyche because I played it so much as a little kid and the impression of it stuck deeply in my mind.
I'm not quite sure what the implications of such a thing being part of who I am, but I'd guess it is part of why I've always been so fascinated with fantasy, horror, sci Fi, psychedelia, the occult, philosophy, psychology, and other esoteric things. Perhaps the randomness and creativity in that odd universe of that game ignited an insatiable thirst for "the weird" into me. Stuff like coast to coast fm, unsolved mysteries, and ultimately- magic mushrooms and DMT. So in a way the same trail that led me to the mushroom started with that game, as odd as it is.
But there's another more unfortunate aspect to this realization. I remembered all the times the people around me would mock me and bully me for my curiousity. They would tell me I'm beginning to become a problem, that I was addicted and obsessed. That somehow I was wrong for diving deeply into my interests that brought me comfort and happiness. My whole life it's been a struggle just doing the things I enjoy... And it ties right into that environment I was in where I would be punished for merely eating a mushroom and exploring my mind. And it just filled me with sadness because I just wish people would just let me be myself and have my interests and let me be curious because it's who I am and no amount of bullying is going through change that.
Ultimately this trip was a tough experience but it absolutely did not make me scared to take the mushroom again. I plan to try again in two weeks in a good setting where I can attend to any physical needs and bring water and be in an environment where I'm either accepted for my tripping or just alone where nobody will bother me. While intensely uncomfortable, this time brought me closer to the core of who I am and so I'm grateful for the mushroom doing this. I feel like a few years ago when I was taking Adderall I really lost part of myself. I ditched the nasty stuff a few months ago and began taking psychedelics and I feel my true self slowly coming back to me.
Thanks for reading this. This one was particularly important to put into writing. Thank you for your time.
All this being said, this trip wasn't without its euphoric moments and insights into myself. I feel like these more meaningful parts could have been extended had I been in a better setting. I felt myself being stripped down to a little kid, stripped down to just a primate even. I realized that my entire life I've always been a really curious person, always looking for new information be it in a fictional world or a real world. I always just loved learning and immersing myself into interests and other worlds. See, when I was a small child I wasn't that interested in other children but I'd spend a lot of my time on the Nintendo 64, in particular Zelda ocarina of time. During my trip even during moments of discomfort I'd keep getting random flashes of images and music from that game. I realized that this world from a video game somehow got deeply ingrained into my psyche because I played it so much as a little kid and the impression of it stuck deeply in my mind.
I'm not quite sure what the implications of such a thing being part of who I am, but I'd guess it is part of why I've always been so fascinated with fantasy, horror, sci Fi, psychedelia, the occult, philosophy, psychology, and other esoteric things. Perhaps the randomness and creativity in that odd universe of that game ignited an insatiable thirst for "the weird" into me. Stuff like coast to coast fm, unsolved mysteries, and ultimately- magic mushrooms and DMT. So in a way the same trail that led me to the mushroom started with that game, as odd as it is.
But there's another more unfortunate aspect to this realization. I remembered all the times the people around me would mock me and bully me for my curiousity. They would tell me I'm beginning to become a problem, that I was addicted and obsessed. That somehow I was wrong for diving deeply into my interests that brought me comfort and happiness. My whole life it's been a struggle just doing the things I enjoy... And it ties right into that environment I was in where I would be punished for merely eating a mushroom and exploring my mind. And it just filled me with sadness because I just wish people would just let me be myself and have my interests and let me be curious because it's who I am and no amount of bullying is going through change that.
Ultimately this trip was a tough experience but it absolutely did not make me scared to take the mushroom again. I plan to try again in two weeks in a good setting where I can attend to any physical needs and bring water and be in an environment where I'm either accepted for my tripping or just alone where nobody will bother me. While intensely uncomfortable, this time brought me closer to the core of who I am and so I'm grateful for the mushroom doing this. I feel like a few years ago when I was taking Adderall I really lost part of myself. I ditched the nasty stuff a few months ago and began taking psychedelics and I feel my true self slowly coming back to me.
Thanks for reading this. This one was particularly important to put into writing. Thank you for your time.
:lol:
