// sorry for my language, writing past sentenses was always my bad side of english, I hope you will understand my message.
I will begin with start and go straight with the time that passed until this moment.
Big part of my life I have spent on computer isolated from people, I was with myself really long time, went deep down into psychology and not only, I've been reading everything that has value. After then I moved to UK, used to smoke weed day by day so it was making some kind of a cage that my brain was hidden in and did not care about good or bad things that happens.
About 1 year ago I was in cocaine for couple weeks but I stopped so weed also, then I did gym and lost about 12kg, one day I smoked weed again and went back to my old lifestyle.
One day I tried LSD and had badtrip, I think I saw there things that I was sometimes afraid but I didn't know why I am even afraid of it because those was not my problems at all (I guess).
One day I tried amphetamine, then again after 2 weeks, then again after 1 week, after 4 days, after 3 days, after 2 days and then sometimes two days in a row. Did not go to work, my business on eBay got ruined and I was depressed as fuck, totally there was no point in my life.
Then I tried LSD again, I did it only for my psychological purpouses, maybe 2-3 times for fun but mostly I was amazed about our brain.
So I was into amphetamine and weed - one day I decided to go DMT and I don't really know why, once I just saw in my mind that this is what I am going to do next and did not even thinked about it long, which is not normal because I knew this is strong psychodelic, really really strong but that move was just normal thing for me for no reason.
Finally I had DMT so then I started to read but I haven't read much, I just wanted to try.
I took pure DMT, around ~40mg and smoked thru pipe. I am sure it was very noob way and can't say how much I really smoked as I did not even kept smoke in my loungs long enough.
Room became totally blue but that blue was more blue than blue, it was perfect blue and room was still the room but it has perfect geometry in it, everything looked the same, I could stand and watch it, there were no fractals or other things, that was first time I understood how perfect Universe is, how my room is perfectly made and I don't mean way of making room but walls were for me like a mattery which is geometric and blue.
Then I went to my bad, closed eyes and literally went up there, never seen anything that perfect, couldn't even feel body as I wasn't in there I think... I know I was not in body, I just was there.
After this I have changed a little but not that much, I still smoked weed but amphetamine very rarely.
Pure DMT was over so decided I will get Changa 50/50 (with IMAO).
This is the moment where everything started
First of all I had no wage, I wanted to try a little for first time but... well it must be really lightweight because after trip I assumed that I took about 150mg Changa straight from Bong and kept in my loungs until... I went totally nuts.
Imagine picture that you see now with your eyes, imagine this is made of color paint and then in one second you mix it like crazy, totally lost my ability to see anything (music was playing, when Changa hitted music just disappeared so couldn't hear anything. I could open eyes and close it and seen same thing. The bigger problem was my mind - I was inside my body and I've been watching how my brain is trying to fight with it, inside my body I was actually calm and I knew I will be okay, but after 2 seconds brain started to panic and then I started to be calm back again and brain started to panic again. I was now in some VERY CRAZY loop, wasn't thinking I will die but It will lasts forever.
I felt I lost all my teeth and was pretty sure about it (my toung didn't work or it's because of my problem with the hole in one of my tooth that I haven't solved). I literally was in cinema watching how my brain is going insane, just sitting in my body and really wanting to get into that other dimension but mind was blocking it, I was feeling that I go there and then my mind did not allowed me to do this.
Trip was over, after one day I tried again but with REALLY REALLY low dosage and then I could see everything very good with my eyes but my mind was going to the loop again, exactly same loop - on this dosage I couldn't get to that higher place, that was very small dosage and still I had same loop that scared me.
I sitted on my chair, looked on light in my room and something changed inside me. Looked on my room that was not in best condition (no good set&settings) and it was like being hitted by airplane - if room looks bad then life will look the same, if I will not carry enough about anything in my life it will reflect on my mind in all possible ways, that was so freaking genious and still SO CLEAR, that was too easy to even describe it to anyone because it is simply too freaking easy to mention - like speaking with fish about water... "what water?"
Since then I stopped Changa, it is still with me and I am scared to try it (never had such thing with anything starting with food ending with drugs and anything else)
WHAT THEN? I stopped amphetamine, stopped weed that I used to smoke over 8 years.
I was thinking this is really good progress but OH MY GOD. For some reason I naturally started to live NOW, never thinked what does it mean and never tried to understand but for some reason I just started to watch and my own universe just got back all colours again that I was feeling when I was child.
MY DEPRESSION IS GONE TOTALLY, PEOPLE CAN'T RECOGNISE ME.
I walk on streets and I AM, everyone became in one moment like totally new people. I started to do everything from my heart/soul, I don't think I just feel and I act what I feel and what?
My best friend that was love into for looooong time and we broke our friendship (i did) some time ago... I just stopped to love her from my ego, I can speak with her about her relationship with totally no problem and be really truly happy with her... so she is starting to flirt with me and talk about dirty things that never did before. But I know that I will listen to my soul, she is not for me and I think she is getting more and more wet when she see how drasticly I have changed.
My business is still ruined because of previous drugs I did take and I am fucking the happiest person on earth literally, my eyes changed, everything started to be for me. With so small thing I reached SO MUCH and it's giving me everything all time because I give back my love just like that, total expession.
My question is - why did I get those loops, why with so small dosage I was still in that strange loop where I am okay and then brain goes insane for some reason.
I still want to work on myself but I am scared of Changa right now, scared of that loop which is like some kind of psychozy.
// Maybe important to mention - I did LSD 2-3 times more after it only for my own inside purpouses and for understanding brain and creativity that I have. In one moment on 100ug dosage I was laying on my bad and 3-4 times I was like scared that I am in my body, I mean I felt like I am locked in cage and that freaked me out - I just started to think about it, then was getting really scared so I immidiately focused on anything else to don't think that way.
Maybe it's because I did it like 1-2 days after Changa? My last smoking was about 3 weeks ago, after couple days passed I never had such problem anymore. Maybe worth to mention I don't know.
So question is about the loops and to be honest I don't know what I want to ask, I wrote it all because maybe I will get answer for question that I don't know about?
Thank you!
I will begin with start and go straight with the time that passed until this moment.
Big part of my life I have spent on computer isolated from people, I was with myself really long time, went deep down into psychology and not only, I've been reading everything that has value. After then I moved to UK, used to smoke weed day by day so it was making some kind of a cage that my brain was hidden in and did not care about good or bad things that happens.
About 1 year ago I was in cocaine for couple weeks but I stopped so weed also, then I did gym and lost about 12kg, one day I smoked weed again and went back to my old lifestyle.
One day I tried LSD and had badtrip, I think I saw there things that I was sometimes afraid but I didn't know why I am even afraid of it because those was not my problems at all (I guess).
One day I tried amphetamine, then again after 2 weeks, then again after 1 week, after 4 days, after 3 days, after 2 days and then sometimes two days in a row. Did not go to work, my business on eBay got ruined and I was depressed as fuck, totally there was no point in my life.
Then I tried LSD again, I did it only for my psychological purpouses, maybe 2-3 times for fun but mostly I was amazed about our brain.
So I was into amphetamine and weed - one day I decided to go DMT and I don't really know why, once I just saw in my mind that this is what I am going to do next and did not even thinked about it long, which is not normal because I knew this is strong psychodelic, really really strong but that move was just normal thing for me for no reason.
Finally I had DMT so then I started to read but I haven't read much, I just wanted to try.
I took pure DMT, around ~40mg and smoked thru pipe. I am sure it was very noob way and can't say how much I really smoked as I did not even kept smoke in my loungs long enough.
Room became totally blue but that blue was more blue than blue, it was perfect blue and room was still the room but it has perfect geometry in it, everything looked the same, I could stand and watch it, there were no fractals or other things, that was first time I understood how perfect Universe is, how my room is perfectly made and I don't mean way of making room but walls were for me like a mattery which is geometric and blue.
Then I went to my bad, closed eyes and literally went up there, never seen anything that perfect, couldn't even feel body as I wasn't in there I think... I know I was not in body, I just was there.
After this I have changed a little but not that much, I still smoked weed but amphetamine very rarely.
Pure DMT was over so decided I will get Changa 50/50 (with IMAO).
This is the moment where everything started
First of all I had no wage, I wanted to try a little for first time but... well it must be really lightweight because after trip I assumed that I took about 150mg Changa straight from Bong and kept in my loungs until... I went totally nuts.
Imagine picture that you see now with your eyes, imagine this is made of color paint and then in one second you mix it like crazy, totally lost my ability to see anything (music was playing, when Changa hitted music just disappeared so couldn't hear anything. I could open eyes and close it and seen same thing. The bigger problem was my mind - I was inside my body and I've been watching how my brain is trying to fight with it, inside my body I was actually calm and I knew I will be okay, but after 2 seconds brain started to panic and then I started to be calm back again and brain started to panic again. I was now in some VERY CRAZY loop, wasn't thinking I will die but It will lasts forever.
I felt I lost all my teeth and was pretty sure about it (my toung didn't work or it's because of my problem with the hole in one of my tooth that I haven't solved). I literally was in cinema watching how my brain is going insane, just sitting in my body and really wanting to get into that other dimension but mind was blocking it, I was feeling that I go there and then my mind did not allowed me to do this.
Trip was over, after one day I tried again but with REALLY REALLY low dosage and then I could see everything very good with my eyes but my mind was going to the loop again, exactly same loop - on this dosage I couldn't get to that higher place, that was very small dosage and still I had same loop that scared me.
I sitted on my chair, looked on light in my room and something changed inside me. Looked on my room that was not in best condition (no good set&settings) and it was like being hitted by airplane - if room looks bad then life will look the same, if I will not carry enough about anything in my life it will reflect on my mind in all possible ways, that was so freaking genious and still SO CLEAR, that was too easy to even describe it to anyone because it is simply too freaking easy to mention - like speaking with fish about water... "what water?"
Since then I stopped Changa, it is still with me and I am scared to try it (never had such thing with anything starting with food ending with drugs and anything else)
WHAT THEN? I stopped amphetamine, stopped weed that I used to smoke over 8 years.
I was thinking this is really good progress but OH MY GOD. For some reason I naturally started to live NOW, never thinked what does it mean and never tried to understand but for some reason I just started to watch and my own universe just got back all colours again that I was feeling when I was child.
MY DEPRESSION IS GONE TOTALLY, PEOPLE CAN'T RECOGNISE ME.
I walk on streets and I AM, everyone became in one moment like totally new people. I started to do everything from my heart/soul, I don't think I just feel and I act what I feel and what?
My best friend that was love into for looooong time and we broke our friendship (i did) some time ago... I just stopped to love her from my ego, I can speak with her about her relationship with totally no problem and be really truly happy with her... so she is starting to flirt with me and talk about dirty things that never did before. But I know that I will listen to my soul, she is not for me and I think she is getting more and more wet when she see how drasticly I have changed.
My business is still ruined because of previous drugs I did take and I am fucking the happiest person on earth literally, my eyes changed, everything started to be for me. With so small thing I reached SO MUCH and it's giving me everything all time because I give back my love just like that, total expession.
My question is - why did I get those loops, why with so small dosage I was still in that strange loop where I am okay and then brain goes insane for some reason.
I still want to work on myself but I am scared of Changa right now, scared of that loop which is like some kind of psychozy.
// Maybe important to mention - I did LSD 2-3 times more after it only for my own inside purpouses and for understanding brain and creativity that I have. In one moment on 100ug dosage I was laying on my bad and 3-4 times I was like scared that I am in my body, I mean I felt like I am locked in cage and that freaked me out - I just started to think about it, then was getting really scared so I immidiately focused on anything else to don't think that way.
Maybe it's because I did it like 1-2 days after Changa? My last smoking was about 3 weeks ago, after couple days passed I never had such problem anymore. Maybe worth to mention I don't know.
So question is about the loops and to be honest I don't know what I want to ask, I wrote it all because maybe I will get answer for question that I don't know about?
Thank you!
