I have been experiencing a massive tidal wave of internal resettling. A churning of my own seas. I wanted to write a little something to help myself digest, decompress, and look at my own thoughts. I also thought perhaps someone could gain something, if only a little encouragement, from sharing my current experiences.
This current psychophysical weather system had its seeds watered about a month ago. I had a pair of DMT experiences, followed by a mild (2g cubensis) psilocybin experience, in which the peak vision/message was essentially the same for all three experience: “live your life and love it. The Supreme Being has become you to enjoy loving your family and being you. You are the thing you are seeking. Quit trying so hard.”
It is not a common occurrence for me to have such similar peaks across experiences, let alone across multiple substances. It’s obvious to me this is a difficult message for me/my ego to swallow and above all, to practice.
An important detail about myself as a character in life is that I feel driven to work. I often delude myself into working through my leisure time under the guise of pursuing interests, or passions, or otherwise, and trick myself into working even harder at home than I do on the clock at work. Whether it is on a creative pursuit, a personal project, the cultivation or extraction of a plant medicine, or otherwise… on top of being a father, I keep myself preoccupied. (Obviously) too much so.
Despite being encouraged and feeling a bit more connected, I seem to have gone the other direction. While still making sense of this series of experiences in a way that feels good in my daily life, I fell ill with the flu. I went down bad and missed a week of work. There’s nothing quite as punishing for a workaholic like myself then to be down with the sickness, and therefore excused from my daily work obligations, but equally unable to work on any passion-driven project at home. A truly forced period of rest.
The flu is obviously not a fun experience in and of itself. The discomfort of the illness seemed secondary to the metaphysical discomfort of forced inactivity, however. Even writing this out to share my experience, I can see clearly the ways in which I spent precious energy fighting against the current of my life, which at present is one of easing up, resting, and slowing down. Fighting against the current of our experiences is a foolish endeavor that entheogens do well to advise us against. Clearly I needed some more practical experience hahahaha.
Leading up to this chain of experiences, and including the 3 Entheogenic experiences I reported on above, my attitude going in to my doses has been structured and goal-oriented. My intentions have been wholesome, but an undeniable desire to gather something, learn something, grow in someway…. Once again I am being asked to revisit the lesson that having goals and an ideal help us stay steered in the right direction, but focusing on the destination or the dream too heavily causes us to miss the beauty of the path, causes us to stop enjoying our steps.
This whole week, I’ve been back at work and healthy enough to function normally, but still recovering from my illness, and still intensely flustered and frustrated at my own lack of energy. It has stifled both my creative endeavors as well as my psychedelic explorations. It’s time for me to bow gracefully and tune in to the rhythm of the dance.
This is my cosmic signal to slow down and stop striving. I have what I want. I am the goal I am seeking through my hard work. The trials and tribulations of my life are only waves. Blessings wear fun disguises. Perhaps this period of forced inactivity will help me break the cycle of working myself away from my natural state of peace. Perhaps being unable to strive for a little will help me realize the futility of striving at all. Perhaps the deepest peace of my life is just around the corner….
Thanks for reading
Sv
This current psychophysical weather system had its seeds watered about a month ago. I had a pair of DMT experiences, followed by a mild (2g cubensis) psilocybin experience, in which the peak vision/message was essentially the same for all three experience: “live your life and love it. The Supreme Being has become you to enjoy loving your family and being you. You are the thing you are seeking. Quit trying so hard.”
It is not a common occurrence for me to have such similar peaks across experiences, let alone across multiple substances. It’s obvious to me this is a difficult message for me/my ego to swallow and above all, to practice.
An important detail about myself as a character in life is that I feel driven to work. I often delude myself into working through my leisure time under the guise of pursuing interests, or passions, or otherwise, and trick myself into working even harder at home than I do on the clock at work. Whether it is on a creative pursuit, a personal project, the cultivation or extraction of a plant medicine, or otherwise… on top of being a father, I keep myself preoccupied. (Obviously) too much so.
Despite being encouraged and feeling a bit more connected, I seem to have gone the other direction. While still making sense of this series of experiences in a way that feels good in my daily life, I fell ill with the flu. I went down bad and missed a week of work. There’s nothing quite as punishing for a workaholic like myself then to be down with the sickness, and therefore excused from my daily work obligations, but equally unable to work on any passion-driven project at home. A truly forced period of rest.
The flu is obviously not a fun experience in and of itself. The discomfort of the illness seemed secondary to the metaphysical discomfort of forced inactivity, however. Even writing this out to share my experience, I can see clearly the ways in which I spent precious energy fighting against the current of my life, which at present is one of easing up, resting, and slowing down. Fighting against the current of our experiences is a foolish endeavor that entheogens do well to advise us against. Clearly I needed some more practical experience hahahaha.
Leading up to this chain of experiences, and including the 3 Entheogenic experiences I reported on above, my attitude going in to my doses has been structured and goal-oriented. My intentions have been wholesome, but an undeniable desire to gather something, learn something, grow in someway…. Once again I am being asked to revisit the lesson that having goals and an ideal help us stay steered in the right direction, but focusing on the destination or the dream too heavily causes us to miss the beauty of the path, causes us to stop enjoying our steps.
This whole week, I’ve been back at work and healthy enough to function normally, but still recovering from my illness, and still intensely flustered and frustrated at my own lack of energy. It has stifled both my creative endeavors as well as my psychedelic explorations. It’s time for me to bow gracefully and tune in to the rhythm of the dance.
This is my cosmic signal to slow down and stop striving. I have what I want. I am the goal I am seeking through my hard work. The trials and tribulations of my life are only waves. Blessings wear fun disguises. Perhaps this period of forced inactivity will help me break the cycle of working myself away from my natural state of peace. Perhaps being unable to strive for a little will help me realize the futility of striving at all. Perhaps the deepest peace of my life is just around the corner….
Thanks for reading
Sv