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Reflection after doing MDMA for the first time

S

seviiwiz

Rising Star
Last weekend, I went to Resonate 2025 in Suwanee, Florida. This was a major social skill curve because prior, I had never been to anything bigger than a local cosplay con with a few close childhood friends. I've been autistic all my life, so being social with large groups of new people has always been difficult. My brain has always been elsewhere. I can socialize and get along with "normal" people on the surface well enough (Most of the jobs I've had up until now were customer service oriented) but there's always a lack of depth, like we can be happy together but we'll always be separated, because eventually they'll "find out" that I'm different and that I have all these insecurities and difficulties. I've always had to mask and hold back in a sense, pretend that our brains work the same. It had been so long since I felt any genuine meaningful connection. Over time I realized that I was more social and fun to be around while high. As I discovered psychedelics and that there really were people like me out there who are "weird" and do "unusual things" like have expression and tone issues or lack of social awareness, I was overwhelmed that I'd be able to make friends again. So I did.

At this festival (we planned to camp there for the entire weekend) I had met hundreds, and what felt like millions of people who all had the same message strewn across their faces; "NOBODY CARES! BE FREE! YOU ARE LOVED". It was amazing. Literally every single person I approached lit up like fireworks whenever I worked up the confidence to speak. No more stuttering, no more loss of emotion or facial expression, no flat affect, no judgement. I felt like I was flying, like I could fall completely in love with every soul I met. I felt confident, like I could be friends with whatever I wanted. Everyone was on the same drugs, everyone was on the same wavelength. Not once did I leave a conversation thinking that they 100% are thinking about me behind my back. At this festival, I had around 1000~ug of acid, a bowl between every few sets and an unknown amount of tested and clean MDMA throughout that weekend.

I could probably write a small novel about my experience rolling for the first time, but what matters more to this context is that every ounce of insecurity or self doubt or shame had completely melted away. I had no cares or worries. I had no idea how to dance, but it didn't matter because as long as I was moving and "vibing", the crowd around me loved it. I remember vividly waking up after blacking out, there being about 5 extra people in my camp circle who's first impression of me was me destroyed on MDMA, and their first words to my sober self was that I had made everyones night, and now suddenly everyone thought I was awesome to be around. Whenever I think of their faces, it feels like we had been friends for decades. It brings comfort and I don't even fucking know these people. Speaking of which, my sitter who I rode with to come there said that a couple people who were returning to go to Hulaween this year offered to pay off my ticket ($700+ at time of writing) when I said I couldn't afford to go, which means it's true! For once in my life I feel wanted, like I'm not a burden or anything.

I decided to take a sober day for once. No weed, mushrooms, caffeine, nothing. I kept chuckling at this thought in the back of my head. "Gee. I'm fun to be around on acid. I should do more". For about a month I noticed heavy psychidelic use taking some toll on my brain. Something is very different. Im not sure what, but it is. I feel OFF when sober now. I started taking some more thought. "Im fun to be around on acid" very quickly turned into "they were all on acid too" (referring to all the amazing loving people I met at Resonate) then eventually "they probably dont remember your face" which then ultimately became "youre not fun to be around on drugs. Youre tolerable. Youre only tolerable on drugs". I found myself in a full sob in the bathroom. All the compliments I received, all the smiles and the hugs and the laughs, it was fake. I remember the day after I got home, I was thinking about how sad I was that I'll never see this particular girl that I liked at this festival, and my sitter saying not to worry, because after a while you realize that sometimes the love and the lust you feel isnt REAL connection, it's just the drugs and that it fades away with time. So is it? How the fuck do I get people to like me and think I'm cool in public while sober when everyone else is too? I can do more but I wanna be sober. I miss having a healthy sober mind. It makes me regret ever taking psychidelics.
 
MDMA is a good tool for self exploration, but not so good as social or funny drug, especially in unknown amounts. But I feel with you, being isolated sucks and I understand your motivations.
Unfortunately, it takes much more than to consume some substances during mass music festival.
 
Who cares if people like you or think you are cool, unless they think that when your being your true self?

There are other people out there who also feel the way you do, you just have to find them. You probly will not attract them by masking.

I have felt my whole world come crashing down after a weekend at bass coast or shambhala. Maybe a decade ago I had taken 2 doses each 200 mg over 3 days and it’s just like coming down into a hell. My life, my job… my festival friends who only really saw me while open, high as f&$k on mdma…had a bad yr in a relationship that only began because of mdma. I didn’t even do it a whole lot just too much a few times that summer. I’m not social either and mdma dissolves my social anxiety. These experience were as profound as 5meoDMT for me but open me up too much and coming back is too harsh.

I realized that quickly though and never used it that way again. I’ve never built a tolerance and only use it a handful of times a yr. I only go to one festival a yr and only take it one night. Mostly I just take it at home and 50-75 mg.

I think if you use it this way you can get full benefit from it repeatedly without the downsides but maybe I just like mdma and bass music too much.

Hope you find what your looking for
 
Welcome to the Nexus, @seviiwiz !
I think probably quite a few people here have dealt with feelings of social isolation. I know I have.

The thing with drugs is that, as Shulgin says in some of his lectures, they are catalysts. They don't "create" anything that the brain is not already capable of. Yes, they may allow it to develop to a more extreme degree, but it's still there. I'm of the opinion that you can practice to train your mind so it does more of what you want and less of what you don't. I'm no master at that, but I have done it to a degree, and anyone that changes and improves is doing that. So I would understand your experience as the discovery that yes, your mind can do that. You can feel loving, loved, and confident. It's there. Now that you've been shown that, you can work towards it.

Your life will never be an infinite MDMA roll, but that's actually good. You can't function in that state all the time. There's a balance to be found. What is possible is for the aspect of your mind that MDMA showed you to be developed so it forms a bigger part of your life and of your mind.

Now you have a good chance to go in a direction that you thought wasn't available to you. The seed has been planted. Take care of it and it may become a beautiful flower.

This is of course how I personally see it, based in my experiences. But I encourage you to consider this perspective.
 
i'm autistic too and what you wrote is basically the story of my life in short so

Yes psychedelics can really make us feel like maybe a neurotypical person with "normal" self-image and relationship feels. Take it as a gift that you've been able to feel yourself without that negative conditioning.

The problem is not you being autistic but all the negative feedback we received while growing up. We have these negative thought patterns now. But the wonderful thing is that the way you saw yourself and others on LSD or MDMA is not really because of the drugs. Of course drugs play a big effect but you really are a likable and lovable person. It's not that drugs can make you a whole another person just by altering some neurotransmitters. It's just how it feels to live without the negative thoughts about ourselves that we grew up with. That's who you are, even now. blig-blug already said it beautifully, MDMA showed you and now you can develop it. I know taking drugs is the easy way but you already found out that it's not sustainable in the long term because you will feel this difference between high and sober even more.

But i can assure you from firsthand experience that there will be moments in which you will feel like that even while sober, and even find meaningful connections.
And by the way among those people at the festival there were surely many people that would have appreciated you even sober.

But first thing is don't follow those negative thought trains even if i know it's not easy, because they're not true.
I know it's really hard feeling the isolation, we were born like this but the isolation isn't part of being autistic, it's just a side effect and it's something that can be changed, even with non-autistic people you can feel connected.
I believe connecting with yourself (accepting yourself) and connecting with other people reinforce each other. Much love and respect to you
 
Sounds like an autistic melt down. Those ruminating thoughts are not true my friend. I think you have tried to fit in so long that you forgot who you are. You should be proud of who you are, what you have been through in life, all of your efforts towards kindness and friendship. It is hard to always feel like you are on the outside. And when you have autism is can feel like you are the outsider of the planet. Born on the wrong planet. It's exhausting and depressing to fit in, to say all the right things in just the right way and make this tremendous effort to socialize only to feel drained, judged, marginalized, discarded, disliked and rejected. I know what you are talking about and I understand what you are saying. Take some time and step away from psychedelics for a bit. That is a good idea. Do again when you are ready if you like. Nothing wrong with never touching it again either.

I think those people really do enjoy your company. You are reading too much into everything and that is not your fault. You have been masking for so long that it has become a comfort blanket. You took the psychedelics and that mask was able to fall away some, you took the blanket off, you let loose and for just a bit you felt like yourself. Well... you were yourself! Look and see this please. It was not because you were on drugs, it was because your masking was not present. When the psychedelics wore off the mask returned and so did all the worries of the mask. Man it sucks to feel like that. I feel what you are going through.

You have received some great advice already. I just wanted you to know that somebody understands very well what you are talking about. Look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), if you have not already. You can do it all by yourself, you don't have to go to a therapist unless you want one. I also want to say that you are very likable just from your post. You are honest, kind, funny and straight forward, these are all high quality traits. I would be your friend with no judgements whatsoever any day of the week. You just need to find the right peeps. Many people in this world will accept you if you accept yourself first and foremost.

I hope you work through this and find a positive light. It's there, you just have to look for it and see it and know it. It is written in your post. Ignore the ending of your post. Ignore your doubt. Remember how you felt when you felt accepted and loved. That is where it is at. Remember that. You are not a burden. You are a awesome human being and I sure hope you see that someday. I do. Hit me up anytime you want.

Catch you on the flipside.

Take care seviiwiz!
 
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Oh boy I’ve been here before. I think MDMA has a lot of power to show you potential and an equal measure of power to cause you suffering and mess you up. I chased that feeling, abused it. For almost 30 years I became addicted to pleasure and dopamine of all sorts and eventually found sobriety through it. Now that I read your post and look back I realise how necessary this is for you. Your own suffering is already causing you to become aware of your self from a new perspective. Just how aware depends on just how much suffering you need. Some people need to go down as far as they can but you sound like you hear your true being already.

You can move through those negative expectations and worries my friend, any time. Love is always there ready to be refocused on who you are and your priorities. It is the energy from which all things come to be and it flows through you. Aim it at your roots, your virtues and be grateful for when you feel sad, distant, human… Don’t run from it, Feel it! For that is the path to the present moment. The path to your being.

Much love 💕
 
Oh boy I’ve been here before. I think MDMA has a lot of power to show you potential and an equal measure of power to cause you suffering and mess you up. I chased that feeling, abused it. For almost 30 years I became addicted to pleasure and dopamine of all sorts and eventually found sobriety through it. Now that I read your post and look back I realise how necessary this is for you. Your own suffering is already causing you to become aware of your self from a new perspective. Just how aware depends on just how much suffering you need. Some people need to go down as far as they can but you sound like you hear your true being already.

You can move through those negative expectations and worries my friend, any time. Love is always there ready to be refocused on who you are and your priorities. It is the energy from which all things come to be and it flows through you. Aim it at your roots, your virtues and be grateful for when you feel sad, distant, human… Don’t run from it, Feel it! For that is the path to the present moment. The path to your being.

Much love 💕
 
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