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Shit Almighty! DMT sends me Home!

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C

cilosyb

Rising Star
*This trip report has a lot of common ground with the other one I just posted, some of it may seem redundant, but I don't have the motivation to edit it. This is my account of what happened to me following the inhalation of two hits of the finest DMT I've ever seen, early last spring. I can't even call this a trip. It wasn't like any psychedelic experience I'd ever had - nothing even remotely similar - and I've used gobs of DMT, LSD, mushrooms, mescaline, Ayahuasca and various combinations of these, both before and after this happened. None of it prepared me for this. Typical of DMT, no words could ever cut the mustard, but I will do my best. Here's what went down: This was the third time I'd used DMT, first time doing so alone. This particular batch had been extracted only a couple days before, and was pristine - like translucent snowflakes - very pure. The setting was at my family's former ranch in the rural northwest, a very peaceful and secluded place. It was nighttime and the sky was clear and gleaming with stars. A small river ran through the middle of our property which created a constant backdrop of the associated sound. I sat down near a small tree and collected myself. My heart was racing as I took the first hit - I'm sure anyone who's used DMT more than once can relate. I took it in deep and held it. Immediately I could feel something [b:f6deb7d613]immense[/b:f6deb7d613] happening. It was unlike the normal DMT come-up…which is plenty immense usually…this felt Monolithically immense, and right off the bat. It was instantaneous. Everything around me started vibrating, changing. I exhaled and told myself to take another hit. I do not remember blowing it out or what I did with the pipe from there on. As I took the second hit, the river kept getting louder and louder and the sound itself shifted into something else, a vibration of sorts...so loud that I thought my head might explode. The intensity soared in exponential leaps, faster and faster and faster...I had no time to even wonder what was happening; the last I recall was a shattering sensation and traveling at an unfathomable velocity, and very soon there was no 'me' at all; Only another dimension, of pure awareness. "I" had become this awareness and was all of it; it was all One infinite awareness. There was no thinking or wondering what was happening. There was only a knowing; a knowing of a peace, bliss, Oneness, beauty, and magnificence of an intensity that I can only describe as a billion atom bombs being simultaneously detonated; only instead of ugliness and destruction, it was of absolute Love. There was no time. It lasted forever, it [i:f6deb7d613]was[/i:f6deb7d613] Forever. There was an unprecedented familiarity to it, like I’d been there a thousand times, and at the same time I was going there, and somehow I always was there; the [i:f6deb7d613]real[/i:f6deb7d613] Secret that we've all forgotten about…if we all knew about 'this' it would be all over the news, we'd all be talking about it all the time...nothing else would even matter. The Beauty of it was UnFucking believable. Like pornography suddenly showing up onshore for a dude stranded on a desert island…only a trillion times better…simply ineffable Beauty. And Peace. Ecstacy. This 'place' WAS all of those things – it wasn’t the experience of them, it WAS them. This place bore resemblace to a desert-like landscape, and yet not at all. A desert in the sense that it seemed to, and no doubt did, go on forever. There was a horizon and a 'ground' but they never meet, and the spacial characteristics of this 'place' were not bound by conventional three-dimension laws – there wasn’t an up or down, or forward or back, or here or there...everything was everything else. It was almost completely un-relative, save for two distinct things I recall...I have no idea what they were of course, but they looked similar to saguaro cacti...only they were comprised of a dazzling white light. The 'sky' was of fantastically colored and changing patterns. And there was a sound I can faintly recall…yet it was more than just a sound…hard to articulate. The whole place was ALIVE. It was all [i:f6deb7d613]isness[/i:f6deb7d613]ing…everything just…[i:f6deb7d613]really[/i:f6deb7d613]…[b:f6deb7d613]WAS[/b:f6deb7d613]! I felt very at home, a feeling that I’m not sure I have ever felt on Earth. At some point I started to become aware of my individuality and body again, and this place began to slip away from my awareness. I remember that for an instant when I was coming out of it, that it made no difference whether my eyes were open or closed. Before long it was gone but it left an imprint in my mind - I can visually recall about a millionth of what was witnessed during this experience and it gives me shivers every time I think about it. Truthfully I’m glad that’s all I can remember too. I would have no priorities but to sit and think about this until I died if I could really remember just what the fuck happened. My first thoughts shot me into a full body orgasm that had me rolling around, howling, and yelling uncontrollably in my lawn for a couple minutes...an undoubtedly amusing spectacle. Peak ecstasy and sheer terror all rolled into one. I could honestly not believe what I had experienced but at the same time I was left with no other option. My emotions didn't know how to react so they went all out at once. I had no idea what to think. My mind was reeling. As has happened on other really deep trips my ego was flattened into nothing save for childlike bewilderment and [b:f6deb7d613]fucking maximum awe[/b:f6deb7d613]. Everything of Earthly reality...my identity, ideas about life, existence, God/No God...had been utterly annihilated, like an icicle, knowing only the icicle existence, being instantly vaporized by lightening into something previously unfathomable. Yes, it was very much what I would imagine being struck by lightening is like. I was overcome with a fear that I would never relate to this world ever again. It was so profound...so profound...SO PROFOUND! I was confused and started to panic; my mind was cooking along at maximum capacity! I consider myself to have a strong mind but this was the absolute limit of what I could handle. I actually thought about killing myself right then and there; right away I was so sure that I was permanently unhinged that there wasn't any point – I was headed for complete insanity and there was nothing to undo what I had witnessed - plus I was certain that I would go right back ‘there’. It was THAT profound. Inebriated with fear and ecstasy, I staggered into my house to make a phone call, still tripping. Two days earlier my buddy had his first DMT trip...he took a monster rip during the peak of a mushroom trip...having absolutely no clue what DMT even was (it's a hell of a prank to pull on someone...), and was blasted out of body and believed that he had died (an experience I had several months later as well). Poor bastard stumbled all over my yard, tearing his cloths off, completely unresponsive, walked square into the back of my car, and finally collapsed into the driveway gravel which he began to dig through like a crackhead after crack. Didn’t remember any of that. Said he was somewhere else and flat wouldn’t believe us when we told him what he was actually doing. The whole time this was happening I was torn between uncontrollable laughter and genuine concern that he was going to be unhinged. After he started coming down into recognizable reality he was in shock for about 20 minutes, unable to speak. Unsure if he was alive or dead, he looked at us with a great deal of skepticism when we told him that he was alive, and alright. It had taken him by total surprise…right during the peak of our trips I’d grabbed the spice pipe and took a couple rips, running around hootin’ and hollerin’ in awe of what reality had become…yelling to my friends to go take a hit. He hadn’t the slightest clue what was going to happen as he took that monster rip! /tangent I called him hoping he could relate, and help me understand what the fuck just happened to me because I finally understood why he was so shaken after his trip. At first I couldn’t talk coherently; my mind still racing a million miles an hour. Through our conversation it became clear that his experience was not the same, and I didn't find the consolation I was seeking. I was overflowing with an urgency to contact someone who could relate…I needed to know what had happened, to understand what/why. I talked to a few other friends and my girlfriend...tried to explain…it was so futile. We all mill about our lives with, a subconscious (in nearly all cases) belief that there’s really nothing we don’t know about life that would make any difference in day to day business. This belief is a strong foundation of the ego, giving rise to the complacency that perpetuates the “work buy consume die” paradigm; we experience the same day tomorrow as we did today, in the exact theme if not detail. What I experienced that night was the anti-thesis of this belief; there ARE things which would, if realized, [i:f6deb7d613]change everything![/i:f6deb7d613] I became very frustrated trying to talk to my friends, because they held this belief, subconsciously. “Yeah…wow…sounds like quite a trip…geeze…so what time are we leaving tomorrow?” As I suspected. The problem with psychedelics isn’t that the insight aren’t real…I cannot doubt that they are…but rather that they are so real, and so profound, that it becomes almost impossible to fit in with the consensus reality; to be concerned with the same things everyone else is concerned about…even a five-minute experience can drastically and permanently rewire your perspective and belief structure. In a world which has believed the same shit for thousands and thousands of years, it is almost inevitable that one who experiences such things will feel frustratingly out of place. There is a wall of doubt around the ego; it is much more consensus-reality-friendly to write off powerful experiences as mere hallucination, to doubt that they have any real significance and disregard them. I imagine it would be different if a large number of people were going through the same sort of ordeal; experiencing and integrating the same insights - indeed this seemed to be the case in the 60's - but being the lone goer is an entirely different dynamic and it can be as much of a burden as it can a blessing to go through this sort of stuff and not be able to relate it with anyone else. I came to accept that I was probably the only person to ever experience this, because if anyone else had, it seemed (at the time) like they'd do everything in their power to make sure the world knew about It! If everyone had experienced tis it would change the world overnight. Nothing I'd ever read about or heard about described anything remotely like this...and I wanted terribly to understand what the fuck. Much to my surprise my wish was granted! Through bizarre synchronicity or coincidence or whatever tickles your pickle, a couple months later, after posting a trip report elsewhere, I exchanged several emails from a guy dumbfounded after reading my trip report, saying [quote:f6deb7d613][i:f6deb7d613]“When I was reading your experience it nearly mirrored my own experiences with the spice down to the small details. Your report is like what I would like to have been able to say about my experience.”[/quote:f6deb7d613] [/i:f6deb7d613]And more remarkably IMO:[i:f6deb7d613] [quote:f6deb7d613]“ If you had said a line about being told true love between people is deeply intertwined with the meaning of life, our trips would have been the exact same; Right down to the feeling right afterwards, and the stumbling around for the phone with incoherent calls and the deep wonder if anybody else has really felt this way.”[/quote:f6deb7d613][/i:f6deb7d613] Mere weeks after that I was reading through David Icke's Ayahuasca report from ‘Tales of the Time Loop’ which describes the exact same experience [i:f6deb7d613]again[/i:f6deb7d613]. Here's the excerpt: [quote:f6deb7d613][i:f6deb7d613]...The most profound night of my life was about to begin. As I lay down with my eyes closed, I began to see the swirling colors and images again and for a time they had a very Chinese feel about them. Then I began to hear a voice as clear as can be. Not some distant 'what did it say?' type of voice, but a loud and powerful one, more so than anything I had experienced. It was female and spoke with great dignity, assurance and clarity. "David", it said, "We are going to take you to where you come from, so you can remember who you are." With that I was taken to a realm of indescribable bliss. There was no 'time' and there was no 'Place'. Everything just was. I had no body, I was only consciousness, and I was everything. There were no divisions, no polarities, no black and white, no us and them. I was infinite, but I was also completely self aware, as an 'individual' with my own point of observation within the whole. This is what we all are and if only people could experience the bliss of Oneness the world of the five senses would be transformed in an instant. The energy was not vibrating as it does in the Matrix. I experienced it as either stillness or as the waves of an ocean moving in slow motion and in perfect harmony. "This is the Infinite, David", the voice said, "This is where you come from and this is where you shall return." The following words then began to repeat over and over in my mind: "Infinite Love is the only truth everything else is illusion; Infinite Love is the only truth everything else is illusion; Infinite Love is the only truth everything else is illusion." [/i:f6deb7d613][/quote:f6deb7d613] Now Icke has got some strange ideas IMO - but the parallel between his experience an my own is downright boggling to me, as are several other insights he’s gathered and my own - I would feel stupid to me to discount what I experienced as some meaningless coincidence trip because it’s obvious to me that it was much more. All three of these trips (mine, the email dude, and Icke's) conveyed a universal message - LOVE, and Oneness - NewAgey as they may be, I am deeply inclined to think that this is the truth of it All; we come from absolute Love and Oneness and return there, what is happening now is that we (collective humanity) are [i:f6deb7d613](not)[/i:f6deb7d613] remembering this eternal truth and hopefully recreating our way of life to reflect it. And the crazy shit doesn't stop there either. Later that summer, while shootin the shit with a buddy about psychedelics, religion, God, life, etc, he recommend I read a few books titled "Conversations with God". He assured me that these books had nothing to do with religion, and that they'd had a profound impact on him relating to a lot of the same stuff, etc. I kind of shrugged it off, but kept it in the back of my mind. That fall, I headed down to the library one day and remembered what my buddy said, and decided I'd check out the CWG books. I read for about 4 days straight, unable to put these books down except for long walks taking it all in and occasional trips to the bathroom of course - they reaffirmed everything I’d learned experientially with the help of psychedelics (and never once making any mention of them!). They led me to a greater understanding of a very powerful life-shattering N/BDE I had the previous summer and what I’d taken from that as well (posted in this forum as well). It also cleared up just about everything that still didn’t connect for me in terms of the ‘bigger picture’. I don’t want to say these books have all the answers (God so cleverly leaves out the biggest detail of It All) or anything, but if there’s anything I can recommend for anyone besides taking psychedelics, it’s reading these books. Both have nearly the same effect IMO. Psychedelics really drive it home though - especially DMT! They also disseminated what had been nagging at the back of my mind for months…that DMT experience I’d had. According to 'God', what I experienced that night about 6 months before was the ‘realm of the absolute’, as opposed to the ‘realm of the relative’ where experience can exist (which is where we are now); it is indeed where we come from and where we go because it is ‘who we are’ (just as Icke was told during his experience); it is the realm of the soul; it is absolute eternal infinite love – or what I like to call God. So now, God, David Icke, and a stranger from the internet had all either affirmed and reaffirmed what I had taken the significance of my experience to be… and who would dare doubt the validity of these sources?! Fuck it though…I know it’s all true…it’s too crazy not to be. So where did all of this leave me? In my better moments I’m not afraid of anything anymore (though not all my moments are better ones). I know where I’ve been and where I’m headed and it’s a lot better than this (as it is). Whatever happens in the meantime doesn’t matter a lick and there ain’t shit to loose. There is a lot more to add to this that has happened since, that has led me to where I am right now. The way I see it, It’s All Good. Something [i:f6deb7d613]really[/i:f6deb7d613] funny, utterly unexpected, and too-good-to-be-true-amazing could happen in our lifetime. It has the potential to buck the status quo and unite humanity. I say probably and not certainly because it is up to us and will NOT come from outside forces or anything like so. It's all our choice. There are some really good reasons to be happy about life. And this Whole Thing we call existence goes a lot deeper and is a lot more interesting and connected than but a few give it credit for. Huxley, per usual, hits the nail on the head: [quote:f6deb7d613][i:f6deb7d613]“Most human beings have an absolute and infinite capacity for taking things for granted.”[/quote:f6deb7d613][/i:f6deb7d613]
 
Good stuff! Happy for ya man. I remember experiencing something similar on shrooms, about ten years ago. I remember thinking, "how am I gonna tell my mom I'm here and never coming back?". For the absolute seemed absolutely absolute.
 
I have highly, highly, highly similar kind of experience with LSD. On large doses, i can <<focus<< my mind hard enough to be completly dissociated with eyes open. And i mean completly. I loose awareness of my surrounding and of myself, and when i'm back ( i'v been told it's never long, 10 seconds maximum) my heart is racing like crazy and my skin looks pale and cold. And i cant remeber how long i'v been gone, and the whole eperience is more like an imprint than a memory to my mind. This is mean. IT's alot like DMT disintegration of reality but with alot more control over things. My idea about this phenomenon is that this place/thing is the oneness of the universe, the ultimate singularity, the begining and the end. I feel that every point of the universe is connected to this. It's alive. It's god. It's VALIS :shock: . hehehe [u:4d426b2a21]Wild speculation and funny jokes :[/u:4d426b2a21] What if... What if before going ''there'' we formulate an idea to keep hold of. Let's say... that i focus my eyes on a cigarette lighter, and push the idea that i want the damn thing to move. Then i focus my mind, i lose my awareness, i go to universal land of infinite light, and of course on the '' come down '', things are going dual ( positive/negative, male/female ) again. So maybe that we can release so kind of ultimate atomic, cosmic, godlike energy on the way back. Like if we pull the right/left appart and then bring back a little piece of the ultimate creative energy that is the orignin of all creation. Thing about it, an atomic bomb is kind of. pulling apart a negative/positive to release so energy and everything. When doing this, we are doing a somehow smaller scale ''creation'' in the ''light made the universe that we live in'' sense. I like to call this the ''power of death'' because of the state that i'm in when i come back. It impress the girls and it's macho. Cyclosyb, you are damn right, we cant relate this experience to everyday reality at all, look at me, i try to impress girls and work a way to have power with this stuff ahaha! Am i a better and more spiritualy evolved person now? Sadly no i guess. haha! :lol:
 
You had a "Beingasm" ... Well done ! Great to read something so freakingly identical to what swim once told me. ... I saw swim hugging himself from the inside-out, rolling around too... in subatomic Love in everything there is... That is what swim calls a breakthought - into the AllThatIs... 37.5 mg dmt-freebase is the magic number, in one or two lungfuls ... But 25 mg just bounces swim off of that state, doesn't make it through... Imagine waiting all your life, and to have to DIE to know that... !?... like not having an orgasm, all your life... ! The french used to call the orgasm "the little death", and it makes sense no..? Sex was given to us life-forms to 'use' for the ultimate purpose; make MORE love and life ! So the orgasm is one way we all can, for an instant, go for a dip in the AllThatIs... get splashed by the ocean of totality as we scream and go blind for the instant, in bliss, ... and then life's secret is let out, squirms, and carries on... So go for it everyone ... ! swim says 37.5 mg !
 
[quote:96f2376ef1="El Ka Bong"] So go for it everyone ... ! swim says 37.5 mg ![/quote:96f2376ef1] What if you weigh 200 kilos? Or maybe just 45? Same amount? Don't think so.
 
Beingasm ! Nice :) [quote:60a9f411ca]What if you weigh 200 kilos? Or maybe just 45? [/quote:60a9f411ca] I doubt that brains of people weighting 200 k is bigger than those weighting 60 ;) Anyway I'm sure some people are less or more 'sensitive' to psychoactive substances. SWIM breakthrought with 20 mg... Well... Cylosib, Arhh ! What to say about your TR... I consider myself as a 'strong mind' but I'm almost tearing while reading you (almost, I don't want to compromise my ego with emotionaly states ;) ) [quote:60a9f411ca]Nothing I'd ever read about or heard about described anything remotely like this...[/quote:60a9f411ca] I had read so much books trying to describe 'THIS'. But before experiencing *IT*, it was just pure intellectual thinking to me, or maybe a kind of vague intuition of what it could be. But I had NO IDEA, not a tiny tiny bit of idea about *THIS*. However 'I' (my ego, the entity writting) was so scared :shock:. IT was always there, I looked for it all my life but I realized that 'I' can not handle it. It's just too much. Handling it would mean dying, this is not just words, I mean really dying because ones can not 'exist' together with *THIS* [quote:60a9f411ca]he recommend I read a few books titled "Conversations with God". [/quote:60a9f411ca] Incredible ! Few days ago I ordered it online. I had read a lot of spiritual books and never heard about it. And now I read your post mentionning it... [quote:60a9f411ca]There are some really good reasons to be happy about life. And this Whole Thing we call existence goes a lot deeper and is a lot more interesting and connected than but a few give it credit for[/quote:60a9f411ca] So true, so true....
 
And some call it The Cosmic Joke !... life is all of it's punchlines... ...! Swim used to not weigh the amounts, and it took about 10 tries to figure out, holy sheet, .. that is how it happens ...! So if absolute amounts mean anything, for an average body weight (swim is about 160 lbs, 5'9"), it seems as though the 'void' doesn't 'appear with anything less than about 35 - 38 mg ... Swim's method though involves preparing 50mg vials - these can be taken back in one shot, or divided up into 25, 12.5 and 12.5 mg by eye for those that wish to 'tirtrate' the dose, or reliably eyeball 37.5-ish mg.
 
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