hierophant
Rising Star
Hi everyone, I would first like to say that I have greatly enjoyed reading the posts on this site. The maturity and wisdom displayed by its members is truly a rarity in life. I find this site gives off a very peaceful and calming vibe, very interesting to experience something like this over the internet.
I would like to use this essay to introduce myself but also as a chance to tell a bit about my life story to date. I have lived an unusual life and because of the nature of it, I have to keep allot of it a secret. I feel this website is a good chance for me to be able to express myself and possibly find some people who relate or who at least are cool with the fact that this story is a little out there :d
From a very young age I was attracted to the psychedelic. At the age of thirteen I discovered the book Dune by Frank Herbert and became engrossed in it (still am over ten years later) soon after I discovered the band tool. At this stage I had no knowledge of psychedelic and was unaware of how many of themes in these works of art relate to the experience. I just loved the mind expanding concepts and spiritual themes. I think it’s in my nature to want to explore altered levels of consciousness.
At fifteen I began smoking marijuana. The new friends and social activity which came with it was beautiful and I also quickly began to develop a spiritual appreciation for it. The marijuana facilitated deep introspective journeys, where many fears and insecurities were uncovered which helped me develop as a person.
At eighteen I left school with no clear purpose as to what I wanted to do in life. At this point I began smoking marijuana habitually several times a day. It had some negative effects on me I believe, but overall life was good. I soon came in contact with LSD which I had been searching for, for many years now. It came to me at a psychedelic trance party, the combination of the community, tribal electronic music and the two hits definitely left and imprint on how I viewed the universe from then on.
After this I went back to my life of smoking weed, chilling with my friends and doing whatever work I could find but with no actual real career goal. It was in this environment that I experienced my first psychotic episode. My view of reality altered, I began hearing voices and gained a sense that others could read my mind. These voices would often impart unknown knowledge and wisdom, causing me to believe in their reality. I began examining my mind closely and wondering where the source of thoughts came from. Are they really created by me? Or do they come from an external source? This line of questioning lead to me believing that I was being controlled by some kind of alien over mind. I envisioned the over mind to be a consciousness which experiences all other consciousness at once, but still manages to keep its individuality. I believed that we were all connected to this consciousness and began to wonder if we actually had individuality or if we were simply being fed stimuli.
While all this was occurring I had to continue going to work and relating to my family and friends. The stress proved too much. I felt I was isolated and couldn’t trust anyone. The mental pain was excruciating and constant, eventually my family had me placed against my will in a psychiatric ward.
The psychiatric ward consisted of a series of small rooms and a small fenced in outside area. Inside each room was a camera which watched you constantly. This environment did not do much for my sanity, but the feeling of being on edge like that was really amazing in its way. Completely on your own, having to fend for yourself, you feel really alive. Fortunately I only needed to stay there for five days before being released to the care of my parents and a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist put me on anti psychotic medication which was effective. The doctors believed that either I had schizophrenia or the marijuana had caused psychosis. During the treatment period i quit pot and no longer had any symptoms. Which lead the doctors to believe it was a psychosis triggered by marijuana rather than schizophrenia.
Since that time I experimented with marijuana on and off. Each time I did it, it would result in a psychotic episode. Through this experimentation I managed to learn to traverse the strange realms of psychosis without harming myself. I learned a great deal, some of it good, allot of it bad, but all of it made me a better person. After periods ranging from weeks to months in this state the pain would get to extreme and I would have to return to normal consciousness. Always I would look for ways to heal myself and try and reverse the psychosis without medication, but continually I failed.
During this time i was managing to get education and work and care for my physically disabled girlfriend. Then LSD came along again, I couldn’t resist. I began experimenting with it and it took me to places beyond my wildest dreams. The spiritual universe opened up and ecstasy is the best term I have to describe it.
I also smoked DMT a couple of times, always on very low dosage because I find the experience very intimidating. Two out of the three times I tried it, it was like some form of medical check up was being performed on me.
The first couple of times I took LSD it did not trigger psychosis. Eventually though, i was launched back into a psychotic world. The experience of LSD combined with psychosis is frightening to say the least. My entire being was exposed to the judgemental eyes of other people for eight hours, as the reoccurring fear of mind reading resurfaced. It truly is amazing the level of fear this type of believed exposure can cause. The human truly is a private being in many ways.
The LSD psychosis continues after the trip, but has a very different quality to the marijuana one. I would come in contact with angelic female entities that soothe and heal my soul. Beings who have mastered the art of comedy till I could not control my laughter regardless of the situation. And a small pixie creature who could create realities.
It’s hard to describe what existing in this altered reality for months on end does to you. But I learned to traverse it. I really pushed my mind beyond normal limits and certain things were unlocked. My mind was no longer shackled to normality, I learned to create complex fractal patterns and landscapes in my mind and will myself into deep trance states. I still have these skills now.
After three years experimenting with the unusual combination of psychosis and psychedelic drugs, I believe I have healed myself to the point where I will no longer need medication. It has been a long time since I had a psychotic break and by all rights I should have had several. But I know that if I do have another one I can handle it. I understand that what I do is controversial and i am unsure of how this will all be received, but it’s who I am and what I love. I did my best to describe the strange, unique and exciting experience which has been my life in this essay and I hope that one day I will be able to use my experiences to help others. Thanks for reading.
I would like to use this essay to introduce myself but also as a chance to tell a bit about my life story to date. I have lived an unusual life and because of the nature of it, I have to keep allot of it a secret. I feel this website is a good chance for me to be able to express myself and possibly find some people who relate or who at least are cool with the fact that this story is a little out there :d
From a very young age I was attracted to the psychedelic. At the age of thirteen I discovered the book Dune by Frank Herbert and became engrossed in it (still am over ten years later) soon after I discovered the band tool. At this stage I had no knowledge of psychedelic and was unaware of how many of themes in these works of art relate to the experience. I just loved the mind expanding concepts and spiritual themes. I think it’s in my nature to want to explore altered levels of consciousness.
At fifteen I began smoking marijuana. The new friends and social activity which came with it was beautiful and I also quickly began to develop a spiritual appreciation for it. The marijuana facilitated deep introspective journeys, where many fears and insecurities were uncovered which helped me develop as a person.
At eighteen I left school with no clear purpose as to what I wanted to do in life. At this point I began smoking marijuana habitually several times a day. It had some negative effects on me I believe, but overall life was good. I soon came in contact with LSD which I had been searching for, for many years now. It came to me at a psychedelic trance party, the combination of the community, tribal electronic music and the two hits definitely left and imprint on how I viewed the universe from then on.
After this I went back to my life of smoking weed, chilling with my friends and doing whatever work I could find but with no actual real career goal. It was in this environment that I experienced my first psychotic episode. My view of reality altered, I began hearing voices and gained a sense that others could read my mind. These voices would often impart unknown knowledge and wisdom, causing me to believe in their reality. I began examining my mind closely and wondering where the source of thoughts came from. Are they really created by me? Or do they come from an external source? This line of questioning lead to me believing that I was being controlled by some kind of alien over mind. I envisioned the over mind to be a consciousness which experiences all other consciousness at once, but still manages to keep its individuality. I believed that we were all connected to this consciousness and began to wonder if we actually had individuality or if we were simply being fed stimuli.
While all this was occurring I had to continue going to work and relating to my family and friends. The stress proved too much. I felt I was isolated and couldn’t trust anyone. The mental pain was excruciating and constant, eventually my family had me placed against my will in a psychiatric ward.
The psychiatric ward consisted of a series of small rooms and a small fenced in outside area. Inside each room was a camera which watched you constantly. This environment did not do much for my sanity, but the feeling of being on edge like that was really amazing in its way. Completely on your own, having to fend for yourself, you feel really alive. Fortunately I only needed to stay there for five days before being released to the care of my parents and a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist put me on anti psychotic medication which was effective. The doctors believed that either I had schizophrenia or the marijuana had caused psychosis. During the treatment period i quit pot and no longer had any symptoms. Which lead the doctors to believe it was a psychosis triggered by marijuana rather than schizophrenia.
Since that time I experimented with marijuana on and off. Each time I did it, it would result in a psychotic episode. Through this experimentation I managed to learn to traverse the strange realms of psychosis without harming myself. I learned a great deal, some of it good, allot of it bad, but all of it made me a better person. After periods ranging from weeks to months in this state the pain would get to extreme and I would have to return to normal consciousness. Always I would look for ways to heal myself and try and reverse the psychosis without medication, but continually I failed.
During this time i was managing to get education and work and care for my physically disabled girlfriend. Then LSD came along again, I couldn’t resist. I began experimenting with it and it took me to places beyond my wildest dreams. The spiritual universe opened up and ecstasy is the best term I have to describe it.
I also smoked DMT a couple of times, always on very low dosage because I find the experience very intimidating. Two out of the three times I tried it, it was like some form of medical check up was being performed on me.
The first couple of times I took LSD it did not trigger psychosis. Eventually though, i was launched back into a psychotic world. The experience of LSD combined with psychosis is frightening to say the least. My entire being was exposed to the judgemental eyes of other people for eight hours, as the reoccurring fear of mind reading resurfaced. It truly is amazing the level of fear this type of believed exposure can cause. The human truly is a private being in many ways.
The LSD psychosis continues after the trip, but has a very different quality to the marijuana one. I would come in contact with angelic female entities that soothe and heal my soul. Beings who have mastered the art of comedy till I could not control my laughter regardless of the situation. And a small pixie creature who could create realities.
It’s hard to describe what existing in this altered reality for months on end does to you. But I learned to traverse it. I really pushed my mind beyond normal limits and certain things were unlocked. My mind was no longer shackled to normality, I learned to create complex fractal patterns and landscapes in my mind and will myself into deep trance states. I still have these skills now.
After three years experimenting with the unusual combination of psychosis and psychedelic drugs, I believe I have healed myself to the point where I will no longer need medication. It has been a long time since I had a psychotic break and by all rights I should have had several. But I know that if I do have another one I can handle it. I understand that what I do is controversial and i am unsure of how this will all be received, but it’s who I am and what I love. I did my best to describe the strange, unique and exciting experience which has been my life in this essay and I hope that one day I will be able to use my experiences to help others. Thanks for reading.
