Thanks again y'all. The reason i was with the guy is because he was there. I frankly was heading out alone as i usually do but he called, i invited. This is a new new aspect of his character, one i wasn't aware of previously, in fact, i thought he was far more advanced for his age, which is really just a number in some respects, but I'm a very bad judge of character and usually don't see the negative till its to late. I have found a group of like minded souls here, so maybe the days of lonely tripping can end.
It's been very hard for me finding any kind a social group to be with, and spend 99percent of my time alone. Since i quit heroin, those people are gone, my best friend is dead and my girl left me in favor of meth. So yeah, I'm lonely, it's maybe my biggest unhappiness right now and maybe i just wanted company.
EDIT:
I'm extremely grateful for
having found a community here of like minds.
[MOD EDIT: NO USING THE NEXUS AS A MEETUP TOOL!] I live i a place that i knew was full of them but where? I really don't take part in the types of social activities i used to. Several factors, the adore mentioned change of life style, the dissolving with age of self imposed labels that allowed me to fit in with certain chosen social groups ( usually music based- punk, deadhead, blabla ), since my eye surgery lights at concerts really mess with me and its quite the challenge for me in dark places, not to mention a real bad social anxiety that comes from the bad living i did for so long- i feel shamed among certain peer groups for having 'wasted my life'.
Shit, i think I'm integrating right now. Disregard everything above this paragraph.
That was the focus of the meeting last week, what now? We have these powerful life changing experiences, but then we go back to the pain of daily living. We can put into effect changes that we gain from them, and god knows i have I'd probably be dead were it not for DMT, but who do we share this with? I had to go out into the woods with someone because i NEEDED someone there. I don't know, I'm kinda glad he was there, I but just as another human for safety sake. But from here out, now that i know i can pull through something that hard alone, because i did, it was my hand caressing my own back to reassure myself that it was okay, I'll either go alone, like you said you do, CP, or have a teal trusted companion. I'm hoping that we will connect with each other with these meetings locally. (Btw, it's really, really cool, every local community should be doing this. )
I needed to do this, and dammit, I still have a LOT of work to do. I've been suffering for far too long, and i want back what is rightfully mine . To just be happy and fulfilled. I'm learning with great difficulty, how to do that alone because alone is what i was, am and will be. There will be people who float thru, and I have tried futilely to keep them in my life, but it is only with I that I end up standing. Loving myself comes with incredible challenges, and i don't know what makes me think another should when i find it so hard.
I honestly didn't know how badly i needed people. I've always considered myself mostly a loner, even among a large circle of friends. Just recently over the last few years, as over tried to move out of the profligate junky lifestyle that i led for so long, and the subsequent loss and disappearance of every-thing and everyone that i realized it. I've been on a quest to discover the value intrinsic in me outside and beyond the contents of my wallet, and while i feel that I've found some priceless jewels, I'm disappointed in the willingness of people that are around me to want to share them. Oh well, i can't do anything else but keep plugging away.
I learned, or was taught, two things in the last couple trips one less esoteric, more easily apprehended and worded:
There are only two valid occupations in the new world; working for social justice, and art.
And 2, of a spiritual nature: being the 'sensory organs' of the divine creative force-that is, having the material bodies combined with an intellect capable of conceiving the divine-i need to be more appreciative of just that. That this consciousness was put together to ride in this body for a little while, to feel and experience, the depths of love, sorrow, passion, and joy. It is an affront to the creative force -if you can put it that way-which is outside of time, space and corporeality therefore incapable of experiencing that which i do. 'God' just wants to know what it made, and therefore what it is, and uses us to do so.
Whew, well, I'm done rambling. You've just been witness to psychedelic integration folks. Thank you for being here for me.
PAX IN LVX
