Whever I smoke pot I have a very strong and embarassing experience in front of whoever I am around. I feel like I have to tell them all that I'm feeling. When I smoke weed, all sorts of psychological changes start happening.
Normally I am a materialistic, marxist, athistic, nihilistic person who sees society as doomed ruled by social and behavioral systems. I study this. My brand of what I beleive to be true is to borrow from postmodernism, evolutionary perspectives, critical social theory, with a strong tendancy towards marxism and systems sorts of views.
So throw all this in the garbage. On weed I start talking about how I was never loved as a child. I tell people. "No you don't understand I'm not a real person nomrally I don't feel like a real person when I'm sober"
It's like I don't understand people normally. When I smoke weed was the first time I 'got' somebody. THe first the I had this 'reaction' I suddenly, and 3 other dudes were so high skipping in the rain comming back from a party talking like hippies. It felt so good to slur my words the way they did. I was so high, I finally understood why they 'slured' their words like that. It wasn't a slur, it was like a different way of feeling and comunicating all togehter.
So that's basically it. Every time I smoke weed. I have a very strong reaction that unburies unconscious stuff. A need for love namely. A sadness, and realization that I haven't been myself my whole life. I believe I have been dominated by a false self my whole life, only pretending, acting logical and rational to control the world around me to be safe from others.
When I'm high holy shit do I get scared. I realize they can see me. I'm not invisible I can see them. Things get very real. And I live in a state of almost solipism like detatchment with neurotic tendancy toward a machavelian charm that does indeed get results and let me schmooze well with the boozing ego based crowd.
But every time I smoke weed. I can only have what looks like externally. And I've filmed this. I sound ABSRUD. But to me at the time is SO SO Essential I express what I'm feeling. Like it's the only truth I've ever known is to know my whole life is a lie.
When I get high, an inversion happens. Sober I see the world as, this dumb fucking rock we happened to get stuck on with a lot of stupid and bad people ruled by an arbitrary system of consciouness domination arising out of evolutionary and historical and social conditions. In other words. Pointless. Doomed. Fatalistic. Detatched. Like I'm an alien put here to suffer this nonsense.
When I get high. I snap human or something. I've told maybe 5 people in a freakout session about this. I keep asking them. Do you understand me, Why don't you understand me. I just want somebody to lve or understand me.
I smoke weed, and I'm running into a lot of deep level transpersonal shit. My so called personality is revealed. I understand why nothing the false self does will ever bring me satisfaction. I want to look at someone and see them. I want to really be loved. I remembered while high, meditating, dealing with painful childhood memories and having a sense that as young as 2 I remember things being terribly wrong in the world. As if I've never lived a dman day in my life only lived in fear.
I smoked weed and wham, a realm of newfound sexual humaness stop and smell the flowers groove with the music, lets build hedon on earth sort of sensation sets in.
And just as strangely it wears off. It's like a shizoidal split but it's not. One part of my brain tells me, it's some type of strong reaction to the weed caused by it. Yet my strongest intution is to know I'm some pretty fuckign damnaged goods and weed seems like the only way out. I want to become human. Like a hippie or a child or something on weed.
But it just looks psycho nuts to people. They're like "I don't want to have to take you to the emergency room man, are you sure you're ok?"
And damnit I am.
Only on weed can I feel enough to even go there. To even cry. Like a whole emotional world. A lifetime of snapshots with no identity. I am a true shizoid.
Another memeory at 8 or so is promint of me having a birthday party. I thought I was one person the whole party, but here I am, 8 years old horrified of what I see. I hate myself. I can't recognize myself. And here it goes deeper. Doing work in front of the mirror. I don't understand myself. I don't understand what I am. This mystical stuff. Is it insanity or should I rationalize it away with a theory drug it away. Hell no.
I went 9 months without pot because I didn't have a hook up, and living at home, parnets are huge part of this. And it made things so much worse. Almost psychotic. I'm doing my 'weed' work again and it is improving. I'm trying to learn to feel again and such.
With my parents. My family is what RD liang (yes i've done my homework here) woudl call a shizoid family. I have memories of the going ballistic turning into hideous monsters emotion pouring into me like a PTSD panic attack. My parents are crazy. They are destroying at me yelling at me. I loved them, this image of them. But now they have turned into monsters who can explode. They cannot see me, or they would see what it does to me inside I beg them to stop. But they don't. All I can do is detatch, not feel to survive. Thus the shizoid is born.
And I never did anything wrong. I was a 4.0 in school I always watched the adults to look for cues on how to please them. Yet here they are crazy yelling at me and I just keep wondering. Why don't they understand me. Maybe someday somebody will understand me I keep thinking. And it's like I'm 2 or 3, some part inside of me is stuck at that age, still searching for love. Like until this 'love blockade' is done I will continue to be highly detatched cold and neurotic. I cried watching the movie AI because it was the little boys fantasy to have the one perfect day where he had his mothers love, after milenia of waiting in his conscious grave under the sea. That was my fantasy. To have that.
I remember also being bullied serverely in school. One day I snapped. I started hating everyone and still do. It's why I do social theory. To destroy people. To turn them into abstractions, irrelevencies, fatalistic, random, unimportant. Similar, grouped into the nonsense of humanity heading over the cliff.
So there is this whole shitstorm world on weed that needs to be adressed. I know it's there whem I'm in sober 'commando mode' I like to call 'him' where I deal with the world in a very aggressive proactive way. I treat people just to manipulate them. I don't care about them at all. I can't ove anyone. I can't feel fucking shit at all. Only pain. I hate everything.
And my parents. I stopped loving them at 12 or 13 no one was ever let in in any emotional sense or way after that. I would get good grades and they would say "I love you" and it would get me so bad inside I didn't want to say it. I LOATHED saying it so much because I didn't lov ehtem, nothing was ok. But I had no choice but to say I love you back. I lived in this lonely world for so long. Weed was a new way. To be human for once in my logical strange life. I felt like some sort of artistic emotional bohemina writer waking up or something. But I had some injuries and the magic faded over these 9 months.
I had wandered hoplessly in niaeve un-awake atheisim before I found weed. Finding weed was like finding the reason people smiled. I had NEVER UNDERSTOOD. Nobody ever showed me how, or that IT WAS OK. My #1 rule of survival for the past 22 years had been to never reveal a damn thing to anyone. Like waging a private shizoid war on the world.
I got stoned tonight and had another 'freakout' dunno if this resonates with anyone.
Basically I was really straight shooter, affraid to leave my comfort zone at all, thoguht drugs were bad, had not tried alcohol until 18, in college, had not tried weed until 20 ecause I thought it made people 'stupid'. How ignorant I was.
So this is my strange tale. What does it mean? Why does weed do this to me?
I know it's all over the place. But it's better that way if I just write it streamwriting, as some wierd confession as I think over my latest antics high. I realize, and feel this terrible shame over how absrud I looked. And so lonely to know they didn't understand. It only scared them. No one understood how good I wanted to be inside. All this love I wanted. This hope. To start over. Clens the sins. I get these biblical ideas and I LOATH the bible and that sort 'SHIT' normally. sober. whatever you call that strange person I am. Pot unleashes some sort of poet or a madman. If I'm mad let me know. If I make sense let me know. I'm just gonna put this out here tell me what you think.
22 years old paranoid social theorist isolationist when sober
vs
22 year old, want to do everything learn everything over for the first time stoned. I want to paint and scult, and do body work and dance, and everything is fucking human. Like some sort of battle cry to BE HUMAN is the only way to describe this intution I keep getting.
It 180's me, every fucking time. Doesn't matter how cynical I am. How pissed I am at all the things I hate so much normally. Strange hugh. Not quite sure what to do with life. I hate society in a way that I feel the only way to express that is in some kind of writing or project that strikes at the core of what society considers so sacred. I want to turn it's cynicism against. I have a thoery called nihilstic aggression. Where to win in any capitalist scenario the goal is to show the greatest nihilistic aggression possible. I could explain that further but, that's just a taste of my own epistemic world I've created. On the other hand. It's so impractical. I'm pretty sick here. I've had chronic fatigue syndrome after pnemonia and mono for 12 motnhs and it makes doing laundry even hard. Suddenly it seems I'm not so up to the challenge. I feel devoid of life all the time. The hope and wonder of my highs had changed into a sort of horror that it is of no practical benefit. But I can't live my life as a robot doing hte next logical thing. It's too tiring, too empty, I'm tired already. Every day is tirendess. I look forward to taking some valium or ambien before bed and spacing out to some music before retiring. That's about all I have left it seems. Very sad. I used to feel eden was within my grasp.
Normally I am a materialistic, marxist, athistic, nihilistic person who sees society as doomed ruled by social and behavioral systems. I study this. My brand of what I beleive to be true is to borrow from postmodernism, evolutionary perspectives, critical social theory, with a strong tendancy towards marxism and systems sorts of views.
So throw all this in the garbage. On weed I start talking about how I was never loved as a child. I tell people. "No you don't understand I'm not a real person nomrally I don't feel like a real person when I'm sober"
It's like I don't understand people normally. When I smoke weed was the first time I 'got' somebody. THe first the I had this 'reaction' I suddenly, and 3 other dudes were so high skipping in the rain comming back from a party talking like hippies. It felt so good to slur my words the way they did. I was so high, I finally understood why they 'slured' their words like that. It wasn't a slur, it was like a different way of feeling and comunicating all togehter.
So that's basically it. Every time I smoke weed. I have a very strong reaction that unburies unconscious stuff. A need for love namely. A sadness, and realization that I haven't been myself my whole life. I believe I have been dominated by a false self my whole life, only pretending, acting logical and rational to control the world around me to be safe from others.
When I'm high holy shit do I get scared. I realize they can see me. I'm not invisible I can see them. Things get very real. And I live in a state of almost solipism like detatchment with neurotic tendancy toward a machavelian charm that does indeed get results and let me schmooze well with the boozing ego based crowd.
But every time I smoke weed. I can only have what looks like externally. And I've filmed this. I sound ABSRUD. But to me at the time is SO SO Essential I express what I'm feeling. Like it's the only truth I've ever known is to know my whole life is a lie.
When I get high, an inversion happens. Sober I see the world as, this dumb fucking rock we happened to get stuck on with a lot of stupid and bad people ruled by an arbitrary system of consciouness domination arising out of evolutionary and historical and social conditions. In other words. Pointless. Doomed. Fatalistic. Detatched. Like I'm an alien put here to suffer this nonsense.
When I get high. I snap human or something. I've told maybe 5 people in a freakout session about this. I keep asking them. Do you understand me, Why don't you understand me. I just want somebody to lve or understand me.
I smoke weed, and I'm running into a lot of deep level transpersonal shit. My so called personality is revealed. I understand why nothing the false self does will ever bring me satisfaction. I want to look at someone and see them. I want to really be loved. I remembered while high, meditating, dealing with painful childhood memories and having a sense that as young as 2 I remember things being terribly wrong in the world. As if I've never lived a dman day in my life only lived in fear.
I smoked weed and wham, a realm of newfound sexual humaness stop and smell the flowers groove with the music, lets build hedon on earth sort of sensation sets in.
And just as strangely it wears off. It's like a shizoidal split but it's not. One part of my brain tells me, it's some type of strong reaction to the weed caused by it. Yet my strongest intution is to know I'm some pretty fuckign damnaged goods and weed seems like the only way out. I want to become human. Like a hippie or a child or something on weed.
But it just looks psycho nuts to people. They're like "I don't want to have to take you to the emergency room man, are you sure you're ok?"
And damnit I am.
Only on weed can I feel enough to even go there. To even cry. Like a whole emotional world. A lifetime of snapshots with no identity. I am a true shizoid.
Another memeory at 8 or so is promint of me having a birthday party. I thought I was one person the whole party, but here I am, 8 years old horrified of what I see. I hate myself. I can't recognize myself. And here it goes deeper. Doing work in front of the mirror. I don't understand myself. I don't understand what I am. This mystical stuff. Is it insanity or should I rationalize it away with a theory drug it away. Hell no.
I went 9 months without pot because I didn't have a hook up, and living at home, parnets are huge part of this. And it made things so much worse. Almost psychotic. I'm doing my 'weed' work again and it is improving. I'm trying to learn to feel again and such.
With my parents. My family is what RD liang (yes i've done my homework here) woudl call a shizoid family. I have memories of the going ballistic turning into hideous monsters emotion pouring into me like a PTSD panic attack. My parents are crazy. They are destroying at me yelling at me. I loved them, this image of them. But now they have turned into monsters who can explode. They cannot see me, or they would see what it does to me inside I beg them to stop. But they don't. All I can do is detatch, not feel to survive. Thus the shizoid is born.
And I never did anything wrong. I was a 4.0 in school I always watched the adults to look for cues on how to please them. Yet here they are crazy yelling at me and I just keep wondering. Why don't they understand me. Maybe someday somebody will understand me I keep thinking. And it's like I'm 2 or 3, some part inside of me is stuck at that age, still searching for love. Like until this 'love blockade' is done I will continue to be highly detatched cold and neurotic. I cried watching the movie AI because it was the little boys fantasy to have the one perfect day where he had his mothers love, after milenia of waiting in his conscious grave under the sea. That was my fantasy. To have that.
I remember also being bullied serverely in school. One day I snapped. I started hating everyone and still do. It's why I do social theory. To destroy people. To turn them into abstractions, irrelevencies, fatalistic, random, unimportant. Similar, grouped into the nonsense of humanity heading over the cliff.
So there is this whole shitstorm world on weed that needs to be adressed. I know it's there whem I'm in sober 'commando mode' I like to call 'him' where I deal with the world in a very aggressive proactive way. I treat people just to manipulate them. I don't care about them at all. I can't ove anyone. I can't feel fucking shit at all. Only pain. I hate everything.
And my parents. I stopped loving them at 12 or 13 no one was ever let in in any emotional sense or way after that. I would get good grades and they would say "I love you" and it would get me so bad inside I didn't want to say it. I LOATHED saying it so much because I didn't lov ehtem, nothing was ok. But I had no choice but to say I love you back. I lived in this lonely world for so long. Weed was a new way. To be human for once in my logical strange life. I felt like some sort of artistic emotional bohemina writer waking up or something. But I had some injuries and the magic faded over these 9 months.
I had wandered hoplessly in niaeve un-awake atheisim before I found weed. Finding weed was like finding the reason people smiled. I had NEVER UNDERSTOOD. Nobody ever showed me how, or that IT WAS OK. My #1 rule of survival for the past 22 years had been to never reveal a damn thing to anyone. Like waging a private shizoid war on the world.
I got stoned tonight and had another 'freakout' dunno if this resonates with anyone.
Basically I was really straight shooter, affraid to leave my comfort zone at all, thoguht drugs were bad, had not tried alcohol until 18, in college, had not tried weed until 20 ecause I thought it made people 'stupid'. How ignorant I was.
So this is my strange tale. What does it mean? Why does weed do this to me?
I know it's all over the place. But it's better that way if I just write it streamwriting, as some wierd confession as I think over my latest antics high. I realize, and feel this terrible shame over how absrud I looked. And so lonely to know they didn't understand. It only scared them. No one understood how good I wanted to be inside. All this love I wanted. This hope. To start over. Clens the sins. I get these biblical ideas and I LOATH the bible and that sort 'SHIT' normally. sober. whatever you call that strange person I am. Pot unleashes some sort of poet or a madman. If I'm mad let me know. If I make sense let me know. I'm just gonna put this out here tell me what you think.
22 years old paranoid social theorist isolationist when sober
vs
22 year old, want to do everything learn everything over for the first time stoned. I want to paint and scult, and do body work and dance, and everything is fucking human. Like some sort of battle cry to BE HUMAN is the only way to describe this intution I keep getting.
It 180's me, every fucking time. Doesn't matter how cynical I am. How pissed I am at all the things I hate so much normally. Strange hugh. Not quite sure what to do with life. I hate society in a way that I feel the only way to express that is in some kind of writing or project that strikes at the core of what society considers so sacred. I want to turn it's cynicism against. I have a thoery called nihilstic aggression. Where to win in any capitalist scenario the goal is to show the greatest nihilistic aggression possible. I could explain that further but, that's just a taste of my own epistemic world I've created. On the other hand. It's so impractical. I'm pretty sick here. I've had chronic fatigue syndrome after pnemonia and mono for 12 motnhs and it makes doing laundry even hard. Suddenly it seems I'm not so up to the challenge. I feel devoid of life all the time. The hope and wonder of my highs had changed into a sort of horror that it is of no practical benefit. But I can't live my life as a robot doing hte next logical thing. It's too tiring, too empty, I'm tired already. Every day is tirendess. I look forward to taking some valium or ambien before bed and spacing out to some music before retiring. That's about all I have left it seems. Very sad. I used to feel eden was within my grasp.
