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Surrendering to something I don't understand

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GoneWiththeWind

GoneWiththeWind

Rising Star
My psychedelic experimentation really came to a head this week. I'll start by saying that all of my DMT trips and the peaks of most strong mushroom trips involve this bird-song like chattering emanating from my psyche. It feels separate yet somehow deeply intertwined with my thoughts. There is a strong teasing, sarcastic quality to it that I can't quite put my finger on. This chattering sounds almost like human language but much too fast and none of the words are recognizable. There is an exact line that plays out almost every time but any attempt to phonetically spell out what I'm hearing is futile, it simply can't be translated.

Anyways, I was on this camping trip and took about 3.2g of shrooms and had a decent trip, the peak was not enjoyable at all as I had nowhere comfortable to lay down or feel at ease, but the comedown was great conversation with some great friends. A few hours later I smoked some potent weed with a friend and things really took a turn for the worse.

We got back to our campsite, and I began to experience these extremely intense dysphoric thought loops. My mind somehow bent the actual bird songs playing around me into that DMT language. It felt like something deep within me was torturing me which had complete access and freedom to control my entire perception. I realized at the time how silly this was but that didn't change anything or stop it from happening. I went into my tent and completely lost control of my mind. The chattering communicated to me that everyday I am living in denial of some terrible truth. I'm constantly putting on a mask to fool everyone from seeing what a hateful, spiteful person I am deep down. I was told that acting kind and showing love is not in my true nature, and no matter what I do to force it and regardless of any kindnesses I do, it will never matter. The battering was relentless and more than I could stand.

I knew intrinsically that one way to end the pain was to give in and stop resisting the taunting, but doing so felt like allowing something terrible deep into the most vulnerable parts of my internal self. I decided to give in and release my grip. I allowed myself to be taken and over and filled with this energy, I watched in awe as it took total control. I simply was no more. I just observed and watched the night sky turn into violet geometric patterns that blended perception and emotion. It was a brief moment of bliss. There was no fight left in me and surrendering felt amazing. After that all I could think of was my love for my wife.

In past DMT trips I've met the entities behind the chattering. I realize now that they are indeed real. They aren't aliens, they aren't dimension hopping jesters, they are me and I am them. They are the flow of information through my consciousness personified. They are the different facets of my personality. All of my reactionary thoughts stem from that place, they are the parts of myself behind the curtain. And the scariest part is that they were not wrong. Being kind is not my first instinct most of the time, but I try to do it anyway. It's a battle for me.

I know that if I was to sweep this all under the carpet and chalk it up to a drug experience I'd be doing myself a disservice but I'm not quite sure how to integrate this. Earlier that day I had joked to my friend not to be frightened if I cried loudly during the night. I have no idea where that joke came from, but it ended being a premonition (except for the loudly part). Everyday is filled with choices and it really is a battle for the soul.

Thanks for reading

 
WOW! I am speechless!
P.S.
Seems like you are integrating it pretty well, this post is the integration IMHO.
Such a reflection on the experience and the correct conclusions that you made!
I am happy for you!
 
There is an exact line that plays out almost every time but any attempt to phonetically spell out what I'm hearing is futile, it simply can't be translated.
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I experience this as well!
im somewhat relieved i'm not the only one tbh, and it directly relates with bird sounds too!

On smoked salvia are some of the strongest impressions of this I have recieved.

i wish i could translate it as well, it certainly retains much of that serotonergic energy and I can pinpoint it more to the serotonergics, but i have experienced the effects and general taunting feeling with the birds quite a bit.

I think that ineffable word or statement is essentially the very echoes of letting go.
It seems quite comical, however! And maybe its a word that simply describes something we can't understand.
 
That's really beautiful. Sounds like you're doing pretty well with it.

It is a struggle in an insane world to act in love, and none of us can always be there emotionally. Acting is what matters.

Be good to you, man and thank you.
 
cubeananda said:
There is an exact line that plays out almost every time but any attempt to phonetically spell out what I'm hearing is futile, it simply can't be translated.
Click to expand...

I experience this as well!
im somewhat relieved i'm not the only one tbh, and it directly relates with bird sounds too!

On smoked salvia are some of the strongest impressions of this I have recieved.

i wish i could translate it as well, it certainly retains much of that serotonergic energy and I can pinpoint it more to the serotonergics, but i have experienced the effects and general taunting feeling with the birds quite a bit.

I think that ineffable word or statement is essentially the very echoes of letting go.
It seems quite comical, however! And maybe its a word that simply describes something we can't understand.
Click to expand...

Thanks for replying! Part of the reason I made this post was to throw out a line in hopes that someone else experiences that. My line seems to make sense to me but there are no accurate words to describe it. The meaning is something like: oops, no big deal, here we go, here it is, give it back! It sounds like one thing and it’s opposite at the same time. Reassuring and teasing, real strange stuff. I’ve also heard entities bantering in perfect English but very sped up and the banter itself was amazing. Everything was a perfect one liner with perfect timing and charisma and completely hilarious. I couldn’t believe that it came from my own head.

It seems like my lesson for now is to accept that the struggle to be a good person will always be a struggle. There’s no such thing as being pure of heart and intent but we can and should control our actions.
 
What a fascinating experience! To me it seems like limited aspects of your ego tried to hold you back and turn you away from an experience completely contrary to what they typically show you - by attempting to disguise that impending beautiful experience as the epitome of themselves (those limited aspects). I can never tell if this kind of thing is old news to other people but do you know anything about Internal Family Systems?

None the less, don't beat yourself up - keep doing this self-work. There's one more thing, a book, I'd like to recommend - The Astrology of the Black Moon
 
Hi,

First off i like your nickname its from a novel i remember my dad used to mention quite often? I think you are a very expresive person, its nice you shared with us!
Hopefully your next trip will be more positive surprising and also better.
 
I've experienced this too but only once and I can really relate to this "oops, no big deal, here we go, here it is, give it back!" I'm not sure if this exactly the meaning of what it was that I experienced but what you said definitely captures the general feel (as you said, impossible to put into words)

It happened for me after drinking rue and smoking dmt several times when I was living in a caravan in the Woods during spring when the birds outside were at their noisiest.. They were so busy singing at this time that it'd literally wake me up at sunrise every day.

Anyway.. I remember it also being very dysphoric at times but also hilarious and confusing.. One moment I'd be laughing, the next crying, the next in awe and there'd be a visual element to it too which had that same flow that'd pretty much always end in a punchline in some way.

Mainly just describing this as I think this is actually a somewhat common thing within the psychedelic experience as I find quite a lot of reference to bird song in strange context within art / music made in reflection of the psychedelic experience.

That experience that I briefly described above eventually lead to a state where I could very clearly see a distinction between my body mind and soul and the thing that connects us all. I don't know if I agree that we're not inherently kind / loving. My personal belief / experience sees the opposite as true.. We are inherently kind and loving but we've come to associate more strongly with a layer of ourselves which in it's very fabric is self serving. So yes, from that particular view point it is a battle everyday to try and be kind and not just serve the self.

It's funny though that in the psychedelic experience there's often a stage that we'll encounter where we feel like we're threatened as our self or idea of self slips away or it is revealed that things are not what they seemed (The you that you think you are is not loving but the you that you really are is!) And yet when we let go of this idea of self (the part being accused of being selfish) we find the experience to be rewarding and we still feel at home within our selves if not more so.

I'm not very good with words so apologise if this has come across as rambling but I think the main point I'd like to get across is that maybe we're being mocked so as to take our idea of self less seriously so that we can let go of it and embrace our truer self. I wouldn't let the experience invalidate you to your very core, that you're only loving / caring because you force yourself to be (why would we even do that if that we're not kind / loving?)
 
Have you considered that perhaps the message was just to accept yourself for who you are? Sometimes we can get hung up on not becoming the ideal version of ourselves we wish to be and that can cause us to feel like we are failing in some way, hence why you felt like it was a battering.

I don’t think you can force love or kindness, and maybe you were recognising that if you try to then it loses it’s genuineness and does become a mask because the motivation behind it isn’t coming from a place of love, but rather the ego that says I want to be a kind and loving person and then gets frustrated when they feel like they don’t meet the high standard that’s been set.

The first place to start being kind with is yourself, the rest will follow.
 
Didn't really read the replies, just replying directly to the OP.
I'm constantly putting on a mask to fool everyone from seeing what a hateful, spiteful person I am deep down. I was told that acting kind and showing love is not in my true nature, and no matter what I do to force it and regardless of any kindnesses I do, it will never matter. The battering was relentless and more than I could stand.
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I went through the same thing but I did it intentionally with weed. My breakthroughs have never really been with DMT. In my DMT trips I don't get sucked into any holes or flung into other dimensions. For me I usually find myself in what I've been calling "the control room." I took some DMT on my birthday in February (30 now), I've been writing down my trips and that night all I wrote was "I feel new." See my journal or phone notes, you'll think, "yes you are new." For me weed or just THC is far more useful than DMT by leaps and bounds. DMT is like a plus, but I feel I understand what's happening with DMT or what it does.

Anyway for you sir, what I think is that you're starting to understand or get tired of pretending. When you're around other people and you act out of character you know you're not being honest. It's not about morality by any means, it's about real. If you don't like something say so. If you're not kind, don't be. Whatever you're feeling, feel it and don't feel bad about feeling whatever it is you're feeling. That also comes from other people and upbringing. When you act how you think you're supposed to act despite however you may actually feel. With however you feel or with whatever it is you're doing, you first have to be ok with it. A lot of the problems people have inside is because they're not committing. In other words, if you're an asshole, be an asshole because that's who you are. However, there is a trick to all this. Time and place. Say you hate your job, lots of us do. But don't be douche at work. Instead focus on the fact that you like making a living. It's like in philosophy with the dark and white horse. You're mostly dark horse it seems, but you have to know when to pull back on the black reigns and let the white horse lead. As for being who you are. It's more important to be at peace with ourselves, be ok with the parts of us we don't like because that's part of who you are. How could you not like yourself? Myself, I'm fat (on a serious come down mind you, but still fat), but if someone made fun of me for being fat, big deal, I AM FAT. I know it's not healthy, but I'm good with the fact I'm fat. Doesn't mean I can't change that about myself as I am. I don't have to like being fat, I'm just ok with it.
 
Well observed with all entities/dimensions and such being ultimately all you. Our entire universe and what we experience within in is entirely our own and other people are (our versions of them). There is fundamentally only one of us here playing the game of hide & seek for the purpose of direct experience from allness to oneness.

Its also not so wise to mix too many different substances together,(trail end or comedown is fine) because it is basically invading the medicines full potential and not respecting the medicine/teacher/plant/spirit to serve you at its best.

I also like to play and mix with energies as some substances, weed and mushrooms work very well, especially if you are a long term smoker but otherwise it clouds the experience. I personally do not even attempt weed with DMT, its a big slap in the face for me.

I like to work with one medicine at a time then once its peak over and i am naturally returning to earth, so to speak.. I find its more useful and respectable to use other medicine to help integrate or lengthen the initial medicine.

Thanks for sharing
 
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