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The Chrysalis of Transformation

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S

Shabadaha

Rising Star
Hey Everyone,
Nice place you got here.... I wonder how many people have saved themselves from going insane by simply visiting this forum? I can probably count myself amongst that number. Thank you all.

Reading stories and trip reports is one thing; an aspiring ego can take such lessons and integrate them somewhat seamlessly, and it can almost be convincing. It's no substitute, however, for the sharp and revealing process of ingesting a strong entheogen and watching 2 dimensional words and concepts spring alive with a reality that resonates to the core of all feeling and experience. In my personal experience, looking into the darkness has been one of the most intense and terrifying things "I" have ever embarked upon. I grew up pretty "locked down" in a family of ultra-conservative conformity. I love them all, but holy shit, the baggage that I have been relegated to sift through from a childhood of repression has been, to put it mildly, frustrating.

My Ego has been fighting this process of opening, of seeing, of letting go with a vehemence that I still can't even comprehend. I have been in a dark night of the soul for at least a good 13 or 14 months now, swinging between periods of insight and clarity and horrible, gut-wrenching episodes of disconnection, fear, angst, and all other soul-shaking pain. So many times I have wanted to give in, to give up the journey, to go backwards and be the happily ignorant child of earlier days. We probably all have at one time. The trickery of the Ego is astounding, through spice journeys, meditation courses, yoga, sweat lodges, it still holds a steady control over my life, albeit a shrinking control. I would never take any of this back.

The truth contained in even a glimpse of reality, of a genuine opening no matter how brief, is enough to keep me working towards a path of genuine expression and love through an entire of lifetime of darkness, if it comes to that. However, I don't think that it will. Intention holds power, and I have finally hit the point of being fed up with antiquated patterns of self-destruction and ego inflation. Though I'm scared shitless of what I'm going to ultimately find, I have finally realized the only way to proceed is to have faith that the Universe will come to embrace my soul and that my fragile and fragmented ego will find a new home amongst the cosmic embrace of truth.

At this juncture, I can feel the transformation happening on an individual level in a way that reflects the transition taking place within the cultural arena as well. Slowly, painfully, but steadily. Lessons being rehashed, and cyclical patterns leading to the same horrifying results. Only surrender remains. With grateful thoughts and a humble hopefulness, I again say thank you for your courage, respect, and heartfelt existence that you all attempt to express in a world of pain. With this essay I commit myself to that very path, for better or worse, and look forward to learning and growing with you all through this great and intimidating time to be alive.


Namaste
 
Sha, welcome to the forum. Excellent intro essay, I enjoyed reading it.

I can understand and relate to the full gamut of emotions you describe above. Like you, I also was raised in a conservative background and shedding those shackles of mental confinement takes time, patience, and courage. From your above posts, it seems like your already well on your way.

The ego is oftentimes demonized here on these forums, and I myself have oftentimes found myself seeking to slay it like a dragon. However the more I've come to my own understanding is the more I've come to see the ego as serving a valuable function. There is an anime I love called Code Geass, it's primarily about an ambitious young man with the power to give one unconditional command to anyone. In the show, he uses his power on his suicidal friend and commands him to live. This command his friend grows to hate him for, since no matter what situation he finds himself in he struggles to survive no matter how much he wishes he could die.

In many ways, I like this aspect of the story because it relates to how I view the paradoxical nature of my own duality. My mind wishes for transcendence, which comes into direct conflict with my ego's primary command to survive no matter what the cost. This brings about most of the issues you describe above, fearing what you might find and how it might effect your life. These are things the ego concerns itself with greatly, and my aspirations to circumvent the ego and go around it's functions ends up clouding my insight dramatically.

There is this channeled entity called Bashar who is all over youtube. I don't place a lot of stake in everything he says but one of the things that I've really resonated with is his idea that the ego is something to be bartered with, not torn down. Your ego is your survival mechanism, I doubt you would survive long on planet earth without a functioning one. Therefore, since the ego has such an important role in existence it isn't something to just ignore, it has valid concerns for the safety of your mechanism for life in 3D space. However, mind does know best, so I've found his prescription for making a deal with the ego to be the best avenue for further exploration. As an example, I make the bargain that if the ego will allow me to explore the inner workings of the mind occasionally, I in return will not seek out to root it out of my life as I had tried to do prior. This has been a good approach I've found, at least for myself.

The best thing I can tell you is that as these insights come to you, even the ones that seem to really disturb you, let them come and go into your conciousness as needed. Flow is a really good word here, just flow with the ideas they will sort themselves out in time. Many of the thoughts I had after first exploring were terribly hard to accept, and indeed I refused to accept many of the ideas I first had. However, given enough time, these seemingly horrid concepts (horrid to my ego) were integrated into my life and I've been greatly enriched because of it. This is another way we sort of trick our egos into cooperation: they directly benefit in this life from the insights I get from hyperspace. Just simple things about how to be more happy and live a fuller life, my ego benefits greatly from these things and since there is such an inherent reward in these experiences, my ego has an easier time letting me dig deep into the realms of the inner world.

Again, welcome to the forum. You're among like-minded individuals here :)
 
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