Space
Rising Star
Hi all, you can either go straight to the second part or read a bit of background first. I want to mention before you read this (if your brave enough haha) that I normally hate to try and explain stuff like this, or anything for that matter, because it's never one thing, you can't catch it ( but it is and can catch it) hope you know what I am and not trying to refer to. Anyway, I thought it would be nice to put what I have in the dimension I've put it in below.
hope you enjoy the read.
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Basically, (like very basically) my whole life up to 18 wasn't like any normal life, some tough shit I've stepped over, but don't know how I made it so positivily and fearlessly, and from 18, a lot changed, seriously changed, it got harder and harder, and as I looked back over my life from the age of 19, to 20 to 21 22 , I wondered whether it would get easier. Throughout all these years all the light as been on the inside, dark on the outside. I've trully reaped serious wisdom from triumpth over it all, I was never one to surrender to weakness, not like all the people around me, I'd do what ever it took, and thrived in glorious spiritual pride.
I knew peace was going to come, theres an opposite to the darkness. And it came when I needed it, a rest from the war. At 23 I flew into tokyo. Now I really don't want to go into details here, but i'll just say that it was absolutely beautiful, it was like it was all set out like a perfect movie for me, it was so personal. My heart was open again, shining awe. I had one of my best ever meditations in japan, experienced falling into a space created by a space comprising of two opposites coming together as one peacefully, this space I was tranced in; an ocean of love with patterns and colours never before experienced. I had one of my guides show me things I wouldn't dare tell anyone. I saw into the history of changes in peoples hearts, which I attempted to explain twice, on two occassions, and to two different woman, they broke down as I explained to them certain things they have and were going through, what was hurting them, showing them different perspectives much brighter than what they were seeing, and certain things to come which was going to make them happy. And I how conveyed that to a japanese person is beyond me.
Many times I danced, in trance, slowly, in loving, inside a skyscraper overlooking the neon of tokyo's night, and many times under candle light, just so much devine moments.
Intimate it was for a heart so receptive.
Three months of this releasing, cleansing me. And it c o m p l e t e l y inverted. 'Hellishly'
The last two weeks there were spent preparing myself for a war like no other, I had my guide come to me visually in a way I can't describe, to assist me in prep for what was to come, it was the final, haha .. and it was some fucking fight!! whooooaaaaaa
I don't want to mention what happened, why this dream turned, but from getting fired up for this nightmare I completely broke down upon entering it's enviroment, the reality. I seriously can't stress how much it absolutely tore deep into my already deep heart. And so I've spent since april 24th 2008 fighting. It was intense, constant, every day, like constantly fighting to hang on to light, I was working on so many levels and was in pure darkness, crawling at slow pace, with blind faith, the only light being my trust in all the wisdom I've learnt which was prep for the big one.
For about 6 month it was an everyday intensity in the war for peace, like in every present (no fucking exaggeration!!)
Attack from all directions at all points of my weaknesses.
I broke down all the time, but whilst doing so always protecting a part that would clean myself up to continue fighting.
I can't explain what it's like for me, my space to break like it did haha,, really fucking hurt. I'd be in the fucking toilet at working crying on my knees! walking down the street trying so hard to old back the never ending stream. I'd cry going to bed, in my dreams. Stood up in the dark, face against the wall, on the floor twitching from the pain in my heart. I'm just trying to convey a true sense of pain here with this.
AND so,, haha .. Anyway it cooled down a bit in a sense, I got days off. Sort of. But let me tell you this, after months of working towards a goal to get me out, all that building of a material passage out smashed!! completely collapsed, I don't want to tell you what happened, it's not appropriate, so anyway, this point smashed, and because it did so, smashed everything, I was done for, seriously that was it 'f u c k e d' ..
But.. you know what, I did something damn fucking brave, damn damn brave or maybe just because I'm determined, obsessed maybe, for the victory of peace dependant on nothingness, above all fear.
I picked myself up. And have slowly being piecing myself carefully. I adjusted accordingley. from the start of july (last month) I've being coming together, picked up those pieces! and have being piecing myself together in way far better than before (still in process).
I got to this point though lately, where I felt like I'd used all my inner resources up for readjusting. And really wasn't too sure how to go about this final readjustment to launch me to a livable plateau above all this, where all my crucial lessons have been understood for sustainable living on this plane. I knew the process required for this part which was under my scope, and has been for a long time, but couldn't make the process happen, didn't know the starting formula to ignite it. Though! ..I had a good idea of what might work, it was a possibility I had faith in..
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It's been a good few years since I went to the spaces allowed in me from combinations of plants such as mimosa, rue, caapi. It was time to return.
I've spent the last two weeks trying to bring on a deep space for assistance from these plants. four attempts. First was just a heavy caapi experience, a warm up. two attempts after almost complete fails.
The fourth..
Yesterday, I went to my mothers house to take a dog which is irriated daily with a bad eye, who lives there with no empathy from my mother for her, (sadly, she really doesn't give a shit about her).
I took this dog on a day out, it could only dream about (the only time this dog goes out of the house is when I visit).
I knew it would be a good idea for me and this loving dog to go to a place called roundhay park in the city of leeds where I live. I spent most of the day walking, relaxing, writing, and reflecting on many things and trying to get together good intentions for the nights drink. I loved it, and the dog loved it, running all over the place with no boundaries. By the end of the day, after taking the dog back, which I wish lived with me, I returned home.
At the moment I'm living in my sisters apartment which is financially better for me because I'm soon going to be living abroad. When I got home, I realised that she possibily wasn't going to be back until late, so I knew I could purge as loud as I wanted (yay) I had already cooked from the night before, and just had some rue and caapi that needed boiling down to a drinkable amount.
I had in four containers, 4g worth of rue, 30g of caapi, 20g of mimosa, and for back up, 10g of chaliponga. I felt it today, I knew tonight was the night. The closer I got to the time the more of the space I was sensing. I could sense the space that was emanating from the space of the herbs, coming from the smell, the look, it's presence was felt all over the apartment. Everything together in that apartment I perceived to be blending together, all in harmony, and it seemed to in a sense swirling in gravity to what was to come, like some door, I could feel it seeping out into my enviroment, like everything was warping into this space. And it felt so right. I knew in my heart this was right.
I walked into my room, burned a candle, got out a towl which I folded and placed on the ground for possible sick splashes and placed my sick pan on it.
I closed my eyes, and asked my guide for assistance.
"May all my guides be with me tonight, protect me, guide me in this experience to what I need which will launch me in the right direction" "May this be a perfect experience, which will exceed my expectations.. may I be surprised" "I need this.. I need it.." "..and please help me with the nausea, coz that's some horrible shit haha seriously, please try make that easier for me"
My preparation felt right, at 11:40 I stood up and consumed the caapi calm and swiftly. I then sat in the gold glow from the candle with my boji stones balancing my self calmly and fearlessly. At 11:55 I decided to take the rue, the caapi wasn't strong enough for me, I wanted to be really open for the DMT. I felt that the rue was enough literally within a minute, but waited a further 10 for it to actually kick-in enough to really feel it's effect.
"Time for the mimosa" -I got up, picked it up, and look into it for a breif moment, then downed it.
I knew it was working this time, because I felt a different process inside me in contrast to how it feels when it's not working. Can't describe it quite. I lay down, looking out for any changes. It was slowly coming on. Then it was there. Sadly with words, I can't explain the parts I really want to. Anyway this state was growing, and I was starting to go deep in, I was remembering this state, how it worked, the laws you have to go by in a sense, at one point when my awareness was really aware of this dimension to my state, I knew how I had to be, and just kept focusing on my intentions.
In this enviroment, your governed by yourself, your in your own reflection in a sense. My main guard was on the parts I refer to as fears, (which no one i've met in my life understands or sees them in the way I see them).
Anyway, in one sense/dimension of perceiving this, theres this limitless space made up of limitless giving and receiving vortexes. One sense is that this was the fabric, like the line/space between everything, but you are and not it, they give limitlessly expanding space and receive limitlessly expanding space. my perception is the space I allow, and I was seeing my preception which is created from this limitless (obviously space can't be perceived because it's got no edge/structure, but this was possible because I'm not fully released yet). A process of maturing space, is governed by what I earthiliy refer to as fear and love. positive and negative, two oppositions as one. You love and you allow, you fear and you don't allow. Open and close. But the opposite to what I've just said is that fear can allow, and love can not allow.
Anyway, I was in this space with it enveloping me more and more, and I was happy, as long as I released this space which had to expand by natural ungoverned law then I was fine, and achieved greater states the greater I allowed this space to expand. Beautiful. BUT THEN''' hahaha.. yeah, I came across a barrier from a previous bad session years ago but totally forgot, before I wasn't ready for this, and it freaked me out previously, like a suffocation haha knowing you can't get out if you wanted to, but this time F u c k t h a t I wasn't going back there, I went head on straight to work, this is what it was about, I broke through, but then it would come in a stronger wave, it was the previous fear that was still here, and I slipt into that old mental program that was under developed, that was causing the block here, but a higher more stronger me, the me now would interfer and I'd be like "no I'm fine, stay on top, ride the wave see your fine.." "shit ok, what time is it, what times that.. er,, think thats not too late, need to phone someone, need company"
It was so interesting, because this new me I'd constructed up to this present day, was watching this old me playing out, but like engaged in it, like it was me, but me the modern part in opposition to the old was amused from this fear. like a child wanting to run from the fear to a sanctuary, but this fear is the sanctuary when you don't fear it. The fear, a friction caused from not allowing space. The fear came and went, I was controlling it more gradually. Voices from my higher me, but yet a different being -"You promised yourself you wouldn't do this.." as I was trying to find a phone book underneath my sisters bed which was hidden somewhere in these alien like formations. "you said you wasn't ever going to let it defeat you..." I was coming through "what am I doing?.." This scared child started to expand into a higher state of myself. "I still feel like shit though haha" the nausea was one of the main waves that was hard to process, this of what I'm now refering to nausea as, was like all these fears inside which had broke, and like shit, needed to be flushed.
I thought, "well I don't want to lay down on that bed, the space there was too much for me at this point". I was debating whether I should go for a walk, possibly drop by my mothers house if she was awake "I could say I got locked out of the house" haha I thought well it would be nice to sleep in the company of the dog I really cared for.
I would step in my room towards my bed then out in the space of the hallway to see the contrast of space/gravity. "stay or go?" when I went towards my bed it was like going into a portal. Normally my rooms space is pretty spacey, my meditation spot on my bean bag and my bed spot, but my bed spot is where I don't normally work, I sleep on my problems, so that spot was more of a challenge when sensing this space as receptive as I was that night. I couldn't even go near some of my crystals for long, particularly this ultra clear piece of amethyst I have. I felt like I was going to black out in my room.
In the corridor I decided it would be good to go for a walk. And interesting. In the process of getting ready, I went past the toilet and got a sense I might be sick "no do it in a sec" "shit, ok I'll do it now" I was 3 steps away from the toilet and couldn't make the third, that stuff exploded from the bottom of me to the surface of the entire toilet and wall in a what seemed to be the duration of a blink. I projected 3 times. "well,,, I must say, I feel better" but it intensified, but I had more control. The visuals changed at this point.
I washed my mouth under the tap, and stood resting against the sink head down in closed eye trance. This is the point where my primary guide came in clearer voice, but not like a normal voice. Like a structure of space which was communication which had dimensions vast, one of those dimensions was easily understood -"now you see, imagine just unplugging everyone, releasing them instantly" "it can't be done.." "yeah.. people must release gradually.."
The visuals in closed eye were c r i s p, serisouly, don't remember seeing anything like it, and what was also interesting was the frame rate, more frames to how I normal see life. It was so smooth, when I closed my eyes these gorgeous blue neon things would be there, they had a nucleus kinda spot, which looked like an eye. many would go outwards, but the bigger ones would go inwards to the centre, 3 big ones (I think). but there formation was amazing, when I closed my eyes these blue points would smoothly glide into the middle. It would of been nice to let that space go deeper, but I still thought it was a worthy idea to go for the walk.
As I walked out I thought it amusing that I was actually doing this, something I would never do, but felt I'd be ok. It was easier than I thought it would be to walk, my legs seemed weightless, moving automatically which was interesting. I felt quite tall too.. and seem to have this big space on my shoulders. My eyes seemed to be like 2 huge holes in my head. As I walked, there were still some cars about which slightly made me anxious, I felt like I was naked, open somehow, and they could see my big round saucer eyes. As I walked, wondering if I looked natural, the sounds around me seemed to stretch, and I noticed new patterns of sounds. It was so alien like, I saw this space inside me through everything, I saw it from that dimension, I can't describe it, I saw this life giving/receiving space in everything. It was always there, but it's normally too far out to notice it. Walking I thought was a good idea, I always think well when I walk, and that's what happened, I started to get a lot of needed insights into my life. Exactly what I needed, they'd play out to me in clips. At these points they were like shown, but in ways I can't describe, but some just like my usual kinda insight ways. I started to really love it, like seriously feeling liberated, and as I walked, I had the biggest smile that I couldn't wipe from my face, it was vast. I would go into to some deep points occassionally which were like blackouts, and what I noticed when warping back is that I was breifly in slow motion, very nice.
I crossed over a field at one point, and thought it would be nice to stop in the middle of it and take a look around, so beautiful. I noticed a car go by as I brought my head out of the sky and this amused me, it must look so funny to see some guy at that time at night just stood still in the middle of a field looking like he'd just been abducted haha
and that's another thing too, my humour in my head was awesome, I was like back to my old self in the way I used to think, feel and be, it was nice to revisit that.
In that field a female presence came clearer to me, she had already been there showing me things, but now the insights were getting really beautiful, I realised this experience is exactly what I needed. This female continued to show me things and explain them, she was so enthusiastic and compassionate, but wise as. I was shown by my primary male guide that this woman was it's opposite part, and they both depended on each other. Like + and -. It was communicated and shown to me how these two primary guides where my higher parts, but yet completely seperate, I was also a part in them which they need to release for greater space for them and me, but this goes more dimensional, everything I just said and have mentioned up to this point has different perspectives that are endlessly contradicting, even though endlessely factual. Most of the wisdom I already knew in my normal state, but the new perspectives I was seeing brought out a greater understanding which I needed. I wish I could remember everything, but there was so much.
I thought to myself, "carry on walking for a bit, or head to my mothers house?" if the lights on then I should be ok to go there (a part of me really wanted to see the dog, and because of my love for it, I just had to go and see it)
haha.. "yeah the lights on, ok, I just lost my key so i'll have to stay here.." knocked on the door.. she unlocked it, I went in and she was like "where have you been?? what are you doing? are you on that stuff?" (my sister had returned home and found the sick I failed to fully wipe down haha shes one for Really exaggerating shit, and told my mother on the phone that there was sick all over the flat, on her bed, in the living room, and all over the bathroom wall and floor haha (the cat had decided to throw-up the same night as me. I literally had just a bit of sick on the toilet floor which i don't know how she noticed)
"well.. this wasn't a cool idea.. can't say I got locked out now can I haha.." "SO, what are you doing wondering about at this time!?? Haha I could see her point and plus after the story from my sister and plus my mothers really negative mind.. "me.. ahhrr,, just felt like going for a walk" -"at this time!!??" ...yeeaahh..mmm just felt like getting some air.. haha
I didn't want to look her in the eyes coz then she'd really freak if she saw how fucking huge and alien they were. But remembered she didn't have glasses on and wasn't going to be able to see them properly. (my mother thankfully is someone that's been acceptable with what I do, and knows I'm spiritual, she perceives herself to be in her own way too, but seeing me on the stuff she didn't like. One of the lines she said I found really amusing, it's such a predictable one "your trying to escape reality" -bless her
I wasn't para or anything, just really calm, I couldn't talk at the pace she was at. So I left, there was no use, she was too pissed off, but that's my mother. At this point on the way home the female guide came in again to talk to me, at this part in the trip it took more of a serious note, but not dark, I was shown some very usefull things here, and felt so blessed for it, my prayer really did come true.
Almost at home, I turned a corner, and saw a huge gang of what we in england refer to as chavs, they were running from something, then started to turn and go back. At one point I was on walking beside them from across the road. I found it quite amusing at the thought that of all nights, I see this many of them in this defenseless state. I couldn't be arsed getting kicked in as I floated by like some alien vessel. I walked on, and further in front, on their side of the road there was a few young girls that looked about 14 drunk out of there minds, and there was a guy there, like spining her about or something, (not hallucinating this haha) I didn't really understand what was happening there, but noticed an ambulance coming up the road so it should of been ok.
Once I arrived home, my sister was in bed, during the walk I felt it would be a good idea to talk to her, even though a part just wanted to drop deep on my bed. I was just wanting to apologize for chucking up in her bathroom, but instead, ended up having my sisters primary guide drop in, she was showing me things about my sister which I passed on to her, I was there for like a straight hour doing it, sometimes I would get kinda emotional from it, it wasn't me though in a sense. Like a part of me was acting as a speaker who could understand this communication. I saw an image of my sisters primary female guide, she had like a white face which is all I could see, but there was more to it which was hard to hold on to.
When in these states of explaining the messages to her, I saw some amazing colours and shapes. It was kinda surreal doing what I was doing. Eventually this state was closing down, and I left to write some messages for myself the next day. In my room I saw the most stunning visual when I closed my eyes, there was no colour i've ever perceived like it in life, it was so fluorescent and neon like. Eventually I turned the light off and lay with a smile. Wish it lasted.
The next morning I felt a bit uncomfortable that I had that experience with my sister, like I felt vulnerable from it. Maybe just scared that I opened up my heart in that way. I felt changed the next day, for better.
This experience was A m a z i n g. It was so nice to feel like me again. Not something I cshould do everyday, but will definitely revisit when I feel I should. Maybe in a month, maybe in 2, could be in two week, it was just so helpful, a real blessing that did exceed my expectation. Next time I'm not going out anywhere, it was good for that experience, but I like the dark.
One of the visions I was given by my female guide during this experience was of myself drifting in the dark almost lifeless, with my source of faith almost dry, I was shown in yet another undescribable way a vision of this experience happening as if from the past, but not from the persective from this life, and how it was like a wall I bounced off back towards the light, my old spiritual me, but in a new way. This experience was going to happen, it was planned out.
Enjoy your journey, love for you all.
hope you enjoy the read.
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Basically, (like very basically) my whole life up to 18 wasn't like any normal life, some tough shit I've stepped over, but don't know how I made it so positivily and fearlessly, and from 18, a lot changed, seriously changed, it got harder and harder, and as I looked back over my life from the age of 19, to 20 to 21 22 , I wondered whether it would get easier. Throughout all these years all the light as been on the inside, dark on the outside. I've trully reaped serious wisdom from triumpth over it all, I was never one to surrender to weakness, not like all the people around me, I'd do what ever it took, and thrived in glorious spiritual pride.
I knew peace was going to come, theres an opposite to the darkness. And it came when I needed it, a rest from the war. At 23 I flew into tokyo. Now I really don't want to go into details here, but i'll just say that it was absolutely beautiful, it was like it was all set out like a perfect movie for me, it was so personal. My heart was open again, shining awe. I had one of my best ever meditations in japan, experienced falling into a space created by a space comprising of two opposites coming together as one peacefully, this space I was tranced in; an ocean of love with patterns and colours never before experienced. I had one of my guides show me things I wouldn't dare tell anyone. I saw into the history of changes in peoples hearts, which I attempted to explain twice, on two occassions, and to two different woman, they broke down as I explained to them certain things they have and were going through, what was hurting them, showing them different perspectives much brighter than what they were seeing, and certain things to come which was going to make them happy. And I how conveyed that to a japanese person is beyond me.
Many times I danced, in trance, slowly, in loving, inside a skyscraper overlooking the neon of tokyo's night, and many times under candle light, just so much devine moments.
Intimate it was for a heart so receptive.
Three months of this releasing, cleansing me. And it c o m p l e t e l y inverted. 'Hellishly'
The last two weeks there were spent preparing myself for a war like no other, I had my guide come to me visually in a way I can't describe, to assist me in prep for what was to come, it was the final, haha .. and it was some fucking fight!! whooooaaaaaa
I don't want to mention what happened, why this dream turned, but from getting fired up for this nightmare I completely broke down upon entering it's enviroment, the reality. I seriously can't stress how much it absolutely tore deep into my already deep heart. And so I've spent since april 24th 2008 fighting. It was intense, constant, every day, like constantly fighting to hang on to light, I was working on so many levels and was in pure darkness, crawling at slow pace, with blind faith, the only light being my trust in all the wisdom I've learnt which was prep for the big one.
For about 6 month it was an everyday intensity in the war for peace, like in every present (no fucking exaggeration!!)
Attack from all directions at all points of my weaknesses.
I broke down all the time, but whilst doing so always protecting a part that would clean myself up to continue fighting.
I can't explain what it's like for me, my space to break like it did haha,, really fucking hurt. I'd be in the fucking toilet at working crying on my knees! walking down the street trying so hard to old back the never ending stream. I'd cry going to bed, in my dreams. Stood up in the dark, face against the wall, on the floor twitching from the pain in my heart. I'm just trying to convey a true sense of pain here with this.
AND so,, haha .. Anyway it cooled down a bit in a sense, I got days off. Sort of. But let me tell you this, after months of working towards a goal to get me out, all that building of a material passage out smashed!! completely collapsed, I don't want to tell you what happened, it's not appropriate, so anyway, this point smashed, and because it did so, smashed everything, I was done for, seriously that was it 'f u c k e d' ..
But.. you know what, I did something damn fucking brave, damn damn brave or maybe just because I'm determined, obsessed maybe, for the victory of peace dependant on nothingness, above all fear.
I picked myself up. And have slowly being piecing myself carefully. I adjusted accordingley. from the start of july (last month) I've being coming together, picked up those pieces! and have being piecing myself together in way far better than before (still in process).
I got to this point though lately, where I felt like I'd used all my inner resources up for readjusting. And really wasn't too sure how to go about this final readjustment to launch me to a livable plateau above all this, where all my crucial lessons have been understood for sustainable living on this plane. I knew the process required for this part which was under my scope, and has been for a long time, but couldn't make the process happen, didn't know the starting formula to ignite it. Though! ..I had a good idea of what might work, it was a possibility I had faith in..
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It's been a good few years since I went to the spaces allowed in me from combinations of plants such as mimosa, rue, caapi. It was time to return.
I've spent the last two weeks trying to bring on a deep space for assistance from these plants. four attempts. First was just a heavy caapi experience, a warm up. two attempts after almost complete fails.
The fourth..
Yesterday, I went to my mothers house to take a dog which is irriated daily with a bad eye, who lives there with no empathy from my mother for her, (sadly, she really doesn't give a shit about her).
I took this dog on a day out, it could only dream about (the only time this dog goes out of the house is when I visit).
I knew it would be a good idea for me and this loving dog to go to a place called roundhay park in the city of leeds where I live. I spent most of the day walking, relaxing, writing, and reflecting on many things and trying to get together good intentions for the nights drink. I loved it, and the dog loved it, running all over the place with no boundaries. By the end of the day, after taking the dog back, which I wish lived with me, I returned home.
At the moment I'm living in my sisters apartment which is financially better for me because I'm soon going to be living abroad. When I got home, I realised that she possibily wasn't going to be back until late, so I knew I could purge as loud as I wanted (yay) I had already cooked from the night before, and just had some rue and caapi that needed boiling down to a drinkable amount.
I had in four containers, 4g worth of rue, 30g of caapi, 20g of mimosa, and for back up, 10g of chaliponga. I felt it today, I knew tonight was the night. The closer I got to the time the more of the space I was sensing. I could sense the space that was emanating from the space of the herbs, coming from the smell, the look, it's presence was felt all over the apartment. Everything together in that apartment I perceived to be blending together, all in harmony, and it seemed to in a sense swirling in gravity to what was to come, like some door, I could feel it seeping out into my enviroment, like everything was warping into this space. And it felt so right. I knew in my heart this was right.
I walked into my room, burned a candle, got out a towl which I folded and placed on the ground for possible sick splashes and placed my sick pan on it.
I closed my eyes, and asked my guide for assistance.
"May all my guides be with me tonight, protect me, guide me in this experience to what I need which will launch me in the right direction" "May this be a perfect experience, which will exceed my expectations.. may I be surprised" "I need this.. I need it.." "..and please help me with the nausea, coz that's some horrible shit haha seriously, please try make that easier for me"
My preparation felt right, at 11:40 I stood up and consumed the caapi calm and swiftly. I then sat in the gold glow from the candle with my boji stones balancing my self calmly and fearlessly. At 11:55 I decided to take the rue, the caapi wasn't strong enough for me, I wanted to be really open for the DMT. I felt that the rue was enough literally within a minute, but waited a further 10 for it to actually kick-in enough to really feel it's effect.
"Time for the mimosa" -I got up, picked it up, and look into it for a breif moment, then downed it.
I knew it was working this time, because I felt a different process inside me in contrast to how it feels when it's not working. Can't describe it quite. I lay down, looking out for any changes. It was slowly coming on. Then it was there. Sadly with words, I can't explain the parts I really want to. Anyway this state was growing, and I was starting to go deep in, I was remembering this state, how it worked, the laws you have to go by in a sense, at one point when my awareness was really aware of this dimension to my state, I knew how I had to be, and just kept focusing on my intentions.
In this enviroment, your governed by yourself, your in your own reflection in a sense. My main guard was on the parts I refer to as fears, (which no one i've met in my life understands or sees them in the way I see them).
Anyway, in one sense/dimension of perceiving this, theres this limitless space made up of limitless giving and receiving vortexes. One sense is that this was the fabric, like the line/space between everything, but you are and not it, they give limitlessly expanding space and receive limitlessly expanding space. my perception is the space I allow, and I was seeing my preception which is created from this limitless (obviously space can't be perceived because it's got no edge/structure, but this was possible because I'm not fully released yet). A process of maturing space, is governed by what I earthiliy refer to as fear and love. positive and negative, two oppositions as one. You love and you allow, you fear and you don't allow. Open and close. But the opposite to what I've just said is that fear can allow, and love can not allow.
Anyway, I was in this space with it enveloping me more and more, and I was happy, as long as I released this space which had to expand by natural ungoverned law then I was fine, and achieved greater states the greater I allowed this space to expand. Beautiful. BUT THEN''' hahaha.. yeah, I came across a barrier from a previous bad session years ago but totally forgot, before I wasn't ready for this, and it freaked me out previously, like a suffocation haha knowing you can't get out if you wanted to, but this time F u c k t h a t I wasn't going back there, I went head on straight to work, this is what it was about, I broke through, but then it would come in a stronger wave, it was the previous fear that was still here, and I slipt into that old mental program that was under developed, that was causing the block here, but a higher more stronger me, the me now would interfer and I'd be like "no I'm fine, stay on top, ride the wave see your fine.." "shit ok, what time is it, what times that.. er,, think thats not too late, need to phone someone, need company"
It was so interesting, because this new me I'd constructed up to this present day, was watching this old me playing out, but like engaged in it, like it was me, but me the modern part in opposition to the old was amused from this fear. like a child wanting to run from the fear to a sanctuary, but this fear is the sanctuary when you don't fear it. The fear, a friction caused from not allowing space. The fear came and went, I was controlling it more gradually. Voices from my higher me, but yet a different being -"You promised yourself you wouldn't do this.." as I was trying to find a phone book underneath my sisters bed which was hidden somewhere in these alien like formations. "you said you wasn't ever going to let it defeat you..." I was coming through "what am I doing?.." This scared child started to expand into a higher state of myself. "I still feel like shit though haha" the nausea was one of the main waves that was hard to process, this of what I'm now refering to nausea as, was like all these fears inside which had broke, and like shit, needed to be flushed.
I thought, "well I don't want to lay down on that bed, the space there was too much for me at this point". I was debating whether I should go for a walk, possibly drop by my mothers house if she was awake "I could say I got locked out of the house" haha I thought well it would be nice to sleep in the company of the dog I really cared for.
I would step in my room towards my bed then out in the space of the hallway to see the contrast of space/gravity. "stay or go?" when I went towards my bed it was like going into a portal. Normally my rooms space is pretty spacey, my meditation spot on my bean bag and my bed spot, but my bed spot is where I don't normally work, I sleep on my problems, so that spot was more of a challenge when sensing this space as receptive as I was that night. I couldn't even go near some of my crystals for long, particularly this ultra clear piece of amethyst I have. I felt like I was going to black out in my room.
In the corridor I decided it would be good to go for a walk. And interesting. In the process of getting ready, I went past the toilet and got a sense I might be sick "no do it in a sec" "shit, ok I'll do it now" I was 3 steps away from the toilet and couldn't make the third, that stuff exploded from the bottom of me to the surface of the entire toilet and wall in a what seemed to be the duration of a blink. I projected 3 times. "well,,, I must say, I feel better" but it intensified, but I had more control. The visuals changed at this point.
I washed my mouth under the tap, and stood resting against the sink head down in closed eye trance. This is the point where my primary guide came in clearer voice, but not like a normal voice. Like a structure of space which was communication which had dimensions vast, one of those dimensions was easily understood -"now you see, imagine just unplugging everyone, releasing them instantly" "it can't be done.." "yeah.. people must release gradually.."
The visuals in closed eye were c r i s p, serisouly, don't remember seeing anything like it, and what was also interesting was the frame rate, more frames to how I normal see life. It was so smooth, when I closed my eyes these gorgeous blue neon things would be there, they had a nucleus kinda spot, which looked like an eye. many would go outwards, but the bigger ones would go inwards to the centre, 3 big ones (I think). but there formation was amazing, when I closed my eyes these blue points would smoothly glide into the middle. It would of been nice to let that space go deeper, but I still thought it was a worthy idea to go for the walk.
As I walked out I thought it amusing that I was actually doing this, something I would never do, but felt I'd be ok. It was easier than I thought it would be to walk, my legs seemed weightless, moving automatically which was interesting. I felt quite tall too.. and seem to have this big space on my shoulders. My eyes seemed to be like 2 huge holes in my head. As I walked, there were still some cars about which slightly made me anxious, I felt like I was naked, open somehow, and they could see my big round saucer eyes. As I walked, wondering if I looked natural, the sounds around me seemed to stretch, and I noticed new patterns of sounds. It was so alien like, I saw this space inside me through everything, I saw it from that dimension, I can't describe it, I saw this life giving/receiving space in everything. It was always there, but it's normally too far out to notice it. Walking I thought was a good idea, I always think well when I walk, and that's what happened, I started to get a lot of needed insights into my life. Exactly what I needed, they'd play out to me in clips. At these points they were like shown, but in ways I can't describe, but some just like my usual kinda insight ways. I started to really love it, like seriously feeling liberated, and as I walked, I had the biggest smile that I couldn't wipe from my face, it was vast. I would go into to some deep points occassionally which were like blackouts, and what I noticed when warping back is that I was breifly in slow motion, very nice.
I crossed over a field at one point, and thought it would be nice to stop in the middle of it and take a look around, so beautiful. I noticed a car go by as I brought my head out of the sky and this amused me, it must look so funny to see some guy at that time at night just stood still in the middle of a field looking like he'd just been abducted haha
and that's another thing too, my humour in my head was awesome, I was like back to my old self in the way I used to think, feel and be, it was nice to revisit that.
In that field a female presence came clearer to me, she had already been there showing me things, but now the insights were getting really beautiful, I realised this experience is exactly what I needed. This female continued to show me things and explain them, she was so enthusiastic and compassionate, but wise as. I was shown by my primary male guide that this woman was it's opposite part, and they both depended on each other. Like + and -. It was communicated and shown to me how these two primary guides where my higher parts, but yet completely seperate, I was also a part in them which they need to release for greater space for them and me, but this goes more dimensional, everything I just said and have mentioned up to this point has different perspectives that are endlessly contradicting, even though endlessely factual. Most of the wisdom I already knew in my normal state, but the new perspectives I was seeing brought out a greater understanding which I needed. I wish I could remember everything, but there was so much.
I thought to myself, "carry on walking for a bit, or head to my mothers house?" if the lights on then I should be ok to go there (a part of me really wanted to see the dog, and because of my love for it, I just had to go and see it)
haha.. "yeah the lights on, ok, I just lost my key so i'll have to stay here.." knocked on the door.. she unlocked it, I went in and she was like "where have you been?? what are you doing? are you on that stuff?" (my sister had returned home and found the sick I failed to fully wipe down haha shes one for Really exaggerating shit, and told my mother on the phone that there was sick all over the flat, on her bed, in the living room, and all over the bathroom wall and floor haha (the cat had decided to throw-up the same night as me. I literally had just a bit of sick on the toilet floor which i don't know how she noticed)
"well.. this wasn't a cool idea.. can't say I got locked out now can I haha.." "SO, what are you doing wondering about at this time!?? Haha I could see her point and plus after the story from my sister and plus my mothers really negative mind.. "me.. ahhrr,, just felt like going for a walk" -"at this time!!??" ...yeeaahh..mmm just felt like getting some air.. haha
I didn't want to look her in the eyes coz then she'd really freak if she saw how fucking huge and alien they were. But remembered she didn't have glasses on and wasn't going to be able to see them properly. (my mother thankfully is someone that's been acceptable with what I do, and knows I'm spiritual, she perceives herself to be in her own way too, but seeing me on the stuff she didn't like. One of the lines she said I found really amusing, it's such a predictable one "your trying to escape reality" -bless her
I wasn't para or anything, just really calm, I couldn't talk at the pace she was at. So I left, there was no use, she was too pissed off, but that's my mother. At this point on the way home the female guide came in again to talk to me, at this part in the trip it took more of a serious note, but not dark, I was shown some very usefull things here, and felt so blessed for it, my prayer really did come true.
Almost at home, I turned a corner, and saw a huge gang of what we in england refer to as chavs, they were running from something, then started to turn and go back. At one point I was on walking beside them from across the road. I found it quite amusing at the thought that of all nights, I see this many of them in this defenseless state. I couldn't be arsed getting kicked in as I floated by like some alien vessel. I walked on, and further in front, on their side of the road there was a few young girls that looked about 14 drunk out of there minds, and there was a guy there, like spining her about or something, (not hallucinating this haha) I didn't really understand what was happening there, but noticed an ambulance coming up the road so it should of been ok.
Once I arrived home, my sister was in bed, during the walk I felt it would be a good idea to talk to her, even though a part just wanted to drop deep on my bed. I was just wanting to apologize for chucking up in her bathroom, but instead, ended up having my sisters primary guide drop in, she was showing me things about my sister which I passed on to her, I was there for like a straight hour doing it, sometimes I would get kinda emotional from it, it wasn't me though in a sense. Like a part of me was acting as a speaker who could understand this communication. I saw an image of my sisters primary female guide, she had like a white face which is all I could see, but there was more to it which was hard to hold on to.
When in these states of explaining the messages to her, I saw some amazing colours and shapes. It was kinda surreal doing what I was doing. Eventually this state was closing down, and I left to write some messages for myself the next day. In my room I saw the most stunning visual when I closed my eyes, there was no colour i've ever perceived like it in life, it was so fluorescent and neon like. Eventually I turned the light off and lay with a smile. Wish it lasted.
The next morning I felt a bit uncomfortable that I had that experience with my sister, like I felt vulnerable from it. Maybe just scared that I opened up my heart in that way. I felt changed the next day, for better.
This experience was A m a z i n g. It was so nice to feel like me again. Not something I cshould do everyday, but will definitely revisit when I feel I should. Maybe in a month, maybe in 2, could be in two week, it was just so helpful, a real blessing that did exceed my expectation. Next time I'm not going out anywhere, it was good for that experience, but I like the dark.
One of the visions I was given by my female guide during this experience was of myself drifting in the dark almost lifeless, with my source of faith almost dry, I was shown in yet another undescribable way a vision of this experience happening as if from the past, but not from the persective from this life, and how it was like a wall I bounced off back towards the light, my old spiritual me, but in a new way. This experience was going to happen, it was planned out.
Enjoy your journey, love for you all.
