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The humble beginnings of my journey through hyperspace

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Spatial Dementia

Spatial Dementia

Rising Star
Greetings my fellow psychonauts. I've been reading these forums for a while now, but it's taken me some time to register. For reasons that will be made clear in this topic I finally made an account. Here's my story.

Part 1

I've been a psychonaut for about 18 months now. My first real psychedelic experience was after a friend had returned from Amsterdam, and had brought some shrooms home. So shortly afterwards, he, another friend and me took our first real plunge in what would become an essential aspect of my life. I had eaten shrooms once before a few years earlier, but it hadn't really done anything to me then. Maybe I hadn't eaten enough, maybe they just hadn't been any good, maybe the circumstances hadn't been stimulating enough, I'll never know. Either way, there I was, hoping this time would turn out better. And surely it did. After consuming the goodies, the three of us gathered in a dark room, with a projector which we used to play Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. It didn't take too long for us to realise that we weren't paying too much attention to the film, being too absorbed by everything else round us. So we loaded up some music, with the movie still playing on the wall. All of a sudden I started laughing uncontrollably. Not because anything funny had happened, but just because I had stopped taking everything around me for granted: the colorful visuals of the film, the music (goddamn the music sounded soooo great), and just about anything else I focused on would intrigue me in a way that made me appreciate it all so much more. We had some more great hours together, filled with both silly laughter and serious philosophy. After the effects had worn out, I went home, determined that this was something I would delve deeper into.

My next experience was on a festival. Remembering how awesome the music sounded the first time, I wanted to experience this in a party setting. I've never had so much fun on a festival until then. Everything was perfect: the weather, the performances, my companions, and of course my outfit. I decided to dress up as Raoul Duke, complete with the signature hat, sunglasses and cigarette pipe. I even took on the man's odd behavior, and many strangers on the festival found it hilarious. After a great night, I went to sleep satisfied, content that I'd had a blast, and had made some people laugh to boot.

The third time would be different. I decided to have an introvert experience, all by myself. I had fasted the entire day, ate the shrooms around 6PM, and already started feeling their effects around 15 minutes later. I put on some Shpongle, which I had known for a while, but had never heard on a trip. This combination of shrooms + Shpongle would shake the foundations of my beliefs, and set into motion an ever-ongoing quest for understanding. It was only then that I truly, deeply started respecting psychedelics. My living room turned out to be the perfect place to trip: without going into much detail, suffice to say it's a large space with lots of glass and mirrors, colorful yet subtle lighting (including two spotlights that slowly change color, which made the room feel like a living, breathing organism), exotic plants, zebra patterns, and plenty of other stuff that I will never regard in the same fashion again. And the music, oh god the music! As I mentioned above, I'd known - and loved - Shpongle for some time, but after hearing them on shrooms they were elevated to a divine level. Their music sounded like the soundtrack to the universe, to everything that ever has been and ever will be. I was so absorbed by its many layers of both mundane and alien sounds that everything else ceased to exist in my mind. It was like I could just tune in and become one with it. I would move along with it, seemingly without any effort, as if the music was pulling my strings, taking me along on an epic journey through another dimension, a place where the everything meets the nothing. Up until then I thought psychedelics just altered perception of an otherwise absolute reality. That day I realised the reality we percieve is just one of endless possibilities. This was the way to trip, I decided. That day, psychedelics turned from a sort of party drug into a wise and humbling teacher.

This is only the beginning. There's more to tell, but I need to do some worldly things now, so check back on this thread, it will be continued.
 
welcome, SD. yes, i enjoy psychedelics in many different venues, especially festivals, but alone at home is always the most intense and fruitful for me. looking forward to reading your future experiences.
 
Part 2

So even though after my last experience shrooms were no longer a party drug to me, I did use them on another party occasion. It was an indoor electro event, and I was expecting to have as much fun as I had on the festival. It turned out to be a huge disappointment, but nonetheless one from which I yet again learned a great deal. First and foremost I realised that festivals are not the same as indoor parties. Whilst on psychedelics, an essential condition (at least to me) is that I need to feel at ease at all times. I like to have everything I could possibly want during my trip immediately at hand, so that when I feel a need for it, not too much effort is required. These are simple things, such as a relaxing joint, a sip of cool water, or being able to sit and rest my feet for a while. If it takes too much effort, I tend to stress out and become so focused on this one thing that I stop enjoying myself until I get it. Anyway, these conditions were not met at this party. Because it was a big event with many different halls, there was a huge audience, so there were waiting lines everywhere (at the entrance, halls, bar, toilets...), the halls were so crowded that you almost couldn't move, resulting in an insanely hot temperature, and to top it off there wasn't a single place to sit. To have a moment of coolness, you needed to return to the main hall, meaning you had to wait in line another 30 minutes to enjoy the shows again. I'm sure I don't need to explain the horrors of standing in a tightly packed waiting line whilst tripping. It was the exact opposite of a festival, where you can just go from show to show as you please, find some less crowded areas, and take all the time you want to chill on the cool grass, toke a joint, and just appreciatingly observe everything going on. Completely disgusted by the anti-chillness, me and the friend I was there with left the event around midnight, returning home on foot, determined to have a grand adventure on the way. It took us two hours, and we had (lots) more fun on that walk than we had inside.

So despite of not having enjoyed the party, I am still grateful for this experience, for it taught me the importance of a chill setting and the right mindset. My previous experiences had all been very positive, and it was only through having a negative experience that I realised what constitutes a good one. Psychedelics by themselves are not a guarantee for a good time (as opposed to hedonistic drugs such as ecstacy, which I've done years ago but now consider to be too easy). Whether one has a good time or not depends almost entirely on what one makes of it, how one shapes the experience and how one handles it. Psychedelics require some effort from its user, and this made me appreciate them even further. Only the worthy will reap the full rewards. It might be a bit elitist, but in this case I believe that to be a good thing. Having learned this, I knew that I was still not worthy enough. I'd had some fun and revelations, sure, but I was certain there were still many lessons to be learned; pieces that, once fallen into place, would result in an even more mind-blowing psychedelic experience, which would in turn result in a better understanding of myself and all of existence. I felt like my quest had only just begun, and this amazed me, for the possibilities seemed infinite.

Then came the ban on shrooms in the Netherlands, where I had always got them from. I still remember the feeling that came over me when I heard that news. A feeling of unjustness, as if I were robbed of one of my vital organs. Up until my discovery of shrooms, I would occasionally go through periods during which I just wasn't motivated to keep going. The shrooms had put me on a lifelong quest for enlightenment, and I've never felt depressed ever since (PS: I've since discovered other motivations too, so it's not like I solely live my life from trip to trip, but it's the shrooms that were the turning point, and for that I am forever in their debt). The psychedelic experience had had such a huge positive impact on my life, I would not simply give it up because some ignorant authority had decided for me that "psychedelics = drugs, drugs = bad, ergo psychedelics = bad". So the moment the opportunity arose, I got myself some LSD.

Obviously, to be continued...
 
"All of a sudden I started laughing uncontrollably. Not because anything funny had happened, but just because I had stopped taking everything around me for granted"

Well said..that was absolutily beautiful:d
 
Part 3

I had my first LSD trip at the same house I had my first mushroom trip, with the same friend. It was a warm and sunny day, and we’d settled on the flat roof to catch some sun. I'd scored some hits from a guy with whom I was sharing an Anthropology course. The insights I gained from this specific course play a pivotal role in the way this trip would play out. Being the year of Darwin, the professor had centered his lessons on evolution. Of course I already knew the basic ideas behind evolution, but this course would delve deep into much more detailed, much less widely known information. Whereas the combination of mushrooms and Shpongle had shaken the foundations of my beliefs, this next combination of LSD and my newfound knowledge would completely shatter those foundations.

Whilst on acid, I could see/hear/feel the energy vibrating around me, inside me. All that exists is just some form of energy, and I felt connected to all of it. I looked at plants and saw them growing before my eyes. Birds were singing in much the same way their many ancestors had done before them, eventually causing these birds to exist today. I saw all life for what it was: bacteria, competing against each other to consume the energy around us and change it into something more useful. Parasites. And we’re all here thanks to the parasites before us. We’re all behaving like we do simply because life behaving like that effectively produced offspring - thereby genetically transferring that behavior - whilst life behaving differently did not. We’re all here just by accident, because long ago the conditions in this little place in the universe were so that some molecules managed to replicate and haven't stopped since. Nothing set all of this into motion besides a gigantic hunger to live. There is no goal in life besides blind reproduction, no higher force besides the forces of nature, the vast unity of energy. But what at first felt like a reason to despair, would eventually turn out to be the most liberating revelation I’d ever have.

The trip lasted for quite a while. After about 6 hours I was getting bored by it, but it was still running sadistically strong, like a train storming through me. Later I was even getting annoyed by it. Then I got afraid I would never be able to think normal again, and only be able to undergo the overwhelming reality raining down on me. I started cursing the acid for trapping me inside my own mind, vowing that I'd never do this to my brain again. Luckily, the effects eventually wore out, but to this day, this is still something I seriously dislike about LSD. It just takes way too long to wear out, and eventually turns into a monotonous burden. Nevertheless I've come back to it quite some times. But my love/hate relationship with it has only intensified, in both ways.
 
Excellent posts SD! Man you guys make me so jealous with your writing skills! Such an ability with words that I don't seem to have.
I've always found chemicals to have that chemical edge to them. Mescaline lasts way longer than LSD, but is much easier to take imho. The most floored I have ever been though was from a large dose of mushrooms. Stronger than acid, stronger than mesc. Not stronger than dmt, but so long lasting and so far out there, that it was much harder to deal with. Of course, I haven't tried oral dmt yet, so we shall see!
Great story, keep it up, and welcome to the Nexus!
 
Part 4 - Ayahuasca

I see it's been a year and a half since I last posted my experiences. I'll have to update my story since much has happened since.

Despite my love/hate relationship with LSD, I've had quite some more experiences with it, both in private and social settings, and I've become capable of largely dismissing its negative effects such as paranoia. I now know very much when the time is right, when mindset and setting align in such a way that only psychedelics can unlock that feeling of "meant to be"-ness. Lately I'm having difficulties finding good acid, but that makes it all the more rewarding when I finally do. Besides, in my experience doing LSD too frequently takes away much of its magic. I've definitely come to appreciate it a lot and look forward to the few times a year I use it.

But as I mentioned above in this thread, my journey had only just begun. After reading these forums, I had obviously become fascinated with DMT. I still haven't done an extraction yet (since I'm currently sharing a house and I this is something I'd rather do when I have a place on my own) but I have done quite a few ayahuasca sessions.

As with many other people, my first few aya tryouts were failures, but I was determined to keep trying. And I'm glad I did. Because once I got the hang of it, I had discovered a teacher unlike any I'd ever had before. Whereas shrooms and LSD trips were mostly directed outwards, ayahuasca went completely inwards. Ayahuasca's visual and auditory effects were much weaker compared to other substances - almost absent even - and at first this disappointed me a bit. The reason I loved psychedelics so much at the time was because of their ability to amaze my sensoral perception as if I were a newborn child, and this horrible tasting tea just didn't seem to do such a thing. But after I got more acquainted with the stuff, a whole different kind of amazement was to reveal itself to me.

I was shocked not by my surroundings nor my perception of them, but by my thoughts. During my aya sessions, I would become aware of all kinds of things that I would normally do/think subconsciously. I began analyzing all these thoughts and actions. I began questioning them, questioning my entire personality, and by extension life as a whole. It dawned on me that most of our thoughts/actions indeed happened automatically, as governed by our selfish genes. Once more I felt - rather than simply understood - Darwinian theory of evolution by natural selection in action. Free will seemed almost non-existant in this cosmic game of struggle, survival and reproduction.

At first it was a hard pill to swallow that we are bound by our evolutionary history, that there is no escaping the program - and its inherent limits - we are born in. But over time, I've developed a profound gratefulness for these limits, for it is they that allow the exploration through the senses of the wonderful ecstacy that is existence. And I owe this appreciation completely to psychedelics, and going too far with them. I've had my share of high doses, including an aya session of 15g mimosa. The best part about these journeys isn't the time spent on the other side (in fact that part can be quite horrific); the best part is the return to this side. When I'm having a hard time during an experience and I feel like perhaps I've taken a bit too much, I am always so happy when the world slowly starts making sense again. That experience of having your mind and preconceptions completely shattered and then built up again from scratch, piece by piece, has now become the part I most appreciate about psychedelics. It's as close to rebirth as I'll ever get.

I'd like to end this update with a McKenna quote I've found to be particularly relevant:

"I'm not saying that there's something intrinsically good about terror. I'm saying that, granted the situation, if one is not terrified then one must be somewhat out of contact with the full dynamics of what is happening. To not be terrified means either that one is a fool or that one has taken a compound that paralyzes the ability to be terrified. I have nothing against hedonism, and I certainly bring something out of it. But the experience must move one's heart, and it will not move the heart unless it deals with the issues of life and death. If it deals with life and death it will move one to fear, it will move one to tears, it will move one to laughter."

So much for my ayahuasca update. Next update: cactus!
 
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