TGO
Music is alive and in your soul. It can move you.
The Lone Bumblebee
My life lately has been full of ups and downs and I was feeling more and more like I needed to hit that reset button. After much deliberation with my girlfriend, we decided that I should (could) go solo on this one. As mentioned in other mushroom reports, I felt as if I wasn't going as deep as I would like to which we felt was happening because I was simply not letting go enough. It seems as though I would get so caught up making sure our combined trips went perfectly that I would miss out on the true intensity of my own experience.
I honestly think that I was distracting myself "accidentally on purpose", afraid to go too deep while potentially leaving her behind to fend for herself. Looking at it now, it is so silly. She is perfectly capable of handling her experiences on her own, more open and equipped than me actually. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I would put myself in that "sitter" mindset, mentally blocking myself from the true depth.
This is something I am working on and this solo journey helped me come to terms with a few things. I'll always have somewhat of a "sitter" mindset because I'm a worrier by nature, but I think that next time we journey together I'll be able to set that aside. We are learning and growing together, and that is all I could ever ask for.
Now, onto the report:
For whatever reason, I decided to mix 3.6g of dried golden teachers with 12g dried tampanensis stones. Ground them up into a powder, mixed it in OJ, allowed it to sit for 20 minutes and then gulped it down. This was shortly after waking up so it was on a completely empty stomach.
Exactly one hour later I began questioning the intensity because seemingly nothing was happening yet. I told myself to relax and give it more time and as I did that I felt a shift in perception and was hit with my first incomplete vision. Like stumbling halfway into a dream, I saw myself at work reliving an exchange of heated words between me and a co-worker from the day before...I instantly snapped back out of it, instinctually fighting it...
"what was that...?" I asked the ceiling fan. The ceiling fan said nothing.
I usually have something on the TV or music playing for the first hour to help get over or distract me from the come up. I had Futurama playing as it is one of my "comfort shows" or one that I've seen so many times that I know it inside out and yet never get tired of it. Anyway, the point is that the show became very quiet, like it was playing underwater or something...I could hear it but it seemed to mean nothing and my attention was focused everywhere else.
Again, I was hit with another strange, but brief and incomplete vision in which I quit my job and walked out the door calmly as my boss' face gaped in surprise. Snapping out of it again, I sat up quickly and felt the mushrooms move uncomfortably around in my belly. This was another strange thing as I have never really been nauseous from shrooms before. Keep in mind, at this point, the visions that hit only lasted about 5-20 seconds at this point. With the stomach churning I needed to focus on something else...
As I was sitting there, I pulled out my acoustic guitar and strummed a few chords. I've been learning how to cover Chicago's "If You Leave Me Now" so I strummed through that song a bit which was very soothing.
However, things were getting heavy, literally. I felt weighed down as if gravity had somehow increased on me specifically. I had to put the guitar down as it was getting a bit hard to function, the visuals were starting to swell and increase in intensity, paintings morphing, floor wiggling like silly worms. The hair on my arms and legs seemed especially hairy and it was like I could see each individual one in high definition. Amusing as this was I needed to get up and move around.
I wanted to go outside and enjoy a tobacco ceremony. Tripping is the only time we allow ourselves to smoke. It was a beautiful day outside, somewhere between 75-80 degrees and sunny. Now for some reason, an overflow parking lot was built behind our house for the apartment complex next door but the only way to access it is by driving through our driveway. We have our backyard blocked off by a locked fence so people can't just walk right up to our back porch but still I feel like this was horrible planning. I always felt like it must violate some sort of zoning law but who knows... Not to mention when we moved in, the landlady said we could block it off. That was a lie. Right now we don't have a car but when we get one, people won't be able to go back there anymore unless they drive over the curb....anyway, just giving some background information...
I stepped outside and as I did, a guy came around the corner to get in his car...tripping pretty hard and not wanting to have conversation with strangers essentially in my backyard, I pretended not to notice him and began picking up twigs from the porch and tossing them off the side. I then sat down on the stairs and waited for the guy to leave.
As I continued to sit on the step, the beauty of everything around me was immense but another feeling was creeping in too: sadness. I couldn't quite put my finger on where it was coming from but it was like all the recent stress in my job has been weighing heavily on my shoulders and I guess I've been pushing it aside. The mushrooms would not allow me to push it aside...I was forced to sit there and contemplate why I was feeling the way I did. Tears welled up as I tried to make sense of what I am doing with my life. I shouldn't be sad. I have a beautiful woman who loves me unconditionally, a decent home to live in, a steady, albeit stressful, source of income, a family who cares...I even recently repaired a broken relationship with my dad.
I came to the conclusion that I'm not dealing with work stress in a positive way and need to find a new outlet to relieve it. I don't always talk about it and shove it aside, bottling it up. It is clear that that is not working and I already knew that. So I have two options, quit and start fresh or continue pushing forward and try to find new ways to manage the stress. It is a work in progress.
A lot of things to think about but I'm glad it happened this way.
As I sat there feeling down, I noticed a bumblebee. The bumblebee was flying from flower to flower seamlessly, living and existing in perfect harmony with it's surroundings. I couldn't help but be enthralled with watching it. This bumblebee lifted me out of my funk and made me realize that I needed to be more like it. The world is my field of flowers and perhaps it is time that I start exploring it more. The bumblebee was somehow symbolic, serene, perfect, the epitome of elegance. A welcome change contrasting my sadness. The bumblebee caused a shift in perception, not unlike that very first one at the beginning of the trip. That was the interesting part of this experience, it came in what seemed like very specific waves of varying information and emotions.
With the mood lightened, I stood up and walked to the other end of my porch. Ever since they built the fence, the mowers have not mowed the backyard so it has become overgrown. We don't own a mower because we rent this place and they would always cut the grass. Anyway, looking out into the yard, I noticed a whole active collection of bumblebees, about 25 of them all jumping around and collecting from the many little purple flowers. I stood and watched this for what seemed like forever. The bees were perfect and I thanked them for that. It was really beautiful and I'm sure that to the casual passerby, I looked like some gawking idiot staring at the grass. I didn't care though, it was just me and my bumblebee friends. Black and yellow bundles of joy, reminding me of how gorgeous the simple things in life can really be.
It dawned on me that if someone were to cut the grass, they would destroy a whole little ecosystem and probably get stung. So now I'm torn between getting it cut for aesthetics or preserving my bumblebee haven...I mean some of the plants growing back there are nearly 2 feet tall....all these thoughts were tumbling around my brain when I realized I was standing in direct sunlight and the back of my neck was quite hot. I decided to go inside and collapsed on the living room couch.
This is where the peak took place. I can't remember everything but I was hit with wave after wave of intense visions. My brother is graduating high school today (the trip was yesterday) so those thoughts were zooming around playing out all sorts of different scenarios. Several work related visions popped up again all meshing and blending into one very strange dreamy trance-like state. As mentioned in the beginning, I haven't really allowed myself to go deep but this was exactly what I had been seeking. I was slipping in and out of reality with profound thoughts here and there.
With all these weird work visions I said,
"I'm always at work, even when I'm here...I know you can't tell but I'm at work right now!"
I got a good chuckle out of that for whatever reason. As I was chuckling a loud siren cut through the air, apparently a large fire had broken out somewhere and for the next ten minutes or so all I could hear was the piercing whoops and hollers of emergency vehicles. Once that passed I heard what sounded like a large truck pull up and slow down across the street from the front of my house. I peaked out the window and sure enough, A large truck towing a bulldozer had parked across the street. I went outside to get a better view.
Mind you, it was about 5pm at this time so traffic was zooming on my street. I thought I'd get a kick out of watching this old guy unload this big bulldozer. It was incredibly dangerous, cars were nearly crashing into each other and this guy almost got hit several times. He had no orange cones in place and was clearly unlawfully unloading this thing on the middle of a busy street.
To top everything off, a cop car comes zooming around the corner and pulled over this couple in a Pontiac Sunfire. The sunfire people pulled over right behind the unlawful truck guy. As soon as the cars stopped the cops jumped out and ran up to the car, ready to draw their weapons.
Unlawful truck guy saw this happening and quickly packed up and booked it out of there like there was no tomorrow. It was so intense! After a few minutes I went back inside full of exhilaration, I had forgotten that the mail was in my hand. The utility bill was opened to find that it was only $103.00 for the month!!
So the combination of unlawful truck guy, the sunfire speeders, and the low utility bill gave me some sort of huge relief....large waves of happiness surged through me and I ran around the house thanking the universe for such a big win...I know it seems like little things but in the state that I was in before all that, it was greatly needed.
This is where the peak ended and I couldn't have been more thankful for the strange roller coaster ride I was on. I made some food and relaxed in the bedroom until my GF got home from work. I quickly fell asleep shortly thereafter...
So this experience has definitely given me a lot to ponder. I"m still trying to make sense of all the visions and emotions but that will come in time. For now, I have to get ready for my brother's High School Graduation, it is such a big day for him!
Thanks for reading, I know these get a bit lengthy sometimes! hehe
Much
-The Grateful One-
