EquaL Observer
Ross
This whole thing is about 10000 words, I think to really get a grasp of any experience of this scale, a full reading is necessary. I will label the different sections so that you can read whatever your interested in, but I do recommend the whole thing. I wrote it up for hours on end for a few days after the experience and it's ordering isn't the best, it is the usual type of work I produce after an LSA experience, intense rambling is the norm. It involves many, many things, you could even read it like a book, come back to it later after a break etc.
The Lead up from my stance and the I-Ching
It’s doubtless that I have to write this up before any real attempt at my university work can be made. Writing up a document which has been wrote up before countless times and shares no connection with me is quite difficult to get started on. This however, has the utmost importance to myself despite how widely rejected it would be by all the anti-“drug” people out there who are utterly clueless about the legitimacy of these experiences.
So it was a couple of days ago that this all started. A few days before this, I had started experimenting with, or consulting, the I-Ching. From what I made of the hexagrams I had rolled, I needed to act and false pride and other misconceptions would hold me back, If the right helper is found, all is well. The day after this, I met a friend on the train, who I only ever see on the train or around the station, he has a learning disability and a lot of people find him intolerable due to him approaching them without pre-knowledge of each other and encouraging conversation about X-box and other things he was interested in. To the modern person, an approach like this is unheard of and it can be markedly embarrassing and uncomfortable, these feelings create a projection of dislike and annoyance towards the one who approaches.
I myself, the first few times meeting with this boy sometime last year was quite depressed and anxious and simply could not be bothered with any conversation never mind any from this strange character, who would be very loud when discussing things which bring discomfort to those close-by like sex or drugs. His unawareness was child-like. However, I bore no resentment towards him, he could not help it and I did my best to affirm to him that it was myself and my mood that was the problem and not himself.
As time went on my annoyance grew and then diminished as my anxieties disappeared through the psychedelics and my writing. I found myself accepting him as a friend and discussing psychedelics, what they have done for me and the various misconceptions linked to it. He had mentioned before and continued to mention experiences with weed which I was unsure whether or not to believe as they may have just been attempts to make connections with me which did not in fact exist, but I keep all options open as I have no real idea where he has been in life. I mentioned how so-called “disabilities” or mental “problems” actually have the potential to be gifts which can be used for forms of self-expression unavailable to others. He mentioned how his reading, writing and mathematics were indeed hindered by his condition but he was very good at video games and making practical connections, building things was an example. I thought of a Scrubs episode were a doctors autistic son could create very well-done things with building blocks.
So the day after the first I-Ching consultation, I met him on the train as I was late for university. He mentioned how someone he knew died after taking LSD and jumping out of a window, again, I did not know whether to believe him or not. He also said he had tried LSD. I briefly mentioned that we could get together and try the seeds which I had mentioned (Hawaiian Baby Woodrose). He said perhaps and then later in another discussion he asked if I was available on Sunday for the event, I said I was, though later I realised I had work (which I never attended but that’s for later in the story). We said it would be another time. So perhaps I had found a helper, though I’m still unsure of whether he will respond to the seeds well and his extravagant impractical conversation skills diminished or whether they would be extend further by some bad reaction and misconception. He could possibly be changed afterwards in a way which renders him more socially inadequate or less. But I think that nonetheless he would see a creative outburst.
I again rolled the I-Ching that night after observing thunder and rain outside (the two constituents of the previous hexagram). I took this as a sign even though the oracle had said it would be useless to proceed further so fast. The hexagram depicts modesty as being the way forward and is used to “cross the river”. I realised that in my conversation with others I should not claim or give off vibes of superiority and that I should remember my lowly place. Others would react better to this and it will save me from harm.
The next day I was on time for university for the first time on a Thursday in a while. I expected to meet Michael, another friend I got the train last year to college. We have known each other since primary school and we used to engage in philosophical conversation at a young age. He had told me at this young age that we had lateral thinking minds. I was proud of this fact and indeed that pride has hindered my social ability somewhat recently. I expected to meet him, but I had no real means to expect this other than It was the train which got me to college on time last year and he was still (as far as I was aware) at college.
Behind him was a girl I had a thing for talking to a friend, so I sat next to Michael for the time being, knowing that I could speak to her when the others had left the train. Michael has had a bizarre mental structure since a young age, anger issues and other psychic complexes. He was on pills at the time which seemed to work well, he said they somewhat disabled the unique abilities his mind had been blessed with, intelligence among other things I don’t know fully about. I mentioned how I understood this from the pills I was on during my anxious phase, I felt blank, not caring, not the real me, yet a more socially acceptable me. I told him how the pills were only prescribed because he was unacceptable to society and its functions at that time and recommended the seeds I had given him some months beforehand. He said he would use them after a week off his pills when he had the chance. We said, jokingly, that one day we would probably work together and run the world.
I now somewhat regret the heavy recommendation. I think he would be considered psychotic, a history of violence. I do think however that all the negative social consequences of his complexes are not due to him on his own but due to people’s reactions towards his complexes. Their ignorance and misinterpretations cause bad social function between them and Michael and this spurs his anger and violence towards them. In an understanding world where talents are utilised to all lengths, this would not be a problem. I do believe that he has great shamanistic potential, but I did not think about the social consequences of awakening this until recently. The psychosis caused by the social friction could be boosted through the roof. If he was to do them, I would have to be there for him and in a setting we are both comfortable with after completely shedding all thought of other people who bring him discomfort. I will tell him this next time I see him, and I do think that he would bear no resentment towards me for my somewhat perverse interest in the psyches of those around me.
I think that those who have lost the most, or who feel like they have lost the most, have to the most to gain from entheogens. Those with mental-complexes, I have not had any experience with. But others, who I have noticed problems in, who also sometimes have a difficult time with cannabis use, tend to have life-changing or at least revelation-full experiences. People who find cannabis very hard to handle in a social setting, ending up quiet, introverted and generally socially unacceptable seem to be afflicted by an inner-voice when high which tries to speak to them of the problems it sees in them. It seems to be they are being called to the high psychedelics for confrontation of these problems and indeed, in 3 cases I have personally experienced now and other cases which I presume to have happened, this seems true.
So I will now go on to explain what happened on Friday through to Sunday in which I will detail as much as I currently can about one of the cases above, however, the report will not be specifically about this but many other things including the I-Ching, Synchronicity, Astrology, love, sexuality and the unconscious processes which drive us all together and show us our various views on everything.
Shorter Term Lead Up
On the Friday of this week, my train journey times and little decisions lead me again to small social meetings with friends, I met my friend Danny in a bakers when I got off the train for university. We ate our food, had a cigarette and he told me about his recent jail-time dodge among other things including a friends empty house he had the next day where people would be getting a smoke. I had not been out in about 3 weeks or smoked weed in a while and I felt a remarkable urge to get back with the program now that I had less university stress and also because the I-Ching had brought to the surface that it was for the best. I also met my 2 other friends after deciding to go to the bank and get a haircut in a certain place where I used to spend much time. The bank was to charge me £39 for and unplanned overdraft of £2, I found this unfair and it seemed to me that if I threatened to leave, they would remove this charge, and I was right. These 3 days of short meetings with friends I think was a result of my unconscious leading me to be more social. This unconscious drive was put in me by the I-Ching.
So I texted some people and my friend Rosie who I had been thinking about the past 2 days as I had not heard from her in a few weeks. No one was up for a smoke that night but Rosie and I arranged to meet in town the next day at 1pm to go to the market, smoke some weed and eat some seeds, or whatever came about. Since it was my wish to eat some HBWR, I grinded them up with some pliers and put them in gel capsules. I put 7 in 3 gel caps for each of us, a borderline high dose trip.
Now, I’m perfectly aware that people dislike reading pointless information. But all the activities leading up to the trip are all perfectly relevant due to the outlook that was set upon during the trip. The very detailed synchronicity can be seen easily and by all in some cases and in others it requires knowledge of Jungian psychology and some imagination. I invite you to read on, though the invitation may not even be necessary.
We met at Half 1. Rosie told me that we were to meet our friend Annie outside a shop and that we could go to a family event of Rosie’s that had free food and drink. I was slightly disappointed we would not be eating seeds, because of the selfish reasons of my interest in her psyche and the not so selfish reasons of wanting to help her psyche. Nonetheless, it could be fun, I was no longer a heavy drinker as I used to be (1 to 3 times a week, to get drunk, without fail for 3 or 4 years, increasing use as time went on) but I didn’t have to drink.
We met Annie and we discussed the plans, and they 2 discussed their own matters and we made our way to a small market in the city which sold illegal DVDs, stolen things and a mix of legitimate and illegitimate goods. I asked if it were possible to eat pills tonight, very strong MDMA tablets which they had said were very good. They said it was and we would see about that later on. It had been a while since empathogens and since being stoned and tripping isn’t so good for family events, why not?
We we’re to meet another friend, Dominique at the barras but we could not find her as her phone had ran out of battery. I bought a wooden monkey for £1 from an African woman and a glass bong for £20. Rosie and Annie bought a ring each which covered 2 fingers and said “LOVE”, Rosie also bough cigarettes and a DVD “Social Network”. Rosie had bought a bracelet earlier on, purple with a shiny metallic stone on it, she got a t-shirt later as well. We walked past all sorts of jewellery, from tacky modern stuff to spiritual tribal stuff
Dominique bought a new phone and we managed to meet her after visiting some wallpaper shops. We ate at Burger King. Despite my recent efforts at healthy eating I bought a chicken wrap, probably one of the more healthy options, but still not so good. Annie and Rosie bought Chinese and the 4 of us sat reminiscing and joking. After the meal, I and Rosie went to the toilets and then to Hamleys, a massive toy shop, I talked to her about make-up and gender roles and how they are embedded in us from childhood images, adverts and people’s reactions toward us, she did not like the ridicule of make-up. On the way down the escalator I pointed out a large stuffed toy camel with a name tag which read “Nikki”. Rosie’s cousin who invited her to this family event which she knew not what it was about was called Nikki, a minor coincidence we thought.
We met Annie and Mini (Dominique) outside, 2 and 2 became 4 and we made towards the train station. We ran into Ruby, who was shopping for her mother’s birthday present, she said she didn’t like her mother, she was with her sister who was very young but we all thought her to be similar age to Ruby and just a friend. We departed and soon after Mini left us at the Station to go home. 4 became 3. We went and got a bus to Rosie’s flat to drop off her stuff, call a bag of weed and then make our way to Peacocks she would collect owed money and he’d attempt to get us the pills we desired. On the bus, Rosie and Annie listened to an I-pod on two seats and I sat behind, at one point, pointing out 3 televisions with insides ripped out and what appeared to be paper-mashie teeth crafted onto the bottom and top of where the screen should be, creating a very monster-like artistic effect. I pointed this out to the girls and Rosie said something along the lines of “Thanks for pointing that one out Ross, love you for that” in her seriously silly way which I was accustomed to.
We got off the bus and Annie remarked on how she couldn’t wait to see Peacock. We walked towards Rosie’s flat and Annie said “I thought we were going to Peacocks?” Rosie corrected her and we moved on. Upon entering the flat Annie suddenly decided and stated that she would just go to Peacocks now and we’d see her later. Rosie showed me some pictures that had been developed by her friend thinking that they were her own pictures, turning out to be Rosie’s. There were ones from about a year ago where we had the most amazing night on some speedy MDMA pills and alcohol on the streets on some suburbs. We had walked fast as we both like to do, for the last train to go to my house to crash. We missed it and thought fuck-it; we’d walk around all night and get up to some antics. Shortly after the decision we ran into 3 or 4 older men, around 24 or so with bottles of Buckfast (A tonic wine containing a lot of caffeine created by the monks of Devon and drank by anti-social teenagers in Scotland). We all smoked weed and had a laugh before me and Rosie left to go and stay at the flat she was currently living in with her mum and sister. On the way we were very messed up and utterly joyous at the bizarre night we had had. We sat at a church and prayed for a bottle of Buckfast to appear to us, scraping tobacco out of our pockets for a roll-up. We both loved this night and I was very happy to see photos from it.
I used the toilet and on sight of the toilet roll I remembered the new toilet roll my dad had bought for our house. I thought it might have been called “Nikki” but wasn’t sure, I told Rosie this and mentioned the Camel. The paper was perfumed and I had thought my new diet made my shit smell really nice before realising this.
We got to Peacocks flat after failing to get a hold of any cannabis. 2 and 2 again became 4. Peacock went out and bought some food and a bottle of Buckfast we had requested, Rosie and I paid half and half for it. She had no change, so I paid and I was promised it back later. We laughed and got a number for pills, Annie called him, and his name was “Billy Face-Melter” called this because of his Ketamine use. He was out his face, scrambled and Annie could hardly get sense out of him, eventually we got an address and set off there. It was up a big hill and we passed 2 people seemingly intoxicated in an alley. Billy came out the flat looking disorientated and asked if we wanted ket or pills, we said pills and he said “Ughh, ohhh, I don’t have them, they’re in my flat, this is my girl friends place”
Annie wasn’t planning on dropping, but myself and Rosie were quite disappointed, especially Rosie. What an unlucky day for drugs. So we set off to a park to drink our drink before the event. There was a full moon, or so I thought. Rosie and Annie both said there was a bit missing, they agreed it was a small portion on the bottom right, I then seen this. We sat on a platform in the middle of some ladders which led up to a slide. Rosie pointed out a hand grasping the shoot structure in the shadow projected on the ground below by the moon.
We sat, talked, drank and smoked for about an hour. I talked about shamanism, some of my experiences and Schizophrenias possible relationship to it and how it is shunned as a bad thing in modern society but embraced back in the day. I wondered how long it had been about for, how and for what reason did it become part of human DNA.
We finished our drink and set off to the family event, unsure of what it was actually for and where it was exactly. After a bit of uncertainty we realised where it was and walked past to see Rosie’s family inside. Rosie became uncertain of whether we should go in, it looked quite smart casual/smart and we were very casual. I was wearing joggies. Soon enough her dad came out and they talked about who invited her and if we were coming in. We decided we would and went in apprehensively. I was met with some uncertain faces; there were about 15 men and 1 girl. I had met some of the guys before at one of Rosie’s parties in an old flat she shared with her dad; her dad was out for some time so she invited some family and friends up for a drink, there was also some cocaine and cannabis. After a bit of time we decided on what we were having to eat and were given some pints of beer, it was all free. Our square table consisted of Rosie, Annie, Nikki and I and it was soon discovered it was Nikki and his brothers Birthday Party. I think they are twins; Nikki’s brother was the manager of the place and was making sure everything was good, it was lovely. Soon enough I was drunk and chatting away to some people and smiling. Eventually some people left including the 1 girl and Rosie’s dad. Goodbyes were said and hugs given. Annie sat and drew a Birthday card on a napkin. The toilets had thick paper towels, lovely hand wash and lotion. The music was also really good. Jagermeister bombs were soon out by the many and we all proceeded to get very drunk. I was really feeling Rosie’s family’s vibe. We continued to attempt to get pills, offering to pay for Billie’s taxi home so he could get them. It failed. I was also texting Jen, a love interest, very drunkenly and quasi-romantically.
We left around, god knows what time, about 2am, and Annie went off home, 3 became 2. I was to be staying at Rosie’s, leaving early in the morning to go home, get work stuff and go to work. We met Rosie’s girlfriend, Rochelle, outside a flat round the corner from Rosie’s flat as we tried to get some drugs. Before we met her we seen some strange stars, which were probably fireworks, they were orange and floated magically across the sky. We liked it. I was very drunk and loving it, I felt perfectly sober due to everyone around me the whole night continuing to progress at the same level, but still aware I was intoxicated. We met Rochelle and continued to Rosie’s flat, 2 became 3 again. 3 became 5 as outside were 2 boys and we asked them for weed dealer numbers as they looked the type. They were the type and we tried some people, getting numbers from one of their phones. There was a small (10cm?) rectangular table outside with one of the corners cut off, I think at this time I was thinking of Jung and how 4 is the symbolic number of psychic totality in dreams and the table represented the non-fullness but these thoughts may have been during the trip. The other boy was quiet and I was not paying much attention to him, it’s quite blurry. After calling some numbers stating I was Jordan’s mate and looking for cannabis and being rejected, the quiet boy had a dramatic outburst.
So this was the beginning of the insanity. He shouted something like “STOP TALKING ABOUT ME!” and lunged himself towards me in sheer emotion. I jumped back and ran around a car to escape him, I thought I seen him pull out a knife, there was a shiny object anyway. The boy was in some pure primal emotional state and there was confusion in the air. No one had said anything to him specifically since we had met. I shouted to Rosie to get my bag and open the door, she was confused and not really getting the picture, she picked up my bag and threw it to the side, *SMASH” went my bong. I said something like “Naw, not throw it! Fucksake man, get the door open”. The boy’s friend held him back as he burst into tears. Sheer emotion coursed through him and I could feel him. We are not sure if Rosie gave him a hug or if this was a picture that formed in the trip symbolising her sympathy. At the time I held no hate toward the boy, I said to his friend “Look after your pal man, sorry about this”. We went inside the flat still full of adrenaline.
Rochelle must have felt out of place and confused, the whole situation was bizarre and I was in a flurry complaining about my bong and speculating on what the fuck just happened. So she left and again, 3 was now 2. We called more people looking for weed and some boys who were at a club said they’d come up with MDMA, Ketamine and Cannabis after the gig. In frustration, drunkenness and confusion I stated I was going to eat the seeds, a fuck-it mood in the greatest sense of the term.
Rosie said she would too; we both ate 3 capsules, 7 seeds each. It must have been about half 3 or 4am. After this, time is lost, the trip began, it was to be something that neither of us could have ever expected.
The Trip
Time was lost and this is by no means a direct order of what happened, but I’ll do my best. Everything said here is from my perspective and tries to describe Rosie’s perspective though this should be taken with a pinch of salt as only she can really explain it as it happened to her. She said she will write up a report, though.
We lay on the carpet and I could feel nausea about to ensue, the emotional effects began to kick in, or perhaps it was just the alcohol. Somehow we ended up talking about my psychological view of Rosie. She asked to hear what I thought. I was apprehensive as it was just stuff that I had thought over time by intuition and experience of her character but at the same time it might be ultra real and personal for her. After a bit of time, I told her. I don’t remember the exact words but basically it was something about the reasons why she was a lesbian, her connection to her mother, father and men in general and her whole life outlook. This caused her to break down to tears saying “I wasn’t expecting that”. I felt so sorry, I realised I had the potential to cause this all along but did not know whether it was amplified by the seeds or drink. She said it was okay and we talked about her view of what was said and why it had struck home so hard. We hugged and I consoled her.
I think it was around this time that Rosie went to be sick for the first time. I started to wander about the house being very concerned, feeling bad about what I had just caused and anxious about what was to happen next. I asked through the door if she was okay, she said she was fine, or perhaps, if not at this point at another point in the nausea stage “Just getting my demons out”. Later Rosie said she heard me running about like a little woodland animal being protective over her, I thought this was a good comparison.
Whilst running about in this manner, images of the 3 legged tables outside went through my head and this gave me a sense of possible danger, there was a battle going on in Rosie’s psyche and I had projected it into the physical domain acting as a protector or a median between the two battling sides.
She came out looking fragile and sensitive. We lay in her bed for a while talking about what had happened, she explained to me why what I had said hit her so hard. It turned out I was very right and she confessed to me a big secret very few people knew about or would fully understand. I won’t mention it, but it was to do with her relationship towards her Animus or the expression of the inner-male personality which projects itself and gives the relative opinions on the males in one’s life and is also created by the males in one’s life. She told me she couldn’t believe she had told me this but felt great that she had. Around this point she was running around the house frantically looking for her phone, I did the same, I knew that she was running away from all the unconscious ideas and the dark side of her psyche which had been unleashed into the room around us. I found her phone in her bed and she was relieved.
I told her how vulnerable I felt. She asked what I meant and I told her I felt that what I would say may be judged. I may not have felt that way but was just looking for confirmation that there was no bad vibes. She said “Ross, I want you to never feel that way around me”. This whole conversation went on as she continued to frantically clean dishes using only her hands and no scrubber. I pointed this out to her and she said “What, I’m just doing the dishes” I found this hilarious and started laughing. She said something like “I just never know what I’m doing half the time” I said we should sit down and chill rather than continuing to deny what had just happened.
I think she vomited some more before going to her bed and curling up facing the wall. I walked around the house in the manner that I had been doing. Thinking that this may be the end of it and I should just lie down to sleep on the couch. But no, she was scared, I was scared, we were both psychologically naked so I went to the bedroom and kind of shyly said “Do you want to talk? Can I come into bed?” With relief she said yes and we lay in bed together and started to discuss things which had happened. I mentioned how I thought the guy who had freaked out at me earlier picked up on a vibe I was giving out simply by just being and that he was very intuitive. She denied this idea saying “No way, No way!” but then later decided that he was very pure and his emotions were so real. We both proclaimed our sympathy for him and how we wanted to talk to him. What had happened in his head? Who is this boy? Is this normal for him?
Rosie said that the event was a sign for us of the danger and psychological explosions ahead. My visuals were starting to take over, it was weird, I thought it would never come with the amount of alcohol in my system which always tends to numb visuals and trips in general. The visuals developed strangely, not the usual direct detail, they were flawed and wavy as if fighting the alcohol, or perhaps the alcohol was leaving my system to make room. Rosie’s trip was more psychological, fuelled by the seeds and the heart pouring conversations we had.
We got very emotional and were feeling each other’s hands and rubbing noses. She said she thought she had cat eyes, our pupils were massive. We agreed that we had both never felt so connected to another person in our lives. She said she had always known that I had known about her. I said I always thought about it whenever she acted in a certain way which made her easily readable to me. We realised all these connections between us, like praying for Buckfast at the church and how she had suggested that day to climb the slide so we could drink our bottle of Buckfast which we both went half’s on. The big slides shape and the fact that we were inside it symbolised the church and the wine our sacrament. The hand in the shadow grasping the slide was the hand of god giving us the Buckfast.
After talking about a lot of different connections, some I remember and will list later, others are lost, others are half way. Like we realised there was a connection between us and smoking, it was so true but now I don’t understand.
We spoke of the psychedelics, how she understood them now and what they can do, we discussed how we could do anything and that we would never starve, the privilege of living in advanced society and all the negative side effects and frustrations which make themselves apparent in the crumbling psyches of modern man.
As we talked, I felt my Anima being restored. A cognitive hallucination was developing in my mind which would only come to the surface when Rosie decided to get some sleep. After a lot of talking and playing with the psychedelic fluid that I tend to produce in my mouth, moving the visuals about and after smiling so much in such utter joy at our position in the world, Rosie said she needed sleep. We decided no one in the world should go without an experience like this, the complete awakening of the mind and all the benefits which ensue would soon become apparent to her. I had always known she was capable of this; her psychic weaknesses were made apparent to me, her social disintegration when smoking weed and the visuals she got from it was evidence of the great potential for the psychedelics to help restore her. We also spoke in a bizarre tongue, projecting our joy through this crazy language in a way which words in our language could not.
I told her before she went to sleep that my trip was about to peak, my visuals had lost the fluid weakness and completely destroyed the alcohol, and they were crisp, colourful and dynamic with my thoughts which would only get more and more far out there. Her dreams and the peak of my trip would merge. It must have been about half 6 in the morning, decent enough dreaming time, apparently the height of melatonin is around 2-4am.
Everything what had happened in this day started to come together perfectly, I learned that it was in fact, the Jungian conception of a dream somehow projected into real life. Everything was dreamlike, the usual bizarre multitude of places and people, the numbers, the symbols, the events which did not seem causally connected. The way in which Jung suggests dream symbols should be integrated into real life is also involved, the waking part was during the trip but strangely the whole day was spent awake, but the part before the trip was all similar to the symbolism of a dream and the trip was similar to the awake integration of a dream, or at least the way it should be integrated best. I will now go on to explain this in the best way I can
Now at the time, I did not see it all like this. It was a cognitive hallucination which was symbolic of the Jungian concepts. The cognitive hallucination was that I and Rosie had experienced a synchronistic event which was caused by the connections between both of our lives. This synchronicity developed due to our and all the people’s involved with us unconscious leading us together. Every single bit of this synchronicity, at least from my side of the story was revealed to me by the seeds and with every part of it revealed I would sing and talk in a language which does not exist. My thoughts, which could not be expressed in words of my language, were expressed perfectly in this bizarre tongue so that I could understand. I do not remember all of the connections I made, because if I did, I’d surely still be in that trance.
I realised that what we had experienced was true love, the rediscovery and integration of the male part of Rosie’s psyche was perfectly manifested by me, the pure male whose female part of his psyche was now perfectly restored by her. I realised that I was on my father’s side of the bed and she was on my mother’s. To the right of my father’s bed there is a cupboard which contains antique items, little Chinese artefacts and other objects which he collects. On the left, my mother and her closet. The left in Jungian psychology or general symbolism is usually interpreted as the unconscious, the right is the conscious. I realised that my dad’s objects on the right were symbolic of his conscious side which attempts to manifest the meaning of life into material objects, much like Alchemy. And the left, the Anima, my mother was the unconscious side, the prime archetype of man and his completion lies on this side. To the left of me lay Rosie, the completion of my psyche.
I then realised the great familiarity she has to my mother, the love of art, the tiger she had drawn around the same time as my mother was drawing a tiger and the fact that she had thought her spirit animal as a cat that night, also, my sister has a good relationship with my cat, she had a cat calendar and a strange collage with a cat in the centre on her wall, I seen this while coming down from Ayahuasca one day and it was really beautiful and significant to me symbolising my sisters animal unity. I then realised that the family event she had that night was full of males, her father’s side of the family is apparently full of males and few females. We sat at a square table in the restaurant, since this event is Rosie’s symbol of the unconscious’s yearning to restore the Animus, I will analyse it from where she was sitting. The number 4 represents the totality of the psyche in Jungian psychology. On her right was Annie, her best friend and the mediator between herself and the Animus represented by myself, directly opposite from Annie and to the left of Rosie, the unconscious side. Across from Rosie was Nikki the mediator between myself and the Anima.
I can only suppose that this is the case because Annie is a person from my childhood, she lived a few doors down from me when we were very young before moving away and before her parents split up (as have Rosie’s, which may be a factor in the strength of their relationship). Our parents knew each other; our fathers went to a chess club together at some point. Annie also only has a younger sister, as does Rosie, and lives with her father in a flat as Rosie also did. Annie’s father is also into art, as is Rosie’s mother (maybe they should get together haha). On the other side of the fence, Rosie knows Nikki from childhood, an actual family tie on her father’s side, I know little about their relationship but this is still relevant. Another connection or free association or whatever that I can make is that Annie was planning on holding a meal for her friends that night but it turned out her father would be in and the plans were spoiled, this allowed for us to go to Nikki’s Birthday party, and that is his other role, by actually having the party so the symbol could be made!
So our past’s characters (images of ourselves) in a converse fashion (her characters in my psyche, my characters in her psyche) enabled us to seek our Anima and Animus. Rosie’s deep friendship with Annie compared to my not so strong relationship with Nikki symbolises Rosie’s deeper psychic fear of the Animus, made evident by her tears during the trip over what I had uncovered. A bigger role of mediator was needed for Rosie whilst I was more sufficient in myself.
Another point to make here is that Rosie was apprehensive about attending once she seen everyone inside. In real life this could mean many things. But in unconscious symbolic terms in the dream-reality of things this could symbolize her fear of confronting the Animus at the start, but later after more of the sacrament (alcohol) she was less anxious about it, as was I in fact. My discomfort from all the uneasy looks from the men eased as the night went on and Nikki kept giving out the drinks and chatting.
My mother’s side of the family is full of females and lacks males as opposed to Rosie’s father’s side. Earlier on in the day it was I and 3 girls. The number 4 represents the totality of the psyche in Jungian psychology. I was the fourth person around this table and this was symbolic of the future discovery and recovery of my Anima. The point here again being that my discovery was not as strong and deep as Rosie’s so there are less symbols in the actualisation that I can see. But the symbols that I found in my own past in connection with Rosie are more well-founded and this points towards my introversion (symbols within rather than external symbols in Rosie’s side of things). Also, I have twin sisters (not identical) both are cancer (zodiac) as is Rosie.
The strange shopping was some kind of preparation for the marriage of our souls (Animus and Anima recovery) which would take place on the slide (church) with Buckfast under the almost complete moon which had to be pointed out to me by Annie as I thought it was whole. The circle symbolizes the totality of the psyche, the fact that I thought it was whole means that I assumed everything was fine and that my Anima was in place. The fact that the mediator between me and Rosie had to point this out for me to see it is symbolic of the mediator position. Now it is apparent to me that for the actual recovery to take place, Rosie must let go of her mediator and do it herself.
The next point was that when Annie joined us at first that day, it made the 2 of us into 3, still an imbalanced psyche. When Dominique joined us, note with difficulties in the beginning, the fourfold nature was complete as was the symbol. Now there is no need to even mention the camel named Nikki which was found just because Rosie and I had to go to the toilet, in fact she said she wasn’t sure she needed to go to the toilet but did anyway. Rosie did not even know it was Nikki’s birthday, but it seems the toilet paper and the camel which were both only pointed out when Rosie and I were alone kind of made this apparent unconsciously. When we went outside the shopping centre 2 and 2 made 4 as with when we were alone together again the second time and met up with peacock and Annie after a brief interlude with the pictures and toilet roll.
Also, the fact that drugs were so unusually hard to get, was meant to be so that the trip could take place.
When mini left us, 4 became 3 and balance was lost again. The first strange thing to happen outside of the flat was when Annie suddenly decided to leave before entering. This sudden reluctance to proceed echoed what was to come. Our aloneness in the flat was necessary for the experience. The mediator could only go so far. The fact that Rosie had photos from that day at the church and how happy I was to see them also echoed what was to come. Now, I do not know whether the broken table was already there at that time of entry into the flat, but nonetheless that object is a symbol of the aura around the flat which denied odd numbers. This is more apparent if we look at the incident later on with the boy who lunged at me in sheer emotion. This happened as I considered the broken table. Rosie and I had again been made into 3 by Rochelle and the oddness was made further when the group was made into 5. 4+1 = 5. 4-1 = 3. Both so close, that it seems to me, that the unconscious energy which demanded wholeness came out as a projection in the actions of myself when considering the table and the parallel closeness to the number 4 on both sides. This projection was given in the most subtle ways. The fact that the quiet boy was the least interactive in the group meant that he was the extra and he picked up the subtle unconscious projections in my actions through some remarkable intuition he had and it came out as a deep emotional surge of anger toward me afterwards accompanied by a deep sadness. All this I’m sure was unexplainable to him as it was so pure and raw. But again, he represents the shadow (Jungian term) which could not find its place in the picture and... I don’t know... it’s so farfetched. I need a Jungian!
The broken bong was caused by my reaction to the dramatic intuitive outburst and the ineffectiveness of my ability to get my message across to Rosie and her inability to understand it. So the broken bong is a symbol of the damage the shadow can cause when not dealt with and when psychic wholeness cannot be achieved. A warning of what would happen if the trip was not to take place.
My frustration over the broken bong allied with our drunkenness was the reason Rochelle left soon after entering the flat. She was warded off by the possibility of not achieving psychic wholeness. After this, the frustration and confusion by the whole event caused us to eat the seeds and thus initiating the process of integration by myself releasing my the potential for starting Rosie’s process of individuation and re-establishment of the Animus which in turn lead to my connection and understanding with the Anima through her gift to me of true love (confiding her secret of male relationship to me which I longed to understand).
All this is my looking back on all I can remember of the connections I made during the peak of the trip although during the peak my actual thoughts were that somehow we were always meant to come together, restore each other and Rosie (The goddess’s) faith in the feminine side of man. And that all this was a symbol for what was happening in the whole universe. I thought that it would be very difficult for her to integrate it and she still hadn’t fully restored her faith in man but it was my mission to restore it fully over time and win her so that we could have a baby, conceived during an equinox on the peak of a DMT trip in which is smoked on the peak of a Hawaiian Baby Woodrose trip. And that all this was coming from the great attracter at the end of time so that a baby with a perfect soul could be born on December the 21st 2012 at whatever time it was when the end of the Mayan calendar ended and that this baby (or series of babies from people all over the globe) would usher in the Age of Aquarius. Then I also had all sorts of cognitive hallucinations thinking that Rosie was having morning sickness the next day and that she was actually the Virgin Mary. While she was sleeping I looked at her and all this amazing Mayan imagery took place right there, she became this goddess, a statue, and everything.
I also noticed that with each revelation of the synchronicity of that day and of both of our destinies, specifically when I thought of the difficulties she would undertake in understanding all this (which she at the time was learning about in her dream while I was learning about it in the trip) she would move and groan in her sleep. These difficulties I related to the pain of child birth, accepting the horrendous nature of man for being a symbol for all meaning and just the sheer insanity of what our destiny now was.
Looking back it’s really hard to believe how obviously true this all seemed to me as I channelled the messages which were similar to the messages the Mayans must have received through morning glory about their calendar through song and listening to Rosie toss and groan in her sleep as this happened. Now I simply see it as a symbol for the next generation being the ones to change things and encourage the spiritual age or the next enlightenment and that I could help lead this by encouraging Jungian thinking and the teachings of the process of individuation in the education system so that the next generation would receive this message.
Rosie also coughed in the morning upon waking and had this confused, sudden movement thing on the go which reminded me so much of my mother. I realised that I had unconsciously been drawn to this though I had never had any sexual feelings toward Rosie before; it was just pure consensual love. Like a lost cosmic sister, she was the last piece of my fourfold Anima puzzle, my 2 sisters, both cancer and my cosmic sister, also cancer with strong similarities to my mother creating 4 including me. Rosie gave me what I could never have with my family due to them simply not being into drugs and not being so open emotionally, she showed me how I should act and behave toward women and what they really mean to me. I will always love the girl so much that I will never need to be with her because she will remain a constant symbol of every other woman I will ever love.
Of course this is all just my trip and I will get to my speculations behind her side of the trip later.
Laying there after the last of the revelations had come; I knew that when I got up, everything would synchronisticly fall into place because we were now blessed with an LSA-bond from beyond. I would quit work and university and we would run off and live a bohemian lifestyle on the fringe of society. Luckily I found sense and just called in sick, I probably pulled off the whole disorientated thing because I was basically almost still speaking in the foreign tongue to the work. I had no signal and had to take Rosie’s phone to her so she could help me type numbers. This is when I noticed the coughing upon waking and the confusion which resembles that of my mother. I also saw some art on her wall. A cigarette box with teeth which reminded me of the televisions I had saw the day before and Rosie thanked me and loved me for pointing out. At this time, I was still certain of what we were to do, I had to call Alex Grey and get him to help us, I knew he would simply understand and it would all work out. Rosie said “I hate phones sometimes” reminding me of my mother even more still. Also the fact that her laptop was fucked up reminded me of my Gran. Her messy habits reminded me of my sister, while I can make no connection to this day of her to my other sister (perhaps she needs released from her state of mind which I think I have helped create so that she can individuate, later, later...).
So I decided I would go buy some cigarettes, I went into my bag for money and found that I had around £2.85. I reckoned that this would be the exact amount I needed for 10 cigarettes, it turned out I was wrong and this is when doubt finally started to kick in. I went through to Rosie’s room and she said something like “We went on a fucking JOURNEY last night man”. I was still in the peak of the trip and asked her if everything was visually, she said it was. This confirmed to me that we would always from now on have massive pupils and an access to the LSA mental spectrum as we were now children of the stars. We would be rejected at first and then soon accepted by whatever means and eventually everyone would reach the same conscious state as us. I told her that we would have to chill for a bit and sort out what we were going to tell the world, we would need help from the psychedelic community.
I found that my lighter and passport were sitting exactly next to the laptop ready for me to take. I went outside to the shops, everything was different, the street was smaller somehow, like I’d never seen it before, I realised I did not know what shops were open at 8am on a Sunday morning in the west end of town and called Rosie to ask. It was a while away, but luckily a man was just opening his shop. I asked “Can you do me a massive favour and sell me some cigarettes?” He said of course and I proceeded to act quite insanely telling him this was the best day of my life and all would be made clear soon. I made my way back to the flat, smoking a cigarette, it went down so smoothly just like normal air, but more direct, I felt alive. I couldn’t get through to Rosie’s phone to get her to buzz me in so, after spotting the 3 legged table and grabbing it to take it in I continued to shout “ROSA-AEE” in the foreign tongue which flowed from me so naturally. Eventually I got in and realised the flat had recently been painted blue, Aquarian colours. There was also a splatter of paint on Rosie’s mail box which she had splattered, not realising the recent paint job. This marked the last mistake that was to be made.
I got in and we smoked cigarettes, Rosie said she needed food to refuel herself after losing so much bodily stuff. We were both just like wow wow wow, still utterly confused in where to start integrating. I went out to the super market across the road which was just opening. I bought 2 loafs of bread, a pack of bananas and when I reached the till I seen “Nikki” toilet roll and kitchen towels. Oh the synchronicity! I grabbed the toilet roll and then just before buying it, asked if I could change it for the lemon kitchen roll, she said it was fine. She said “It’s far too early to this” I said “You’ve got no idea”. I must have looked pretty crazy but I carried myself nicely though I found the shop very confusing.
When I got back in I dropped the stuff on the floor and Rosie said “Oh that’s good choices, I was thinking of bad for you stuff” “I think I’m going to be sick” and she was, without even moving, it all dribbled down the couch. The foamy liquid sick I was used to from psychedelic vomiting sessions. Rosie didn’t even each much last night; we thought that maybe this has all been dormant in her stomach for some time. She said before that she never thought she’d enjoy vomiting so much; each time was a revelation and a releasing of demons. Luckily enough, I had brought Nikki, and even more luckily, I had changed it for kitchen roll due to the lemons and how Rosie had mentioned the day before how she planned to dress up as a lemon for Halloween. Oh yes, we were also in a shop that sold a variety of baby clothes. So I wiped up all her sick frantically, mentally panicking that this may be morning sickness and that I had either encouraged a chronic illness or a virginal pregnancy within Rosie. I really hoped she wouldn’t regret the experience.
We ate Banana’s, smoked, Rosie called her work and father and we sat in pure confusion. We felt as if all the magic was so close and slowly fading away. I started to lose all the connections and doubt all the prophecies I had conjured, though the Jungian thoughts, our deep connection and the initiation of her process of individuation were still in my mind. I hoped that no one would resent me for introducing Rosie to the psychedelics; I knew they would help her but others find it hard to see the legitimacy in these things. Eventually we went for a small nap on the couch; I had visions of little bubbles, each one a human soul, finally freed when reaching the top of the water. There were also lots of wooden sticks which I took as a sign to get Rosie to consult the I-Ching later. I tossed and integrated for some time and lay there for more time as Rosie made toast and messed around on the laptop. She was glowing and I was glad.
Later, she consulted the I-Ching and got hexagram 62. It made a lot of sense, it says she should (and actually uses the word she) treat her difficult situations with respect along with those around her and that she should take her time before fixing things (for integration) and let it all come out creatively (through her art).
So I’m not sure how well she integrated all of this and I hope to hear from her soon. Later that day we had a Chinese, whilst waiting outside for it next to some statues of Chinese scholars and a cat, we seen a number 62 bus. Peculiar.
There are countless other things to be added to this and it will undoubtedly have to be refined as Rosie and I are illuminated more over time. But all of this makes for an amazing story and great symbolism; it has also inspired many ideas in me for a book. The only down side is my distraction from university life and I can only hope that I win the lottery or something so that I can do as I will without distractions.
This was added on Monday night, I couldn't sleep as the continuous stream of ideas and urge to rant was still going from the HBWR afterglow. Some of is just sleep deprivation talk, other parts I do actually believe.
EUREKA! I think I’ve finally integrated the experience successfully. The whole giving birth to the next generation through making love at the equinox on DMT & HBWR peaks actually means that our experience has created a burst of creative energy in both of us which will lead to the stream of ideas I just had there while laying in bed. And the fact that I had thought that the equinox conception was going to happen with lots of people was because of the DMT-Nexus and all of the new people who had joined who had similar situations to me, the whole difficulty connecting with people and not having anyone who used psychedelics spiritually. I had now found that and was sure that they would too. Perhaps not they, but other psychedelic users or just thinkers will come to the same conclusions I have because ideas come about at the same time across the world like Darwin and that guy with evolution. The same will be with Barton and all those other people who realised that Jung had to be integrated with the modern world, brought into the general knowledge spectrum so that we can advance. Also, the fact that cognitive hallucinations are the same thing as mere misconceptions, misunderstandings and assumptions! And when Jung is in general knowledge, these things will cease all together. Everyone will embark on the process of individuation; it is going to start spreading very quickly across the world and will usher in the next age. It makes perfect sense now, the dawning of 2012, the end of the Mayan calendar and my associations with it during the trip. It all simply needs to be integrated rationally and sceptically. Surely millions of people have had similar delusions and not realised that they were delusions and so the symbolic meaning of the delusion was never found! It’s like the Illuminati, it’s simply a cognitive hallucination caused by the sheer absurdity of modern day society and the disbelief that humans can actually do this by themselves without any sort of dogmatic belief in devil worshiping or the more extreme cases of us being controlled by evil lizard people. If one who truly believes these things could see through his hallucination and into the symbolic meaning of it then they could actually start applying it in real terms, studying sociology and writing about it rather than chasing this extreme metaphor which they’re psyche has created as a symbol and is now obsessed with enlarging this symbol as the collected unconscious wants the spiritual awareness to happen in any way possible it is trying all sorts of crazy options! Millions of YouTube videos dedicated to the Illuminati, so many believers, if all of these people read this and understood they could help pave way to the revolution by seeing the insane largeness of the symbol they’ve created and telling the world. CONSPIRACY THEORY – THEORY.
It might be that if the individuation process goes to the same length as it has with me, with more people, then the process will spread as it did from me to Rosie through the unconscious becoming projected into everyday reality creating this waking symbolism that is somehow made possible through the dynamic connection between space-time and the psyche. And when it spreads to everyone, lord knows what will happen, but if it’s the same thing which happened to me then dreams will slowly disintegrate as symbolism is actualized and we will discover the true connection between ourselves and our dreams or they will become one or SOMETHING like that. We may not even need to sleep anymore. But all of this is crazy speculation. The real point is that happiness levels will go up as spiritual well being is achieved in the masses through individuation. More art will be made and less silly shit will be made because there will be virtually no demand for it as we realise more about the world. The full utilisation of all the means that the modern world has will commence and no longer will it be wasted on make-up companies and dividing the sexes and politics infantilising nations. Eyes will be opened, psychedelics will catalyse Jungian Individuation and we will have a complete picture of how all the spiritual practises in the world add up to create the perfect system for determining everything. So first I need to write this book, Rosie will do the art and add everything she can. Winter is the season of Aquarius, the end of summer is when I start to get introverted, which is what I’m trying to promote among the masses, winter is when I will write this book and by my birthday I will try to have it ready. Throughout childhood I fantasized about how I was the one, about how when people look at me they seen this. My mother works at Caledonian University and that is probably why I joined there and in my first week there I found Jung’s book and everything has been leading up to this. The collected psyche will reach wholeness
The Lead up from my stance and the I-Ching
It’s doubtless that I have to write this up before any real attempt at my university work can be made. Writing up a document which has been wrote up before countless times and shares no connection with me is quite difficult to get started on. This however, has the utmost importance to myself despite how widely rejected it would be by all the anti-“drug” people out there who are utterly clueless about the legitimacy of these experiences.
So it was a couple of days ago that this all started. A few days before this, I had started experimenting with, or consulting, the I-Ching. From what I made of the hexagrams I had rolled, I needed to act and false pride and other misconceptions would hold me back, If the right helper is found, all is well. The day after this, I met a friend on the train, who I only ever see on the train or around the station, he has a learning disability and a lot of people find him intolerable due to him approaching them without pre-knowledge of each other and encouraging conversation about X-box and other things he was interested in. To the modern person, an approach like this is unheard of and it can be markedly embarrassing and uncomfortable, these feelings create a projection of dislike and annoyance towards the one who approaches.
I myself, the first few times meeting with this boy sometime last year was quite depressed and anxious and simply could not be bothered with any conversation never mind any from this strange character, who would be very loud when discussing things which bring discomfort to those close-by like sex or drugs. His unawareness was child-like. However, I bore no resentment towards him, he could not help it and I did my best to affirm to him that it was myself and my mood that was the problem and not himself.
As time went on my annoyance grew and then diminished as my anxieties disappeared through the psychedelics and my writing. I found myself accepting him as a friend and discussing psychedelics, what they have done for me and the various misconceptions linked to it. He had mentioned before and continued to mention experiences with weed which I was unsure whether or not to believe as they may have just been attempts to make connections with me which did not in fact exist, but I keep all options open as I have no real idea where he has been in life. I mentioned how so-called “disabilities” or mental “problems” actually have the potential to be gifts which can be used for forms of self-expression unavailable to others. He mentioned how his reading, writing and mathematics were indeed hindered by his condition but he was very good at video games and making practical connections, building things was an example. I thought of a Scrubs episode were a doctors autistic son could create very well-done things with building blocks.
So the day after the first I-Ching consultation, I met him on the train as I was late for university. He mentioned how someone he knew died after taking LSD and jumping out of a window, again, I did not know whether to believe him or not. He also said he had tried LSD. I briefly mentioned that we could get together and try the seeds which I had mentioned (Hawaiian Baby Woodrose). He said perhaps and then later in another discussion he asked if I was available on Sunday for the event, I said I was, though later I realised I had work (which I never attended but that’s for later in the story). We said it would be another time. So perhaps I had found a helper, though I’m still unsure of whether he will respond to the seeds well and his extravagant impractical conversation skills diminished or whether they would be extend further by some bad reaction and misconception. He could possibly be changed afterwards in a way which renders him more socially inadequate or less. But I think that nonetheless he would see a creative outburst.
I again rolled the I-Ching that night after observing thunder and rain outside (the two constituents of the previous hexagram). I took this as a sign even though the oracle had said it would be useless to proceed further so fast. The hexagram depicts modesty as being the way forward and is used to “cross the river”. I realised that in my conversation with others I should not claim or give off vibes of superiority and that I should remember my lowly place. Others would react better to this and it will save me from harm.
The next day I was on time for university for the first time on a Thursday in a while. I expected to meet Michael, another friend I got the train last year to college. We have known each other since primary school and we used to engage in philosophical conversation at a young age. He had told me at this young age that we had lateral thinking minds. I was proud of this fact and indeed that pride has hindered my social ability somewhat recently. I expected to meet him, but I had no real means to expect this other than It was the train which got me to college on time last year and he was still (as far as I was aware) at college.
Behind him was a girl I had a thing for talking to a friend, so I sat next to Michael for the time being, knowing that I could speak to her when the others had left the train. Michael has had a bizarre mental structure since a young age, anger issues and other psychic complexes. He was on pills at the time which seemed to work well, he said they somewhat disabled the unique abilities his mind had been blessed with, intelligence among other things I don’t know fully about. I mentioned how I understood this from the pills I was on during my anxious phase, I felt blank, not caring, not the real me, yet a more socially acceptable me. I told him how the pills were only prescribed because he was unacceptable to society and its functions at that time and recommended the seeds I had given him some months beforehand. He said he would use them after a week off his pills when he had the chance. We said, jokingly, that one day we would probably work together and run the world.
I now somewhat regret the heavy recommendation. I think he would be considered psychotic, a history of violence. I do think however that all the negative social consequences of his complexes are not due to him on his own but due to people’s reactions towards his complexes. Their ignorance and misinterpretations cause bad social function between them and Michael and this spurs his anger and violence towards them. In an understanding world where talents are utilised to all lengths, this would not be a problem. I do believe that he has great shamanistic potential, but I did not think about the social consequences of awakening this until recently. The psychosis caused by the social friction could be boosted through the roof. If he was to do them, I would have to be there for him and in a setting we are both comfortable with after completely shedding all thought of other people who bring him discomfort. I will tell him this next time I see him, and I do think that he would bear no resentment towards me for my somewhat perverse interest in the psyches of those around me.
I think that those who have lost the most, or who feel like they have lost the most, have to the most to gain from entheogens. Those with mental-complexes, I have not had any experience with. But others, who I have noticed problems in, who also sometimes have a difficult time with cannabis use, tend to have life-changing or at least revelation-full experiences. People who find cannabis very hard to handle in a social setting, ending up quiet, introverted and generally socially unacceptable seem to be afflicted by an inner-voice when high which tries to speak to them of the problems it sees in them. It seems to be they are being called to the high psychedelics for confrontation of these problems and indeed, in 3 cases I have personally experienced now and other cases which I presume to have happened, this seems true.
So I will now go on to explain what happened on Friday through to Sunday in which I will detail as much as I currently can about one of the cases above, however, the report will not be specifically about this but many other things including the I-Ching, Synchronicity, Astrology, love, sexuality and the unconscious processes which drive us all together and show us our various views on everything.
Shorter Term Lead Up
On the Friday of this week, my train journey times and little decisions lead me again to small social meetings with friends, I met my friend Danny in a bakers when I got off the train for university. We ate our food, had a cigarette and he told me about his recent jail-time dodge among other things including a friends empty house he had the next day where people would be getting a smoke. I had not been out in about 3 weeks or smoked weed in a while and I felt a remarkable urge to get back with the program now that I had less university stress and also because the I-Ching had brought to the surface that it was for the best. I also met my 2 other friends after deciding to go to the bank and get a haircut in a certain place where I used to spend much time. The bank was to charge me £39 for and unplanned overdraft of £2, I found this unfair and it seemed to me that if I threatened to leave, they would remove this charge, and I was right. These 3 days of short meetings with friends I think was a result of my unconscious leading me to be more social. This unconscious drive was put in me by the I-Ching.
So I texted some people and my friend Rosie who I had been thinking about the past 2 days as I had not heard from her in a few weeks. No one was up for a smoke that night but Rosie and I arranged to meet in town the next day at 1pm to go to the market, smoke some weed and eat some seeds, or whatever came about. Since it was my wish to eat some HBWR, I grinded them up with some pliers and put them in gel capsules. I put 7 in 3 gel caps for each of us, a borderline high dose trip.
Now, I’m perfectly aware that people dislike reading pointless information. But all the activities leading up to the trip are all perfectly relevant due to the outlook that was set upon during the trip. The very detailed synchronicity can be seen easily and by all in some cases and in others it requires knowledge of Jungian psychology and some imagination. I invite you to read on, though the invitation may not even be necessary.
We met at Half 1. Rosie told me that we were to meet our friend Annie outside a shop and that we could go to a family event of Rosie’s that had free food and drink. I was slightly disappointed we would not be eating seeds, because of the selfish reasons of my interest in her psyche and the not so selfish reasons of wanting to help her psyche. Nonetheless, it could be fun, I was no longer a heavy drinker as I used to be (1 to 3 times a week, to get drunk, without fail for 3 or 4 years, increasing use as time went on) but I didn’t have to drink.
We met Annie and we discussed the plans, and they 2 discussed their own matters and we made our way to a small market in the city which sold illegal DVDs, stolen things and a mix of legitimate and illegitimate goods. I asked if it were possible to eat pills tonight, very strong MDMA tablets which they had said were very good. They said it was and we would see about that later on. It had been a while since empathogens and since being stoned and tripping isn’t so good for family events, why not?
We we’re to meet another friend, Dominique at the barras but we could not find her as her phone had ran out of battery. I bought a wooden monkey for £1 from an African woman and a glass bong for £20. Rosie and Annie bought a ring each which covered 2 fingers and said “LOVE”, Rosie also bough cigarettes and a DVD “Social Network”. Rosie had bought a bracelet earlier on, purple with a shiny metallic stone on it, she got a t-shirt later as well. We walked past all sorts of jewellery, from tacky modern stuff to spiritual tribal stuff
Dominique bought a new phone and we managed to meet her after visiting some wallpaper shops. We ate at Burger King. Despite my recent efforts at healthy eating I bought a chicken wrap, probably one of the more healthy options, but still not so good. Annie and Rosie bought Chinese and the 4 of us sat reminiscing and joking. After the meal, I and Rosie went to the toilets and then to Hamleys, a massive toy shop, I talked to her about make-up and gender roles and how they are embedded in us from childhood images, adverts and people’s reactions toward us, she did not like the ridicule of make-up. On the way down the escalator I pointed out a large stuffed toy camel with a name tag which read “Nikki”. Rosie’s cousin who invited her to this family event which she knew not what it was about was called Nikki, a minor coincidence we thought.
We met Annie and Mini (Dominique) outside, 2 and 2 became 4 and we made towards the train station. We ran into Ruby, who was shopping for her mother’s birthday present, she said she didn’t like her mother, she was with her sister who was very young but we all thought her to be similar age to Ruby and just a friend. We departed and soon after Mini left us at the Station to go home. 4 became 3. We went and got a bus to Rosie’s flat to drop off her stuff, call a bag of weed and then make our way to Peacocks she would collect owed money and he’d attempt to get us the pills we desired. On the bus, Rosie and Annie listened to an I-pod on two seats and I sat behind, at one point, pointing out 3 televisions with insides ripped out and what appeared to be paper-mashie teeth crafted onto the bottom and top of where the screen should be, creating a very monster-like artistic effect. I pointed this out to the girls and Rosie said something along the lines of “Thanks for pointing that one out Ross, love you for that” in her seriously silly way which I was accustomed to.
We got off the bus and Annie remarked on how she couldn’t wait to see Peacock. We walked towards Rosie’s flat and Annie said “I thought we were going to Peacocks?” Rosie corrected her and we moved on. Upon entering the flat Annie suddenly decided and stated that she would just go to Peacocks now and we’d see her later. Rosie showed me some pictures that had been developed by her friend thinking that they were her own pictures, turning out to be Rosie’s. There were ones from about a year ago where we had the most amazing night on some speedy MDMA pills and alcohol on the streets on some suburbs. We had walked fast as we both like to do, for the last train to go to my house to crash. We missed it and thought fuck-it; we’d walk around all night and get up to some antics. Shortly after the decision we ran into 3 or 4 older men, around 24 or so with bottles of Buckfast (A tonic wine containing a lot of caffeine created by the monks of Devon and drank by anti-social teenagers in Scotland). We all smoked weed and had a laugh before me and Rosie left to go and stay at the flat she was currently living in with her mum and sister. On the way we were very messed up and utterly joyous at the bizarre night we had had. We sat at a church and prayed for a bottle of Buckfast to appear to us, scraping tobacco out of our pockets for a roll-up. We both loved this night and I was very happy to see photos from it.
I used the toilet and on sight of the toilet roll I remembered the new toilet roll my dad had bought for our house. I thought it might have been called “Nikki” but wasn’t sure, I told Rosie this and mentioned the Camel. The paper was perfumed and I had thought my new diet made my shit smell really nice before realising this.
We got to Peacocks flat after failing to get a hold of any cannabis. 2 and 2 again became 4. Peacock went out and bought some food and a bottle of Buckfast we had requested, Rosie and I paid half and half for it. She had no change, so I paid and I was promised it back later. We laughed and got a number for pills, Annie called him, and his name was “Billy Face-Melter” called this because of his Ketamine use. He was out his face, scrambled and Annie could hardly get sense out of him, eventually we got an address and set off there. It was up a big hill and we passed 2 people seemingly intoxicated in an alley. Billy came out the flat looking disorientated and asked if we wanted ket or pills, we said pills and he said “Ughh, ohhh, I don’t have them, they’re in my flat, this is my girl friends place”
Annie wasn’t planning on dropping, but myself and Rosie were quite disappointed, especially Rosie. What an unlucky day for drugs. So we set off to a park to drink our drink before the event. There was a full moon, or so I thought. Rosie and Annie both said there was a bit missing, they agreed it was a small portion on the bottom right, I then seen this. We sat on a platform in the middle of some ladders which led up to a slide. Rosie pointed out a hand grasping the shoot structure in the shadow projected on the ground below by the moon.
We sat, talked, drank and smoked for about an hour. I talked about shamanism, some of my experiences and Schizophrenias possible relationship to it and how it is shunned as a bad thing in modern society but embraced back in the day. I wondered how long it had been about for, how and for what reason did it become part of human DNA.
We finished our drink and set off to the family event, unsure of what it was actually for and where it was exactly. After a bit of uncertainty we realised where it was and walked past to see Rosie’s family inside. Rosie became uncertain of whether we should go in, it looked quite smart casual/smart and we were very casual. I was wearing joggies. Soon enough her dad came out and they talked about who invited her and if we were coming in. We decided we would and went in apprehensively. I was met with some uncertain faces; there were about 15 men and 1 girl. I had met some of the guys before at one of Rosie’s parties in an old flat she shared with her dad; her dad was out for some time so she invited some family and friends up for a drink, there was also some cocaine and cannabis. After a bit of time we decided on what we were having to eat and were given some pints of beer, it was all free. Our square table consisted of Rosie, Annie, Nikki and I and it was soon discovered it was Nikki and his brothers Birthday Party. I think they are twins; Nikki’s brother was the manager of the place and was making sure everything was good, it was lovely. Soon enough I was drunk and chatting away to some people and smiling. Eventually some people left including the 1 girl and Rosie’s dad. Goodbyes were said and hugs given. Annie sat and drew a Birthday card on a napkin. The toilets had thick paper towels, lovely hand wash and lotion. The music was also really good. Jagermeister bombs were soon out by the many and we all proceeded to get very drunk. I was really feeling Rosie’s family’s vibe. We continued to attempt to get pills, offering to pay for Billie’s taxi home so he could get them. It failed. I was also texting Jen, a love interest, very drunkenly and quasi-romantically.
We left around, god knows what time, about 2am, and Annie went off home, 3 became 2. I was to be staying at Rosie’s, leaving early in the morning to go home, get work stuff and go to work. We met Rosie’s girlfriend, Rochelle, outside a flat round the corner from Rosie’s flat as we tried to get some drugs. Before we met her we seen some strange stars, which were probably fireworks, they were orange and floated magically across the sky. We liked it. I was very drunk and loving it, I felt perfectly sober due to everyone around me the whole night continuing to progress at the same level, but still aware I was intoxicated. We met Rochelle and continued to Rosie’s flat, 2 became 3 again. 3 became 5 as outside were 2 boys and we asked them for weed dealer numbers as they looked the type. They were the type and we tried some people, getting numbers from one of their phones. There was a small (10cm?) rectangular table outside with one of the corners cut off, I think at this time I was thinking of Jung and how 4 is the symbolic number of psychic totality in dreams and the table represented the non-fullness but these thoughts may have been during the trip. The other boy was quiet and I was not paying much attention to him, it’s quite blurry. After calling some numbers stating I was Jordan’s mate and looking for cannabis and being rejected, the quiet boy had a dramatic outburst.
So this was the beginning of the insanity. He shouted something like “STOP TALKING ABOUT ME!” and lunged himself towards me in sheer emotion. I jumped back and ran around a car to escape him, I thought I seen him pull out a knife, there was a shiny object anyway. The boy was in some pure primal emotional state and there was confusion in the air. No one had said anything to him specifically since we had met. I shouted to Rosie to get my bag and open the door, she was confused and not really getting the picture, she picked up my bag and threw it to the side, *SMASH” went my bong. I said something like “Naw, not throw it! Fucksake man, get the door open”. The boy’s friend held him back as he burst into tears. Sheer emotion coursed through him and I could feel him. We are not sure if Rosie gave him a hug or if this was a picture that formed in the trip symbolising her sympathy. At the time I held no hate toward the boy, I said to his friend “Look after your pal man, sorry about this”. We went inside the flat still full of adrenaline.
Rochelle must have felt out of place and confused, the whole situation was bizarre and I was in a flurry complaining about my bong and speculating on what the fuck just happened. So she left and again, 3 was now 2. We called more people looking for weed and some boys who were at a club said they’d come up with MDMA, Ketamine and Cannabis after the gig. In frustration, drunkenness and confusion I stated I was going to eat the seeds, a fuck-it mood in the greatest sense of the term.
Rosie said she would too; we both ate 3 capsules, 7 seeds each. It must have been about half 3 or 4am. After this, time is lost, the trip began, it was to be something that neither of us could have ever expected.
The Trip
Time was lost and this is by no means a direct order of what happened, but I’ll do my best. Everything said here is from my perspective and tries to describe Rosie’s perspective though this should be taken with a pinch of salt as only she can really explain it as it happened to her. She said she will write up a report, though.
We lay on the carpet and I could feel nausea about to ensue, the emotional effects began to kick in, or perhaps it was just the alcohol. Somehow we ended up talking about my psychological view of Rosie. She asked to hear what I thought. I was apprehensive as it was just stuff that I had thought over time by intuition and experience of her character but at the same time it might be ultra real and personal for her. After a bit of time, I told her. I don’t remember the exact words but basically it was something about the reasons why she was a lesbian, her connection to her mother, father and men in general and her whole life outlook. This caused her to break down to tears saying “I wasn’t expecting that”. I felt so sorry, I realised I had the potential to cause this all along but did not know whether it was amplified by the seeds or drink. She said it was okay and we talked about her view of what was said and why it had struck home so hard. We hugged and I consoled her.
I think it was around this time that Rosie went to be sick for the first time. I started to wander about the house being very concerned, feeling bad about what I had just caused and anxious about what was to happen next. I asked through the door if she was okay, she said she was fine, or perhaps, if not at this point at another point in the nausea stage “Just getting my demons out”. Later Rosie said she heard me running about like a little woodland animal being protective over her, I thought this was a good comparison.
Whilst running about in this manner, images of the 3 legged tables outside went through my head and this gave me a sense of possible danger, there was a battle going on in Rosie’s psyche and I had projected it into the physical domain acting as a protector or a median between the two battling sides.
She came out looking fragile and sensitive. We lay in her bed for a while talking about what had happened, she explained to me why what I had said hit her so hard. It turned out I was very right and she confessed to me a big secret very few people knew about or would fully understand. I won’t mention it, but it was to do with her relationship towards her Animus or the expression of the inner-male personality which projects itself and gives the relative opinions on the males in one’s life and is also created by the males in one’s life. She told me she couldn’t believe she had told me this but felt great that she had. Around this point she was running around the house frantically looking for her phone, I did the same, I knew that she was running away from all the unconscious ideas and the dark side of her psyche which had been unleashed into the room around us. I found her phone in her bed and she was relieved.
I told her how vulnerable I felt. She asked what I meant and I told her I felt that what I would say may be judged. I may not have felt that way but was just looking for confirmation that there was no bad vibes. She said “Ross, I want you to never feel that way around me”. This whole conversation went on as she continued to frantically clean dishes using only her hands and no scrubber. I pointed this out to her and she said “What, I’m just doing the dishes” I found this hilarious and started laughing. She said something like “I just never know what I’m doing half the time” I said we should sit down and chill rather than continuing to deny what had just happened.
I think she vomited some more before going to her bed and curling up facing the wall. I walked around the house in the manner that I had been doing. Thinking that this may be the end of it and I should just lie down to sleep on the couch. But no, she was scared, I was scared, we were both psychologically naked so I went to the bedroom and kind of shyly said “Do you want to talk? Can I come into bed?” With relief she said yes and we lay in bed together and started to discuss things which had happened. I mentioned how I thought the guy who had freaked out at me earlier picked up on a vibe I was giving out simply by just being and that he was very intuitive. She denied this idea saying “No way, No way!” but then later decided that he was very pure and his emotions were so real. We both proclaimed our sympathy for him and how we wanted to talk to him. What had happened in his head? Who is this boy? Is this normal for him?
Rosie said that the event was a sign for us of the danger and psychological explosions ahead. My visuals were starting to take over, it was weird, I thought it would never come with the amount of alcohol in my system which always tends to numb visuals and trips in general. The visuals developed strangely, not the usual direct detail, they were flawed and wavy as if fighting the alcohol, or perhaps the alcohol was leaving my system to make room. Rosie’s trip was more psychological, fuelled by the seeds and the heart pouring conversations we had.
We got very emotional and were feeling each other’s hands and rubbing noses. She said she thought she had cat eyes, our pupils were massive. We agreed that we had both never felt so connected to another person in our lives. She said she had always known that I had known about her. I said I always thought about it whenever she acted in a certain way which made her easily readable to me. We realised all these connections between us, like praying for Buckfast at the church and how she had suggested that day to climb the slide so we could drink our bottle of Buckfast which we both went half’s on. The big slides shape and the fact that we were inside it symbolised the church and the wine our sacrament. The hand in the shadow grasping the slide was the hand of god giving us the Buckfast.
After talking about a lot of different connections, some I remember and will list later, others are lost, others are half way. Like we realised there was a connection between us and smoking, it was so true but now I don’t understand.
We spoke of the psychedelics, how she understood them now and what they can do, we discussed how we could do anything and that we would never starve, the privilege of living in advanced society and all the negative side effects and frustrations which make themselves apparent in the crumbling psyches of modern man.
As we talked, I felt my Anima being restored. A cognitive hallucination was developing in my mind which would only come to the surface when Rosie decided to get some sleep. After a lot of talking and playing with the psychedelic fluid that I tend to produce in my mouth, moving the visuals about and after smiling so much in such utter joy at our position in the world, Rosie said she needed sleep. We decided no one in the world should go without an experience like this, the complete awakening of the mind and all the benefits which ensue would soon become apparent to her. I had always known she was capable of this; her psychic weaknesses were made apparent to me, her social disintegration when smoking weed and the visuals she got from it was evidence of the great potential for the psychedelics to help restore her. We also spoke in a bizarre tongue, projecting our joy through this crazy language in a way which words in our language could not.
I told her before she went to sleep that my trip was about to peak, my visuals had lost the fluid weakness and completely destroyed the alcohol, and they were crisp, colourful and dynamic with my thoughts which would only get more and more far out there. Her dreams and the peak of my trip would merge. It must have been about half 6 in the morning, decent enough dreaming time, apparently the height of melatonin is around 2-4am.
Everything what had happened in this day started to come together perfectly, I learned that it was in fact, the Jungian conception of a dream somehow projected into real life. Everything was dreamlike, the usual bizarre multitude of places and people, the numbers, the symbols, the events which did not seem causally connected. The way in which Jung suggests dream symbols should be integrated into real life is also involved, the waking part was during the trip but strangely the whole day was spent awake, but the part before the trip was all similar to the symbolism of a dream and the trip was similar to the awake integration of a dream, or at least the way it should be integrated best. I will now go on to explain this in the best way I can
Now at the time, I did not see it all like this. It was a cognitive hallucination which was symbolic of the Jungian concepts. The cognitive hallucination was that I and Rosie had experienced a synchronistic event which was caused by the connections between both of our lives. This synchronicity developed due to our and all the people’s involved with us unconscious leading us together. Every single bit of this synchronicity, at least from my side of the story was revealed to me by the seeds and with every part of it revealed I would sing and talk in a language which does not exist. My thoughts, which could not be expressed in words of my language, were expressed perfectly in this bizarre tongue so that I could understand. I do not remember all of the connections I made, because if I did, I’d surely still be in that trance.
I realised that what we had experienced was true love, the rediscovery and integration of the male part of Rosie’s psyche was perfectly manifested by me, the pure male whose female part of his psyche was now perfectly restored by her. I realised that I was on my father’s side of the bed and she was on my mother’s. To the right of my father’s bed there is a cupboard which contains antique items, little Chinese artefacts and other objects which he collects. On the left, my mother and her closet. The left in Jungian psychology or general symbolism is usually interpreted as the unconscious, the right is the conscious. I realised that my dad’s objects on the right were symbolic of his conscious side which attempts to manifest the meaning of life into material objects, much like Alchemy. And the left, the Anima, my mother was the unconscious side, the prime archetype of man and his completion lies on this side. To the left of me lay Rosie, the completion of my psyche.
I then realised the great familiarity she has to my mother, the love of art, the tiger she had drawn around the same time as my mother was drawing a tiger and the fact that she had thought her spirit animal as a cat that night, also, my sister has a good relationship with my cat, she had a cat calendar and a strange collage with a cat in the centre on her wall, I seen this while coming down from Ayahuasca one day and it was really beautiful and significant to me symbolising my sisters animal unity. I then realised that the family event she had that night was full of males, her father’s side of the family is apparently full of males and few females. We sat at a square table in the restaurant, since this event is Rosie’s symbol of the unconscious’s yearning to restore the Animus, I will analyse it from where she was sitting. The number 4 represents the totality of the psyche in Jungian psychology. On her right was Annie, her best friend and the mediator between herself and the Animus represented by myself, directly opposite from Annie and to the left of Rosie, the unconscious side. Across from Rosie was Nikki the mediator between myself and the Anima.
I can only suppose that this is the case because Annie is a person from my childhood, she lived a few doors down from me when we were very young before moving away and before her parents split up (as have Rosie’s, which may be a factor in the strength of their relationship). Our parents knew each other; our fathers went to a chess club together at some point. Annie also only has a younger sister, as does Rosie, and lives with her father in a flat as Rosie also did. Annie’s father is also into art, as is Rosie’s mother (maybe they should get together haha). On the other side of the fence, Rosie knows Nikki from childhood, an actual family tie on her father’s side, I know little about their relationship but this is still relevant. Another connection or free association or whatever that I can make is that Annie was planning on holding a meal for her friends that night but it turned out her father would be in and the plans were spoiled, this allowed for us to go to Nikki’s Birthday party, and that is his other role, by actually having the party so the symbol could be made!
So our past’s characters (images of ourselves) in a converse fashion (her characters in my psyche, my characters in her psyche) enabled us to seek our Anima and Animus. Rosie’s deep friendship with Annie compared to my not so strong relationship with Nikki symbolises Rosie’s deeper psychic fear of the Animus, made evident by her tears during the trip over what I had uncovered. A bigger role of mediator was needed for Rosie whilst I was more sufficient in myself.
Another point to make here is that Rosie was apprehensive about attending once she seen everyone inside. In real life this could mean many things. But in unconscious symbolic terms in the dream-reality of things this could symbolize her fear of confronting the Animus at the start, but later after more of the sacrament (alcohol) she was less anxious about it, as was I in fact. My discomfort from all the uneasy looks from the men eased as the night went on and Nikki kept giving out the drinks and chatting.
My mother’s side of the family is full of females and lacks males as opposed to Rosie’s father’s side. Earlier on in the day it was I and 3 girls. The number 4 represents the totality of the psyche in Jungian psychology. I was the fourth person around this table and this was symbolic of the future discovery and recovery of my Anima. The point here again being that my discovery was not as strong and deep as Rosie’s so there are less symbols in the actualisation that I can see. But the symbols that I found in my own past in connection with Rosie are more well-founded and this points towards my introversion (symbols within rather than external symbols in Rosie’s side of things). Also, I have twin sisters (not identical) both are cancer (zodiac) as is Rosie.
The strange shopping was some kind of preparation for the marriage of our souls (Animus and Anima recovery) which would take place on the slide (church) with Buckfast under the almost complete moon which had to be pointed out to me by Annie as I thought it was whole. The circle symbolizes the totality of the psyche, the fact that I thought it was whole means that I assumed everything was fine and that my Anima was in place. The fact that the mediator between me and Rosie had to point this out for me to see it is symbolic of the mediator position. Now it is apparent to me that for the actual recovery to take place, Rosie must let go of her mediator and do it herself.
The next point was that when Annie joined us at first that day, it made the 2 of us into 3, still an imbalanced psyche. When Dominique joined us, note with difficulties in the beginning, the fourfold nature was complete as was the symbol. Now there is no need to even mention the camel named Nikki which was found just because Rosie and I had to go to the toilet, in fact she said she wasn’t sure she needed to go to the toilet but did anyway. Rosie did not even know it was Nikki’s birthday, but it seems the toilet paper and the camel which were both only pointed out when Rosie and I were alone kind of made this apparent unconsciously. When we went outside the shopping centre 2 and 2 made 4 as with when we were alone together again the second time and met up with peacock and Annie after a brief interlude with the pictures and toilet roll.
Also, the fact that drugs were so unusually hard to get, was meant to be so that the trip could take place.
When mini left us, 4 became 3 and balance was lost again. The first strange thing to happen outside of the flat was when Annie suddenly decided to leave before entering. This sudden reluctance to proceed echoed what was to come. Our aloneness in the flat was necessary for the experience. The mediator could only go so far. The fact that Rosie had photos from that day at the church and how happy I was to see them also echoed what was to come. Now, I do not know whether the broken table was already there at that time of entry into the flat, but nonetheless that object is a symbol of the aura around the flat which denied odd numbers. This is more apparent if we look at the incident later on with the boy who lunged at me in sheer emotion. This happened as I considered the broken table. Rosie and I had again been made into 3 by Rochelle and the oddness was made further when the group was made into 5. 4+1 = 5. 4-1 = 3. Both so close, that it seems to me, that the unconscious energy which demanded wholeness came out as a projection in the actions of myself when considering the table and the parallel closeness to the number 4 on both sides. This projection was given in the most subtle ways. The fact that the quiet boy was the least interactive in the group meant that he was the extra and he picked up the subtle unconscious projections in my actions through some remarkable intuition he had and it came out as a deep emotional surge of anger toward me afterwards accompanied by a deep sadness. All this I’m sure was unexplainable to him as it was so pure and raw. But again, he represents the shadow (Jungian term) which could not find its place in the picture and... I don’t know... it’s so farfetched. I need a Jungian!
The broken bong was caused by my reaction to the dramatic intuitive outburst and the ineffectiveness of my ability to get my message across to Rosie and her inability to understand it. So the broken bong is a symbol of the damage the shadow can cause when not dealt with and when psychic wholeness cannot be achieved. A warning of what would happen if the trip was not to take place.
My frustration over the broken bong allied with our drunkenness was the reason Rochelle left soon after entering the flat. She was warded off by the possibility of not achieving psychic wholeness. After this, the frustration and confusion by the whole event caused us to eat the seeds and thus initiating the process of integration by myself releasing my the potential for starting Rosie’s process of individuation and re-establishment of the Animus which in turn lead to my connection and understanding with the Anima through her gift to me of true love (confiding her secret of male relationship to me which I longed to understand).
All this is my looking back on all I can remember of the connections I made during the peak of the trip although during the peak my actual thoughts were that somehow we were always meant to come together, restore each other and Rosie (The goddess’s) faith in the feminine side of man. And that all this was a symbol for what was happening in the whole universe. I thought that it would be very difficult for her to integrate it and she still hadn’t fully restored her faith in man but it was my mission to restore it fully over time and win her so that we could have a baby, conceived during an equinox on the peak of a DMT trip in which is smoked on the peak of a Hawaiian Baby Woodrose trip. And that all this was coming from the great attracter at the end of time so that a baby with a perfect soul could be born on December the 21st 2012 at whatever time it was when the end of the Mayan calendar ended and that this baby (or series of babies from people all over the globe) would usher in the Age of Aquarius. Then I also had all sorts of cognitive hallucinations thinking that Rosie was having morning sickness the next day and that she was actually the Virgin Mary. While she was sleeping I looked at her and all this amazing Mayan imagery took place right there, she became this goddess, a statue, and everything.
I also noticed that with each revelation of the synchronicity of that day and of both of our destinies, specifically when I thought of the difficulties she would undertake in understanding all this (which she at the time was learning about in her dream while I was learning about it in the trip) she would move and groan in her sleep. These difficulties I related to the pain of child birth, accepting the horrendous nature of man for being a symbol for all meaning and just the sheer insanity of what our destiny now was.
Looking back it’s really hard to believe how obviously true this all seemed to me as I channelled the messages which were similar to the messages the Mayans must have received through morning glory about their calendar through song and listening to Rosie toss and groan in her sleep as this happened. Now I simply see it as a symbol for the next generation being the ones to change things and encourage the spiritual age or the next enlightenment and that I could help lead this by encouraging Jungian thinking and the teachings of the process of individuation in the education system so that the next generation would receive this message.
Rosie also coughed in the morning upon waking and had this confused, sudden movement thing on the go which reminded me so much of my mother. I realised that I had unconsciously been drawn to this though I had never had any sexual feelings toward Rosie before; it was just pure consensual love. Like a lost cosmic sister, she was the last piece of my fourfold Anima puzzle, my 2 sisters, both cancer and my cosmic sister, also cancer with strong similarities to my mother creating 4 including me. Rosie gave me what I could never have with my family due to them simply not being into drugs and not being so open emotionally, she showed me how I should act and behave toward women and what they really mean to me. I will always love the girl so much that I will never need to be with her because she will remain a constant symbol of every other woman I will ever love.
Of course this is all just my trip and I will get to my speculations behind her side of the trip later.
Laying there after the last of the revelations had come; I knew that when I got up, everything would synchronisticly fall into place because we were now blessed with an LSA-bond from beyond. I would quit work and university and we would run off and live a bohemian lifestyle on the fringe of society. Luckily I found sense and just called in sick, I probably pulled off the whole disorientated thing because I was basically almost still speaking in the foreign tongue to the work. I had no signal and had to take Rosie’s phone to her so she could help me type numbers. This is when I noticed the coughing upon waking and the confusion which resembles that of my mother. I also saw some art on her wall. A cigarette box with teeth which reminded me of the televisions I had saw the day before and Rosie thanked me and loved me for pointing out. At this time, I was still certain of what we were to do, I had to call Alex Grey and get him to help us, I knew he would simply understand and it would all work out. Rosie said “I hate phones sometimes” reminding me of my mother even more still. Also the fact that her laptop was fucked up reminded me of my Gran. Her messy habits reminded me of my sister, while I can make no connection to this day of her to my other sister (perhaps she needs released from her state of mind which I think I have helped create so that she can individuate, later, later...).
So I decided I would go buy some cigarettes, I went into my bag for money and found that I had around £2.85. I reckoned that this would be the exact amount I needed for 10 cigarettes, it turned out I was wrong and this is when doubt finally started to kick in. I went through to Rosie’s room and she said something like “We went on a fucking JOURNEY last night man”. I was still in the peak of the trip and asked her if everything was visually, she said it was. This confirmed to me that we would always from now on have massive pupils and an access to the LSA mental spectrum as we were now children of the stars. We would be rejected at first and then soon accepted by whatever means and eventually everyone would reach the same conscious state as us. I told her that we would have to chill for a bit and sort out what we were going to tell the world, we would need help from the psychedelic community.
I found that my lighter and passport were sitting exactly next to the laptop ready for me to take. I went outside to the shops, everything was different, the street was smaller somehow, like I’d never seen it before, I realised I did not know what shops were open at 8am on a Sunday morning in the west end of town and called Rosie to ask. It was a while away, but luckily a man was just opening his shop. I asked “Can you do me a massive favour and sell me some cigarettes?” He said of course and I proceeded to act quite insanely telling him this was the best day of my life and all would be made clear soon. I made my way back to the flat, smoking a cigarette, it went down so smoothly just like normal air, but more direct, I felt alive. I couldn’t get through to Rosie’s phone to get her to buzz me in so, after spotting the 3 legged table and grabbing it to take it in I continued to shout “ROSA-AEE” in the foreign tongue which flowed from me so naturally. Eventually I got in and realised the flat had recently been painted blue, Aquarian colours. There was also a splatter of paint on Rosie’s mail box which she had splattered, not realising the recent paint job. This marked the last mistake that was to be made.
I got in and we smoked cigarettes, Rosie said she needed food to refuel herself after losing so much bodily stuff. We were both just like wow wow wow, still utterly confused in where to start integrating. I went out to the super market across the road which was just opening. I bought 2 loafs of bread, a pack of bananas and when I reached the till I seen “Nikki” toilet roll and kitchen towels. Oh the synchronicity! I grabbed the toilet roll and then just before buying it, asked if I could change it for the lemon kitchen roll, she said it was fine. She said “It’s far too early to this” I said “You’ve got no idea”. I must have looked pretty crazy but I carried myself nicely though I found the shop very confusing.
When I got back in I dropped the stuff on the floor and Rosie said “Oh that’s good choices, I was thinking of bad for you stuff” “I think I’m going to be sick” and she was, without even moving, it all dribbled down the couch. The foamy liquid sick I was used to from psychedelic vomiting sessions. Rosie didn’t even each much last night; we thought that maybe this has all been dormant in her stomach for some time. She said before that she never thought she’d enjoy vomiting so much; each time was a revelation and a releasing of demons. Luckily enough, I had brought Nikki, and even more luckily, I had changed it for kitchen roll due to the lemons and how Rosie had mentioned the day before how she planned to dress up as a lemon for Halloween. Oh yes, we were also in a shop that sold a variety of baby clothes. So I wiped up all her sick frantically, mentally panicking that this may be morning sickness and that I had either encouraged a chronic illness or a virginal pregnancy within Rosie. I really hoped she wouldn’t regret the experience.
We ate Banana’s, smoked, Rosie called her work and father and we sat in pure confusion. We felt as if all the magic was so close and slowly fading away. I started to lose all the connections and doubt all the prophecies I had conjured, though the Jungian thoughts, our deep connection and the initiation of her process of individuation were still in my mind. I hoped that no one would resent me for introducing Rosie to the psychedelics; I knew they would help her but others find it hard to see the legitimacy in these things. Eventually we went for a small nap on the couch; I had visions of little bubbles, each one a human soul, finally freed when reaching the top of the water. There were also lots of wooden sticks which I took as a sign to get Rosie to consult the I-Ching later. I tossed and integrated for some time and lay there for more time as Rosie made toast and messed around on the laptop. She was glowing and I was glad.
Later, she consulted the I-Ching and got hexagram 62. It made a lot of sense, it says she should (and actually uses the word she) treat her difficult situations with respect along with those around her and that she should take her time before fixing things (for integration) and let it all come out creatively (through her art).
So I’m not sure how well she integrated all of this and I hope to hear from her soon. Later that day we had a Chinese, whilst waiting outside for it next to some statues of Chinese scholars and a cat, we seen a number 62 bus. Peculiar.
There are countless other things to be added to this and it will undoubtedly have to be refined as Rosie and I are illuminated more over time. But all of this makes for an amazing story and great symbolism; it has also inspired many ideas in me for a book. The only down side is my distraction from university life and I can only hope that I win the lottery or something so that I can do as I will without distractions.
This was added on Monday night, I couldn't sleep as the continuous stream of ideas and urge to rant was still going from the HBWR afterglow. Some of is just sleep deprivation talk, other parts I do actually believe.
EUREKA! I think I’ve finally integrated the experience successfully. The whole giving birth to the next generation through making love at the equinox on DMT & HBWR peaks actually means that our experience has created a burst of creative energy in both of us which will lead to the stream of ideas I just had there while laying in bed. And the fact that I had thought that the equinox conception was going to happen with lots of people was because of the DMT-Nexus and all of the new people who had joined who had similar situations to me, the whole difficulty connecting with people and not having anyone who used psychedelics spiritually. I had now found that and was sure that they would too. Perhaps not they, but other psychedelic users or just thinkers will come to the same conclusions I have because ideas come about at the same time across the world like Darwin and that guy with evolution. The same will be with Barton and all those other people who realised that Jung had to be integrated with the modern world, brought into the general knowledge spectrum so that we can advance. Also, the fact that cognitive hallucinations are the same thing as mere misconceptions, misunderstandings and assumptions! And when Jung is in general knowledge, these things will cease all together. Everyone will embark on the process of individuation; it is going to start spreading very quickly across the world and will usher in the next age. It makes perfect sense now, the dawning of 2012, the end of the Mayan calendar and my associations with it during the trip. It all simply needs to be integrated rationally and sceptically. Surely millions of people have had similar delusions and not realised that they were delusions and so the symbolic meaning of the delusion was never found! It’s like the Illuminati, it’s simply a cognitive hallucination caused by the sheer absurdity of modern day society and the disbelief that humans can actually do this by themselves without any sort of dogmatic belief in devil worshiping or the more extreme cases of us being controlled by evil lizard people. If one who truly believes these things could see through his hallucination and into the symbolic meaning of it then they could actually start applying it in real terms, studying sociology and writing about it rather than chasing this extreme metaphor which they’re psyche has created as a symbol and is now obsessed with enlarging this symbol as the collected unconscious wants the spiritual awareness to happen in any way possible it is trying all sorts of crazy options! Millions of YouTube videos dedicated to the Illuminati, so many believers, if all of these people read this and understood they could help pave way to the revolution by seeing the insane largeness of the symbol they’ve created and telling the world. CONSPIRACY THEORY – THEORY.
It might be that if the individuation process goes to the same length as it has with me, with more people, then the process will spread as it did from me to Rosie through the unconscious becoming projected into everyday reality creating this waking symbolism that is somehow made possible through the dynamic connection between space-time and the psyche. And when it spreads to everyone, lord knows what will happen, but if it’s the same thing which happened to me then dreams will slowly disintegrate as symbolism is actualized and we will discover the true connection between ourselves and our dreams or they will become one or SOMETHING like that. We may not even need to sleep anymore. But all of this is crazy speculation. The real point is that happiness levels will go up as spiritual well being is achieved in the masses through individuation. More art will be made and less silly shit will be made because there will be virtually no demand for it as we realise more about the world. The full utilisation of all the means that the modern world has will commence and no longer will it be wasted on make-up companies and dividing the sexes and politics infantilising nations. Eyes will be opened, psychedelics will catalyse Jungian Individuation and we will have a complete picture of how all the spiritual practises in the world add up to create the perfect system for determining everything. So first I need to write this book, Rosie will do the art and add everything she can. Winter is the season of Aquarius, the end of summer is when I start to get introverted, which is what I’m trying to promote among the masses, winter is when I will write this book and by my birthday I will try to have it ready. Throughout childhood I fantasized about how I was the one, about how when people look at me they seen this. My mother works at Caledonian University and that is probably why I joined there and in my first week there I found Jung’s book and everything has been leading up to this. The collected psyche will reach wholeness