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The only reason I want to use DMT again is so I can remember

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firdous e bareen

Rising Star
I find the effects of DMT on memory kind of frustrating.

After my last experience, I felt like I had gone as deep as I could go (or would want to go). It was a rare and precious experience. I thought 'Thank God I never have to do that again!'

And while I can remember the bliss of coming down, feeling like I had connected with divinity and been reborn, I cannot really remember the experience. Except that 'I' ceased to exist.

After the experience I went on Facebook to try and describe to my friends what happened, but what I wrote doesn't really trigger any memories now.

Part of me thinks I kind of 'erased' the memory of the trip by taking an etizolam that night. I've been reading about benzos (I know etizolam isn't technically a benzo) and how they might cause retrograde amnesia, as well as how they prevent you from entering the deepest stages of sleep, which is where memory consolidation takes place.

So I'm kind of hitting myself right now. I'm thinking 'If only I didn't take the etizolam, then I could remember!' But even as I was talking to my friends on Facebook, I wasn't able to describe what happened, I said it was 'ineffable'. But I think at the time I still had a notion of what the experience was like, which I don't really have now.

I was kind of hoping that would be my last DMT experience :p I'm not really that curious now to breakthrough into hyperspace and meet the entities, since I can remember that aspect quite clearly.

I only want to be able to remember that 'enlightened' state. I might have a state-dependent memory of it, meaning I have to be in that state to remember it. But I don't know if I can go down that rabbit hole, of basically chasing that experience (which probably prevents you from having it anyway). I also don't know if I want to re-experience the trauma (as blissful and loving as it was) of feeling that I had left this existence, never to return.

If anyone else has had an intense mystical experience with DMT, do you have a hard time remembering? Are you ever able to remember, like spontaneously or when in an altered state? Do you think it gets stored as a state-dependent memory? And do you think taking etizolam (it was either .5 or 1mg) is enough to eradicate the memory of the experience, or at least, most of it?

People have memory loss/black outs on DMT. The other drug may or may not have had an effect. I'm not exactly sure why, but it seems to be similar to the way people block out certain traumatic memories.

Breaking through into hyperspace, leaving reality, or whatever you might want to call it seems to be at least for some really close to the dose that would cause traumatic amnesia. I have told myself on a few occasions that I would never do it again but eventually as I'm able to integrate the experience, I'll come around to it again with lessons learned. This is powerful stuff and needs to be treated with respect.
I can only remember DMT experiences similar to dreams, fragmentary at best. I feel like I've had deeper experiences with 5meo, and can recall those with clarity, and for a couple i had taken Xanax hours prior to dosing. I think it's the frenetic, kaleidoscopic nature of the n,n DMT "flash" that contributes to the difficulty with recall. I'm pretty sure it's common.
One of the first things I always say when coming back from DMT trips is "it's all so fleeting," because it is! This is why I immediately go over to my desk and write exactly what I saw and experienced to have some kind of recollection and something to hold on to after the journey. This has allowed me to recall all sorts of entities that I would not have been able to otherwise. Maybe this practice could help you as well.

I think there is a tradeoff between being fully immersed in an experience and remembering it perfectly with most experiences in life, on or not on drugs. Imagine taking an exotic vacation: are you going to film the entire experience and look at majestic mountains through a camera lens the whole time, just so you can share it with friends and "reminisce" later? Or are you going to leave the camera in the hotel and savor every sight? I think the former takes away from the experience itself. You just need to find a balance that works for you.

For example, when I get to go on trips to places I will take a few pictures, maybe about 1 an hour, to remember some key sights or points in the trip. Otherwise, I like to be immersed in wherever I am so I can experience it to the fullest. This is the appropriate balance for me, as I find it encourages me to go on more trips or enjoy life more when I am lacking in total memory of an experience.
The first time I skydived I had what is called sensory overload. During this time my mind kind of froze. The feeling was not so much scary, but very disconcerting.

I jumped from the plane for what is called an accelerate freefall with two diver masters. Freefall is a little over a minute. As soon as I left the plane my mind went blank. I didn't know who I was. Where I was? I was completely blank. It lasted for about five seconds but felt like it was much longer. When my brain kicked back into gear it was confusing for a second. I still have no clue what occurred in my mind. I have no recollection. I felt as if I was in this sensory overload state for minutes and not seconds. That is what was disconcerting for me.

I can easily compare this sensory overload experience with skydiving with some DMT journeys I have had. The same kind of disconcerting feeling about time. The same memory loss. So in my experience I would say some DMT experience are very much a sensory overload. It's just too much for the brain to take in at one time. The feelings, visions, thoughts all just explode for a short time. Somehow short circuiting your mind for a short time. I have not done much research on sensory overload and am only basing this on my own experience. There is a correlation for me.

I have been skydiving a few times and I never had the sensory overload again. It was a one time thing. My brain now just understands what is happening. The ground will not be coming. There is a tendency to want to flap your arms when you jump out of a plane at 12,000 ft. My mind wanted to wail and figure a way to grab something. My mind does the same thing on DMT sometimes. It grabs for something. Anything. The falling is just too much. The experience is just too much.

I never regretted jumping out of planes. I love it and will do it again! It is one of the most powerful and exciting things I have ever done! DMT is in the same boat as skydiving. It got easier as my mind got used to it. No longer trying to grasp for nothingness. Learning to fly!
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